Married to a Workaholic?

<p>My husband is a major workaholic. We’ve been married 23 years and it seems to get progressively ‘worse’ the longer we have been married. He owns his own business (accounting, tax and finance) and often goes into the office 7 days a week. Not unusual for him to work until 11pm or later a few times a week. When he’s at home, pretty much all he talks about is work or the economy.Though when we’re socializing with others, he can converse about other topics. Because he is a solo practitioner, he relies on me heavily as his only confidante about issues with staff and clients. Fortunately, I have the background to understand most of what he’s saying though I have to admit I get tired of hearing about it. At home, he pretty much watches the news or Bloomberg non-stop or is working around the house. I can’t get him interested in other shows. </p>

<p>It occurred to me recently that he really ‘thrives’ on being super-busy and stressed. There is not a day that goes by when he doesn’t say he’s way behind at work. He has a large client base and does quite well financially. I’ve noticed over the years that at home he is very grumpy but when he calls me from work throughout the day, he seems almost happy. He does relax on vacation and we usually have a good time. </p>

<p>When we did martial counseling the psychologist said he was a classic perfectionist with OCD tendencies. He is so much a Type A that if he dropped dead from a heart attack tomorrow, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least (though he looks extremely fit for a man of 52 years. He doesn’t exercise, he’s just naturally thin).</p>

<p>I, on the other hand, am very much a Type B. I am very good about pacing myself and not taking on so much I feel stressed for extended periods of time but I get done what needs to be done in a timely manner. My favorite place to be is at home, puttering around, not doing much. Light cleaning, reading, surfing the internet are my activities of choice on a free Saturday (though I do get to the gym a few times a week).</p>

<p>So you can see, we are at nearly opposite ends of the spectrum. I’ve come to terms with it. Took me a long time to understand that you can’t change another person. Since I’m an introvert by nature, I really don’t mind spending so much time alone (empty nest). I work part-time in a professional job so I get lots of time around other people as well as a sense of accomplishment. I do feel guilty at times because he works so hard but I also know that it’s not about me, it’s what he would do regardless of who he was married to. Because I am so not a Type A, I have a hard time understanding why someone would operate that way (putting oneself under constant stress) but I’ve recently realized that he actually really loves the pressure though he claims not to (if that makes sense).</p>

<p>I’m really just curious if anyone else is in this boat? If so, how do you feel about it? Do you have any strategies that you use to encourage your spouse relax at home? Does living with a workaholic make you feel like a slacker?</p>

<p>MomLive…I share your story (only without the job). Do I feel like a slacker, no but much of the time I feel ignored and lonely. My H is very OCD with his hobbies…we had the best time when we were dating and now that I think back, I wonder if I was his “hobby”?</p>

<p>Last year we became empty nesters and I insisted that we take a class together. I gave him 3 choices and he selected stained glass. It was so fun and surprisingly he left work on time each week to attend the class. Then we would go out for a couple drinks and discuss what we had worked on/learned. </p>

<p>I try and make a big deal out of dinner. (which is usually around 9pm) By big deal, I mean set the table, light a candle and make a yummy soup/salad/french baguette meal. I get a nice half hour out of him before he slips back into that other guy…</p>

<p>Same story here, even down to owning his own business that I help him run (no other employees). Just substitute “engineering” for “accounting.” He missed a lot of our kids’ activities while they were growing up, and when he did go, he was miserable, thinking about the work he should be doing. He’s a wonderful husband, so I’ve just accepted that this is the way he is. I’m just like you, too! He doesn’t understand how I can be happy sitting, reading a book!</p>

<p>Would both of you be happy if you downsized your life? He may feel he is required to do a certain amount of billable work to keep the family lifestyle intact.</p>

<p>I would be happy living in a trailer but worked two/three jobs to afford certain family things. If I had my own business it would have been an 80-100 hour a week deal if not more if I needed to work that many hours to generate a certain income.</p>

<p>^ I wish it were that easy. I would do it in a heartbeat. The truth is being a workaholic has nothing to do with how much money one needs. It’s more of an anxiety disorder (took me years of counseling to see that). </p>

