<p>DH and I own a small business. I am primarily the administrative person, he is the big picture guy and the one with all the technical knowledge necessary in our industry. We have gone from 12 employees a year ago to 4 (including the two of us). We have two business vehicles which are basically parked right now because we don’t need them. </p>
<p>I have a friend whose husband is self employed. They are in very bad shape. About to lose their business properties because the bank called the loan. I saw her yesterday and she told me her husband is a “walking heart attack.” </p>
<p>On the one hand, we are self employed so at least we control our own destiny…I know there are a lot of people who have been laid off and have no income. I get that and I am the kind of person who always sees other people in worse shape and feels “lucky” to have what I have. </p>
<p>Okay…finally the question. Men out there: how do we support our husbands in this tough time? My answer has been to keep everything calm, clean, etc at home. I’ve gone back to using coupons and buying stuff on sale…cutting back on both personal and business overhead everywhere possible. Trying to reduce financial pressures. In our situation we are also recent empty nesters so it’s a little weird because after years of working too much now we finally have some time and the kids are gone. </p>
<p>Anything else my friend and I could be doing? I know it sounds sexist but as women our lives are not completely defined by our business/careers. For our guys it really is. Emotionally I know it is tough on them. (I am commenting here on the dynamic for my friend and I…not to get into a debate about SAHM vs. career moms etc.)</p>
<p>(Oh goodie! Somebody actually asked for a male point of view) </p>
<p>Continue providing lots of nookie! :D</p>
<p>Much of what you describe sounds familiar. I think you are on the right track, especially being thrifty around the home. I place myself in the “extremely lucky” camp, but with no jobs in the family I don’t think our savings will last forever. Sometimes I want to scream, “Am I the only one around here that is worried about money?”</p>
<p>My advice would be to make sure your H knows that you admire and respect him. You might swallow some criticisms or complaints that you might normally express. The other thing I might suggest is that men don’t really like “problem talk” (read Deborah Tannen’s “You Just Don’t Understand”). In other words, while women often feel better if they talk through all the problems they are having, this will not necessarily help men at all, especially if it doesn’t help identify solutions to the problems. In other words, he may really not want to talk about it, and talking about it may not make him feel better. Going bowling or watching a football game on TV may make him feel better. (You, on the the hand, may need to talk about it–perhaps you and your friend could talk about how you feel about the problems.)</p>
<p>I think each situation is different. What you’ve described so far seems reasonable.</p>
<p>I have seen a number of marriages fail because the spouse (wife) had no clue how difficult it was to compete in the economic environment. Demands that the husband be home at a certain time…that he tell his boss what the rules of the road were going to be. In one discussion, I said to my friend, "If you do what (wife’s name) wants you to do, …“I’ll get fired” (he finished). He was right. She was clueless as to the demands of the job. It was a birthright to her that he would always be successful and that no one else could supplant him in the organization. </p>
<p>You clearly are not clueless. Making sure to minimize expenses, and not pretend that there is some magic formula that will correct everything will go a long way. </p>
<p>What if you cancelled the insurance and the registration for the vehicles that are parked…at least until you need them again? You wouldn’t have to sell them, but theres no reason to pay thousands per year if they aren’t being driven.</p>
<p>edit: I agree with Hunt about the problem talk. It seems to me that some women see this as a “here’s what’s wrong with you and now all you need to do is to correct it”. I’ve never understood why getting together to tell each other what you think is “wrong” with the other one would ever help anything. I for one don’t react positively to such talks. I do not believe I am unique in this.</p>
<p>Hugs every day, even short ones, randomly distributed.
Toleration of extended periods of silence.
(even a slight) increase in % of affirmative responses to coital advances.
Ironically, less talk about how to “solve” the financial situation.</p>
<p>Kei,
you crack me up! (and you sound just like my husband)
I think I am on the right track.<br>
Agree with all of you regarding the cluelessness. For many years my husband was the manager of a big division of another company. Lots of the guys had to travel (including mine). One of the wives had a kid in preschool with ours. Every day at school she would harangue me about why her husband had to travel. (As if I could make my husband change the guys schedule). My gut reaction was to ask “are you cashing his paycheck and spending the money? Quit your *****ing”. I never did…I would just smile and tell her I knew it was hard and that mine travelled too :)</p>
<p>Agree with dadx regarding talking about it. I’m currently unemployed. If my wife wants to ask a specific question about our situation, I’m OK with that. But to sit and talk for the sake of talking about it does my psyche no good. I already know the mountain is high, lets not shovel any more dirt on the top, please.</p>
<p>This is a real difference between how men and women talk, and how they approach problems. Women, this is why when you want to talk through your problems and your feelings about your problems, your husband will annoyingly tell you how to solve the problem rather than listening to you. (When my wife begins telling me about some problem at work, I now know to ask whether she wants suggestions or just wants to vent. I can’t predict very well which it will be.)</p>
<p>I’m not male, but in terms of problem solving, I’m wondering whether anything could be gained by you looking for another job and then leaving the family business if you get one.</p>
<p>It sounds as though you are the person with the more generalized skills. There might be more job opportunities out there for you than for your husband, and it might be easier to find someone else who could do the work you currently do in your family business than it would be to find someone to do your husband’s work. And if you had a full-time job outside the family business, it would come with health insurance for both of you – probably at a more reasonable cost than you and your husband are paying right now. </p>
<p>Having you earning some income, even if it is not limited, and having your job provide the family’s health insurance might make things easier for your husband, who would then not have as much to worry about if your family business fails or if closing the business might be a wise decision.</p>
<p>Marian,
That may be in the future but we are not there yet. I am just very conservative and plan for things that are 6-12 months out.<br>
It’s interesting when I talk about how I always see others that are in worse shape. I know small business owners who are not making a profit, who are not paying themselves, who are putting their own money in to keep their company afloat.
