Managing Controlling Parents

Parent Cafe
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<p>My older D’s friend was absolutely not making any of it up. D is still in touch with her and she has been living on her own now and paying her own way since the “escape”. I don’t understand why you don’t think the OP’s story makes sense. In some cultures girls are less than males, period. They have little say in anything that happens in their lives, even after they reach the age of majority. D’s friend’s parents tried to keep her from even speaking to Americanized kids by putting her in a religious school, but it closed down before she could finish and she returned to public school. But she had to go straight home and was not allowed to contact anyone outside of the family’s approved list. It wasn’t always that way but as their D became less interested in following their customs they got more and more strict.</p>

<p>If you don’t know anyone who’s lived like this, it might seem far-fetched, but it isn’t. It’s not even uncommon. It’s easy to think that these girls should just follow the rules. I don’t think young women SHOULD be forced into arranged marriages, to give up a potential career, to have to live like they’re in lockdown just because mom and dad say so, especially once they’re of legal age. We’re not talking no movies or new car-we’re talking control of every waking moment of these girls’ lives. Maybe that’s ok with you.</p>

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<p>What’s okay with me is a parent deciding not to pay fpr college for whatever reason they choose. Cultural. Financial. Or otherwise. Parent-funded college is a gift not a right and there are plenty of people enrolled in local CC’s all across the country who did not receive this gift for various reasons. And, there are lots of kids who leave home at 18 and get married or get jobs for those reasons, too. So what? It sounds as though your D’s friends parents were not liking her choices. If she expects them to pay her bills then that is often part of the deal. </p>

<p>Of course, I don’t think girls should be forced into arranged marriages but there was nothing about that in the OP’s post. And I don’t even know what giving up a potential career is at age 18 since most of them cannot even choose a major. If they are of legal age they are free to escape. A fully funded escape is probably not really realistic, though.</p>

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<p>Given that there are immigrants in the United States who send their daughters back to their home countries to be “circumcised” (a misnomer if there ever were one), it shouldn’t surprise anyone that there are parents who would treat their daughters exactly as the OP describes.</p>

<p>The parents here sound verbally abusive and generally awful. However, until the daughter decides to get out of that situation and manages to do so, she is stuck with following her parents’ orders so she can have money for college. The government shouldn’t be involved unless she alleges that she has been battered or, after she turns 18, is being held against her will. If so, it would be a criminal, not a financial, matter.</p>

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<p>Probably because such tightly controlled students are either home schooled, or sent to religious schools of their religion, rather than being sent to public or non-religious private schools.</p>

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Well, now, OP, I am curious…what religion is the girl’s parents? And is the girl also of this religion?</p>

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<p>My own religious views affected what I let my children do while they were in high school, so I don’t find it hard to believe that people with more extreme religious views might impose more extreme restrictions. They can do that as long as they don’t violate the law. But attempting to enforce those restrictions long-term while living in a pluralistic society like the United States is difficult, and risky. I’ve got to think that many kids will eventually rebel and refuse the arranged marriage, etc.</p>

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<p>And, OP, what is your relationship to the girl?</p>

<p>It occurs to me that the parents may be lying when they tell her she can attend the chosen college for one semester. They may be afraid that if they tell her “no” now, she will bolt. </p>

<p>As others have suggested, if this truly is unbearable for her, she can become emancipated, move out, get a job, and perhaps go to community college at night. If she is as good a student as you say, she will thrive and find many opportunities by going that route.</p>

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<p>OP - I’m so sorry about your friend’s situation. Does she have any sympathetic relatives she can move in with? I doubt it’s likely but it would be worth a try. It will be hard for her to leave her family entirely and support herself as a full time college student - but it CAN be done and the reward of being independent will be well worth it. </p>

<p>One problem is that colleges will take her parents income into account until she is 24 years old. And if they don’t want her to go to college, they can not cooperate with her in submitting financial information. She can appeal to her school, but it would be a lengthy and difficult process. I’m not sure how easy it would for her to become legally emancipated either. She would need to be 24, or married, or have a child, or have been in the military, to normally have her finances considered alone (and not her parents). </p>

<p>She could try to work hard, save money, appeal to her school, and aim for a school that really wants her and will give her lots of merit money. Not easy, but possible. It sounds like the parents won’t even let her out of the house to find a job, will they? She may have to take out loans and start working once she gets away to school. If she takes out lots of federal student loans, any balance on them is forgiven after you work for the federal government for 10 years (or so I heard from a friend). </p>

<p>She is close to leaving for college so they are desperate and fearful and are trying their best to tighten the knot. She should reassure them and do her best to make them relax, but make her plans on the side and be very, very careful. </p>

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<p>“Yeah, I don’t know too many high school students who are not allowed to speak to anyone of a different religion.”</p>

<p>There are some neighbors down the street. I’m not sure exactly which religion they are however I believe they are muslim. When they first moved in I tried to talk to the husband and wife… the husband shook his head at me and basically in a few words told me as a woman wasn’t allowed to talk to them…</p>

<p>on a good note other than that they haven’t caused any problems.</p>

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<p>LOL. My comment was about high school students who attend high school. Of course, there are religious extremists who are probably not sending their kids to high school where they will complain to other parents about their situation. I still think the OP’s post is of questionable credibility. But, whatever. </p>

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<p>@CTTC “…what religion is the girl’s parents?”</p>

<p>I don’t want to identify the religious group, because some people’s comments/views tend to change dramatically depending on whether the family is a conservative version of their own religion or a conservative family is a different religion. All 3 Abrahamic religions have this behavior from some conservative adherents.</p>

