<p>D1 has been busted - she posted an way inappropriate comment about H & I on her IM away message, which leads me to wonder what the heck she is saying about us to her friends. I don’t use IM other than an office-only version at work, but D2 and H do, and that is how this all came to light, they actually saw it. I don’t think that whether or not she has the right to the opinion is the issue, I think she does, but I was raised not to “air that laundry” about family in public, which in my opinion is what IM is. My position is to take the use of the IM away while I consider other disciplinary options, and I truly hope H supports me on this, since he does not always, he hates being a disciplinarian and is even more lax than I obviously have been…anyone else have this problem?</p>
<p>I don’t have this specific problem. For me, I guess it would depend on the specific things she said. I’ve always told my kids that what they say reflects on the whole family, and I don’t want to hear back something embarrassing. In return, I won’t discuss the intimate details of their lives with friends. Also, I simply don’t allow cussing, even crude language. I’ve told the kids that I speak to them with respect and expect the same. So far, it’s worked. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve tried to make the kids feel like they get something out of these standards, too.</p>
<p>We don’t use IM, so I don’t know how taking it away would work. Couldn’t she still use it at school, or are you somehow totally disabling the account? I am all about the consequences reflecting the “crime,” but the real issue here isn’t the IM but her lack of judgment.</p>
<p>Good luck. Oh, but make sure you and the hubby DO get on the same page!</p>
<p>many kids spill their guts out to their friends, about what goes on in the house. For some it is therapy, for others just idle conversation. I hear kids say, “my dad’s being gay”, huh??? But I’m sure you are referring to something more personal than that. </p>
<p>I have no idea what her away message was, and how much dirty laundry was aired, but perhaps a calm discussion about the offensiveness of it would be more effective than taking away IM priveleges. </p>
<p>That’s why H & I have a lot of discussions behind closed doors. 
and our kids KNOW that what happens in Vegas…</p>
<p>I personally wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. The issue to me is that she feels that way. Taking away privileges isn’t going to stop that. I would calmly discuss it with her and explain that if you were mad at her, she probably wouldn’t want you to post it for all to see and leave it at that.</p>
<p>She may not even really feel that way- they are at a point in life where they are breaking away from parents- and that is the “tie that binds” them so they like to play up how “horrible” theirs are! The only thing is that I think it reasonable to be concerned that she posted it- and yes I think she should have some consequences. Don’t over-react but let her know it hurts and it’s wrong to post publically something hurtful about somebody else. Teaching her this lesson now could save her from hurting a student, teacher or boss someday.</p>
<p>Theres no way for anyone here to guage how to react if no one knows what was said. From your discription it could be anything from “My (blank)ing parents are ruining my life!” to extremely personal and sensitive details. The first one is basically expected from a 16-17 year old, the second is worse. You really should talk to your kid about it though, because theres apparently something thats made her very upset if it’s the latter.</p>
<p>I think the fact that she knows you saw it and are hurt and offended will be enough of a consequence. It also would make a difference to me what exactly was said- i.e. "The “f__ng 'rents won’t let me go out” versus “Well, mom and dad are wasted again! Looks like AA isn’t doing the trick!” I might mention that you (the parent) have chosen not to put your private life out on the internet and would hope that your daughter would respect that choice.</p>
<p>Today’s culture online is rude crude and unattractive with all of our former old rules/protections re privacy, public sharing, and social networking in total flux. Our kids have in some ways lost their moral path and guides since they are actually part of a communication culture that we elders don’t understand or fully participate in. Even people in our age bracket make grave mistakes on the internet all the time and live to regret things they put in an email. </p>
<p>Who wants to be judged publically and permanently for something they said? The internet can actually make you pay for a mistake over and over.</p>
<p>Not “excusing” your daughter’s lack of judgment at all. However, it was my experience as a parent that all but the few make these sorts of errors. I don’t have a facebook account and I have not seen my son’s but I have tried to impress on him that all things posted are viewed now by future employers…who often have young associates checking things out…and that even teenage errors sometimes never disappear from cache history. I can think of a couple of times in his high school circle where I know of teens who got hurt by internet meanness or hijinks or humor and gossip gone to seed. Although these events upset us as a family at the time, they were instructive, valuable and drove home reality testing to our son in a way that was way more effective than my pontificating. I hope he has always kept those memories in place to check his own postings and conversations but the need to impress peers with nonsense and rude talk is pretty potent. Young people live more in the moment than we do.</p>
