<p>Your daughter’s friend’s mom behaves like a middle schooler!!</p>
<p>I am a middle school counselor and deal with this kind of thing all the time. In my experience, it is almost always made worse when the moms get involved. Let the girls work it out on their own. If your daughter is being bullied in any way, she needs to let someone at school know - teacher, counselor or principal - but moms calling other moms, especially if they are not friends, usually exacerbates the situation. Your daughter will either work this out with the other girl or she won’t. Either way she will learn some things about herself and gain some skills to help her in the future.</p>
<p>Ditto on not talking to the mom if she is not a friend of yours. There are some people out there who are really “difficult”, and although they feel free to “butt” into your life will react horribly if you talk to them about their children, even if it involves your own. If there is any serious problem with the interaction with this girl or other children (e.g. bullying), go to the school officials or teacher to talk about it. </p>
<p>If your daughter has some other friends, now is the time to spend it with those friends, and to avoid this girl if there are “issues”. If no other friends, time to get involved in some activities outside of school to make new friends.</p>
<p>My kids’ middle school had a huge mean-girl blow-up which happened because the teachers refused to believe that a few honor students were behind the whole thing. The moms of the mean girls also defended their Ds insisting that their Ds were nice girls and that the victims were really the problem. </p>
<p>These honor girls had created the “five foot club” which meant no one who wasn’t in “their group” could sit within 5 feet of them.</p>
<p>The “s” hit the fan when one of the victims found a “chain note” that the honor girls had each written on where they talked about the “club” and who was not allowed to sit near them. The note also said some very mean things about the various victim girls.</p>
<p>Turns out that the moms of these girls were really the genesis of this awful behavior. The moms were very snobby and gossipy. When the note was discovered, a few of these moms were so focused on how the note was found (Did one of the victims steal it from a locker - they kept asking), because they didn’t want to face the issue.</p>
<p>7th grade girls are the absolute worst! They think they know everything and all adults are stupid. (I coached lacrosse for my daughter’s team that year - what was I thinking?? I walked off the field at two practices after listening to them complain about the drills they were being asked to do.) </p>
<p>I would call the middle school guidance counselor and ask him/her to investigate the situation. They are experienced in this age and can quickly determine if this is typical chatter or some real ‘mean girl’ issues. I would not call another parent unless she is a friend, but it sounds like she’s not.</p>
<p>MIddle school is the pits! It does get better in high school, as the kids mature. However, typical middle school behavior is now appearing in the elementary grades, too. I am an aide for a third grade class, and I cannot believe some of what I hear from the girls. The nastiness, cliqueishness, deliberate excluding of one child, etc., just floor me! Some of it may come from parents, as other posters have noted; I also think some of it comes from TV, from shows like American Idol and others where “clever” put-downs and general meanness are celebrated. No parent ever believes that their daughter acts like this.</p>
<p>I didn’t read past pug’s post because I agree. Call the other mother. At this age you should be involved. Things happen. We have all seen the bullying stuff on the news. A few years ago a high school girl from our area killed herself. All the kids iknew there was a lot of drama going on.
One other point: I raised a D. She had very little drama in middle school. Why? Because she chose a few friends who were also not dramatic. She was definitely not part of the “in” crowd but the in crowd is quick to shift and send you to the “out” crowd anyway. i would sit my D down and have a long talk about being a friend and what that means. Also how to chose her friends more wisely.<br>
First you need to call the other mother. I think you are not getting the full story from your D.</p>
<p>However, typical middle school behavior is now appearing in the elementary grades, too. I am an aide for a third grade class, and I cannot believe some of what I hear from the girls. The nastiness, cliqueishness, deliberate excluding of one child, etc., just floor me! Some of it may come from parents, as other posters have noted;* I also think some of it comes from TV, from shows like American Idol and others where “clever” put-downs and general meanness are celebrated.** No parent ever believes that their daughter acts like this. *</p>
<p>I agree. Schools are seeing this mean behavior in the lower grades as well. </p>
<p>I, too, think that certain TV shows “meanness” contributes to this. When my kids were younger, I didn’t like a couple of Nickelodeon shows because the kids were very rude and smart-mouthed. When I heard my kids using some of the phrases, I put a stop to watching those 2 shows. </p>
<p>This “excluding one child” is very powerful. The stronger kids in the power group choose the excluded child, and the weaker ones in the group fear speaking up because they fear that they may end up being an excluded child.</p>
<p>There is a mom at school whose two D’s who are wild girls - pregnancy scares at 15, kicked off of ECs, etc. I don’t know the mom terribly well but was always amazed that she could raise the Ds she has. Then my own D told me a story of how the mother had behaved on a field trip that she chapperoned and it all makes sense!!!</p>
<p>Talk to the mother. It’s not ok for the other mother to have give your D a talking to without speaking to you first. Sometimes it is the mom who is the bully, that’s been our years’ long experience. HOWEVER, when you speak to the mother, be prepared to hear something that you might not particularly like.</p>
<p>On one hand, I think you’re right, my d. is still very young, I should do something.