<p>@CTTC “And is the girl also of this religion?”</p>

<p>I think that she is at least nominally. I am sure she answers yes to that question. She can not say anything else. She was part of a large friend group before this lockdown started including Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddists and Atheists. There may be more religions in the group, but those are the ones that I am aware of. Our school system is very religiously eclectic. I have always thought it is great that the kids learn early on that each religion has its share of good people and bad people. </p>

<p>@Veryhappy “It occurs to me that the parents may be lying when they tell her she can attend the chosen college for one semester. They may be afraid that if they tell her “no” now, she will bolt.”</p>

<p>That is possible, but college bills are already coming due this month, so they will not be able to keep that approach up for long. I imagine that lying will only make the situation worse in the end. </p>

<p>@UCBalumnus “Probably because such tightly controlled students are either home schooled, or sent to religious schools of their religion, rather than being sent to public or non-religious private schools.”</p>

<p>Yes. My experience is that people who have not been exposed to religious conservatives of any religion do not understand what they are capable of. In all of its manifestations, they really believe that they are God’s chosen people and that this is what God wants them to do. That is why otherwise good people sometimes to terrible things.</p>

<p>Additional Information
Her Dad was just hospitalized unexpectedly this week, and it looks like he will be okay. I am hoping that that may pull them more together as a family and maybe the parents will allow her to stay at her planned college. Fingers crossed. I think the one thing that I fear is the parents trying to take her back to their “Home country.” </p>

<p>I think that, If I were her, I would comply with what is required for as long as she does not believe that she is in physical danger, but I would not leave the United States with my parents for any reason. </p>

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<p>Very conflicting for the young woman. She can love her family and doesn’t want to be alienated from them. She is caught in a culture clash. In our current town I see many immigrant conservative Muslims and it drives me crazy to see the husbands/fathers in stores wearing short sleeves, bare heads et al while their young wives are covered up except for hands, feet and faces in this hot climate. It doesn’t make sense to me- or less conservative members of the same general religion. Consider your own family- everyone takes for granted some things they were brought up with even if the mainstream finds no logic in it- this applies to all religions, even if mainstream with thousands of years of traditions.</p>

<p>Religion is a very powerful force. Consider your own beliefs. Consider the efforts you went to to inculcate/brainwash your kids with the mythology. You had to start when they were young. Consider the human desire to be part of a group, including an extended family. In the case of covering up in a society where the men get an eyeful in public consider the aura of feeling special because of belonging to an elite group (those who believe as you do). </p>

<p>So much psychology and sociology involved. </p>

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<p>It’s also not only an issue for immigrants or Muslims. There are also plenty of homegrown fundamentalist Christians in the US who have had similar practices regarding controlling female family members and their educational access. </p>

<p>FLDS, fundie baptist/evangelicals, and more are some homegrown examples off the top of my head. </p>

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<p>I live in NYC and I know people like this. It’s really not that unusual. </p>

<p>One thing to remember–the males are also pressured into arranged marriages. Sometimes, the marriages work quite well. </p>

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<p>Op,
In many countries, women are the property of their family until they get married. Then they become property of their husband. I would hazard a guess to say at least this girl has more freedom and rights within her family than if she was raised in her native country. As a silver lining, she’s lucky that her parents immigrated to the US or she may have never experienced this level of freedom in her country. Things are relative.</p>

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<p>^^ And this “respect” for property under the guise of religious tolerance applies to western countries as well, which step back in terms of punishment because of religious freedom. When living in France, I will never forget the first time I saw a man from a non-western country literally hit his wife and daughter in the streets. Even gave his wife a true swift kick in the butt. My initial reaction was to get up and do something. That was until it hit me that not one other man or woman moved a muscle or said a word. The French just ignored and went about their business and conversation. It was then I realized that was the norm and expected. Saw that a few times throughout Europe (in Germany and Holland, for example) and no one even tried to assist the women, not even policeman.</p>

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<p>Silver linings, “it’s all relative”, guys have problems too…what planet are you all on? Just gotta say that I’m sure you would change your opinion pretty fast if this was you in this situation.</p>

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How is this any worse than what poor kids face? This girl still has viable options. </p>

<p>Several of my extended family members who grew up in a poor family, enlisted in the military, then went on to college and successful professional careers.</p>

<p>If this girl wants continued financial support from her high maintenance parents when she reaches the age of majority, then she needs to suck it up…</p>

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<p>Sounds odd for France, since it does appear that France has made laws to disallow people from wearing clothing signifying their religious beliefs in some public situations – i.e. more of an anti-religious stance (at least in public situations) than a stance of religious freedom.</p>

<p>The other thing odd about France is that it seems to be hard to find a law where simple assault, battery, or violence is illegal (when it does not cause death or temporary or permanent disability).
<a href=“http://www.legifrance.gouv.fr/Traductions/en-English/Legifrance-translations”>http://www.legifrance.gouv.fr/Traductions/en-English/Legifrance-translations&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.legifrance.gouv.fr/content/download/1957/13715/version/4/file/Code_33.pdf”>http://www.legifrance.gouv.fr/content/download/1957/13715/version/4/file/Code_33.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I feel for the girl. She has no right to support beyond age eighteen and no right to have her college paid for. She could leave home and get a job, maybe live with a group to make it cheaper. She could join the army, a time honored way to break from a bad family situation. Striking out on her own will rupture her relationship with her family, so she would have to go into that choice with her eyes open. But young people do that all the time. Historically they have traveled to new countries and not looked back. </p>