<p>An iPad is a tool, not an enemy. It is only a means to remain connected to others. I like that you now see how much more social your DD3 is than your others. Just imagine how hard it must be for an extrovert who needs interaction with people to live in a houseful of people that are more introverted and do not need that same interaction. She must be lonely at times. If her grades are good and her behavior is otherwise what you expect, I would not battle over her iPad use. Encourage live interaction as well as electronic and monitor who her friends are but don’t come between them unless there is a bigger issue than simply the amount of time spent. We live in a connected world and I would be more concerned about a child that was uncomfortable with all that, than one that embraces it. </p>
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<p>What a powerful observation. How true. As for writing, I can’t envision creating, at home, an environment where it is “writing time”" or something like that. It has to come from the heart and soul, as it does with DD2 who fills notebooks with stories/diaries/reflections and so forth. </p>
<p>All three of my daughters are so completely different; with DD1 and DD2 I was much better and recognizing their strengths, and helping them to make their dreams possible. I have learned so much about DD3 here; observations here have really opened my mind.</p>
<p>I think I exaggerated about reading from 8:30 -10:30. DD2 is already reading. DD3 knows she reads at 8:30 (Blood of the Olympians I think it is now) and lights out around 10, maybe a little later.</p>
<p>The iPad doesn’t have a password, and if you remember having a very speedy crafty 10 year old, she CAN sneak away with it! It was a gift for my husband’s milestone 60th birthday! (We adopted our three girls from China when we were older). There is no password; no, can’t take it away. But I have learned here how it is helping her learn social skills and engage in problem solving situations , negotiations, and indeed she uses it to do homework (I don’t know what or how), and for Chinese homework (alas, the computer makes it possible to look things up so that you end up with "short cuts and not doing the work yourself).</p>
<p>But just popped up to skim and say thank you. Very early. Off to Chinese school. Will read posts carefully later today. Thanks for contributing.</p>
<p>Cheeringforum, we just cross posted. Your post exemplified how the posts here have enlightened me and shown me how to understand my DD3. Believe me, I am/never was “down” on her, but yes, a bit of a nag about the iPad and reading. My love for her is unconditional. As for grades, the recent report card had a 96.33 average and a 99 in English. I need a scolding.</p>
<p>No scolding intended, or necessary. You just needed more of an understanding of your child. I commend any parent that seeks that understanding. Kids don’t come with instructions, even though each works differently, after all. :-? </p>
<p>Your IPad doesnt have a password, but that doesn’t mean it CAN’T have one set. Get the thing and find out.</p>
<p>And if this is a TEN year old we are talking about here…then I totally agree with MiamiDAP (and that seldom happens). This kid needs to be outside, doing other things like music or dance or whatever interests her (I personally think the arts are important…but if your kid likes math or science, there certainly are things she could be doing). </p>
<p>She is TEN…she is a preteen by several years. </p>
<p>And she doesn’t need the use of an IPad…AT ALL at this point. Not at all.</p>
<p>And if the Ipad doesn’t belong to her (was a gift to DH), and she took it without asking and without permission, why is this allowed? Am also confused, as a week or so ago in the other thread, wasn’t this same DD3 said to be 12, then 11 at the beginning of this thread, and now 10? Not asking to be challenging, but rather that reading expectations and bedtimes and such would differ for a 10 yr old vs a 12 yr old.</p>
<p>English professor here. I want to assure you that when it comes to reading AND writing, the essential difference I see between good students and poor-to-average ones is a passion for reading. WHAT they’re reading matters very little. When I first started teaching, the best students were all Stephen King fanatics. Today, they love YA fantasy. Those are the students who write well and can read anything I throw at them, from Gatsby to James Joyce.</p>
<p>I caution you against any changes that might turn reading into a chore, or something that’s “good for” her (the way kale is good for her). At her age, she faces a crucial juncture: when students continue reading or drop it entirely. My wife the high school English teacher can you some very sad stories about students who could have been a lot more successful if they had moade a different choice.</p>
<p>If there is an advantage to reading 19th century literature, it is developing the ability to handle a different vocabulary and more complicated syntax. But that can wait. I went to grad school with students who had devoured Jane Austen and all the Brontës before ninth grade. I was personally reading Heinlein, Asimov, and Clark during those years, yet by the time I was an adult I was at no disadvantage.</p>
