TL;DR: Friend agreed to room with me for Fall 2016 + Spring 2017, then already moved out Spring 2016…
I asked a friend over dinner if she’d like to room with me for junior year and she agreed.
Later, during winter break, I texted her by initiating small talk (Mom pushed me to ask her again during winter break if she was still willing to be with me.) After the small talk she went along the lines, “Good news, I switched out into an apartment room for next semester - you should totally come over :)”
I was surprised, so I asked her if she already found a roommate and let her know I was considering rooming with her next year. My friend said her roommate was an RA, so the only person who could live with her is an RA…but she also added on that I should apply for a room in her apartment building…and that she would be willing to move in with me if I found a vacancy for the two of us, stating that getting in is hard but moving within the building is easy.
My mom was hurt when I told her about this, stating that my freshman and sophomore roommates were better than her in the sense that they were loyal and she betrayed me…and then I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t she have said she was going to move into an apartment asap the next semester, when I initially asked her about rooming together? I would be okay if she was honest. She said nothing until I was super blunt.”
In spite of all this, my mom said that I should continue the friendship with her (since she’s one of my extremely few friends who I hang out with outside of classes) but never rely on her again for rooming matters. A few times my mom even mentioned that I should invite her over to my house.
Do you guys agree with my mom, or should I become more distant and gradually cut off ties with her? (I have slight social anxiety so I’m generally confused with matters like these.)
Only you can decide if this violation of trust makes you want to continue the friendship or not. However, I would wait to decide to cut ties until you are over this initial disappointment/anger. You could also tell your friend that you are hurt by her decision. It may not change the situation, but if you are going to learn to have adult relationships you are going to have to be responsible for how you feel, and when hurt or angry, give the person who hurt you the opportunity to take responsibility for their part. They can’t do that if they don’t know. And even if you do absolutely the right thing, it still might not work out. You can only control your side of the equation.
It sounds like maybe she only has a plan for right now (spring of 2016) and still hasn’t finalized the plans for next year and hasn’t ruled you out as a roommate. There definitely could have been better communication. Not sure I would characterize this as a betrayal. We don’t know the details about the original discussion you had with her in which she agreed to be your roommate next year. Was the agreement that you would stay in the dorms and room together or that you would move out and get an apartment together? Since as you say you don’t have a lot of friends, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. The issue now is whether you pursue the uncertain option of moving in with her into her apartment building next year (that admittedly you had no input in selecting) or whether you start making new plans that don’t involve her.
@CheddarcheeseMN me and her agreed to an apartment…but after finding out she switched asap, I messaged my freshman year roommate if she would like to room with me.
My former roommate agreed to room with me via apartment, even though she is way more relaxed about junior year rooming than I am.
My mom said to not bring up the rooming situation to my friend again and contact my freshman roommate asap (since we got along), and my dad said this situation is no big deal.
Just to clarify, the two of you agreed to room off campus 2016-2017 but she has now moved into an apartment this current semester (spring 2016) and she’ll be living there next academic year with no room available in the apartment for you to join her in the fall?
@iwannabe_Brown she said she’d be willing to move in with me the next academic year, if I apply into her same apartment building and find a vacant room for the two of us. Because she is living with an RA, I can’t move into her room in the future. And yes, she found an apartment asap, even though she agreed to move in with me in the future.
I don’t think I fully understand. You and this girl weren’t planning to be roommates until next year? If that’s the case, why does where she’s living now bother you? She hasn’t backed out of living with you next semester; she’s just not giving up her current situation unless there’s a place for her to move to, which is understandable.
Can you find a room the two of you can share? If not, make plans to live somewhere else with your former roommate. Just be aware that she’ll have every right to feel as you do, that you had an agreement and you didn’t follow through on it. I do think it would have been nicer if she agreed to help you look, but since she didn’t I’d pursue an arrangement with your other friend. Make sure you let her know your plans have changed, though. And I agree with your dad; it’s not a big deal.
I have to tell you that this goes on often…my daughter had some friends she thought were going to get an apt with her on campus…but by the end, one girl did and the other girls stayed in dorms. Sometiems it is about other things like cost, dorm vs apt, who is ready to sign, etc. I say keep your friend…you will see if this friendship plays out or not.
You don’t have to cut ties or get angry with anyone. Your first priority is to have a place to live and study next year. A single on campus dorm room may be better in your situation. No drama.
From a parent: You have eight months notice that your friend or former friend has decided to take advantage of other housing opportunities. If you want to quit being someone’s friend over this the loss is yours, not hers. I can understand the frustration, but you are being a bit silly, and your mother is being really silly.
One of my best friends backed out of living with me right before we signed a lease. She’s just very noncommittal when it comes to almost everything in her life (she still has not signed a lease because she doesn’t want to commit to anywhere) but it doesn’t make her a bad friend or person. I would never have cut ties with her because of it, and if this girl really is your friend, you won’t cut her off, either.