Mean girl stuff - opinions appreciated

Parent Cafe
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<p>I realize this is a trivial problem, especially with what so many are dealing with nowadays, but my 15 y/o d is in a difficult situation. I’d like to know what others think:</p>

<p>The short version is that my d may have unintentionally excluded another student from consideration for a desirable volunteer opportunity. Once she realized this, my d apologized for her error, and plans to correct it – however, the other student insists on assuming ill intent on my d’s part, and has done some very mean, accusatory IMing. My d (realistically) expects a lot of trash talk this week, but is most concerned that the adult in charge will be angry with her for her error and agree with the other student that it was deliberate and mean-spirited.</p>

<p>If you’d like the gory details, here they are. My d and the other girl are advanced ballet students at a highly-respected studio – not a pre-professional school, but the closest thing to it in our area. The studio director is very charismatic, hero-worshipped by most of her students, and stresses good character as well as good technique. As with most such places, there’s an element of nastiness and backbiting – usually more from the parents (oh, I’ll say it – the mothers) than the kids.</p>

<p>The director asked for volunteers from the advanced class to help by demonstrating in a lower level once a week. There were many interested students, so the director told them to work it out themselves. She added that students who had helped before were exempt from participating, in order to give more students a chance. Once the eligible students checked with their chauffeurs - I mean parents - only 2 kids could fulfill the obligation, or so my d thought. My d took it upon herself to ask the eligible kids if they were still interested (yes, she has a take-charge personality). They planned to pull names from a hat, but the teacher agreed 2 students could alternate.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my d didn’t ask one student whom she assumed was ineligible because she had indeed helped previously; however, during the shorter summer term in an adult level class, which this girl believes is not the same as helping during the longer term. The teacher has yet to clarify what she meant. My d realizes she should have been more careful and asked the teacher about the qualifications before assuming the other girl was ineligible. This was a genuine mistake, not an intentional exclusion.</p>

<p>When the other student heard about the outcome, she phoned my d and there was a cordial conversation (on my d’s end at least). I heard her discussing the criteria, then say, “Let’s work it out with the teacher on Monday.” She went to her room and called me in an upset state about 10 minutes later, as the other student was IMing her some very hostile stuff (“you don’t want me to have a chance ….you wanted it not to be me so you went behind my back … she asked if you asked everyone and you lied … you knew I wanted this bad … be sure to tell the teacher you lied …," etc.). My d did the broken-record thing “I didn’t know you could do it, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, we’ll work it out with the teacher, etc.” I was pleased that she didn’t stoop to name calling and accusations. The other student was finally mollified when my d typed something like “If the teacher doesn’t want me to do it anymore because of the way I handled it, that’s fine with me.”</p>

<p>So after tonight’s class the girls are going to discuss it with the teacher – a brave thing because it’s a tough 2-hour class and the teacher is famous for her bad moods on Mondays. My d has lived in a state of dread since the IM session. This was the most unfortunate possible student (I should say mother-daughter dyad) for my d to unintentionally exclude. My d would have to be a complete fool to shut her out deliberately, as the other girl’s mom is, um, not meek. Not to assume the worst myself, but I had an eerie feeling that the IM session was very possibly a collaboration, as much of the language and many of the points made were unlikely to come from a 15 y/o. There’s just no way that this won’t be a mess, unless my d flat-out gives the other student her place. I’m reluctant for her do this, because it would appear that the accusations are true. My d has asked me to be available to join the meeting in case the other girl’s mother attends – don’t know if I should, but I want my d to feel supported.</p>

<p>If you’ve made it all the way through this very long post, thank you! I’d welcome your input, anecdotes, whatever. This is going to be a learning experience for my d one way or another, but I’d like to do what I can to make it a positive one.</p>

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<p>15-year-old girls sure can be vicious. My D got on the receiving end of that kind of thing once and 5 years later it still stings her (she was furious when my S invited the girl to dinner as part of a group recently).</p>

<p>I think the plan of talking with the teacher is the best one. The teacher is partially at fault here, you realize, by telling them to work it out among themselves. </p>

