<p>I’m preparing to take the 6th December SAT, and i think i need some help with the Essay writing. so may someone evaluate this essay and comment on it. </p>
<p>The prompt:
Do highly accomplished people achieve more than others mainly because they expect more of themselves?</p>
<p>What really drives people to achieve their best is their high expectations from themselves. This is because those with high expectations will have more self-confidence and will work harder to achieve high goals; but those with low self-expectations will get satisfied with the least. Statistics and examples from current events and scientists biographies support this thesis.
One example is Isaac Newten who believed since his childhood that he will add something more important to the world that those things which will be added by his classmates. Isaac’s primary school teacher believed that Isaac was stupid; but Isaac ignored him and started a long journey with self-teaching. When he was 17, he started writing down his notes about bodies’ motion, suggested some hypothesises and tested them. After several trials, he came out with his laws of motion which are now the principles of classic physics. If he had expected himself to be less than ordinary, as everyone expected him to be, he would have never been the father of physics.
Another example that proves the importance of self expectations is Nicholas Vigutiski whose high self-expectations lead him to be one of the most effective characters in the world in 2008. Although Vigutiski was born with no limbs, he didn’t give up to his suffer. In his book “Toward Satisfied Life”, he says “I have always expected to be one of the most inspiring people in the world”. Now Vigutiski is one of the most effective people in the world; he has travelled to 40 countries and gave more than 500 inspiring lectures. Besides, his official facebook page has 3.5 billion likes which is more than the likes that Obama’s page has.
Statistics also support the importance of the self-expectations. According to the National Behavior Reasearch Center (NBRC), 97% of those who have high self-expectations achieve higher goals. In a stdy made on 90 companies is USA whose annual profit falls in the 80th percentile or more, it was fond that those with high positions expected to be there even before graduation from the university; 74% of them didn’t have extraordinary abilities, it was just their expectation that lead them to be in that position.
It may be thought that success comes to those who are talented, but as in the study made by the NBRC and in the examples of influencing people and great scientists, high self-expectations lead to high achievements. If we teach our children to have high self-expectations, they will, for sure, achieve things greater than those things they will achieve with low self-expectations. </p>
<p>Maybe a 7 or an 8. A few grammar mistakes (incorrect usage of semicolon, hypotheses*, etc.), could be a bit more fluid. I feel like expectations was used way too much. Try a similar word like standards or just think of a different way to phrase it. I’d like to see one or two higher level vocal words used somewhere here. Generally you would want to use at least a 4th paragraph as a conclusion and, while I can’t really tell here, use the full two pages. I’m concerned by the amount of facts you have here. If these are all true facts, either this topic really hits home for you or you’ve invested too much time in memorizing facts that won’t be very helpful. If these aren’t true facts, just be careful of using things that would be common knowledge or seem unbelievable.</p>
<p>but the paragraph starting with “It may be thought that success comes to those who are talented” is supposed to be a conclusion!
what does it miss ?</p>
<p>btw all the facts are fabricated</p>
<p>Why is your transition “One example is…” and “Another example is…”? Be more creative so it transitions more clearly. Right now this is sort of boring. How about “This is evidenced by…” and “Similar to (1st Example’s work), (2nd Example) also…”. Hope I helped! 
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<p>@Esraa1997 didn’t notice that, sorry. Hard to tell in this format, I’d probably venture to say that it’s more 8 or 9 then.</p>
<p>I would also give you around a nine. You have a great introduction, but your body paragraphs could be stronger. You should add more observations/ analysis; maybe relate back to your intro and show how people with greater expectations of themselves have greater confidence, and <em>how</em> this confidence allows them to reach success. Your third paragraph seemed to be pretty obviously fabricated, and I did doubt some of those details about Newton (and I see in the comments that they were in fact fabricated.) Fabricating is perfectly fine - I fabricate all my examples too. They can’t dock you off for fabricating but if they can tell, it just makes your essay seem weaker. If you want to fabricate continue doing so just as you did with the second paragraph. That is ideal fabrication - pick an obscure name and claim the person is successful and famous. As for statistic examples, try to pick something somewhat relevant, and use explanations to make it seem more relevant. When you have a stats example that fits so perfectly, it feels unreal. Sorry if I’m being a little vague, you can ask for more detail if you’re interested.</p>
<p>In your stats paragraph, for example, most surveys do not assess whether people have extraordinary abilities, as it is kind of difficult to measure that. Just be careful</p>
<p>i strongly appreciate this great feedback. and yes i’m interested in knowing more details. also, may u rewrite the stats paragraph as you suggest it to be (fits but doesn’t fit so perfectly) </p>
<p>I rewrote your paragraph:
Several studies also support the importance of self-expectations. In a 2001 experiment by the National Behavior Research Center (NBRC), participants were given questionnaires and then were given different tasks to choose from and complete. 87% of those who reported being from a family with high academic standards challenged themselves to and completed more difficult tasks. Dr. Alex Matscovchi, head researcher, suggests that the people from families with higher academic standards expected more from themselves, and therefore were motivated to try and meet those expectations. In a study on employees of 90 companies in the USA whose annual profit falls in the 80th percentile or more, a strong correlation was found between the reported amount of self-expectations and company position. 76% of employees who said they had high expectations of themselves had a higher paid position in the company. 86% of these people were rated as having high self-esteem. Many of the people with higher positions did not necessarily have a higher IQ than those with lower-paid positions. Nancy Carlos, a psychologist, in an effort to explain these statistics, proposes that people with greater expectations of themselves had more confidence to be able to pursue higher positions. From these studies, one can see that self-expectations and motivations are tightly linked together, and higher self-expectations are indeed necessary for greater confidence and motivation.</p>
<p>This paragraph may not be perfect, but it might give you an idea. As you can see, I made the first study an experiment, so that it would be easier to explain how the statistics were obtained. Furthermore, notice that the participants did not directly report higher expectations of themselves. The part about how it applies to higher expectations of oneself is introduced and explained by the fabricated Alex Matscovchi. This explanation makes the “fit” a “perfect fit” and it adds a bit of analysis as to why those with greater expectations achieve more (e.g. they have motivation to meet their expectations. The second study is pretty close to a perfect fit, but I used more realistic statistics (e.g. self-reported expectations, measured self-esteem, IQ) and I added Nancy Carlos to give us a little analysis. Then, finally, I had sentence at the end that summarized the analysis of the entire paragraph. </p>
<p>I also suggest that instead of saying that statistics prove your argument, say that studies prove your argument, as studies are easier to expand on and contain stats within them anyways.</p>
<p>Hope this helps!</p>
<p>Aha… i got ur point. actually after leaving the essay for two days and rereading it i got the same feeling that my stat paragraph is poor.
i’ll try to apply ur advices in my coming essay, sure they will help 
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<p>and Thaxx alot @PaprikaC</p>