<p>Use this as a teaching moment. I can only think of a handful of my son’s peers who were so highly morally developed and mature…that they never posted anything on Facebook or in IMs that could be not only in poor taste but could also be hurtful. </p>
<p>Let her know you are hurt by her blunder. She might as well get some reality testing done now. Words can hurt. And the digital age can be a weapon with unintentioned victims in the hands of the young and the thoughtless. </p>
<p>Personally, I would be grateful you have this experience with her now. She may have learned a lesson that will help guide her in the new age.</p>
<p>I tell my kids: “when you insult your family, you insult yourself.”</p>
<p>FWIW.</p>
<p>(not to say son doesn’t complain…and 6 yo daughter too, for that matter…!)</p>
<p>A teenager’s view:</p>
<p>When I get into an argument with my parents that upsets me I often go on AIM and rant to a close friend for some time. Many friends do the same. It’s understood that we don’t ACTUALLY “hate” our parents, that we are upset, and that we just need to vent and let out our feelings. Would you rather we bang our feet, slam doors, and throw things to get our anger/upset/stress out of our systems?
I’m pretty sure kids used to write this stuff in diaries or spend hours talking to a friend on the phone. Now we rant through IM, it’s really not much different. Obviously, you think it IS different, because it is making it public. Assuming this was a private chat, it is only being seen by a friend who probably, as I said before, understands that it is a rant and has also done the same thing her/himself. However, if you still think this is a problem, the best bet would be to just talk to your D, tell her how you feel about things like this, and suggest keeping a diary for rants and stuff. </p>
<p>Personally, I think taking away AIM is a stupid/not good idea. For one it will just make her more angry/mad. Obviously the point would be to punish her for “posting an inappropriate comment,” but she probably will be upset because she didn’t think what she did was a big deal, doesn’t see anything wrong with it, will think you’re overreacting. And then, because she can’t use AIM she will either call her friend or talk to him/her the next day and rant about your actions again…which would completely defeat the purpose!
Again, I think that no AIM would be overkill, and that you should simply have a conversation with your D, tell her you know about what she said, and tell her that you don’t like it, why you don’t like it, and suggest a diary.</p>
<p>There are two issues here. The first is content and judgment of her IMs and possibly other internet posting. You might want to remind her that AIM and nearly anything and everything posted can back to haunt her. It’s in writing. It’s public. It’s on record. This is something I have found kids have to be told repeatedly. Adults, too, seem to forget this. </p>
<p>The other issue is the airing of private family issues. This is something that needs to be discussed as a family. Many families think that their kids are going to be discrete about some things that are private. Don’t count on it. I’ve heard too much back seat talk to trust any kid. Also as parents, we need to remember that the rules apply to us too. We should not be entertaining our friends and using our kids as anecdotal examples if we do not want to be discussed that way either. This sort of discussion needs to come up regularly. Still does not take care of the problem, but by increasing awareness, can maybe take a bit off.</p>
<p>Perhaps seeing an inappropriate away message about herself on your IM would get the point across.</p>
<p>
Well, aren’t we as parents supposed to be the role models?</p>
<p>I agree with MOWC that fact that she knows you saw it and are hurt and offended will be enough of a consequence. It is common for kids to complain about parents and siblings to their friends, often blowing things out of proportion and distorting them. Posting an away message is different, because it’s there for all to see. I am pretty sure she did not think about it when she did it, and you have every right to be hurt and upset by it. Now let HER find the way to make it up to you.</p>
<p>Punishing her by taking AIM away from her (if that’s even possible…) will only make her feel that she was “right” in whatever she’d posted…</p>
<p>Was what she IM’ed disrespectful/insulting, or just something you wish she wouldn’t discuss outside the family? </p>
<p>I gotta say, I think a lot of psychological harm is done in the name of “not airing dirty laundry.” So many families have an elephant in the living room that nobody is supposed to talk about. I have no idea what the subject was in this case, so I’d just ask, is it something that she may really <em>need</em> to vent to someone about? That she might be worried or scared or stressed about?</p>