<p>As an adoptive parent, my Mama Bear heart reacts differently to the 2nd grade piece than I think OP expected. Imo, we need to be cautious about how much we load on them, at each stage of their development. And ever alert to signs of their private confusion and hurts, no matter what. This isn’t as simple as school performance or the number of friends or other overt markers. I’ll stop there. </p>
<p>LF, glad to know you, too are an adoptive parent. Thank you for your comment and concern. and for giving me the opportunity to provide a much-needed followup. . Families with Children from China is a nationwide network which, for over 20 years, has provided adoptive parents with a wealth of tips and strategies and insights about how to talk to young children about their origins. Let your heart be at rest. I can really see how you interpreted the piece. It really needs a follow up. First of all, DD3 was old enough at age 7 not to “hide” the facts of her origin; the situations of birthparents who, for no reason I can fathom but I haven’t walked their paths, can be explained–not to early but by first grade, yes–to the daughter. We treat their origins as facts of life–hard–but not major catastrophes. This little essay astonished me with how she focused on her sense of loss and bewilderment, which she had never expressed up until that point in person with me. The little essay opened the door to a great many conversations about her feelings, misunderstandings, confusion, backed up by explanation, broad discussion, and great reassurance. The other two girls express zero interest in their birth family or struggle (in the past ever or now) with the issue of abandonment as an infant–I know this because I’ve asked for their thoughts, from early on (age 6-7) when occasions for discussion arise–but I only discovered these feelings in DD3 via this little essay. Second grade is…7 years old? We spent a long time talking after this essay talking about China’s one-child policy–reinforced how she is OUR daughter and that we honor her birth parents for giving us such a gift. Plus, a few websites are teeming with beautifully written and illustrated books for children adopted from China, which we purchased and read a lot. </p>
<p>Yes, we have certainly wandered off the original topic entirely, but I am so glad of LF’s post because it gave me the opportunity to talk about something very necessary, how we embraced her with positive reinforcement about her birth family, the unknown facts of their predicament, how she can always talk to us about her feelings and how she will never–from her adoptive family–experience any feeling of abandonment.</p>
<p>Ninety-five percent of the students at Chinese School; we go not only to learn the language, but to make friends with other girls, and quite a few students (two alone in DD3s class besides herself) are adopted. The girls have Chinese girls and reunions with the girls from their “adoption trip.” </p>
<p>So, just to say, I agree with you you entirely that this offshoot has nothing to do with reading, ECs, or such like.</p>
<p>Compmom, thank you for your kind remark.</p>
<p>In context, you seemed to be saying her writing was an example of the intimate bond, yet it is full of pain. You produced her writing and then ended. As if, in fact, you were satisfied. I confess it is hard to follow when the details shift or are later supplemented in ways that take the original in a different direction.</p>
<p>I didn’t say “that this offshoot has nothing to do with reading, ECs, or such like.” I said, being alert to their private hurts, woes and frustrations is more than checking in on their school performance, the number [and quality] of their friends, etc. [Nor their reading choices, demands, compliance, etc.] </p>
<p>And, to be fair to other readers, you and I had discussed my girls’adoption in an earlier pm. </p>
<p>I’m sorry my note disappointed you, LF. I confess, I have read it carefully and cannot understand parts of it. For instance:</p>
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<p>How did I produce her writing? It was a school assignment, and because positive and realistic facts about China adoption were part of our family life, it touched my heart to see her reveal her feelings in the essay, So certainly, certainly, I did not "and then ended [it]. I do not see that at all. I thought I laid it out plainly that I with DD3, explored her thoughts carefully after her essay, and I kept taking her temperature, so to speak, for many months…years afterwords. </p>
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<p>This sentence may be over my head. I don’t see any way that I indicate that I was “satisfied”–I don’t see how satisfaction in any form enters the picture, and for the rest of the sentence, " hard to follow when the details shift or are later supplemented in ways that take the original in a different direction," …details shifting…later supplemented that take the original (what “original?”) in a different direction “what direction?”. This sounds like a sentence from a book by Jacques Derrida that I could completely not understand. </p>