<p>What you might do is validate your D’s experience. Read some of her books yourself. Talk about them with her. Share the joy, and she might start to read more.</p>
<p>Kids like to have the latest electronics- but we have to be the parents. Drives me batty when people use their younger kids’ wishes as justification for stepping back. Plus, present savvy is saying the kinds of interactions they have with friends online are not the sort needed for solid development. Ahem, as we ourselves can see on CC. </p>
<p>That said, when mine were in middle school, I was astounded at the uncontrolled language and thoughts from some little sweethearts- and I’m no prude. Interesting teaching moment. </p>
<p>I am not a parent, but certain things about your daughter seem similar to my own experience, so I wanted to share. </p>
<p>I was not a reader. Although I loved school and did exceptionally well, I was not into reading, unlike the other top kids in my class. </p>
<p>My parents are avid readers (an actual floor to ceiling book case the length of wall in a two bedroom apartment). They wanted me to read, and they did try mandatory reading times, like you are doing, and, honestly, I think all it did for me was make me detest reading even more. Being forced to do something for me just makes me want to do it less. </p>
<p>All this when I was much younger. By high school and even end of middle school, there was no more mandatory reading time. But I still didn’t care for reading. It made me feel kind of bad/embarrassed that I didn’t like reading, like all my friends, but it didn’t change my attitude. Same with college. </p>
<p>Then, when I was out of college and started working, I asked for a Kindle (not to tablet kind - just for reading), expecting just to use it a few times a year, and something clicked for me. It was easier to read on it, and for me it was a more pleasant experience than a book. Also, by this time, it was completely my decision what and when to read. There was no pressure from parents/friends/school, and I started reading! That first year I read over 40 books. By the way, the Percy Jackson series was among them, and I was in my 20’s, but it was fun, and what keeps me reading is reading what I want to read. </p>
<p>I think forcing someone to read is the wrong way to go. It may take your daughter a while to come around (or maybe she just won’t be a big reader), but whatever happens, it has to come from her. Otherwise, chances are, you’ll just push her away from it more. And if she does want to read, at least encourage her to read what SHE wants. </p>
<p>Just like I think you have already, I think you really need to just take a step back and really appreciate how great your daughter is. She’s doing great in school, she has a great group of friends (and it sounds like she’s always willing to help others), and she’s reading quite a bit. She’s not going to be you, but that’s okay. A lot of the above posters have given good suggestions to encourage her to read more, but there’s a chance that she will never have the love of reading that you do. And that’s really okay. You gained a lot from reading a lot, but not everyone will. There are a lot of ways to become a wonderful, well-educated, thoughtful person, and it sounds like your daughter is well on her way to getting there with or without reading the “classics” you want her to read all day. Make sure books are readily available, and encourage her to read what she likes. But the more you try to force it on her, the less she will enjoy it.</p>
<p>I liked the idea another poster had about having a time in the afternoon (not a tremendously long time–I would only do half an hour or maybe an hour) where everyone reads, including you, you husband, and your other daughters. Electronics go away for everyone. But it does sound like she’s reading quite a bit, at school and at home, so this may not be necessary. </p>
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<p>This is completely ridiculous. Every iPad can have a password on it. You just have to set a password. Look it up online or have someone show you how to do it. And yes, she can take the iPad from you–a two-year-old could do that–but you’re her mother. If you don’t want her to have the iPad, then take it back. If you don’t want her to use it all afternoon, then set limits on it and enforce them. You’re acting like you’re helpless, but that’s just ridiculous. You’re her parents, you can set whatever rules you want to. If you don’t want her looking up things on her homework, then have a no electronics work rule during homework time. If you want her off the iPad, then limit screen time so she has to figure out other ways to keep herself occupied. The iPad does not rule your household. You do.</p>
<p>Do I think the iPad is a battle worth fighting? Not really, but it’s your house and you can set whatever rules you want to.</p>