<p>This (from Wiki) describes my husband to a T:</p>

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<p>I’ve known H for 26 years and he has always worked more than anyone I know except his older brother who works as much. Now he has a full time job and also owns apartments with said brother. Most weekdays he comes home around 10:30 pm. On Saturdays he usually puts in 10 hours. Early in our marriage we made a rule that he could only “work” on Sunday if there were some extenuating emergency, so usually he takes Sunday off. </p>

<p>The constant absence used to bother me, but he can be difficult when he’s at home (always seems to want me to tackle some project or other, like every 10 minutes), so we got used to it and it’s ok. The kids have grown up this way. I have too many hobbies to manage, so I don’t get bored or anything while he is out.</p>

<p><a href=“always%20seems%20to%20want%20me%20to%20tackle%20some%20project%20or%20other,%20like%20every%2010%20minutes”>quote</a>,

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<p>Yes! Just like my DH.</p>

<p>Maybe said workaholics have not figured out what we human factors engineers have known for decades, that is, that productivity diminishes as more hours are worked, error rates go up, and so on. </p>

<p>My rule is simple - no unpaid overtime - ever. The Mrs on the other hand seems motivated to save the IT world from the Martians, so she normally puts 60 hours a week (tho working from home she can bake a cake during work hours :)). </p>

<p>The problem with workaholics is that they create expectations for the rest of us that are well beyond what we signed up for… I can see working a few extra hours in a crisis, but when the boss expects 60 hours a week for years, he/she better be aware of what he’s getting.</p>

<p>I don’t know. My husband might be a workaholic, but I’ve been too busy to notice. :p</p>

<p>Last month, I attended a webinar about managing risks at engineering firms. Two of the facts the speaker quoted were that the average engineer at successful firms works 50 hours a week, and the average principal of these firms works 57 hours a week (he didn’t define “successful,” which annoyed me). The work week was shorter for less successful firms. Someone asked, “So you’re saying we should pay engineers overtime?” and he said, “No! That’s part of their salary!” Sigh. My husband is doing for a Texas firm right now, and they are paying him time and a half for overtime hours! Since he’s putting in long hours inspecting houses damaged by hurricane Sandy, he’s doing OK (thank goodness, because work has been horribly slow lately).</p>

<p>He likes working, you like pottering around. As long as he doesn’t complain if you spend the money he doesn’t have time to enjoy, should be fine.</p>

<p>Mom3ToGo is not a workaholic but does work a lot … and, IMO, to some degree it limits our marriage and our relationship with our kids. The kids and I all know the deal and it is manageable. For me it is likely to become more problematic (disappointing?) when we become empty nesters and when we could retire. For fun awhile back I started my bucket list which is very long and part of why I could retire now … on the other hand Mom3ToGo has nothing new on her bucket list and right now does not see retirement anywhere on the horizon. There is nothing wrong with her viewpoint or position … however I find our wildly differing outlooks on our later years quite troubling and scary.</p>

<p>I thought I was reading about myself. minus the accounting ! My husband is a workaholic , always has been . he last few years has been because of the economy more so than because it is what he prefers to be doing. He goes into work early and usually stays late…then wen he comes home, he’s back at it.</p>

<p>We also own out own business and I work there too , but more so the seasonal end of it. I really want to scale back but again , due to the economy probably can’t realistically .
We have discussed selling part of our business , but difficult to find buyers in the economic climate we are in. Got so far as talking with a realtor , but the numbers he came up with were unrealistic …and it would make more sense and money to keep operating.
I really look forward to a calmer life while we can still enjoy it</p>

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<p>That pretty much describes the situation here. My husband tends to drive me crazy when he’s here…always wanting to rearrange the pantry or cabinets or, at the very least, the dishes in the dishwasher. I have come to really enjoy the solitude and never get bored. The thing that worries me the most now is what will happen when he retires? He talks about doing so at 60 but I can’t see that happening. He would last a week at best. He even ran to the office on Christmas Day for a few minutes to pick up some files!</p>

