middle school gossip problems

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Have you had to deal with it? How? </p>

<p>My D. comes back home from time to time gossips about her “friends”. I never really paid much attention. one girl could be her best friend one day, they even plan to travel overseas together! Then the other day she came back complained extensively about the same person. I kind of remember going through this so I thought it was kids problem, let them deal with it. Today my D. called this “friend” of hers. Apprently she thought they were in good terms, otherwise she wouldn’t have called. That girl’s mom answered the phone said “she didn’t want to talk to you anymore”. The mother said “I am tired of this and if it keeps going on I would have to go to school.” My D. was taken by surprise and cried… I was surprised at that mother’s words. I thought I wouldn’t get involved in kids business. but maybe since it’s middle school, we should take it more seriously? btw, both girls are very good staight A students, were in the same class since 2nd grade. now they’re in 7th grade, top class, top students. </p>

<p>Any suggestions? Thanks.
I don’t really know what’s the best way to talk to my d. about it. I told her igore the other girl for a while maybe it’ll settle down. but I’m not sure if this is a good advice to her…</p>

2

<p>It seems like they both get on each others nerves occasionally. I would just let the other girl cool off, have your D act casually, and remember to not get blinded. They obviously do not have the relationship that she thought they did. </p>

<p>When I was in middle school, I purposely tried to avoid getting involved in the high achieving crowd because I felt like they competed with each other too much and that got in the way of their friendship. Do you think that’s the case with your D and her “friend”? There was a thread about this in HSL where some people said that they felt their “friends” all secretly wanted them to “fail” or do worse than them because the competition was so fierce.</p>

<p>I also think it’s part of the “middle school” thing. Middle schoolers are cliquey, perhaps even more so than high schoolers. Your D will find her real friends soon; she’ll learn over time and develop better friendships :]</p>

<p>You can be social and have a lot of friends (life’s more fun that way!), but at the same time, you also have to be a careful judge and character and learn who to trust.</p>

3

<p>I think you were right in advising your daughter to give the other girl some space. Girls can be nasty to each other. </p>

<p>When my son was in middle school all of the girls and their parents had to go to a mandatory meeting because the cliques and gossiping etc had gotten so bad. I didn’t even realize it until much later and then when I asked my son he just rolled his eyes and said he didn’t get girls.</p>

4

<p>We had “friend” issues in middle school too. It wasn’t just a girl thing either. With my daughter, it was the clique-y issues. There were a lot of tears. She always had many friends and I would advise her to hang out with the kids who are nice to her. Two things helped - she started going to sleepaway camp in the summer (so she had her own friends separate from school) and she joined the track team. It was only for one year, but she met a whole group of other people and, even though she only ran that one year, this group remains her closest friends to this day.</p>

<p>With my S, the issues were different, but still ugly. And, still the same solution. He and another boy were both “leaders” - it was a problem of who was going to “rule the roost.” I advised my S to hang out with other kids where Z wouldn’t be an issue. His friendship with Z has been hot and cold since 5th grade. Same classes, same ECs. Z is better in some, my S is better in others. I think they still compete but not outwardly as far as I can tell. They are in HS now (9th grade) and I think they have come to a decent place, although they will never be as close with Z as he was in elementary school.</p>

<p>The lesson to teach is how to deal with people, even those you thought were your close friends. Sometimes they are and you can talk things out; sometimes, it just doesn’t work. It’s usually worth a shot. But mom and dad are always there for you (repeat several times!).</p>

5

<p>I don’t like middle school girls very much. I didn’t like them in middle school and I didn’t like them when my daughters were in middle school.</p>

<p>About the only thing I can say about middle school girls is that it does end…</p>

<p>Good luck to you. Some nastiness is unavoidable at that age, just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t turn into emotional bullying. The girls seem to be getting more emotionally aggressive by the decade, imho.</p>

6

<p>From the original post, it’s very difficult to figure out what’s going on. I’m not at all suggesting that the OP’s daughter is doing anything wrong, but I wonder if she’s in class with a group of girls with a very intense, mean girl dynamic going on that may be difficult to handle and that the other mother might be lashing out about, or if the other girl is scapegoating the OP’s daughter to her mother and who knows who else, or what.</p>

<p>The first thing I think I’d do is sit down with my D and ask her if she has any idea what this other mother is talking about. When the other mother says that if “this” keeps going on, she’s going to go tell the school, what is the “this”?</p>

<p>If the OP’s D and the other girl have been in class together for 5 years, does the OP know the other mother at all? If she has seemed to be a reasonable person up to this point, it might be worthwhile to call her (after a bit of a cooling off period) and ask her in as calm and non-defensive way as possible (given that she just threatened the OP’s daughter) to describe the problem. </p>

