<p>jym626 remembers that my mother, on first viewing the house we bought about 6 years ago, peered into a downstairs bedroom and said “Oh that’s my room.” This room is now our music room. On one side is DD2s electric piano–a Yamaha, a good one with weighted keys. On the other side of the room is DD2s guzheng - a 20-something stringed Chinese table harp. To hear/see one look up guzheng on Youtube. It is a VERY old instrument and is very beautiful. We have to drive an hour to the teacher but are lucky to have her; all the rest are in Flushing (Queens).</p>
<p>Anyway, DD2 wants the light out even before DD3. Lights out varies from 10 - 10:30 and sharing a room is not a problem. They both read in bed from about 8:30 on.</p>
<p>The reason I came back to the thread was just to mention that the tantrums/vomiting events are way, way, over, years ago. I mentioned them early on because they were so shocking at the time. What she does now is procrastinate when her time is up. It usually takes three nagging reminders before she turns it off. She has said occasionally she is “doing her homework” on the iPad and I should have taken a look to see exactly what she was doing. I don’t think she would lie. Can you do homework on an iPad? Next time she says that I am going to ask her to show me and explain the assignment, etc. </p>
<p>OP do you realize how all this can sound? You say she has friends, is liked, is dong brilliantly in school, is basically a good kid- but you’re still focusing on how to improve an 11 year old. When parents start threads about their 8th graders, many posters respond that it’s all too much, too soon. This young girl has time to be perfected.</p>
<p>I doubt most of us count out an hour of any specific physical activity. We let them play, walk places, breathe fresh air, hang out at some mall. Give her time to develop her own non-academic drives. Not all are interested in organized sports- though we can ask them to try one. Many don’t want to walk the dog with Mom for their personal balance or growth. They want to make some choices for themselves. They are trying to learn, on their own, who they are and how to make their own choices.</p>
<p>Take a breath. Take time to listen to her. I doubt you need to take a top girl and find her ways to “TEACH” her more than good friendships, age-appropriate responsibilities, and down time can, at this age. From your own words, it doesn’t sound like she’s in crisis. She’s just “at an age.” I believe any tantrums and blow-back will abate, when we balance our parent jobs with their own needs.</p>
<p>And do things as a family, away from home, responsibilities, commitments, lessons. Do this purely for the bonding and fun- many times, these are they ways we guide them, the times when we aren’t seeking to polish or perfect or teach or refine. Plus, one thing we do need to show them- all through high school- is how we ourselves breathe. Best of luck. </p>
<p>Apologies but no, I have absolutely no memory of the music room issue/ comment by mom from many years ago. What I recall is a recent discussion of possibly having to move mom into your home rather than AL/NH which we all advised against. So, if mom didn’t move in and oldest dau is in college, isn’t it possible to give the other 2 their own rooms? How many bedrooms are there in the home? JMO, but if there is space to allow 2 sibs who are 4-5 years apart in age to have their own personal space (bedroom) this would be good for both of them. </p>
<p>Yes you can force her. You are the parent…she is the child. </p>
<p>In our house, both kids were required to do one sport a YEAR (note…not a season…a year) their choice…starting in middle school. Neither of my kids is particularly sports inclined but they did what we asked. In middle school both did cross country because it was a short season and was over by the end of October. </p>
<p>In high school, DS did tennis (we live near a Raquet club, and he took lessons in the summer and was on the tennis team in the spring for two years). When tennis practice time was changed from after school to 5:00, he joined the ski club and went skiing once or twice a week.</p>
<p>In HS, DD was on the swim team all four years. And so were all of her school friends. She also skied, but on weekends. </p>
<p>AND we required both to play an instrument of their choice…no discussion. We didn’t car if it was the bongos…but it was something we asked them to do, and they did it. Our kids also happened to love music and it was their most significant EC…period.</p>
<p>Your kid should be looking at SCHOOL sports at this point. There are usually many to choose from, and many don’t have tryouts. What are her friends doing? That usually drives the 10, 11, 12 year old decision.</p>
<p>Stop being a wimp. Set some boundaries.</p>
<p>And I agree…it sounded like your house had plenty of bedrooms for each girl to have their own room. This might be worth considering…after this DD3 starts her sport!</p>
<p>ETA…yes, you can access the Internet on the iPad. So she can look for information. Unless she has her own iTunes account, she cannot download any games or the like. I’m sure there are webbased games she can access. If she has her own iTunes account, how is that being funded?</p>