Thankfully we are in none of those positions. We are just looking to the long term and that picture may not be very bright.
Hunt…it is a tough one. I have learned to speak up and sometimes say…“I just want to vent about this and I do not want your suggestions on how to solve it.” Or “How do you think I can or should solve this problem?”</p>
<p>OK, not a male perspective here, but I think DH would agree with the other men responding - can the talk. He retired a couple of years ago, and we have had to work through “too much togetherness”. Our entire married life has been spent with less together time than we really wanted, and now all of a sudden we have much more. Ebeee, you guys have been working together, but now you have lost the buffer of other employees - does that make a difference?</p>
<p>We have gone through this a lot, my husband is in a job where they often strike for 2 or 3 months at a time every three or so years, and for one period of time he was underemployed ( he was laid off, and filling in with odd jobs), for almost two years.
( the rest of the time , they may have forced overtime of up to three weekends a month- so it is a pretty difficult way to live)</p>
<p>I try to look at every door shutting as another one opening- it could be a good time to think about changing careers/going back to school- retiring in a cheaper country/state.
It is important I think to have a schedule- stay active, eat heathy etc.</p>
<p>I can’t advise about the financial logistics of owning a business sorry.</p>
<p>Male and female generalizations are just that, generalizations, and they do not fit everyone. I would agree about the tendency for women to talk through their concerns. That does not work for me and I suspect for most men. Women also have a tendency to use shopping as a form of entertainment. When times are tough I don’t want to spend money unnecessarily. My wife just doesn’t seem to get this. “Using coupons and and buying stuff on sale” don’t qualify. If it is not necessary, don’t buy it. If you are really worried about finances, it is amazing how little of our purchases are really necessary.</p>
<p>Eb, it might be that you can’t do anything more than what you are already doing to alleviate your H’s stress levels at home. IMO a person needs to figure out for himself or herself the way to deal with various kinds of stresses in productive ways. I don’t think you can do that for your H–you can offer suggestions for ways to relive stress or take some stresses away, but ultimately I think if you’re supportive and understanding and willing to handle some of the kinds of issues/tasks/people that would annoy him and cause unnecessary stress, then you’re doing a good job. My H and I have been married for almost 30 years and he’s changed careers twice, so I do have empathy for the situation you’re describing.</p>
<p>Women and men do cope in different ways! Shopping, for me, doesn’t necessarily mean “spending.” I can browse for hours.</p>
<p>One thing I learned this week is how differently men show (or rather, don’t show) symptoms of depression, and how depression often accompanies a man’s job loss or retirement. Mayo Clinic’s site has an article on it, and I found several more during a google search. I had not realized that irritability and anger were depressive symptoms.</p>
<p>I’m surprised at how little discussion there is on CC about the economy. We own a small business and my H is about to tear out what little hair he has left. His business is drying up more and more each month, and we have no way to predict when it will come back. It has to turn around eventually as his business does a lot of safety-related work which is being put off, but it can’t be put off forever. We are currently not taking any salary.</p>
<p>Meanwhile we own two houses plus the building the business is in, plus multiple vehicles. It’s hard to know what to do. And the office manager was just diagnosed with cancer. </p>
<p>I definitely see the irritability and anger in my H. Very hard to live with.</p>
<p>bookiemom, I am surprised about that too. I think it is a sensitive subject and people are reluctant to put too much out on the internet. I can certainly relate to your situation…hang in there.<br>
For us it also coincided with the empty nest and DH is still very busy with work but my part of it is very slow. And yes, Cangel, with fewer employees it isn’t that we are missing a buffer as much as that I am often in the office alone all day while DH and the other employees we still have are working in the field. Then I am alone at home so it is a bit of a shift for me.<br>
I am making an effort to connect with my good gfs, book club, etc. and I definitely don’t sit home feeling sorry for myself. And I am definitely not a shopper…</p>
<p>Talking about financial affairs has ALWAYS stressed my H out. He never thought we were investing enough, saving enough or paying off bills fast enough. Oddly enough, after talking to a financial planner as part of his severance package, he has calmed down more than I have ever seen in two decades of marriage. </p>
<p>I think he finally realizes how out of control he is, when all along he thought he had it figured out. It is unbelievably stressful living on savings and not knowing how long that “rainy day fund” will hold out. </p>
<p>I think that when he is fully employed again, he will never see us as being financially secure, and will always worry about a job loss. But hopefully, he will realize that even if you do everything “right”, job loss can still happen, and financial insecurity may be the new reality. </p>
<p>I just wanted to thank the men who responded to this thread. I recognized myself as one of those wives who has complained about their husbands putting in long hours. It’s good to hear the other side’s perspective. And I hope that those of you struggling through this economy see things get better soon.</p>
<p>Also a thanks for the guys! I really was looking for a different perspective and some other insight and I think this thread was helpful for others too!</p>