Managing Controlling Parents

Parent Cafe
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<p>Typically when I see a high school seniors dealing with controlling parents, I tell them to keep their mouth shut, do not argue, and you will be off to college in a couple months, and controlling your own life. A recent situation I have observed is more troubling. </p>

<p>The parents are religiously very conservative and recently discovered that their HS graduate 18 year old daughter has talked to some boys (not a euphemism), and has made some girl friends at school who are not part of their religious group. The parents are now keeping her at home 24/7, she can only go out with in-group friends, they are slut shaming her for having talked to boys, using standard brain-washing control techniques generally, and saying they will allow her to go to college in the fall, but after she completes her first semester, they expect her to move back home and go to a local religious college, so they can maintain total control 24/7.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the parents have a lot of money. so I do not see what this young woman can do other than be quiet, agree, and continue to go to school. </p>

<p>What is your best advice to person in this woman’s situation?</p>

<p>I understand that she can technically walk away but with no money and no college education, that would be a disastrous outcome.</p>

<p>I am glad we live in a free country, but I am also asking myself a few questions about this situation. Why does a young woman in this situation seem to have almost no rights at all? Is it reasonable that to get an education, this person has to be subjected to being treated like a piece of property for years? Why is it that it usually girls/women who are subjected to this type of situation? If parents are forcing an adult daughter to behave a certain way in order to get money for education, how is that different than an employee/employer relationship? If the parents actions have essentially made their daughter an employee, then shouldn’t the daughter be extended the rights that employees have? Certainly it is reasonable for parents who are paying for college to expect certain behaviors from their children; however, perhaps there should be limits?</p>

<p>I don’t have all of the answers, but it seems that in most other situations a rich person does not usually have the right to demand to control and monitor the actions of a poor person 24/7 in exchange for a financial benefit. A rationale of, “they can leave if they want to” is not considered adequate. Why do we as a society allow it in a situation like this one?</p>

<p>At the other extreme, we can say that the government should simply not involve itself with family situations at all. It is not the government’s role. But if a woman in this situation then just takes the money she needs for school from her parents, or kills her father for threatening her at home, then according to this philosophy, that would be fine too. That can’t be good either.</p>

<p>In the end, I don’t really know what I think about all of this except that I find it very troubling. What are your thoughts?</p>

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<p>Well, first I think it sounds like a made up extreme scenario for discussion purposes which is fine I guess. The simple fact is no-one is owed college so the girl will have to comply with the parents wishes if she wants their financial support. However, life is not usually as black and white as this scenario suggests so I’m not entirely sure it’s really worth discussing. And, no-one can ever know what’s really going on in a family and there will always be two sides. If a kid is out of control and the parents don’t think she’s ready for school that is their choice, of course. The girl has rights, but as an adult she does not have the right to four years of financing. However, she does have the right to go off and be an adult if that’s what she wants. Good luck. </p>

<p>Also, why would they want her to go to college for one semester and then return home? As a plan, that doesn’t make any sense.</p>

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<p>My parents weren’t hyper-religious and I was allowed to talk to boys, but they were very controlling just the same. All I learned from it was extreme sneakiness and super passive agression. The parents can try all they want to control her, but this young lady will find ways to rebel and in the long run, they won’t be doing themselves any favors. </p>

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<p>If I were in that situation (granted I had very good grades/scores in high school, so I know this option would not be available to everyone), I would apply to any and all schools (even very, very low-ranked ones) where I had a shot at substantial money. If I were lucky enough to get in somewhere where the money from the school, plus loans that I could take out on my own, plus summer/school-time work would cover everything, I would just leave and go to that school. I would leave a letter, but I would not give advance notice of what I was doing, if the situation is as bad as you describe. </p>

<p>Honestly (and this is me personally), I would rather even leave and work a minimum wage job (and I do have experience working a minimal wage job, so I know what I would be getting into) and wait until I were 24, than live like that. But again, that’s just me. I would consider joining the military as well, or any legitimate program for that matter where food and shelter would be covered. In other words, I would just try to get away. Independence to me trumps a lot of other things. I wouldn’t do anything illegal or against my values, but other than that, I would give up most anything to be free.</p>

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<p>There is a contradiction in there …</p>

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<p>@Flossy Regarding “Also, why would they want her to go to college for one semester and then return home? As a plan, that doesn’t make any sense.”</p>

<p>I don’t think it makes any sense either, but I did not want to ask that question directly. Very odd.</p>

<p>@Flossy “And, no-one can ever know what’s really going on in a family and there will always be two sides.”</p>