<p>I would rather extend my working years to 70 (Mrs. T’s father is a practicing civil engineer at 80+ in the old country, and my father worked part time in government till he was 80 or so) if the alternative is to make a killing in my 40’s and 50’s and destroy my health by overworking.</p>

<p>Those who seek the answer to why Americans are stressed out / depressed / overweight / etc only have to look across the pond to Europe for answers. Our German subsidiary is as productive as we are and work under 40 hours a week…</p>

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<p>I actually don’t believe this. I had some period early when I was building my career when I would work 80, even 100 hours per week. And honestly, I was VERY productive for pretty much all of those hours. And I actually really liked the work, which probably helped me keep focused and productive while I was doing it. I think some people can’t be productive for those kinds of hours, and it would be harder if you didn’t love what you were doing. I think I would not be able to work those hours now productively (pretty sure I would spend at least some of the time stewing about being forced to give up other things I enjoy now). But there are some people and some situations where people can work productively for long hours.</p>

<p>inparent- the study is on averages not one person. On average at a certain point error rates go up.</p>

<p>So much of this is very familiar. My marriage was this situation, and is so rare where I live in my city, that I felt very alone. The trick is keeping sufficient bonding in the relationship, sufficient shared pleasures to keep the relationship vital. No easy when the kids were young, and I was stressed, and resentful of the lack of at home participation in their care. But I knew he was also doing the best he could to care for us economically, and was his nature, so tried to be supportive. He grew bored with family life, and moved out when the kids were just entering elementary. </p>

<p>The sad thing for all of us, was that he was not the best divorced dad, (though wonderful in the moments he was engaged) because of the workaholism. The kids were left to their own devices a great deal in his assigned time. And he wanted them there, said they were fine, though they knew not to bother him. They were ok, but it was far less than ideal. </p>

<p>His assistant at the time, said he would not be especially productive all day, then sigh around 4 PM, and say it had to be a late night. I appreciate the collaboration in some of the above posts that they often are not especially productive, and control is the point, so they have a hard time delegating. However, when they become adrenaline fired, often after hours, they can be very productive. </p>

<p>He always did good work. But I think eventually his arrogance about it led to his downfall. Recently he was let go in a high profile job in his field, and he’s been unable to find anything else. For his sake, I hope he finds something else.</p>

<p>Turbo, I agree with you about European culture. Working ridiculous hours has become expected in many fields in this country, so is hard to challenge what in many cases is becoming a cultural norm. We are poorer as a result.</p>

<p>^That the saddest part - not being very engaged with what is going on around you (besides work). My husband just doesn’t notice things or feel the need to engage our son or me about things that interest us. As a consequence, son and I formed a strong bond over the years and have lots in common. I make it a point to understand what our son is interested in. If he’s decided to go gluten-free, then I will put some effort into finding out what that means. I do the exact same thing with my husband. </p>

<p>My husband complains that son and I ‘exclude’ him but we really don’t. He just chooses to focus 90% of his attention elsewhere (work). I read an interview with David Letterman recently where he said that when you are a workaholic (he is) you miss out on a lot going on around you. Describes my husband very accurately. I think his heart is in the right place, I think he is a good man, he just can’t seem to see how his need to pour all his energy and attention into his business means that his intimate relationships are, by default, going to be less than optimal. Unfortunately, my own father is the same way (yes, I did manage to pick a man very much like my father but he’s been a much better father to our son than my dad was to me:) ). My father has three grown children that he knows very little about and hardly ever sees. We talk 3-4 times a year and maybe see him once very couple of years. It’s not a contentious relationship, it’s just very superficial.</p>

<p>I guess you might call H a workaholic, in that he works 12-14 hrs. a day, but he is also a college professor (low stress?). He’s working on a book now and a book-length article, but it’s what he loves to do. When he doesn’t have to be in his office because of classes, he’s working at home. He takes frequent breaks and does know how to have fun. We have a hobby that we both love and spend major time doing. But now that the nest is empty, work has taken over some of the time that used to be spent with the kids. I must add that I am very happy to find things to occupy myself and am perhaps a bit of a workaholic myself, although not as focused as H is.</p>