<p>Your daughter needs to handle the whole thing so graciously that everyone else is embarassed. That way, she won’t have to look back and be ashamed of how she behaved.</p>

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<p>I admire how graciously your D has handled this so far, and I’m sure she’ll continue to handle it just as graciously when speaking to the teacher. It does sound like the girl in question has blown it out of all proportion, especially after hearing your D’s reasoning about why she thought the girl would be excluded. In any case, them discussing it with the teacher is a good idea and hopefully, the teacher will realize that she herself is partially to blame and thus work out a suitable solution. I don’t think your D needs to give up her spot necessarily to this other girl just to mollify her. The teacher needs to come to some sort of solution which will be a good one for all. </p>

<p>p.s. I agree with your D that you should be there, just in case she needs you. :)</p>

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<p>I have read this post and I am wondering what parents in general think of the teacher’s handling of this situation. These girls are caught in a typical sex/age circumstance and the teacher, who is familiar with young women must know what is happening…right?</p>

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<p>Uggh…the good thing is this will blow over soon and though there may be some residual bad feelings the bulk of it will be done. The fact that your kid asked you to be present indicates she is likely afraid of the other girls (and possibly her moms) nastiness so I would definitely be at that meeting.
Your D. should just be honest and present what happened making it clear she had no intent to exclude the other girl and that she wants to make it right if a mistake was made.</p>

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<p>IMO your D was only trying to do what the teacher asked, and took a leadership role. I think the OTHER girl should be the one who is embarrassed, because SHE is the one making a big fuss/stink over what, in the long run, is no big deal. </p>

<p>I think your D should touch base with the teacher, perhaps by phone or e-mail, before the meeting after the class, just so she can let the teacher know she has something to go over with her – that a problem came up about these arrangements and she wants to fill the teacher in and have her involved in handling it. The other girl/mom ideally should not communicate first, because that might put your D in a defensive position. Your D can be classy by not mentioning the nasty IM’s – she can just say she fears the other student is upset and she wants to resolve it positively. </p>

<p>ONE person will come off as a “whiner” – the other student. </p>

<p>The teacher was being lazy not to take a list herself of interested students.</p>

<p>These ballet “crises” can be too much! For what it’s worth, I have known dads as well as moms who get too emotionally involved. My D switched during high school from a pre-professional ballet school with its own company 10 miles away to a low key one in our town - what a refreshing change!</p>

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<p>I think your D handled herself admirably. I do have a question though…was your D eligible because she had never done it before?</p>

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<p>I think your daughter did the best with the information given. It was the result of unclear directions by the instructor. As a teacher myself, I am guilty of this sometimes because I don’t forsee some potential problems. I would hope the instructor would realize the mistake and help to smooth the situation. In the meantime, I highly recommend the book Queen Bees and Wannabees. It’s the book that the movie Mean Girls was loosely based around. It’s intended for the parents of teenage girls.</p>

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<p>My opinion? I’m glad I have boys! Yikes!</p>

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<p>Sorry to be so late responding – this job thing is really starting to cut into my CC time. My thanks for all the helpful, insightful responses. </p>

<p>My d hadn’t helped before, which is one reason she was so over the moon about it. (Sorry not to have made that clear). The worst thing about the situation, for me, is that she was so joyful about this little volunteer job, and now she’s worried and sad instead. </p>

<p>jyber209, I like the suggestion about having my d contact the teacher before meeting with her – unfortunately, past observation teaches that it would have been impossible for my d to gain the teacher’s ear first, even if she’d phoned her at home this weekend. By the time my d arrives for class tonight, everyone who’s entered the building today and has an operating set of ears will have heard the story – count on it. One reason she’s so nervous about tonight is that my d knows she’ll be telling her side of the story last.</p>

<p>Dmd77 – I love it! My d has already decided to keep her temper no matter what is said tonight or what the outcome may be. Your advice to behave so well that she embarrasses everyone else gives her something to grin about.</p>

<p>It never occurred to me that the teacher bears some responsibilty for this mess, but of course those of you who’ve made that point are right. I’m not sure the teacher will see it that way, though - she knows everything about dance but I’m not sure how much she knows about 15 y/o girls, despite having taught them for almost 30 years. </p>