<p>If, on the other hand, this woman is a nut job and there’s a good chance that talking with her will just escalate the sitution, contact might not be such a great idea.</p>

<p>If the OP’s D has any sort of internet presence, facebook, what have you, this would be the moment to gain complete access and check it out. I would look at not only the D’s postings, but at the internet presence of the other girl as well. Also make sure that there’s no “We hate Courtney” kind of website for any of the girls in D’s group. </p>

<p>I would be pretty concerned and upset at the notion of another mother going to the school to complain about my child, particularly if I had no idea what the other mother was talking about. A parent threatening to do this might just be over-reacting to normal (but unpleasant) 7th grade girl stuff, and presumably the school would understand this and not think any worse of the OP’s D. But I would really want to have some idea of what this woman was so upset about, if there was a serious problem, if my child was about to be slandered to school administrators, if if if, before I let it go.</p>

<p>So sorry you and your D have to deal with this, Hisandher! And so glad my kids are all past middle-school age!</p>

7

<p>I would try to find out from my D what the other mom was upset about also. There seems to be something going on.</p>

<p>Around here, kids don’t call phones that parents would answer, they usually text or call to other kids’ cell phones!</p>

<p>Yeah, middle school can be a pain for girls. 9th grade wasn’t much better for either of my D’s socially, but after that things settled down nicely for D1, hopefully will for D2 also.</p>

8

<p>Thanks for all the comments. Yes I do feel the other mother’s reaction was strange. At least now I know it’s not just me. It’s also comforting to know this middle school frustration will be over! Sometimes I feel I’ve had enough. yet there might be another couple years…</p>

<p>Yes I know the mother of the other girl. There were some strange things I heard from my D. for several years, but every time I saw her and talked to her, she seemed to be nice. One interesting thing is, when they were ready for six grade, I had a math study group with six kids, including this girl. (I’m a science person in a college, like to be with kids at all ages). Her mom always came with her to the study group. I didn’t think much about it at the time, the mother said she wanted to learn some math also. Now looking back, maybe she was afraid her d. was in a bad hand? She also did not allow her d. to go to a camp the school organized, which lasted one week, saying she didn’t feel comfortable to have her d. leaving home that long. </p>

<p>Anyway, she seems to be a nice person, except for these behaviors which are kind of strange to me. people are different, I don’t like to judge others, but this thing hurt my stomach and started to have different views about her. I don’t want to over react. will let it sit for a while, maybe she had a bad day or something. </p>

<p>Thanks all. It’s nice to have a place to talk and get some suggestions.</p>

9

<p>I’m going to blunt.</p>

<p>Get a grip. You are the adult. Call this other mother, without judgement, and say, “This is what my daughter told me. I want to be sure we’re all on the same page. How can we help the girls get past this?”</p>

<p>Maybe she’ll be rude, maybe she’ll want to talk, maybe she’ll decide you’re crazy and tell everyone. Who cares? Be the parent that is straight forward, does not gossip and does not tolerate it in her own child. It is a gift beyond measure. My parents gave it to me and I’ve given it to my son. </p>

<p>When I see how much time is wasted on gossip and speculation, I weep for future generations. Make the choice to rise above this, not wallow in it.</p>

10

<p>I second pugmadkate! Don’t be a weenie. Pick up and call this parent. Also, tell D, “look, if there was a video camera on and it recorded you at your worst, what would the film be showing me? I’d rather hear it from you than from other kids and other kid’s parents.” </p>

<p>One good friend taught middle school and has repeatedly said “there is nothing meaner than an 8th grade girl.” You may be shocked at what you hear about your darling D and further shocked at how defiantly she denies things. But better to know and to gently (but firmly) inform her that she will not be doing things that way again. If she needs to apologize, insist upon it. </p>

<p>If the other parent goes off the deep end, then insist that you and she meet with the principal/ counselor. Don’t let your D’s embarrassment stop that meeting. Your willingness to meet and discuss sends the clear message that we don’t just sit on the sidelines and wring our hands. We take steps to clear the air and to see what can be done to improve the situation. Invite other parent to email updates and further concerns to you (email, so if she is a wing nut, then you’ll have it in print). </p>

<p>Many cities offer negotiation or resolution technique classes. You can sign yourself and D up and go learn together a number of approaches that will help the two of you navigate the teen years together. </p>

<p>If this is to the point that the other parent is speaking up about it, then you need to be involved. You need to understand what is a foot. We don’t need another Phoebe Prince (The fifteen year old who was bullied and eventually committed suicide). If your daughter doesn’t know about Phoebe, search the news and read the articles with her. The students who did the bullying have now been charged with an assortment of charges. No kid in your school wants to be in those shoes. Your D may be on the perimeter of something bigger and nastier and you need to find that out!</p>

11

<p>I am so glad middle school is over. This type of stuff went on all the time. It does seem to end in highschool…thank goodness.</p>

