@doschics@3puppies
we only have one high school, kid had an unusual last name that came up on a Google search with connections to the high school, that’s why I know the kid is only a junior. I would never take it to the principle, I think this is an issue between parent and child and see zero reason to involve the school.
It is a legal issue and can see where some (including my dh) wanted to just let law enforcement deal with it but I really didn’t want to do that to the kid. Schools have enough to deal with and shouldn’t be concerned with what kids do or don’t do while they are off campus.
A HS school might have limited options for disciplining anyone for things that happen outside of school property and that were not school-sponsored… if this was turned to the HS, the parents might have a different reaction, coming to the defense of the kid.
OP, you did the right thing. My hopes is that the parents were smart enough to take the car keys away. It could be a life saving move.
This is reminding my of a similar episode at my house growing up.
A pretty recently widowed woman across the street was raising two girls on her own. The younger girl fell in with the wrong crowd, including twin boys in my grade. One day, our home was broken into. Only a few things were stolen, mostly pawnable things such as a CB radio. But one of my father’s handguns was taken as well. That really shook Dad. Thankfully, we had a Mrs. Kravitz-type neighbor who witnessed the break-in – it was the twins with the neighbor girl acting as lookout. When he learned who it was, he convened a meeting of the mother, the girl and the twin boys. I’ll never forget this because it was the Friday night of a school dance, and there I was in my formal while Dad was lecturing my classmates. Rather than making this a school matter or a police matter, which could have far graver consequences beyond his control, he let her mother know and handle it. He recovered everything but the CB radio, and the boys paid him for that. And they got a good scolding from my father. I’ve had one of those; it’s not pleasant.
I was proud of my dad, the original softy, for showing that stressed-out single mom mercy by not getting her daughter in a situation with greater consequences that could follow her for a long time.I don’t see how getting the police or the school involved would have helped in that situation or the one described by the OP, unless the idea is that we need to be punitive. Once it gets into others’ hands there’s no control of what happens next. We all know kids are stupid and make mistakes. I hope that this kid’s parents took the car away and that he’s living with their wrath and consequences and will think twice before doing something like this again.
My 49 year old Dad self would have done exactly as you did.
My 17 year old underage self with a fake ID would have been horrified and would have darkly cursed your name while I worked through a long list of chores during my resulting month long grounding.
Now imagine if one of the twins who stole the gun from your house with the help of your neighbor turned out to be the neo-Nazi in Northern Virginia who snuck into his GF’s house one night a few weeks ago and murdered both of her parents when they confronted him. Would that change your opinion about what your dad did?
IMO once the gun was stolen it should absolutely have been a police matter.
There’s another thread going that discusses what a student should do about the possibility that some campus cops had stolen some money she found and I am shocked at the number of people commenting that she shouldn’t go up the chain of command at her university about it if she feels that she should.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good [people] should do nothing.”
This was almost 40 years ago. Different times. But, yeah, he was more careful after that. Growing up in the country and raising his kids to respect guns as tools, not toys, I don’t think it occurred to him to BE more careful. He has gun safes now.
If only the boys were involved, it would have been a police matter. And because the gun was recovered. But because he knew the mom’s story and the girl had never been in trouble, he was more merciful. Trust me, in today’s climate, I’m not sure he would make the same choice.
@youdon’tsay, the 40 years ago part totally changes the context. Sadly, today we can’t count on parents doing the right thing to the extent that we used to be able to.
The neighbors of the neo-Nazi teenager who observed that he mowed a swastika into the field on a local park took their concerns to the teenager’s parents and didn’t involve the police, and I’ve read that they are now wondering if they did the right thing.
@Hunt I don’t know what the charges were. It was neither a club nor a bar. She was out to dinner with her of-age boyfriend and planned to order a glass of wine. She took the fake ID out of her purse and was arrested before she even ordered.
I didn’t ask for more information than the mother was willing to share.
I strongly believe the legal drinking age should be lowered to 19.