<p>angstridden, you are so right that it will blow over. It’s This Week’s Drama, which will fade by the time we get to the Casting the Christmas Ballet Drama and be completely forgotten when the Annual Spring Performance/Who’s Got The Most Time Onstage Drama rolls around. </p>

<p>weenie - I hear you on the boys.</p>

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<p>What D needs to be prepared for is that the teacher may give in to the mean girl and mommy dearest, so even if mean girl was wrong about her right to volunteer because she had before, she may get her way and she won’t admit she was wrong and bullied her way in. And rub Ds nose in it for a time. That may not happen at all and everyone could be a gracious as your D. But having the worst case in mind and being mentally prepared can get D through this little drama.</p>

<p>Anyway, a lesson learned. Stay calm and charming, which is very disarming. Your D did, and it gives the other girls no ammunition.</p>

<p>You must let us know what happens.</p>

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<p>Oh, dear. Frazzled, I am so sorry, but this is very different but in someways so familiar: the high-end ballet studio, the girl who is a snot, and the waaaay over-invested parent, and attempts for the two to manipulate the director. May your director handle this well. And well-done to your daughter for handling everything as you have presented it.</p>

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<p>Frazzled:</p>

<p>The advice to take the high road is so right on- a situation like this is so stereotypical, I love that your D is staying above it all and doing the right thing! If she sinks to their level and snipes, then people can wonder if she si the wrong doer, by staying above the fray and doing the right thing with composure, she will be noticed by many for her manners and grace, though it may be in the long run and not right away.</p>

<p>My D learned this with a wacko roommate, I listened to vulgar & threatening voicemails form a roomie who developed a coke habit and got out of control. It was horrible, but D stayed on the high road and the wacko, who tried to turn every one against my “evil” daughter, ended up starting their former shared house on fire and being evicted. While she is still at school, she is slowly flunking out. Scary how long parents can be suckered in to paying the fees because no one tells them what is really going on. It takes a lot get kicked out of a university, especially if you started off well, so your cumulative GPA goes down slowly.</p>

<p>I hope it went well tonight, I was thinking of you!</p>

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<p>OK, I’m also a former ballet mom. My 2 cents:</p>

<p>I think that your daughter has handled this beautifully so far - and you should let her keep on doing exactly as she has been doing. Do go to the meeting because d. has asked, but plan to keep quiet and take a back seat unless things start to get out of hand. Be prepared to allow your daughter to graciously LOSE – meaning after the session, you will take unhappy and distraught daughter out for ice cream and hugs. (Ice cream has ALWAYS worked for me. Preferably with hot fudge on top.)</p>

<p>What is going on is more complex than a “mean girls” thing, in my opinion. There is a kind of cut-throat, competitive dance world thing that often deteriorates into dirty tricks and backstabbing, and the little would be prima ballerinas often get it straight from their overbearing stage moms, who simply won’t allow anyone to upstage their precious daughters.</p>

<p>Personally, I think its better to be the the parent of a nice, caring, gracious girl dancing with the group in the back, perpetually cast as a “flower” or a “friend” … than to be the mother of the piranha with the tutu dancing center stage. </p>

<p>I know that it probably meant a lot for your daughter to be able to have the volunteer position – and maybe if you are lucky the teacher will see it the same way, and come to an equitable solution. But the bigger lesson in this is that its better to be a good person than a good dancer – and your daughter has already shown herself to be a star in that respect.</p>

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<p>Reporting this with a mix of intense relief and embarrassment – nothing happened! No meeting, no confrontation – the other girl apologized privately to my d after class and said it wasn’t necessary to discuss the situation with the teacher. No one else at the studio heard a thing about it, the teacher was in a positively jovial mood, and I have apparently stumbled into a kinder, gentler alternative universe!</p>

<p>My d thinks one of 3 things must have happened:</p>

<p>The other girl’s mom contacted the teacher and learned that her daughter really was exempt from participating because of having assisted previously. </p>

