Many Teens Ignoring Parents' Facebook Friend Requests

Parents Forum
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<p>So you check your kids private messages, facebook posts, tags, friend list (to compare to old list from yesterday), notifications, request, invitations, friends’ comments and conversations, friends’ photos, several times a day? Seriously? </p>

<p>I know I look like I have a lot of time on my hands, lol (seeing all my posts above!) but seriously, there is no way I can imagine a parent having this kind of time to monitor.</p>

<p>Apparently, according to some posters, your kids comments are saved for eternity and anyone can google them. Lol. Well if that were true, how exactly is your kid safe after you read about that scathing faux pas they wrote on someone’s wall that anyone can read? Sorta late, isn’t it? Or do they have to run by all their planned actions first?</p>

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<p>I teach 8th Graders in an afterschool program on Current Events. One week I used a FB vote in progress as the “current event” to kick off the classroom discussion. The 8th Graders were impressed, “YOU use Facebook?” A few asked if they could friend me. I said, “Sure, invite me and I’ll friend you back. But – you’d better not write anything embarassing on my Wall because my Mom reads my wall.”</p>

<p>Breath was sucked in all over the room! “YOUR MOM does Facebook, too? How old is SHE?!” I didn’t have the heart to tell them she’s 83.</p>

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<p>Yes, I check my kids’ FB everyday when I check my own. My one kid still at home is not allowed on FB on school nights, so he doesn’t usually have much activity to look at. I and his Dad have caught inappropriate comments posted by his friends during the week which we told him about and he removed.</p>

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<p>I don’t care to know about the stuff that is not public like private messages, requests, etc. My concern is what they post on their page which could come back to bite them or is not appropriate information to dispense.</p>

<p>For instance, a friend of ours was recently ill. DS posted a very nice message to her in his status to which mutual friends inquired what was wrong and he posted her diagnosis in response. I asked him to remove the latter. The initial message was quite sweet and most appropriate but the revealing of the diagnosis should be left to her and her family. He agreed and quickly removed the information. Nothing sinister or unseemly. Just a kid doing something sweet which turned into something else quite by accident. It was about respecting HER privacy.</p>

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<p>“My general sense is most of these fearful parents have never actually gotten used to FB. You sound pretty scared. I’m not sure why you let your kids use it.”</p>

<p>I am not fearful precisely because I monitored my daughter’s usage when she was a young teen, a time when kids are prone to making errors in judgement. I don’t worry about her at all now because I know that she was given the guidance she needed when she was younger. And I have been on facebook for 5 years or more, I am quite used to it. I keep up with changes and adjust my privacy settings, and advise my daughter to do the same, with each new assault, such as Instant personalization.</p>

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<p>This sort of thing will be the death of facebook. Nevermind why you would let your kid use facebook if its so dangerous, what kid wants to be on facebook if their parents look over their shoulder the whole time?</p>

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<p>I’ve been on FB for almost three years. My kids a bit longer. FB is one more thing you can help guide your kid in using or not. Just like the cell phone or the car. All are not without some risk. My kids had FB as younger teenagers so now that they are older it’s no big deal to them that I am there. I am friends with many of their friends. It’s a hoot to get a friend request from a 14 year old boy that I barely know but I get them.</p>

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<p>The death of FB will be it’s founder and spam. Not parents.</p>

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<p><<i don’t=“” care=“” to=“” know=“” about=“” the=“” stuff=“” that=“” is=“” not=“” public=“” like=“” private=“” messages,=“” requests,=“” etc.=“” my=“” concern=“” what=“” they=“” post=“” on=“” their=“” page=“” which=“” could=“” come=“” back=“” bite=“” them=“” or=“” appropriate=“” information=“” dispense.=“”>></i></p><i don’t=“” care=“” to=“” know=“” about=“” the=“” stuff=“” that=“” is=“” not=“” public=“” like=“” private=“” messages,=“” requests,=“” etc.=“” my=“” concern=“” what=“” they=“” post=“” on=“” their=“” page=“” which=“” could=“” come=“” back=“” bite=“” them=“” or=“” appropriate=“” information=“” dispense.=“”>