<p>I don’t want to discuss too many specifics, so let’s just assume for discussion purposes that the facts are known. I can only say that there is less supposition here than you might think.</p>

<p>“If a kid is out of control and the parents don’t think she’s ready for school that is their choice, of course.”</p>

<p>This young lady is not out of control by any normal standard. She is also a very good student. She is probably not a top 20 college student, but definitely a top 40 college student. </p>

<p>@Flossy “The girl has rights, but as an adult she does not have the right to four years of financing. However, she does have the right to go off and be an adult if that’s what she wants.”</p>

<p>True except that if she were older, she would be able to get government assistance to do that. If she were fully treated as “an adult”, she would be able to move out and get aid to attend. </p>

<p>If it is fair to treat someone that way in our society, then why don’t we treat our elderly that way? Why don’t we say that old people can not receive government assistance if their children make money. Additionally, if the child demands that in return for their housing and food the parents must participate in the child’s religion that is their choice, they are free to go homeless and hungry if they do not like it. That does not seem right to me, but at least it would be consistent with how we treat 18 year olds.</p>

<p>I am hoping that cooler heads will prevail, things will settle down, and that much of this is just stupid stuff people say when they are angry. We will see.</p>

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<p>She has rights. She just doesn’t have a right to free parent-funded college. Government assistance for the elderly doesn’t have much to do with this situation since they are not usually asking for college money. I suppose she could get emancipated if things are really that bad and your point is about the weird grey area between 18 and 24.These situations don’t usually just develop at college time either. Chances are the girl has been dealing with controlling parents for her entire life and has learned how much sneaking and manipulating she can get away with. Mostly, I just don’t think parents want control for control’s sake and are out to ruin the lives of their children so the scenario described sounds unlikely at best. Also, the first sentence in the OP’s post is odd. In other words. Why is anyone advising high school girls on how to handle their parents? The chances that anyone else has all the facts are really pretty slim and teenagers tend to have a pretty self-centered version of the events they are complaining about. That’s just a stage of development. And. yeah, people do say a whole lot of stupid stuff that they don’t mean when they are angry. </p>

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<p>“Mostly, I just don’t think parents want control for control’s sake and are out to ruin the lives of their children so the scenario described sounds unlikely at best.”</p>

<p>I hear people on this forum say that a lot, and I think that’s because of lack of experience with anything else. I grew up around a lot of immigrants from all sorts of different countries (Asian, African, etc. - Muslim, Christian, etc.). Parents can be and are EXTREMELY controlling (ESPECIALY of girls) in a lot of cutures. And no, it’s not the child’s fault. In fact, even within the same families, there is a huge double-standard when it comes to girls. As I mentioned, I was a very good student, and I was friends with a similar crowd. Literally no one was a trouble maker. All these kids I am talking about were good students (mostly knew them from class), did not do drugs or even drink (some, including myself, still don’t, even into adulthood). And yet, some of them still had pretty controlling parents.</p>

<p>There are controlling people in all cultures. But even apart from that, outside the U.S., even in relatively developed countries, women are often restricted for NO good reason. And parents do that too. Parents are just people, and they don’t magically just do the right thing.</p>

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<p>So, what do you want? Government funded college for all 18-year old girls with controlling parents? BTW, I don’t think parents magically always do the right thing at all. I do think there is often a difficult transition period to adulthood that happens in many families and sometimes it takes compromises on both sides to achieve the best possible outcome. You all do realize that there are many families who did not save anything for college or don’t want to or can’t pay for whatever reason, right? These kids all find scholarships, attend CC’s, or get jobs and figure it out later. </p>

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<p>My thoughts are, if she is a top 40 student, she is a full-ride at a lower tier college student. There are several full rides (books and food and everything) here on the auto-scholarship list. So if the parents are that controlling and the girl wants to do her own thing that badly, there are those options. </p>

<p>I am also confused by the “go away and come back after a semester” idea.</p>

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<p>acollegestudent-exactly! Both my older D and my current HS student have/had friends who came from such families. As girls they simply had fewer rights as far as their parents are concerned and the legal age of majority means little or nothing to them. And to make matters worse, defying your parents is about the worst thing a kid can do-if you’re a girl. Boys get much more leeway. </p>

<p>The most extreme case I know of was the parents “allowing” their D to go to college and suggesting a visit back in the home country before college began. Once there, the girl’s passport was taken away (along with her similar aged sister’s) and she was essentially under house arrest. She tried leaving to get to the American embassy twice but was caught both times. In the end she agreed to be married off but only if she could pick the husband. She chose a “progressive” one who “allowed” her to come back to the US and go to college. She lost her scholarship and will take many more than 4 years to get her degree but she will no longer have to live under her parents’ homeland style rules and can help others like her once they are here.</p>