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<p>I think this is the more worrisome problem than how much or what she’s reading. She needs to be able to live without the iPad without throwing a tantrum, just like every child needs to learn to stop throwing tantrums. Don’t give into her when she throws a tantrum. Perhaps, you can have rules that the iPad stays at home so that when she’s out and about she’s not taking it everywhere with her. Give her other things to do. Have her help around the house or put her in after-school activities where she’s doing something other than stay on the iPad all day. Limit her time on the iPad gradually. The more she does other things without the iPad, the less traumatic it will be when it gets taken away. Of course, she’s going to resist having her iPad taken away, but she needs to figure out other ways to deal with it than throwing a tantrum.</p>
<p>“English professor here. I want to assure you that when it comes to reading AND writing, the essential difference I see between good students and poor-to-average ones is a passion for reading”
-Did not apply to my D. Here I go with bragging and I know that I will be called names, but I do not know how else to prove my point. D. was not just a good student. The girl did not have a single B from K thru graduation from college. She was #1 in her private HS (the most rogorous in our area) and she graduated as a top pre-med from UG (received an award at graduation, otherwise we would not know). She was reading before HS, not 2 hours/day, she never had time for that, tons of ECs. But at least she was reading. HS killed reading as an entertainment for her.<br>
On the other hand, she was a great writer at all levels. her writing skills were helping her thru academia tremendously, including Med. School. Having very busy schedule, she developed the ability to write in her head and then just type it up when she has a chance. The amount of work she did in HS English was still great because the paper was never up to her standards, she would re-write continuosly until I scream that enough is enough.<br>
Any way, while her verbal / reading sections were her lowest score and anything connected to wiriting the highest score in standardized tests (ACT score difference between reading and English was wooping 7 points - 28/35), it was evident that her reading never dragged her down while writing has pushed her grades higher in every class. Looking back, if she was an avid reader, she would never have time to write as much as she did before college. Come college - Honors English was complete waste of time, very easy A and constant complaining about requirement of reading tons of very boring books. She likes to be challenged, this class did not measure up. </p>
<p>But Miami…your daughter DID enjoy reading. I’m not sure why you are saying she did NOT. </p>
<p>And her #1 class rank at the most prestigious private school in your area has no bearing whatsoever on this thread. None. That is that bragging thing. We all remember that! It’s on every post you make…well almost every post.</p>
<p>Back to the OP. The parent needs to start parenting…and this includes ground rules for certain things. It also means encouraging other activities besides using an iPad all the time as a 10, 11, or 12 year old…depending on which post you choose to believe. </p>
<p>As Miami note earlier…kids this age should be outside. They should be pursuing ECs they enjoy. They should be doing things with their friends.</p>
<p>And I’ll add…they should be getting a reasonable amount of sleep.</p>
<p>To the OP, another option would be to turn your internet off in your house at 8:30 or 9:00 in the evening. Unless this IPad has 4g, this would curtail the usage of it.</p>
<p>I was the meanie beanie of the bunch here. Our kids had no electronics in their bedrooms through high school. There were two family computers they were welcome to use…neither in their bedrooms. Neither kid had a smart phone in high school. They didn’t have TVs in their rooms either. </p>
<p>Smart phones didn’t exist when my kids were in HS. My kids had different bedtime and sleeping habits, and are several (4) years apart in age so didn’t share a bedroom. Wasn’t fair to expect lights out for older s if he had a lot of HW and younger s needed to go to bed. If the OP’s oldest dau is away at college, as reported elsewhere, if I were the OP I’d give the 16 yr old her own bedroom, which allows for firmer limits on the 6th grader/10-11-12 year old (not quite clear of her age). Well, actually they’d each have their own bedroom. Doubling up can be reserved for holidays or when oldest dau is home. </p>
<p>And way back when, if one of the kids got on the computer when they weren’t supposed to, we just took the keyboard. This was before tablets.</p>
<p>My son was rarely interested in reading novels. He seldom read a book, unless it was something he really wanted to, like a new Harry Potter. And he loved (still loves) the internet. But now, at almost 21, he is more articulate than most, has no trouble reading and absorbing whatever he needs or wants to. And he’s the guy who always has the answers when we watch Jeopardy. I’m frankly surprised. And he still doesn’t read a lot, except the internet. Go figure.</p>