<p>Ditto. And since my younger son and I are not “friends” - I have my brother to make sure that what is posted is appropriate. A simple comment from him was all that was needed to get DS#2 to remove a post with a certain 4-letter word.</p>
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<p>As a child whose parents are on Facebook, I feel I can offer a different perspective on the issue.</p>

<p>I’ve had a Facebook account for years; my parents, on the other hand, set up their profiles fairly recently, at the urging of friends and colleagues. Both of them, especially my father, are uncomfortable with the idea of putting their private lives on display (even though their private lives are pretty boring), so their profiles are more or less empty. In fact, when I tried to list them as my parents, they both rejected my requests–because they didn’t think the world needed to know I was their child! I would’ve been insulted if I didn’t know my parents’ stance on privacy. As it is, I’m surprised they accepted my friend requests at all.</p>

<p>(By the way, my own profile is now empty too. My parents’ paranoia has apparently gotten to me because a few months ago, I set everything to maximum privacy, untagged myself from every picture I was tagged in, and removed all personal information from my info page. Which was a bit ridiculous, but actually made me feel really good.)</p>

<p>Even though they know they can look at my profile at any time, they never do; they accept the fact that my friends and I like to talk about things they don’t understand and/or care about, and aren’t particularly interested in our interactions. The only people I have a privacy filter for are my high-school teachers, most of whom are pretty active on Facebook. My parents, on the other hand, use it rarely and don’t really care about reading my private conversations anyway, so there’s no point in hiding things from them. (Not that I post anything incriminating on my profile; I just don’t think my teachers need to be made aware of every exchange between me and my friends.)</p>

<p>So, because my own parents have never taken any special interest in my presence on Facebook, I was a little taken aback by the extent to which some parents in this thread seem to be involved in their children’s private lives. The idea of giving my parents my Facebook password or having them tell me when I can or can’t use it just doesn’t compute for me.</p>

<p>Don’t get me wrong–whatever works for your family is fine, that’s none of my business. All I’m saying is that my parents have never restricted or monitored my access to Facebook; I’d like to think that’s because they respect my right to maintain some personal boundaries, but it’s probably because they simply can’t be bothered to stalk me online, to be honest. I’ve been trying to get my father to accept my uncle’s friend request for several days, but he refuses to even log on; that’s how much he dislikes Facebook.</p>

<p>So, anyway. I don’t know if I contributed to the conversation in any meaningful way, but for what it’s worth, I’m a teenager who’s actually slightly put off by how disinterested my parents are in my Facebook activity :D</p>

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<p>That is because you think of FB as your “private” life, while many of us think of FB as a “public” life, which it is once you have more than a handful of “friends” who can access your postings.</p>

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<p>Yeah, it is true that Facebook is an exercise in exhibitionism by design; however, there are ways to make your profile truly “private” and regulate people’s access to it. You just have to spend a lot of time tinkering with the privacy settings (and not accept random people’s friend requests).</p>

<p>Ultimately, the only entity you can’t hide from is Facebook itself, but recently the company has been pressured into making some progress in that regard as well.</p>

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<p>I didn’t friend parents, teachers, or other authority figures for a while, but I finally realized that I wasn’t going to post anything on Facebook that could be found and used against me (photos of illegal activities, political opinions, etc), so I finally friended my mom and some teachers from high school I knew well (after I graduated). I told her not to write on my wall but that she could message me, which has worked well thus far.</p>

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<p><<i told=“” her=“” not=“” to=“” write=“” on=“” my=“” wall=“” but=“” that=“” she=“” could=“” message=“” me,=“” which=“” has=“” worked=“” well=“” thus=“” far.=“”>></i></p><i told=“” her=“” not=“” to=“” write=“” on=“” my=“” wall=“” but=“” that=“” she=“” could=“” message=“” me,=“” which=“” has=“” worked=“” well=“” thus=“” far.=“”>

