<p>My son moved back to go to local grad school and live at home. He would prefer to live on campus (12 miles away!) but we said no way. Now, we did agree to pay for grad school, and for him to live at home and pay his living expenses. But we are in a difficult situation, financially, now. I know we raised him to expect us to pay almost everything, but I still keep thinking he should “know” we are not able to do things the old way, and “want” to help us out. (We have explained our financial situation in detail to him.) My expectation is that when he returned a suit I bought him (at his request) for graduation, which he never wore, that when he returned it, he would give me the store voucher or save it for when he really did need something. Instead, he promptly got things for himself he didn’t really need. It was a men’s only store, and I have no need for it, but still! I got angry. We are having some difficulties over this attitude…I expect that maybe he uses his money (he works part time) to fill up the family car with gas. I expect him to contribute some toward our once a month house cleaner (the house gets much dirtier with him home), etc. EEEK. I’m feeling frustrated. (Please, no lectures about how I raised him, how spoiled he is, or how I taught him this! Believe me, I know this! That’s part of the self loathing and frustration I feel.) Advice? Thank you.</p>
<p>Have you discussed your expectations you outlined above with him and if so, what does he have to say about them? If not then that’s the starting point.</p>
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<p>That’s not working, so it’s time to talk to him. Clearly, without anger or blame, explain to him that things have changed and here is what he can do to help out. Ask him to fill up the car once a month or once a week or whatever you feel is reasonable. Ask him to contribute X to the housekeeper. Ask him to give you back cash or vouches when he returns something you bought. And so on.</p>
<p>You really cannot expect him to read your mind. It’s time to clearly spell out your expectations and see what he says.</p>