<p>the key here, dharma, your DAUHGTER needs to actually choose the activity. You sent the boundaries (you must pick a sport…which one will it be) and she picks. It sounds like YOU have been doing the picking. Let go of this. It is DD’s choice but you can set the guidelines. That is what parents DO.</p>
<p>Start looking for an overnight summer camp for this coming summer…see if you can find several to choose from. They all require physical activity…even the music camps. </p>
<p>Imo, overnight camp is worth saving for. One of our harder challenges can be separating ourselves, our own likes and needs, and our own histories, from who our kids really are. They feel it and press back. We walk a fine line. Camp doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive or have any “educational” component. Our kids don’t need to win awards or praise from every activity, they do not need to be Type A- not for themselves and certainly not for our bragging rights. They need to be kids, in different ways, at different ages.</p>
So how old was she when she took DH’s ipad?? IIRC you said he got it for his 60th b’day, about 2 yrs ago. So did she take it and tantrum when she was 8? An 8 or even 9 yr old should not have control of an ipad, IMO.</p>
<p>I was out for dinner with friends last night and at the next table was a mother with 2 teenage sons (am guessing maybe 14 and 15) . Each sat with their nose in a handheld tablet of some sort. Mom sat there by herself. No conversation. Was really kinda sad.</p>
<p>And from the op:
5 hours a day? Is that for real?? Can’t see how thats possible, given the parameters described, with reading time and bedtime and such, unless possibly the 2 hrs of bedtime reading is on the ipad. Even then, 5 hrs a day on the ipad? If that is real that is way excessive if its just fooling around. Now of course the rule doesnt apply to us adults who spend way too much time on our ipads :)</p>
<p>Another concern is that evidently the OP doesn’t have much idea what her child does in those 5 hours a day on the ipad. I am skeptical that the ipad is so necessary for schoolwork but the parent didn’t know. If a class required substantial net access or computer usage, this would in our school be clearly communicated to parents, generally on forms they need to sign and return. Is there online access to textbooks? (That is also communicated directly to parents in our school). Also, in my experience, the ipad is much slower than a regular computer for getting anything done–typing is awkward, web pages load slowly etc. So why not use the family computer for her work?</p>
<p>I suspect the actual requirement for the ipad to do her homework is pretty minimal and she just said that to avoid having it taken away. I would sit down with her tomorrow and say, show me what assignments you are doing today on the ipad and how it’s helping you.</p>
<p>I tell you for real, jym626 and I are old friends, and I KNEW when I typed this morning about how far back the tantrums were, my friend jym would see the time gap and point it out. I am gleeful.</p>
<p>Yes, the tantrums were when she was about 7-8 or so…it was when she was (over)using our Apple G4 laptop. It was before DH got the iPad over two years ago. It took both of us–DH and me–to hold her down and pry her fingers off the laptop one by one to get her to let go of it, and it was not easy. Then kicking on the floor and crying and choking that lead to vomiting. It happened twice. But eventually she stopped crying.</p>
<p>Thumper, your children must have been very compliant, or you must have had super persuasive skills as a parent; my first two I realize now were/are very compliant girls and DD3 is simultaneously very pleasing and sweet and extremely polite to teachers, knows how to behave and participate and share and is a delightful child. Every child in her class is a friend, also at Chinese School. She is in 6th grade. But fundamentally her character is a new thing to me–extremely willful and must learn now, before it is too late, how to negotiate.By willfull, I will give you an example. About two years ago, we went to Dunkin Donuts and the girls and I had something to eat and drink. Then it was time to go. DD3 said she wanted “x”. I said no; it was time to go. She got so angry and made such a fuss that I had to drag her out of the bldg like you would drag a rug; she wouldn’t stand, and she cried all the way home. Now, don’t tell me she needs therapy. This happened ONCE. But this is how deep her willfulness can be.</p>
<p>It’s true I’ve allowed her too much device time but I hate to raise my voice and nothing else worked unless I put it in a place she could not reach and she would cry. But for two days we have downsized the iPad time successfully and picked out several science fiction books at the library yesterday and she spent more time reading today. In height, she has shot up over the year and will be the tallest of the three; is in fact now taller than me; and I have seen signs of growing maturity in her in several ways, including agreeing yesterday to setting limits to the iPad time. </p>
<p>But to return back to the willfulness, if I were to tell her, here are the summer sports offered at the rec center–pick one–she would refuse, nothing I can do would persuade her. OMG! I completely forgot, she is taking band at school and does take out her flute and practice. Sorry about that. </p>