<p>LOL!!! That is the philosophy I follow - and I think it works best!</p>
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<p>Teaching a high school kid about how to use the internet, about the “facts” of cyberspace is not overly fearful, it is simply common sense.</p>

<p>If you had lived in the country until your kid was 15, you wouldn’t have just sent them out to use the bus in a new city by themselves. You just wouldn’t have, or you are simply a complete idiot. You would show them how to use the public transportation, how to use the maps, etc…</p>

<p>When my 18 (now 20 yo) left for college, I didn’t go with her, or teach her how to use the trains or buses in the city she is in. She’s been fine. However, we hadn’t lived in the country. She is intelligent enough to know what is safe and what is not safe. She has experience. </p>

<p>The internet is a world, and it needs to be understood. Educate your kids or do not. I will educate mine. I don’t actually care very much what you do in your own house, and I don’t know why YOU care what I do in mine, frankly. It’s silly.</p>

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<p>A fun and revealing graphic on facebook usage that I saw recently on a blog: [Signs</a> Of A Growing Facebook Obsession](<a href=“Signs Of A Growing Facebook Obsession”>Signs Of A Growing Facebook Obsession)</p>

<p>Did you know that almost 1 in every 13 people on the PLANET are on Facebook? or that 28% of 18-34 year olds check facebook on their smartphones before getting out of bed? Not really useful, but kind of fun stuff to see. Or scary stuff, depending on your perspective. </p>

<p>I enjoy being friends with my parents on Facebook, though it didn’t happen until after I was nearly out of college (I am “old” enough to remember when only college students, and only from certain colleges, could even join Facebook). My mom likes to use it to post photos and stay in touch with distant relatives, my dad just enjoys feeling up to date, and since neither of my parents are on it that much, it doesn’t bother me. It’s just not as integrated into their lives as it is into mine, so I don’t find it bothersome to be connected to them there. They might check facebook once a day, I’m one of that 28% that check it almost as soon as I wake up (though that also helps me procrastinate the getting out of bed part of the morning). Also, I think it’s a good reminder to ME about what to post on my page, and helps me remember to be vigilant about privacy settings/photos others put up of me, etc. It’s easy to forget that future employers, etc. could be looking at your facebook, but when your PARENTS are on, trust me, you think twice before hitting post.</p>

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<p>Slightly off-topic, but the subject of facebook came up for us today. D told me that she’s deleting her FB. She said that it’s too distracting and is sucking up too much of her time now that she’s starting what promises to be a heavy academic semester. She also said that “nothing important ever happens on facebook anyway” and that her friends know her phone number and email address if they need to get in touch. </p>

<p>She didn’t say so, but I also sense that she feels FB is keeping her tied to the past. She’s re-entering college after an emotionally difficult freshman year and a semester off, and seems really committed to making it work this time. She has several friends back home who are quite non-supportive (“disliking” anything positive she has to say about college, for example, or begging her to come back home). I’m glad that she’s chosen to eliminate that negative energy.</p>

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<p>I let my kids friend me when they were ready. Literally everyone in my family is on fb…even my 80 year old mother ! I was shocked and amused when I received a friend request from her a few months ago , since she isn’t very savvy about the laptop.
All of my kids friended her as well . She really loves seeing all of the pictures of her children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren.
I created a group from our childhood neighborhood ,since many of us " kids ’ are friends on fb. I posted several old pictures I had and it has been a lot of fun for us all.
It can be a great way to keep in touch</p>

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<p>Nice to know I’m not the only one!</p>

<p>Funny thing is, my D friends everyone else in the extended family (grandparents, uncles, aunts), but not her parents. She probably knows that the other family members wouldn’t stalk her as much as her parents would. </p>

<p>She’s probably right about that :)</p>

<p>She’s probably doing me a favor by not friend’ing me. I don’t need another place to go waste my time!</p>

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<p>My young adult niece friended me and H, but not her own mother, who was fine with that at the time. This changed when her mother called to tell us about her D’s recent engagement, and we said “We already know, from Cindy’s FB page.” I think mom was crushed about that.</p>