<p>…Continuing a conversation begun with a group of friends with differing opinions. Thought I’d see what this learned group thinks about it, as I’m sure some of you have been there. Here’s the premise: You have been friends with your sibling’s spouse over the years, even before they were married. They divorce and it’s not pretty. Some might call it a bitter divorce, in fact. Can you remain friends with the former spouse without hurting the sibling and/or future spouse? </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s appropriate. My brother divorced my good friend and, sadly, I had to say good-bye to our friendship out of loyalty to my brother. It would have been very upsetting to him if I’d continued to communicate with her, etc. Can’t imagine maintaining a friendship with the former spouse AND with the new wife. I’d think that would be very hard on the new wife who’d like to marry into a supportive family…</p>
<p>Interested in various opinions/experiences…</p>
<p>He did not (and would not) ask me to ‘choose sides’. It was clear to me that he would not have been comfortable with it. She made his life miserable for a while there. She and I were good friends, but it just wouldn’t have worked. Frankly, she didn’t understand, but I made my choice…</p>
<p>I’d say you’re right, OP. One of my brothers had a bitter divorce and all the siblings dropped any friendship with his ex. Cordial when meeting, of course. I wasn’t friends with her before the marriage so that made the decision simpler.</p>
<p>My other bro married my college roommate. They parted amicably a few years later, no kids, and happily remarried other people. I’ve had no trouble maintaining a friendship with this ex.</p>
<p>I laughed at this, as I never liked my 2 SILs & BILs execs before they married into the family (husband’s siblings). Without them, family gatherings are far less stressful! (the other in-law & I typically retreat to the back room and stay out of the way).</p>
<p>My “aunt” (my uncle and her have been divorced since before I was born), has remained a part of my family despite their bitter divorce. When my aunt and uncle were getting divorced and going through a custody battle, my cousin ended up living with us for a while. My mother and her were friends long before my uncle and her married, and my grandparents were like a second set of parents to her. Even though my grandparents passed away years after their divorce, she was by their bedside throughout much of their time in the hospital. She remarried long ago and now I have an extra uncle and cousins from that marriage. </p>
<p>Really, it varies by family. In my family, my mom was closer to my aunt than to my uncle. She didn’t cut ties with either one, but remained very close. My uncle has never had an issue with it, at least in my memory, and they came to terms with each other years after the divorce.</p>
<p>A friend of mine went through that. She was close friends with the husband’s sister before she married him. And the divorce was based on something he’d done, so the sister was very sympathetic to the friend. The woman told me that her other friend said, “Look, I love my brother, but he’s being a jerk, and I’m not going to stop being friends with you just because of that.” It meant the world to this woman not to lose a friend while she was already losing her spouse.</p>
<p>H’s brother left his wife of 10years+ with infant twins (one of whom was severely handicapped) for a much younger co-worker who was pregnant with his child.<br>
Everyone loved the first s-i-l, “R”. She was kind, intelligent, a good mother. . .
Bro. eventually married trailer trash gf, “J”–who left bro. only a few years later for the guy down the street. Not sure if they ever divorced, but they live separately. R kept in touch, but had to pull back from the extended family after the divorce–she used to give gifts to nieces/nephews, but stopped that. More than 10 years later, R–also remarried to a nice man–had to get a restraining order against bro. because he got in a fight with her H–and not allowed contact with one of his sons. Pretty picture when R and her parents, who had a long-term relationship with the entire family, showed up at her ex f-i-l’s (my f-i-l’s) funeral. The fact that everyone spoke to R and her parents and were nice to them at the funeral–and had little to say to J–somehow caused bro. to stop speaking to his entire family. That was 5 years ago. No one has heard from bro. since. I’m still friends with R on facebook. She is a lovely, classy woman–always was. Too bad bro. left her. Crazy southern family. . .</p>
<p>My XH and I divorced a couple years ago after nearly 25 years. I was close to both BIL and their wives. From the very beginning all of them told me that I was their sister and their sister I shall remain. We have kept a close friendship throughout the years and I visit them and they visit me here and stay with me. I even vacation annually with one of my SIL. </p>
<p>For a long time both brothers were angry with XH about the divorce and didn’t speak to him for awhile. Slowly the relationships are improving, more so with one brother than the other. It is sad to see their relationships strained though. XH was close to both of his brothers before this. </p>
<p>I treasure my relationship with my IL’s. We keep it separate from XH. They still consider me part of their family. Even his aunts and cousins keep in contact with me.</p>
<p>Fortunately H and I weren’t friends with ex-BIL before the divorce. Lived far away, different stages in our lives, etc. After the divorce we only had to see him a few times, so all those thoughts of “you lying, cheating scum-ball” didn’t have to surface often.