<p>The problem I realize is with me. I have to be more inventive and we have set time limits. /School sports and foreign language at our school , as I mentioned earlier, don’t start till 7th grade.</p>
<p>Thank you, acolllegestudent, for sharing about your experience.</p>
<p>If anyone’s interested in the house/bedroom situation, it is a little bit interesting. This house was build in 1938–built to order for a family with three girls. Almost the entire top floor is one huge, huge bedroom that the designer build as the customer wished–for the three girls. There is a long, quaint window seat on one side, and on the other a darling shelf with three “pop-ups” which open up to grooming mirrors (we don’t use them…I guess the intention was for the girls to brush their hair…maybe even apply make-up?) A master bedroom, and then the music room which absolutely stays as DD2s often-used music room, and across the hall, a small room with a love seat, cabinet, and the TV, which only DH watches. The three girls have always shared a room (in our previous room it was a necessity) and have never complained about it; it is a fact of life, and we are all so used to it…and I don’t see how it affects what is at the heart of the issue: how to limit iPad time and introduce other activities. </p>
<p>Thank you to all who have taken time to contribute to this discussion. Thank you in particular to LF whose comments really spoke out to me. The whole issue as a topic for deep discussion is a little silly. This is a high-achieving, winning, social girl whose mother has to limit her time with electronics. She does not have a compliant nature that can be “made” to participate insports or a program or activity. This may change in 7th grade. I have seen great growth in her since September (it seemed to be very important for her to move from one school bldg, the Elem School, to another, the MS, and have an earlier to-school time, locker, changing classes, etc). Last year, I picked out her clothes for the day; now she does it herself. She is fine. All the girls she iPads with are the smartest in the class. I can tell two ways: 5th grade Awards day; each friend was called up over and over again; and the day honoring Honor Roll, High Honor Roll, and Principals List (which is 95 average and above, which DD3 made this past report card.) Best friend is Principals’s List and all others are high honor roll. </p>
<p>I feel a bit like a jerk for complaining because, expect for this time-management problem, my girls have and have always had a problem-free school life. In contrast, the family across the street (I came to know the mother well because we stood together so many years together at the bus stop) is composed of two PERFECT parents (the DH teaches Sunday school, I am NOT making a judgment saying that, just saying I honor that commitment) and the mother effectively enforces many loving rules for the girls. Her elder daughter, now in 7th grade, I have known since 1st grade, and her vocabulary and straight-on intelligence is astonishing. For over two years now, she has been bullied by a few other girls in a persecuting way. The parents have gone to the principal and the teachers know to keep this daughter and the bad girls far away from each other in the classrooms (ironically the bad girls are in the Honors classes as is the daughter, so they are stuck together all day). If this were my child, I would demand that the principal bring the bad girls’ parents into the school to firmly discuss how to correct this and enforce the correction. But my neighbor for some reason (she may know better than I do, who’s to say?) doesn’t want the other parents informed. This nice smart sensitive girl is suffering every day. Like DD3, she is not into clothes, makeup, boys, the latest music, having a phone, all that stuff that a LOT of 6th and 7th grade girls are into. I am very lucky and spoiled to have three high-achieving socially adept, mature, girls who are obsessed with nothing in modern culture (well, except the iPad), and who are attached to their parents, even the 20 year old.</p>
<p>Another thought…send her to a private school in 7th grade. They have mandatory EC participation all year long. It can be a sport, or the school play but the kids are required to do it…period. </p>
<p>Let the school be the parent, if you can’t be.</p>
<p>I never “made” any of my three kids do any EC. And regarding activities outside of school, they had to really want to do them if I was going to drive or pay a cent. It wasn’t reallly until mid-high school when they really got into theater, music or sport. I would relax on that count. Early middle school is intensely social and that focus eases up some.</p>
<p>As for IPads, in our state the “interactive classroom” is a big thing (taking a lot of budget money too). The classes have smartboards and every student is required to have an IPad. (Could be embarrassing not to have one, which I have raised as an objection.) The “flipped classroom” that is now popular involves kids listening to lectures on the IPad at home then doing what used to be the homework, in class, while the teacher is there to help.</p>
