Lost a sibling as an adult?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I don’t post often but read pretty often and I think there is a broad base of experience and wisdom here so I thought I would ask.</p>

<p>My younger brother died 6 years ago from cancer. He was 42. No kids. Left a long term, lovely girlfriend behind. </p>

<p>I think for the most part I am doing okay, but some days are still so, so hard. Today, I really fought to get out of bed. Not that I couldn’t get out of bed-- but I really felt like I could have slept the day away. Granted it is a significant date in regards to our family, but I feel like after 6 years, I should be able to deal better. </p>

<p>Anyone else struggling with this?</p>

2

<p>Whitepicketfence- I feel for you. I lost my beloved sister five years ago today. She was my best friend. She lived life to the fullest and was the most positive person I have ever known. Put her in a room of strangers for an hour and she would have 20 friends in that time. I try to live my life in a way that would make her proud. Sometimes when I get an opportunity to do something and I am waffling, I think my sister would do that. And so off I go. When I get blue, I talk to her. I feel like she is somewhere around me. Grief takes time. Do something fun that your brother loved to do or wanted to do. Think how lucky we are to have had such great siblings. Not everyone does.</p>

3

<p>Yes, my older brother died of cancer at age 49 ten years ago. At the time, he left a 10-year old son whom he doted on and who idolized his father, and a wife who couldn’t handle things. </p>

<p>His final illness was sudden and worsened over the holidays. I was scheduled to fly down to help on Jan.3, 2002. My sister called a few days earlier to tell me that if I wanted to see him, I needed to get there. I begged the airline to let me change my ticket and cried and cried. I had to buy a new ticket and flew on New Years Day. Because it was right after 9/11, every one was hyper vigilant on security, so I got red-carded at every gate for extra review. I was flying to Key West, so for chit-chat they’d all ask about my trip. What a downer to tell them I was racing to see my brother before he died. I was delayed at my connecting flight and called my sister. She had to tell me that my brother had passed away–about the time I was boarding my first flight. </p>

<p>For most years thereafter, I have been unable to bring myself to attend Christmas Eve services. All I can think is how that year I couldn’t understand why God would take a 10-year old’s father like that. And I have such guilt about not going earlier because I spent the holidays with my family–husband and 10 & 12 year old daughters. </p>

<p>I was not close with that brother, but it does still feel like a huge hole that he is not there.</p>

4

<p>whitepicketfence, I sent you a private message. I am sorry for your loss.</p>

5

<p>It’s as if this thread is a sign from God Himself…</p>

<p>I don’t know what to say, whitepicketfence. I don’t have any coping mechanisms or tips for you. Just know you’re not struggling alone. :)</p>

6

<p>whitepicketfence, I can imagine what you must be going through but I can not give any advice on how to cope with the situation.</p>

<p>I lost my dear sister more than 10 years ago and she was the one who brought me up. Her death could have been avoided.</p>

<p>Usually people have nightmares about something bad happening to near and dear. It is the opposite for me. I dream about her often and wake up to a kind of sadness that is hard to describe. There is so much I want to tell her … :’(</p>

7

<p>My H’s sister was killed by a careless (and probably drunk) driver nine years ago. She was without a doubt the best human being I have ever met–wisest, kindest, funnest, funniest. She was 43. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, and I know that’s also true of her surviving sister and brothers.</p>

<p>On top of the sadness, there will always be anger. The man who caused the accident (and got off in the trial) wrote a letter to the family about “God’s will.” I do not think God made him run my SIL off the road, so I am not angry at God. </p>

<p>But I try not to let those feelings color the memories of her, and the zillion ways she made the world a better place. Like Onward, I try to live in a way that would make her proud.</p>

8

<p>My younger sister died more than ten years ago. I still miss her terribly, but the day to day pain of the loss does temper over time. My advice is: don’t berate yourself for how you feel. There is no timeline on how you should “deal.” </p>