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<p>Yes, sorry If I’m being repetitive, but the children’s librarian and DD3 has a casual 4 pm appt on Tues where the chidden’s librarian will show her where the the books she is interested in reading are located, and using her great talent as a children’s librarian, talk casually to her about the value of reading. I recognize now that it has to be low-key.</p>
<p>JYS, thank you for your fascinating post. I will be sure to follow it as time and development take place with DD3.</p>
<p>To clarify for jym626 (how nice to see yu ) DD# got her hands on the iPad when she was 10. She is now 11. She will turn 12 on Dec. 15. Does this help explain?</p>
<p>Cheeringmom, I won’t quote your post, but it it is most on target.</p>
<p>I and my husband are going to set llmits on iPad usage time. Reading time doesn’t need to excess 1 1/2 hrs. A lot. But we must introduce other activities; she goes ever Tues to art club; but she will not accompany me on a daily walk with the dog; I don’t feel confident but I will try to engage her in this. She shows no interest in drawing or painting or crafts; I don’t know if I should encouge, or if these things don’t need to enter the picture. I feel a little embarrassed saying this, but I feel like I must identify myself as a “helicopter parent” because her GPA was 96.33 and her ELA score was 99%. BUT the iPOD hours are excessive at the expensive of other outlets; She is definitely not interested in soccer; dance; martial arts; arts programs etc. She is social. I think, the bottom line is, DH and I should limt the IPad time, and with her ow gifts, anticipate she will find other outlets for time (espiallly the kind the kind of books she LIKES at the library. Just as an aside, without any prompting, she begins her Chinese School homework independent of my nagging on Thurs pm, finishes to all on Fri pm, and fills her Chinese School backpack. I never have to check her. </p>
<p>Yes , I recognize that I have had unrealistic expectations from DD3, and this thread has helped me to set limits to theIPad addiction, while at the same same time recognizing the benefits she is gaingig thprugh social discourse interaction n with intelligent pears. </p>
<p>I’m not a parent (I have 12 years of experience as an aunt! But I was a minor for most of that time), and perhaps I’m old fashioned, but it does not seem to me that an 11 year old needs an iPad.* TBH, no one needs an iPad, though for some professionals they may be very convenient. 11 year olds are not professionals. If you don’t want her to use the iPad, take it away. Give it a password that only you and your husband know. Set whatever limit you think it appropriate. Stick to the limit and don’t use screentime as a bargaining tool to get her to do things you want.</p>
<p>*My niece has had an iPad for over 2 years now. I think it’s ridiculous. People my age (early 20s) who had gameboys and similar toys when they were young would probably disagree. </p>
<p>I’m not sure I would,view accompanying you on a daily walk with the dog HER activity. It would be nice if she went with you every so often, but really, I can’t imagine a preteen who would want to do this everyday.</p>
<p>She has a 96+ GPA. At this point, why not help her explore activities that are of interest to HER instead of activities that are of interest to YOU. She is more likely to become enthusiastic about something she really likes. And try to help,her find something that is fun. She goes to regular school five days a week…then goes to Chinese school on Saturdays…more homework. I understand wanting to help her maintain a connection to her birth heritage, but really, I also understand why she may not love this. it’s just more school.</p>
<p>Look for other things for her to try…get input from her. What are her friends doing? Dance, music, horseback riding, drama, gardening, art, sports? What? Let her have some say in these activities. It sounds like the only thing she has gotten to choose is the IPad. No wonder she likes it! It was HER choice.</p>
<p>OK, so it sounds like the only organized activity she does is a brief art club once a week. That doesn’t seem like much. It may not be happening quite yet, but I suspect that soon she will find that all those friends are too busy with activities to spend much time ipad-ing with her and she will be kind of left on her own if she chooses not to be a joiner. </p>
<p>It sounds like she is not getting any exercise. In the interest of her health, I would require her to pick a sport to play or else get some exercise on her own. I wouldn’t assume that school PE is enough. </p>
<p>And, get her to join some more activities. Whatever interests her. If she says nothing interests her, find out what her friends are doing and ask her to choose one activity that she could join with a friend. I can understand that she cares more about her friends than about the activity, but if her friends are doing it she will most likely find it tolerable and perhaps discover something she enjoys. If she’s social she might enjoy something working with people.</p>