<p>It is quite possible that the IPad is being used for legitimate required work.</p>
<p>As for social use, she will soon have to limit her own use so it would be great if she could now be involved in decisions about how much to use it and when.</p>
<p>It would be helpful if information is clear and accurate and consistent from the get go, so that other things besides recognizing one’s errors and omissions or inconsistencies can be a source of glee. </p>
<p>The is nothing else to be offered at this point, other than again to strongly consider giving each child currently in the house their own space, since they are about 5 years apart in age and it seems that there is room enough to allow for this in the house. </p>
<p>What does this have to do with the original query:how best to encourage a 6th grader to read more?</p>
<p>I live in NYC where there are painfully few households in which every child has his or her own room, much less parents having their own room. Somehow most children (not all, but most) manage to emerge as adults after their 18th birthdays.</p>
<p>OP seems to be saying this thread has done its thing. I’ll just say, we all know each of our children can be different and that they evolve over time. Last year’s situation is rarely today’s, til they settle into their skins. We have to keep alert to their changing needs- from us and from themselves. We even often talk about the growth jump between late 11th and early 12th, then from fall of senior year to spring. We have to stay on our toes. </p>
First, it sounds like the 11 yr old reads a lot already, so its a bit of a non-issue. That said, sometimes a parent and child reading together, or reading separate things simultaneously in the same room at the same time encourages the activity. Mom and 11 yr old can sit in the bedroom together when 11 yr old is in bed, read either something together (even 11 yr olds like this at times) or each read their own book and spend some time together. This allows private time for youngest dau or dau and mom and does not disturb the other daughter. Or, if the older daughter is possibly doing homework or chatting on the phone or whatever a 16 yr old might elect to do (other than reading quietly for 2 hrs before bed as she seems to do much of the time), it can be done without disturbing the 11 yr old.</p>
<p>In NYC, having over 1000 sq ft of living space is a palace and may be one thing, but in more upstate areas, there is far more room to spread out when square footage is likely to be double that, and there is room for family members to find some private space and time conducive to the desired activity.</p>
<p>This OP does not live in a two or one bedroom apartment in NYC. She lives in a large enough house to accommodate separate bedrooms, if that is a family priority. It is not. So be it.</p>
<p>Back to the topic. The question was how to get the kid to read more. But in this thread, it actually came out that reading more isn’t an issue…so, clearly that question has been addressed.</p>
<p>My daughter loves Calvin and Hobbes. Getting your daughter comic books, or compilations of comic strips might be a good solution.</p>
<p>My oldest does not like to read, but once he started reading more interesting books, he picks them up on his own. Maybe go to a B&N and see what strikes her fancy.</p>
<p>You know, when I post here–on any thread–I am always polite, tactful, sincere, and open with my thoughts and feelings. I have never made anything that remotely resembles a critical remark. But I must say that the suggestion that I send DD3 to a private school “if I can’t be the parent” or words to that effect really took me aback. Being a real parent, really has nothing–or little–to do with enforcing ECs. Being a good parent means providing unconditional love and support, and most of all, and extremely evident between myself and my husband and my daughters, is that the children know they can come to you with anything, anything, and be listened to, supported, and understood. My girls are extremely intimate and bound to their parents, and know they are truly loved and safe.</p>
<p>As someone pointed out, yes, I was trying to put an end to this thread. But let’s let DD3 have the last word with this poignant essay she wrote when she was in second grade:</p>
<p>“My Life”
My name is DD3. I was born on 202. Before I got left China was not pretty when Japan took over. So Long ago China was not in god hands. They said you can’t have three babbys or you have to pay more. You also have to walk to the post office to call people and you can’t leave your baby at a orphanage. So my sisters DD1 and DD2 were the only one’s who got left at a orphanage. DD1 got left in front of the door and DD2 got left in a house that takes care of babbys and me I just got left at a train stop and you know thee’s more than 1,000 people. I know that’s a lot. You know some time I miss my real family because maybe they forgot me because they might have another babby. I really rely miss my birth family.</p>
<p>This forum is interesting in that everyone has different parenting philosophies. But it is important to remember there is no one “right” way. In fact, consistency may be the most important thing.</p>
<p>Darmawheel, you sound like a really caring and loving parent. Good luck.</p>