<p>One of the hardest things for me is the realization that adult sibling loss is not really seen as something big or traumatic. I’m viewed as a “secondary” mourner. To this day, when I run into anyone who knows our family, people will ask how my parents are coping. No one asks after me. As a mom myself, I get it. The loss of a child is so very different from the loss of a sib. But most people – people who have their siblings or quarrel with their siblings or don’t stay in touch with their siblings – don’t really see it.</p>

9

<p>I wonder if it might make you feel better to reach out to his girlfriend, to say that you are thinking about your brother and you are grateful for her role in his life. She is probably also mourning the anniversary of his death and might welcome someone to talk to.</p>

10

<p>My husband lost his dear brother 2 years ago - he was 52 and left behind 2 adoring kids, 21 and 19 at the time and a lovely wife. We all miss him terribly and think of him often. It does help to talk about him and remember him - he too was one of those special, kind people.</p>

<p>Don’t be hard on yourself - its normal. After all, for many of us, our siblings are often the only people who can understand certain things about our background, family, etc. When a family issue comes up, either good or bad, my husband will say “I wish E*** was here to talk about this”. He misses that bond.</p>

<p>Hugs to you. Its a tribute to your relationship that after 6 years, you still feel the pain so deeply.</p>

11

<p>I lost a younger brother just over a year ago, Thanksgiving weekend 2012. I did make it to the hospital before he died, and had spent much time with him in the weeks previous. But he was unconscious by the time I got to the hospital, so I could not interact with him, just be there. He died a few hours after I arrived.</p>

<p>I have some guilt that I spent Thanksgiving with my family in my home in another city. The plan had been for me to return to my brother’s city after the holiday weekend. (My other brother lives in that same city and was with the hospitalized brother over the holiday weekend.) We had no idea things would go downhill so very fast – I was on the phone with the doc and nurses over the weekend. But we had been told that things could “explode” at any time. (Cancer of esophagus, first hospitalization due to vision and balance issues in September, finally diagnosed stage IV in October. My brothers both were NYC residents, and the ill brother’s treatment, etc. was complicated by NYC hospital challenges/closings due to Sandy. Honestly, the saga could be a book. But the outcome was inevitable – brain mets at diagnosis (quite rare).)</p>

<p>Anyhow, I am definitely haunted by what happened. The brother who passed was single, but he had devoted and wonderful friends. Connecting with them is of some help. But my ill brother was in denial (made it clear he did not want to know how bad his prognosis was, wanted to think positive), so we were never able to have the talks I wish we could have had, and his friends mentioned the same frustration.</p>

<p>We had buried my mother the previous spring, and that was fine, plenty of time to process (Alzheimer’s then stroke), and the natural cycle of life, and she had lived a full life, the quality of which would not be the same had she lived longer. No problem with that. My father had predeceased her by several decades – too soon, heart attack, we just had to deal.</p>

<p>The only advice I can give is that however hard it is to lose someone, those feelings are a measure of what they brought to this life. There is an expression to that effect, “How wonderful it is to once have had something it is so hard to say goodbye to.”</p>

<p>P.S. Found actual quote:
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
― A.A. Milne, *Winnie-the-Pooh *</p>

12

<p>I have lost two of my three older sisters. Both were heavy smokers with smoking-related diagnoses. </p>

<p>One died seven years ago and one died this May. Sadness hit out of the blue for a while. </p>

<p>Now - for the sister who passed away seven years ago - memories seem a good thing - a way of saying “hi” to her and remembering. Little things trigger the memories - a book, something on the internet. I feel like she’s reached out and touched my day somewhat. At least, that’s been my experience.</p>

<p>So sorry for your loss and the sadness you still feel.</p>

13

<p>What a wonderful quote, JEM!</p>

14

<p>My dear sister died 15 years ago, of cancer. I have days of missing her harder or more and days where I only think of her.
I don’t ever get the time heals thing. The first five years were really hard, because I missed her. The next five years were ok, life went on but I missed her for helping me deal with DS and his HS challenges. This last five years with challenges from both parents and my H were really bad for missing her. I needed her (older sister) to help me with all that. I think there are days I miss her harder now than I did the first year of her death. And hers was a long goodbye, too. She fought hard to live fore five years with the cancer to get her DD through HS. She made it (although my niece didn’t graduate, ran off instead). So at the end it was really a relief for her to stop fighting so hard. Cancer treatments are not as harsh now and are more effective usually. Back then, the treatments seemed to be worse than anything.</p>