However, I really am not in any mood talking to this mom. I agree with some people here in that I think she behaves just like her d, a 12 year old. (her d. has very hot temper, never talk to other adults (except for her teachers, maybe) in a friendly way. extremely hostile person, which kept shock me in the past years. but she is very smart, and does well academically.) What kind of 30-40 old behaves like a 12 yo? lack of education, maybe, or lack of self checking from time to time. </p>
<p>These days my h. and I have been encouraging our d to stay away from this girl. She has other friends. she is going to a very good summer program this year with CTY, is really looking forward to it. I really wish she wouldn’t pay attention to these petty things, but this is the age, she is living in it, I can’t force her to be like someone in her 40s. :)</p>
<p>I want to hear from some of you here – one of my d’s friends suggested this other girl was jealous. My D. is academicaly advanced, so is the other girl. They are also both very musical, the other girl’s mom herself is musical, she gives piano/flute lessons to some kids. both my d. and the other girl tried out for all county band. That girl didn’t do well. My d. was first chair in her instrument through audition. It was the other girl who went to checked and told my d. with joy. They’ve always been helping each other in school. I never thought there was jealousy at this early age. From what I knew about this girl, I just thought she likes to gossip and “enjoys” to be mean at times to show her “power”. Yet now I ‘m thinking – IS JEALOUSY A POSSIBILITY?? The reason I thought it might be possible is, I asked my d. if this girl was this mean to other people. My d. said “not much. Just to me.” Yet at times she could be so warm. As I said in my original post, she even suggested to plan an overseas trip with my d. they were planning this just last Wed. ! when my d. asked me, (I go outside the country at least once a year for conferences, we sometimes go together as a family) I thought to myself – from what I know about her, I’d take anybody BUT her, because she is SO moody. She might be a nice person in heart but I can’t deal with her mood! </p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry though about this girl, if her mom doesn’t do this mean thing to my daughter.</p>
<p>Of course jealousy is a possibility. That could be what it is. Or it might be something else entirely.</p>
<p>I’ve got several threads here about the long-term consequences of having a jealous mother in the background. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. If you really can’t speak to the mother, keep an eye an ear on the situation and be ready to set firm boundaries as soon as you deem it necessary.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how big your middle school or school district is, but one hope is that in under 14 months they will be out of middle & heading to high school, where schedules and friends change. Just something to keep in mind. Sounds like the one girl is having to put people down to feel important. Tell her to consider this quote: “It is difficult to soar with eagles when you choose to live among turkeys”.</p>
<p>When my youngest was in junior high (not middle school, only 7th and 8th grades thank goodness) her father was very sick, and eventually died half way through her 8th grade year. We live in a small community, and I socialize with many of the moms I’ve met through school volunteer activities. Most of the moms happen to have boys in her class, so when it came to delivering dinners to help us out, the boys would approach my daughter and ask what kind of food she liked. It set off some very unseemly stuff amongst the mean girls, from them taunting her, to stealing gym clothes, to spreading rumors. Given her tumultuous home life, the mean girl stuff just meant nothing, and rolled off my daughters back. But to this day, I can’t understand how those girls can live with themselves. I can’t blame it on the moms, these ladies are so nice. And I know for a fact a few were trying so hard to deal with their daughters.</p>
<p>*the boys would approach my daughter and ask what kind of food she liked. It set off some very unseemly stuff amongst the mean girls, from them taunting her, *</p>
<p>How awful.</p>
<p>Girls target certain girls because of…</p>
<p>1) perception that boys are giving the girl attention.</p>
<p>2) perception that the girl is vulnerable/powerless</p>
<p>3) perception that the girl somehow makes them look/feel bad (maybe she’s a better student, athlete, musician, etc).</p>
<p>hard to believe this but it does seem to be the case at times…similar to what happened with Phoebe Prince–</p>
<p>my d talks now (1st yr in college) about how horrible most girls were in middle school, and how nurturing her college experience is. a tough time for sure. my 8th grade s had a party few weeks back and I could not believe how snooty and cold the girls were in my own home…really eye opening.</p>
<p>omg I still remember those years. some girls (esp. girls) are nasty at that age, I don’t understand why!! High school is a lot better for me. academic stress I can handle.</p>
<p>Exactly. Middle school (and even a bit of junior high) was the nastiest in terms of jealousy, hating, and uncontrolled, developing adolescent anger problems/bitterness. This is the reason I can’t stand kids, even as a fifteen-year-old myself.</p>
<p>Definitely don’t get involved with the other mom: that’s pretty obvious. This is a kids’ issue with each other from what I can see, and it should be up to them to resolve. So far, no one has crossed any legal borders, and it’s a part of almost every middle school career anyway.</p>
<p>Get your daughter to hang out with some nicer kids…get to know some new friends. These kind of people are best kept at arms’ length. Maybe if she does more amazing things and limits interaction, the other girl will even begin to respect your daughter.</p>
<p>ugh…such a tough age to begin with. Not too many girls this age really have a solid sense of who they are as they identify with their girl peers.
We went thru some issues with our oldest , and now again with our youngest.
I never got involved with the mothers whose daughters were mean to mine. I think it is better to try to let the girls work thru things , unless things get really serious. Kids need to learn how to resolve their conflicts without a parent always fixing things ( again , unless things become really serious )
I look forward to the end of middle school</p>
<p>I have a son in middle school and am counting the days…</p>
<p>As for the moms, I have found the kids much more willing to move on. So many things just “blew over” quickly, but I have talked with moms who still “can’t stand Suzie because she said something 5 years ago”. They need to get over it. (this was minor stuff, not serious bullying which would be a different story).</p>