<p>My younger D has a 15 yo friend who was born and raised in this country but whose parents have a husband in her home country all picked out for her. While education is very important to these people, the girl has never been allowed to socialize with any of her classmates anywhere for anything.She is trying to talk to her parents about the arranged marriage but so far has only gotten a non-committal “we’ll see”. She has been told they will send her back at the first sign of misbehavior.</p>

<p>Flossy, this stuff is real, even among educated, wealth parents. I have no doubt that in the family OP writes about they’ve done what OP says. And they probably told her she can go to college in the fall but are already looking at ways to get their money back and not send her. </p>

<p>I really feel for girls like this because sometimes there is more at stake than education. Some marry very young so they can leave home and then get job training. They prefer that over a 4-year degree and repression. Other suck it up and leave after their degree. Others never break away and the cycle continues.</p>

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<p>There are religious groups in the US who don’t want any of their kids to go to college–or even to high school, for that matter. This is a difficult situation for the young woman, who will ultimately have to decide whether to pull away from her family. It’s about a lot more than money for college.</p>

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<p>“Flossy, this stuff is real, even among educated, wealth parents. I have no doubt that in the family OP writes about they’ve done what OP says.”</p>

<p>I don’t doubt that it is sometimes real, but the only kid my D knew in high school who told this story about parental pressure to marry or leave the country and insisted on sneaking out of the house in unapproved clothing, etc, was a pathological attention-seeking liar since 1st grade who is now away at college so admittedly that may be influencing my opinion here. I still don’t know what anyone wants to do about a parent making some rules to go along with their financial support whether the kid likes all the rules or not. That is allowed and it’s not even all that unusual.</p>

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<p>I’m trying to get a feel on what this thread was really made for…</p>

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<p>Why controversy, of course! ~X( </p>

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<p>“Typically when I see a high school seniors dealing with controlling parents, I tell them to keep their mouth shut, do not argue, and you will be off to college in a couple months, and controlling your own life”</p>

<p>LOL. Typically, I mind my own business. Good grief. Methodone thread. STAT.</p>

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<p>@acollegestudent “I hear people on this forum say that a lot, and I think that’s because of lack of experience with anything else.”</p>

<p>Yes. Most people compare things to their experience. If it does not happen in their home, they think it does not happen. And you are correct in assuming that the parents were not born in the US, but the daughter was either born here or came as a small child.</p>

<p>@Niquii77 “I’m trying to get a feel on what this thread was really made for…”</p>

<p>Well, i don’t really have an objective, except trying to think through how I think about the situation, and considering whether there is any helpful advice to give if the situation does not get ironed out, which I am hoping.</p>

<p>@Flossy “Why is anyone advising high school girls on how to handle their parents?”
Well, first, it isn’t just girls. Second,18 year olds can be emotional, and more often than not, are making a big deal out of something relatively minor. I suggest that they calm down, compose themselves, and at all cost, keep their mouth shut when they get home, do not say anything negative back to your parents. It is a losing battle at 18. Be quiet and go off to college in the fall. Don’t risk that by running your mouth.</p>

<p>@Flossy “I still don’t know what anyone wants to do about a parent making some rules to go along with their financial support whether the kid likes all the rules or not. That is allowed and it’s not even all that unusual.”</p>

<p>Well, you try to reframe it as “parents making rules to go with financial support” which I will admit seems innocuous in its generic phrasing. That sounds fine in general and if it is not you, in particular. However, I suspect that if someone had to power to take away everything that you have unless you followed their random beliefs 24/7, and you were not even supposed to speak to people who did not follow the same random beliefs, then I think you might view it differently.</p>

<p>The thing that troubles me most in general is that it is the same people who talk about the importance of being allowed to practice religion freely and openly, who are then so quick to deprive their child of the freedom to even speak to someone who is not part of their religion. That seems very hypocritical.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I don’t know too many high school students who are not allowed to speak to anyone of a different religion. How ever do they survive day to day living? And, why are they talking to you? They might get in trouble. </p>

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<p>Yeah, I’m not buying this whole scenario. None of it makes sense.</p>

<p>An 18 year old who wants funds for college needs to follow the rules of her parents. Should she decide those rules are too onerous, she is free to not go to college and move out.</p>

<p>I suspect some of this story is highly exaggerated. </p>

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<p>It could be true. There are all kinds of crazy people in the world, nothing surprises me anymore. And they may have already paid for the first semester, so they are letting her go. </p>