<p>However, if you can’t get out of bed OFTEN (once a year, definitely is OK and you can take that day to mourn however best fits you and your sibling) but if the depression gets crushing … go get help. That identified sadness might be a focus that is taking your mind off something else you might need addressed.</p>

15

<p>Forty-one years ago, when I was 24, I lost my brother and his wife (who was like a sister to me) in an auto accident. Twenty-five years ago I lost my other brother to cancer. I was the youngest and we were all very close, and I think about them every day. They still come to me in dreams sometimes although not as frequently as before. Since the death of my mother I have been the last survivor of my birth family. It is strange to be the only one remaining who remembers the life of a family.</p>

<p>It is true that the pain and sense of loss diminish as the years go by. It is not God’s will that people are taken before their time or that people should suffer pain and loss. Rather, God is the source of the courage and comfort that enable us to go forward. </p>

<p>One source of comfort for me has been Rabbi Harold Kushner’s wonderful book ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’. </p>

<p>‘Love is not changed by Death,
And nothing is lost and all in the end is harvest’
–Edith Sitwell</p>

16

<p>My H lost his only brother to suicide 5½ years ago. H is still haunted by the pain of it. His brother was 8 years older than H, their two sisters older than that. (H was an oops baby). So, while H was close to his sisters growing up, they were almost like 2nd mothers then sisters.</p>

<p>He really misses his brother and I am sometimes at a loss as to how to help him fill that void.</p>

17

<p>Thank you everyone who shared your stories. (intparent, thanks of the PM. I don’t have enough posts to message you back) Today is much better. Yesterday was just one of those days. Usually, the time leading up to anniversaries is the hardest, but this year the actual day hit me hard! Our mom has dementia and while I am glad my brother didn’t have to see her the way she is now, I am feeling overwhelmed by her needs. I have a living sister, but she isn’t as involved as I need her to be, but that is another whole thread…</p>

<p>Last night, my husband assured me that I am doing better all the time. I feel it today. I am making one of my brother’s favorites for dinner tonight with a smile on my face. Hugs to all you siblings out there and hope today is good day for you!</p>

18

<p>I have not lost a sibling, but my children have. While I have learned to live with the pain of losing my 22 year old son to suicide over 2 years ago, my greatest pain now is witnessing the grief of my 2 daughters. They really seem to be doing well and I think they try to hide it from me for fear of causing me more grief, but I sense they both have bad moments. I think (I hope) that they are able to be there for each other. We are a close family. I try to bring him up in conversation and they are starting to do this more too. It is never easy and I hope you are able to find something that can help you to ease the pain. During my darkest days, I had to remind myself what a special person my son was and that my pain was a reflection of how much he loved me and I loved him. I wish you peace.</p>

19

<p>Heavyheart, I am so sorry for your loss.</p>

<p>My brother died 4-1/2 years ago at age 44. It isn’t easy to lose a sibling, and I do miss him. Sadly, his daughter has misplaced her anger at her dad dying by pushing my brothers & I out of her life. My mom died less than a year after my brother, and my dad died a couple years later. I miss all of them, and this Christmas it hit me especially hard. </p>

<p>The sad truth is, we will have to deal with the death of a loved one more than a few times in our lives.</p>

20

<p>These posts are making me weepy. I lost my only sibling 3 years ago to cancer. Although she died in 2010, I really “lost” her years before that. She had brain cancer and the radiation treatments caused brain damage. She lived in a nursing home the last 4 years if her life. We were 18 months apart in age. I personally know that I will never be 100% happy , ever. She was my best friend. Nothing can ever fill that void no matter how rich my other relationships are.( Kids, friends, significant other)</p>