<p>I grew up as a boy with my mother as the only female and she had only brothers and my dad was an only child and I went to a boys high school. So my expertise for many years was how males talk to males. I then had daughters and have for decades spent most of my time talking to women and girls. Nearly a complete reversal. </p>
<p>I like to listen to sports talk radio because it is inane noise without politics, where the only hot button issues are whether the Celtics should trade Rajon Rondo. And it hit me: the real difference between the way men and women talk or like to talk and thus how they think is that women like to talk about what has and is happening while men like to talk about what might happen and what should be done.</p>
<p>Yesterday on sports radio the topic of the day was what Pedro Martinez will mean for the Red Sox pitching staff. An entire day of people offering opinions about something that hasn’t really happened yet: it’s just for show, it’s going to be immense, if he can teach them focus, if he can do x, if these guys do y, etc. All stuff that hasn’t happened. We can’t evaluate the impact - if we ever can - until something has happened. But that is what guys want to talk about.</p>
<p>The other topic was whether the Celtics should deal Kevin Garnett or Rajon Rondo or Paul Pierce before the Thursday trading deadline and what that would mean if x, y or z trade happens. In other words, explore the alternate universe in which Dwight Howard is a Celtic and either Kevin or Rajon isn’t: how that team would play, how they would look in future years. In other words, absolute nonsense. Wait until Thursday afternoon and you find out if any trades are made.</p>
<p>Then my wife came home. She talked to me at length about an irrational parent’s absurd reaction to a tiff her son had with another kid. She went through the actions and reactions and how various people participated and then brought out deeper issues like possible distaste for the second kid because he has two dads and so on. Not a single what if alternate universe maybe but an exploration of what has actually happened and is happening to understand and develop those meanings. As a guy, I’ve learned to listen and talk about these events and not try to shift to what it might mean or what should happen though that is my natural inclination.</p>
<p>I agree that women may not be as likely to limit a conversation to problem solving (“what should happen”). That kind of talk may be part of a conversation, but usually there’s a lot of discussion of multiple aspects of the situation before we get to the problem solving stage. And if it’s not a problem that we can solve (like your sports trade example), maybe we wouldn’t ever get to the problem solving aspect.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that women don’t talk about the future, though. I haven’t noticed that pattern. For example, at my job, there’s as much talk among the women as the men about the possible consequences of the impending retirement of a key member of the staff of a major client.</p>
<p>Very interesting. My wife does not like to talk about what ifs too often.
Then I have a male friend, and he loves to talk about what ifs even if they have almost zero chance of occuring. </p>
<p>I am going to think about what you wrote, Lergnom. I think you may have something there. Did you think of this yourself?</p>
<p>Edit…I forgot. My mother in law lives to talk about what ifs. Hmmmm</p>
<p>I too think this is interesting. I am going to have to examine and see how my husband’s conversations with me go. I myself do rehash incidents and things that are going on now and what went on then. My husband does tend to rehash and think about things that happened at work, but in other areas, I’m not so sure.</p>
<p>I am very much a talk about what might, could, or should happen. Maybe it’s why I’m always in the top 3 of my March Madness brackets :D</p>
<p>Then again, I was raised primarily with males and my dad always wanted a boy ;)</p>
<p>OTOH, my male SO hates talking about what ifs. He is the epitome of “whatever happens, happens” mentality and doesn’t speculate on most things. The exception is our college’s basketball team. And only basketball.</p>
<p>Deborah Tannen (linguistics professor) has written several fascinating books on the style of conversation between women, men and family members if you’re really interested.</p>
<p>You obviously haven’t been following the Downton Abbey thread :)! It disproves your theory. Lots of people–mostly women–coming up with future plot threads.</p>
<p>Rather than it being about future vs present or even a man’s vs a woman’s way of communicating, it sounds to me like this has to do with being a good listener. Sometimes a person just wants to feel heard, not have the listener try to solve the problem for them. Sounds like this is what you’ve learned to do with your wife, Lergnom.</p>
<p>Lergnom, I dont think this applies to me. What about our desire to constantly talk about products that prevent wrinkles and purchasing all sorts of concoctions? :)</p>