This type of situation is exactly why fake ids should be handed over to the police. A fake id could have allowed the minor in the OP’s story to purchase a firearm illegally.
OP - I was wondering if the fact that this kid’s family lives in a gated community had any influence on your decision to cut them some slack? If he lived “on the other side of the tracks” would you have done the same thing? I don’t want to accuse OP or anyone else of racism/classism, but in my experience, people are generally more willing to help others who are more like themselves.
I can understand wanting to leave it between parent and child, but if the kid is a spoiled brat, or has any history of issues, I think law enforcement should deal with it. I understand that in some communities, the schools are so overwhelmed and would not want to deal with something like this. In my rural/suburban town, the school principal would welcome the chance to help a student/family, and would totally understand my perspective of wanting to cut slack if appropriate, but be harsh if warranted.
I am sure the kid’s family was pleased you saved him a lot of hassle.
@3puppies the address was on the far west side of town, I live on the far east side and am not very familiar with the area other than it’s very mixed use. Until I pulled up I didn’t have any idea if the kid lived in a trailer park, on a ranch, in a subdivison or in a gated community. I have no idea if the kid is a “spoiled brat” or has a “history of issues” none of my business. I’m sure his parents know his history and know how to best parent their kid.
Actually, I don’t feel I cut the kid any slack, my concern in my OP was if I should have told the mom about the fake ID or not. Since I did tell the mom because I really didn’t want the kid potentially driving and drinking under 17 (most likely explanation of how his wallet ended up in the middle of the road in my neighborhood with his fake ID up front and real ID hidden between).
I think the decent thing to do would’ve been to drop the wallet in the mailbox. No need to give the kid a hard time or personally involve yourself in his life. It’s none of your business. There are dozens of countries around the world where drinking at 16 is totally legal. In fact, there are more countries with a drinking age of 16 than there are countries with a drinking age of 21. It’s not like he was 12. 16 is too old for you to have inserted yourself.
Also, people lose wallets, wallets get stolen. That’s not necessarily and indictment against his maturity. Also, hard to imagine his wallet would’ve ended up in the street if he was actually driving.
Me personally, I would’ve either A, discarded the fake ID and return the wallet or B, return it with a note inside. Also worth noting that many kids have multiple IDs for when they do in fact get taken away by cops, parents, or at bars. And they just get new ones. In all likelihood, he’ll probably lose his holiday gifts for a bit and get a new one, if he doesn’t already have a second one.
TL;DR- The drinking age is stupid. 16 year olds in a lot of other countries can drink legally and responsibly there. No reason why it can’t happen in here.
@Hunt Here’s where my stance comes from: when S lost wallet with fake ID, it was found in the Port Authority Bus Terminal. The police it would have been given to are the PA Police–the same outfit who covered the World Trade Center. NYC takes security pretty seriously. I would not want to assume that someone with a fake ID would get a slap on the wrist in that city, especially from the PA police.
@calicash So you think I should have waited until Monday, (this happened Sunday morning) driven to the post office paid for mailing and insurance so the kid would get his wallet back on Wednesday or Thursday? And I’m out the time it takes me to drive to the nearest post office and cost of mailing and insurance? I’m ok spending the time I had available on a Sunday morning and a few bucks on gas to be a good neighbor but mailing it to him would very inconvenient. Our local PO is very close to his address but because of the crazy postal rules all our local mail gets sent to Austin to be sorted and then sent back to our town.
Or are you really saying I should have just pitched to wallet in the mail box and hope that the contract postal person is honest and doesn’t pocket the cash and toss the wallet? What will they do with it, send it to the SC address or hunt for the TX address, my guess is that they’d just turn it over to the sheriff’s office which is what I wanted to avoid.
Countries with lower drinking ages generally have higher age requirements to get driver’s licences. I ok with learning to drink before learning to drive or learning drive before learning to drink but I don’t they should be done at the same time.
Maybe I just should have just left it in the street…
How would I do that, you have to have a key to open mail boxes here. They aren’t by the houses like when I grew up they are altogether in each neighborhood.