If other family members got divorced in the future, I would have a hard time. We are very close to the spouses.</p>
<p>My SIL divorced, and my in laws invited her ex to spend holidays with them. They had known him for years and loved him like a son. They told SIL she divorced him; they did not. It worked out okay. He passed away a couple years after the divorce, and my in laws were there for him to the end.</p>
<p>H & I have a friend from college who married his fraternity brother. We were closer to the woman, having known her longer (she is 3 years older than he). He cheated on her and dragged her through a really bad divorce. She was really mad at us for still seeing her ex when the fraternity brothers get together (which they do often) — she felt that we should shun him because of his behavior. Flash forward a bunch of years, and she no longer minds if we see him. She has moved on, is remarried, and it’s not such a big deal anymore.</p>
<p>There’s not a lot of divorce in our family, but mostly relations stay cordial. On a road trip I visited my ex-Aunt and liked her ever so much better than when she was married to my rather flaky uncle.</p>
<p>In the case of a bitter divorce obviously it’s more difficult. My brother married my best friend from college and I was always terrified they wouldn’t stay together. (They can both be challenging.) But they’ve been married close to 30 years now.</p>
<p>My husband and I had both been married before the two of us got married. Both of us went through rather difficult divorces. Given those circumstance, we both preferred that our ex-spouses not remain close to our family members. In both instances, family members honored our wishes. That being said, I don’t think that there’s a “right” course of behavior–depends on the circumstances.</p>
<p>My DH is still annoyed that his parents could not let go of the girl they thought he would marry. He was away at college and broke it off with her, she was at home and stayed soo connected to the family that to this day she is their ‘other daughter’. We skipped many fun trips in our first decade of marriage as he did not want to go with her, he broke it off as he did NOT want to spend the rest of his life with her. Don’t get me wrong, no anger, no hostility, she is very nice, he just did not want to spend time with her and the parents constant fawning over her was a pain. </p>
<p>So, I think people could stay in touch in some instances, but it should not prevent the immediate family from being in their own group at significant times, like holidays and vacations.</p>
<p>If there are kids involved, I think the family has the right to decide to remain close to the ex, who is spending a lot of her time & energy raising those kids, even if officially it’s “joint custody.” My friend & her H had a rather bitter divorce, broke his parents’ heart & it was awhile before they would speak with him. His folks helped the ex fix up a house she bought so she had a place to live in with the kids. His familyl is still upset at his actions and remarriage. She’s mostly moved on in her life but remains friendly with the in-laws, who are the kids’ grandparents, aunts & uncles. She has handled herself in a very classy manner, unlike her ex & his new wife. It worked out mostly OK.</p>
<p>If there are no kids involved, I think it’s probably best to loosen the friendship with the ex & help the relative through the rough patch. If things ease up a bit after the split, the friendship can be renewed with no hard feelings all the way around. Of course, as the posts above indicate, opinions & situations differ greatly.</p>
<p>I can speak on this. My own mother has stayed very good friends with my XH. He left me with two small children, in very difficult financial circumstances. After a year or so, my mom got in touch with him, and they called regularly. She still talks to him and sends him small gifts on Christmas and his birthday. He and his current wife used to come to take her out for dinner with my D when my mom visited from out of state. </p>
<p>This had big ramifications with my second husband. He was quite upset by my mom’s closeness to the XH. There were even worse ramifications with my D, as my mom told him things about my D and tried to influence his behavior toward her (to see her more regularly). There was a huge altercation there, with her dad telling her not to complain to her grandma about him. Now that she is grown, she has as little to do with her grandma as possible.</p>
<p>I have three brothers and all have been divorced. I still keep in contact with two of the exes. My brother’s are a lot older than me so I have a different pov. Both of them helped me a great deal while I was planning my wedding by pulling off a wonderful reception with hardly any money. The first exwife was one of the sweetest people I knew. She has always been supportive of me her mother made me a throw by hand for my wedding. The second one is also extremely nice. Her mother and mine were best friends. The third one, I have negative memories and therefore I don’t keep in contact with.</p>
<p>I haven’t lived in the same state in over 20 years (since marriage), but I still send Christmas cards and visit whenever I go home. </p>
<p>Because brother’s we’re older, each of them played a significant part of my growing up and I have fond memories of them. I also blame each of the divorces on my brothers…</p>
<p>My relationship with my brothers are fine. They know I keep in contact and they have never said anything bad about it.</p>
<p>Also if I ever divorced my DH, I would be crushed if I no longer had any contact with my sister in law and her children. I treat my nephews and nieces as my own. We have travelled together as a family with and without my DH. We have spent nearly every major holiday together for over 20 years.</p>
<p>One of my friends thought up until recently that my sister-in-law was actually was my sister and not my husbands.</p>
<p>I am a strong believer in family which includes my extended family. I think if we ever divorced without any major fault of mine (adultery), then I would hope they would still be a part of my life.</p>
<p>For me it would depend on what was the cause of the divorce. If my sibling did something like cheat then I would not give up my friendship with his wife.</p>