<p>Also look at my purse. When my H and I first started dating, he asked me why I have so much stuff in my purse. I told him I need to cover possible scenarios. In case someone gets injured, I have a Band-aid. If someone gets a headache, I have ibuprofen. If I get my hands dirty, I have hand wipes. If Im going someplace at night and my pale lipstick looks blah then I switch to my wine-colored lipstick. When we go on vacation, I manage to justify to him why were bringing certain items.</p>
<p>As for women talking about what is happening, I think I should identify and discuss the problem first before I talk about solutions.</p>
<p>My husband drives me NUTS with his alternate universe theories. </p>
<p>But I do listen to sports talk radio all day just so I can have some insight into the male take on things AND so I can discuss with H as to why the Lakers stink. And how they would not stink in H’s mondo bizarro.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s right to say that women think about the present and men about the future. That would be a grotesque leap: we all live in the same physical reality and women write and read stories (more than men if the statistics are right). But men tend to be more attracted to alternate reality scenarios and argue incessantly about what ifs. I don’t know how women think because I’m not a woman. I’m trying to understand that better.</p>
<p>I sometimes think, for example, that women prepare for emergencies out of the house more than men partly because they grasp the specific challenges they may face and want to be free of them. Men, from my personal experience, tend more to approach this more haphazardly, perhaps because we want to believe we can handle what comes and perhaps because committing to a specific set of challenges feels limiting instead of freeing. Believe me, I’ve learned a lot from the women in my life about preparing for the small things that can go wrong in a day. It seems to me, as a guy, that I prefer that specificity only when it’s something I have to get right - like it’s my job or I’ve been taught this is how you do it.</p>
<p>Ahhh this is a red herring in our home. Husband is forever projecting what if’s, long term what if’s. As if life were a chess game, and we really had that much control. I could step off the curb and be killed by a car this afternoon, why spend the mental energy on what if’s?</p>
<p>I’m like you. I’m always trying to solve problems or wondering “what if this happens?” My H is the opposite. He’s pretty laid back. He comes home from work and tells me about his day. I proceed to try to solve his problems. He gets angry and says “I don’t want you to solve my problems.” I’m going to have to learn to just nod and smile.</p>
<p>I do find that I’m more focused on people compared to my husband. I like to get the whole story about what’s going on with friends or family. He doesn’t seem to pay attention to any of the details.</p>
<p>I think the gender differences in communication syles are reflective of differences in how men and women attempt to organize and create order in their lives; males often seek order by trying to establish where they stand in relation to other things in a linear, factual way, whereas females seek order through social cooperation and establishing emotional connections with others. </p>
<p>Here is a quote from a paper regarding gender differences in the workplace including differences in communication styles; it also refers to Tannen’s work on gender differences:</p>
<p>My husband will never talk about what ifs. In his universe, if the truck is heading straight for you, you shouldn’t worry about it until you feel the air around you starting to stir. I’m a plan for every possible eventuality type.</p>
<p>When we speak, hubby cuts right to the chase and often misses nuance. If I feel like I’m missing something, I stop him and ask him to paint me a picture with his words. Amazing how often important stuff gets overlooked if he’s not paying close attention.</p>
<p>lergnom - I don’t buy your original premise, but maybe it’s true only for sports. Your love of those sports shows is echoed by my H. I don’t know what it is, but he seems fascinated whether they’re talking about his beloved Celtics or even when it’s someone he doesn’t really care about like Tim Tebow. I call it his “sports gossip” and he is quite enthralled - listening mostly on his iphone. Once when we were about to, say, strengthen our marital bond, I asked him if he would secretly like to keep his headphones on and he said no, laughing, but in a guilty way!</p>
<p>My experience is that men like to fix things so when a women discusses something that has occurred, men try and tell them what they should do about it to make it better. </p>
<p>Women, on the other hand, are venting or looking for some agreement of why something made them upset or happy about a situation. When they tell another women, she agrees or disagrees about that cause of the emotion, tells how it would have made her feel and asks questions about what else contributed to the event.</p>