<p>The other girl’s mom actually wasn’t involved in the IM session (my bad for considering otherwise, in this case), and stepped in when she learned her daughter was behaving badly.</p>

<p>Mom and/or daughter discussed this with the teacher who offered the girl another, equally desirable opportunity. This teacher has a lot of integrity and tries hard to keep herself above the parental fray. Still, the other girl is talented and her family quite supportive of the studio, so it wouldn’t surprise me if the teacher tried to accommodate both girls. </p>

<p>To which I add a 4th possibility: mom/daughter came across this thread and realized the many advantages of taking the high road.</p>

<p>It kinda figures – one of the first times I get really personal on CC, and it turns out I’m so far off base. I was anticipating a rough time based on the track record (these girls skirmished once a few years ago and it wasn’t pretty - they’ve had a shaky truce since then). My thanks for all your comments and suggestions anyway. I especially appreciate the insight of parents who have dealt with this kind of EC involvement. </p>

<p>I’m constantly wondering if this environment is the best one for my daughter, though she is absolutely certain that it is. The advantages of being at a high-quality dance school are many, but the downside can be considerable, particularly the negative competitive atmosphere. You ballet parents know what I’m talking about, though I know it applies to sports, theater, and probably every EC that attracts an audience (the most toxically difficult mom I’ve ever run across is a music parent).</p>

<p>The Casting the Christmas Ballet Drama got underway last night, as the teacher reviewed the variations and everyone involved started speculating about the outcome. So there’s something more interesting than our little drama to think about already. Many thanks, CCers!</p>

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<p>Frazzled, fwiw, TheMom and I are alumni ballet parents. I trained someone to handle ticket sales the year before our D graduated but TheMom is in the last year that she had promised to do the program…InDesign production and design skills are apparently hard to come by but at this year’s parent meeting we got some qualified people to volunteer as editor, production assistant, and web editor. </p>

<p>I can’t tell you how nice it is to be completely detached from casting and just to watch girls we’ve known for years move up to the highest roles without getting absorbed (frazzled?) with the possibilities for our own D. Some parts of “empty nest” are better.</p>

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<p>frazzled,
please also recognize that the outcome may have been positive because of the gracious and evenhanded way that your daughter heard the other girl’s complaints. It’s very hard for one person to argue. Your daughter permitted the other dancer to vent, she offered a next step (meeting with the teacher), she didn’t counterattack and yet she didn’t acknowledge the other dancer’s accusations. Bravo! (brava?!)</p>

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<p>Frazzled – the environment will not harm your daughter if you and she stay above the fray. There is an advantage to being able to dance among very talented dancers in a demanding environment, both in terms of the quality of instruction and discipline involved in training – and there are also real world lessons to be learned about competition. </p>

<p>One thing I see as a valuable lesson learned from ballet – or other sports or arts where competition is based on a a subjective artistic determination as well as objective factors - is the ability to graciously accept and support a competitor’s win. This lesson is important for parents as well as kids. </p>

<p>In the performing arts, there is always some other kid who gets the part, sometimes for very arbitrary reasons. I have always felt that all of those ballet years made it easier for me and my daughter to maintain more objectivity - to look for the strong qualities in others and celebrate their accomplishments without resentment or anger, enjoying the privilege of being part of their world and acknowledging (horrors!) - that someone else actually is a more technically proficient dancer, or recognizing that it is o.k. for a casting director to make a selection based on how tall the person is or how well she will fit into the costume or how she will look next to her dancing partner in a duet – or how many hours the dancer’s mom volunteers. Just as it will be o.k… for an admissions committee next spring to choose some other kid because of factors other than grades and test scores. We’ve learned that when it comes to casting or college selection, we live in a world where our individual needs and desires are subordinate to the needs of the ensemble - and that we are not the ones doing the casting or judging. </p>

<p>So personally I think that the dance studio is an excellent place to learn many of life’s lessons, including the lesson that life isn’t always fair. </p>

<p>I agree with Jasmom - your daughter’s grace is what contributed to the happy outcome … and in the long run that is the talent that will serve her best in life.</p>