<p>I’m going to assume that having her own bedroom is not possible, because it’s pretty obvious that kids who need such different bedtimes should not be sharing a room if another room is available. But why can’t the older kid leave the bedroom to her at bedtime and come in to the bedroom after she is asleep and get to sleep quietly? Surely she can be in the family room for an hour or two after her sister goes to sleep or if she’s reading in bed also, it might work for her to use one of those LED headlamps when her sister goes to sleep. </p>
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<p>thumper and all the recent posters here have hit on the heart of the problem. Two years in a row, during DD3s annual physical, the pediatrician talked about the importance of exercise–he says she needs an hour a day. After school sports (at least track and soccer) become available for the Middle School students at 7th grade, so I am hoping she takes an interest in one or both. But she has not wanted to join any of the Town-sponsored sports events and of course I can’t force her.</p>
<p>She took twice-weekly kung fu lessons with DD1 for over three years, and has stopped for about two years now. DD1 went so far as to achieve a black belt, but DD3–who had beautiful poise and learned everything very quickly–simply said she doesn’t want to go anymore. DD2 takes a piano lesson weekly; DD3 is not interested. No interest in gymnastics (two friends go), no interest in dance. But by no means is she a “dull” child. She is eager to go to school; on her report card, in the space for teachers’ comments, almost each teacher wrote “good class participation”; if she has a social studies or ELA essay to submit, her’s is lengthy and well done. She makes double-sure that her math and Chinese are accurate and goes to DD2 if she needs help. </p>
<p>Funny that I forgot this: she DOES have one other outside activity: it’s a club on Fri eve 4-5 pm…on the computer game Minecraft!!! She plays Minecraft at home a lot. It seems a complete waste of time. I show her the brochures of activities sponsored by the Town and the Library but she doesn’t want to attend any of them.</p>
<p>But this is getting tedious; I don’t want listeners to be struggling for ideas anymore. Yes of course I can set limits on the iPad usage and I will, but there’s still this big gap of afternoon time to fill and I am at a loss as to how to help her fill her time. The focal point about the iPad is that she’s amazingly social and popular with peers and teachers and the iPad is the outlet to her friends.</p>
<p>One thing comes to mind, and people might have suggestions here or show me some tools to find what I’m looking for: there must be websites that are fun for kids her age that TEACH at the same time. Things like math games; problem-solving games. Anything on the web that has an enrichment component, unlike this Minecraft. DD2 has found sites like this for her interest in French. Actually, DD2 might know exactly how to search for sites like the ones I’m imagining; I can enlist her help. </p>
<p>I’m so glad she that French will start in 7th grade. DD2 is so avid, DD3 might follow her lead. And afterschool sports begin. </p>
<p>(baktrax, I know you can put a password on a computer or iPad; DD3s doesn’t have one and I don’t know how to set one, but it doesn’t matter because limits will be set and we will observe them.)</p>
<p>Two funny things to relate: On Fri I took DD2 to info session/tour at a very selective NE LAC. In the waiting room were three parents/three daughters. Five of the people were staring at the Smartphone he/she was holding in his/her lap. I still have a flip phone and don’t know how to text (don’t have that kind of phone anyway.) I couldn’t help it–I said outloud–Notice how almost everyone is using an iPhone. Everyone laughed and returned to the iPhone. I asked the father next to me, Where are you from? New Jersey. He didn’t ask me, where are YOU from. Just went back to the iPhone.</p>
<p>Our tour guide was amazing. Managed to recite his accomplishments without sounding bragging. But he said that the first thing he did when he got to school as a Freshman was take out his…cassette? Game? Something electronic that you need a TV set for. He said he and his roomate hooked up the game to the Common Room TV set–a big screen–and within hours everyone on the dorm floor was in the Common Room playing (or watching the game.)</p>
<p>Bravo to you thumper. Doesn’t sound like you were a meanie at all. DD3s friends have phones but we will absolutely not let her have one. DD2 and DD3 watch no TV (DD1 likes crime shows). I was raised in the 60s and believe it or not my parents let me watch ONE half-hour show a week. I watched The Monkees.</p>
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If OP had room to possibly consider having to take in her mom, based on past discussions, it sounds like there is room to move the daus into separate bedrooms.</p>