12

<p>When your D is on the “outs” with that girl or anyone, I’d advise her to avoid contact of any kind (facebook, text, etc.) These mean girls are so smart that they can get their enemies in serious trouble with the school.</p>

<p>Example: A middle school girl had habit of giving her friends little “slaps” (more like pats) on the cheek. Probably irritating, but not harmful. One girl got mad at her for some entirely different reason and reported a previous slap/pat as assault and the girl was suspended for a week.</p>

<p>Another example: A different middle school mean girl was harrassing/stalking a boy she liked…as in calling him 20 times a night, etc. She stopped the boy in the hall and made some scene…after the boy got rid of her, he murmered to his friend “if she doesn’t stop that I’m going to kill her…” The mean stalker girl overheard that…complained of a death threat…the boy was sent to the alternative school for six weeks.</p>

<p>The mean kids are aware of the zero tolerance policies that some schools have and they use it to get other kids in big trouble.</p>

13

<p>from an 18-year-old girl’s perspective…primary school was the absolute worst for me, personally. that’s when the girls in my district were the fakest, & i was also bullied a little bit. by middle school, i knew who i did & didn’t want to hang around with, for the most part. high school is still a little frustrating because, unless you are really lucky, there will still be some fakers around. as a girl, you just have to separate yourself from the problems, wait it out, & figure out who you are & what you want out of life, so you can get there faster once you’re older. i have been through my fair share of hardships/friend problems/family problems…trust me, the sooner you get to know yourself, the better you will be for it, in the long run. for example, because my dad has always been verbally abusive, i know what i absolutely do NOT want in a friend [now] or husband [later]. it’s just a matter of knowing yourself & being in control of your life. hope this helped.</p>

14

<p>It’s OK for your daughter to “vent” to her own mother about issues with friends, but she needs to understand that a friend does not gossip about her friends, and a person of character does not treat other people harshly. Reading the Phoebe Prince-related articles with her and talking about some of the issues raised would be one way to initiate this conversation,</p>

15

<p>Middle school is just awful with the mean-girl emotional bullying, so glad it’s over.</p>

<p>I agree though, given that the other mom called your daughter out, I’d first really challenge my daughter about what it’s about telling her that I’m going to phone the other mom about it and then do just that.</p>

16

<p>You need to call the mom…but first…</p>

<p>Talk to your D and insist that she HONESTLY tell you what’s been going on with this girl and/or the group that they hang out with.</p>

<p>You can’t assume that your D hasn’t also been participating in some mean girl behavior. Yes, honor students engage in mean girl behavior, too. </p>

<p>Tell your D that you need to know the truth NOW, because you don’t want to have egg on your face when you call the mom to clear the air. The last thing you want is to have to hear from this lady that your D said or did something unsavory, which will leave you speechless. You need to first hear your D’s side of the story (as honestly as she can tell you), so you know the facts when you call.</p>

17

<p>Thank you all! It really needs patience to deal with middle school girls, let me tell you!</p>

18

<p>I would be very cautious in my interactions with the other mom. When my D had “mean girl” problems in middle school (all the girls were being mean to one another in their own ways), the girls worked it out themselves and are still close friends years later. However, the mother of one of the girls decided my D was the trouble-maker and for years after would “warn” other parents about her to keep her from getting invited to parties etc. She went out of her way to gossip about my D, and although most people ignored her because what she said didn’t ring true, it was very hurtful. My D was much more withdrawn and socially cautious for a long time because of it. Sometimes the parents are worse than the kids. As others have said, middle school is the worst - high school was paradise in comparison.</p>

19

<p>yes, a lot of the times the girls at this age switch around who is being mean to who. As I used to say to my daughters, “Everyone gets a turn in the box at this age. It’s a horrible age, but it will end.”</p>

<p>However, there are always one or two girls who NEVER get a turn in the box, and you can rest assured thier mothers didn’t either. I’d be careful about talking to the mom…at this age all mom’s believe THIER daughter is the one who is the victim…which might be true on Monday, anyway…but if I felt as if she might go to the school, I’d just make a preemptive strike and give the teacher or guidance counselor a call and say, “There seems to be some of the usual yuckiness going on, but I’m just checking in to make sure it’s all at the “normal” level…” blah, blah, blah. </p>

<p>Of course, this is just my opinion and may be completely bad advice depending on your school or your child.</p>

20

<p>haha, this just reminded me…my friend’s little sister [junior] apparently got screamed at & called a “little b****” by another girl’s mom at her OWN birthday party, a few weeks ago. apparently, the mom had misunderstood a petty argument between her own daughter & my friend’s sister & decided to set that 16-year-old girl straight on her birthday, ■■■■■. maybe some mean girls really do turn in to “those” moms D:</p>