<p>As I look back on 81, I am satisfied that I tried my best to be clear and reassuring. Your confusing 82 is going to bring me down all day, and I would ask, please, that we end this discussion without another word.</p>
<p>Really? </p>
<p>I don’t think you can engineer the way your kids turn out. If the motivation does not come from inside, don’t sweat it too much, particularly if her grades are so stellar. Maybe later, maybe not. Provide her opportunities, but let her be herself is my recommendation.</p>
<p>I don’t know when you are serious, Dharma. As seeming evidence of intimate family “bounds,” you produced a piece of writing that- rather than show strengths- cries pain and confusion. When I read her writing,my antennae went up. Perhaps you did get advice from an organization to be frank and perhaps everything is now hunky dory, no issues, none at all, just some honest sideline concerns. But you did not lay it out that way in 78. You shared (produced, presented, inserted, quoted) her writing and stopped there. No further words of explanation, nothing to say you recognized her hurt, nor about what you did to help her. An impression was formed. No one here knows if you would have clarified, if I hadn’t responded in 80.</p>
<p>This isn’t rocket science. These are children. Our our responsibilities to them are broad and deep. </p>
<p>Several times, details have changed- I won’t cite them now. And several times, subsequent details have changed what was first stated. Makes it hard to follow. </p>
<p>We all wish you the best, but on a public and anonymous forum, we can only go by what IS written, the contexts we form through our words.</p>
<p>11 y o should do what she wants as long as it is legal and as long as homework is done. If she wants to read for 10 hours, then why not, if she wants to read for 5 min. why not? In this period of life, they have so many interests, and push a kid to unbalalnced life has questionable advantages. There is always an opportunity cost. If they read for 2 hours, then, they do not wirite, being with friends, participate in sport, volunteer, play an instrument, do art, and whatever else they might be doing for these 2 hours. However, as far as grades are concerned, all they have to do to get an A is to do their homework on time and correctly. My 13 y o grandS understands that perfectly. When I said that we are proud of him, he said, “Just doing my homework”, it is not reading, there is no connection between reading and understanding math/physics. Actually, I have known many avid readers, who do not care for anything else. And that may be not such a balanced life after all.</p>
<p>Good news, posters who have addressed the reading issue. DD1 is home from college, and because DD3 admires/emulates her so much, DD3 was delighted to be taken to her 4 pm meeting with our children’s librarian whom the children call “Miss K.” It is a small-town but well equipped library; everyone is on a first-name basis. Both daughters reported back to me about how Miss K talked about reading, how is important, how it is different from the internet, but also was smart to indicate the ways the internet IS helpful and positive and very useful as a learning tool. Good move. Miss K showed DD3 the places in the Youth section where she can find the kinds of books she likes (she checked out two) and DD3 was very pleased about that. But what never crossed my mind–I am only minority tech savvy–was that Miss K took the opportunity to show DD3 how to use her library card number (DD3 has it memorized) to access the entire County library, use the keyword feature and other search feature and find titles that sound exactly like what she is looking for. DD3 is thrilled to combine her book interest with her internet interest. Miss K validated our new “reading schedule” and I am going to put a thank you letter in the mail to her today.</p>
<p>I would like to share a few words about the side-issue that emerged that I cluelessly introduced into the picture, the abandonment issue and DD3’s little essay. Please read no further if it doesn’t interest you. If it does, I would like to make a few clarifications and remarks. First, I was remiss in posting it. It had nothing to do with the thread. I was simply thrilled to have just rediscovered it the other day (hidden in a stack of banking statements) and was cherishing it in a special file in my kitchen for just a few days, and it was on my mind. I should not have impulsively posted it, but recognized that it was my own daughter’s private document that did not belong in a public forum.</p>
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<p>LF is exactly right by pointing this out. I get up very early and have time on my hands while the girls get ready for school; unexpectedly they were ready after I posted DD3’s little essay and I dropped the post without immediately adding the information I added in 81 to rush them to school (I rive =them–cuts off almost 45 inures spent on the bus). At the time of the essay, it was evident from her happiness, health, good behavior, high achievement in school, and many friends that she was a happy girl. But the little essay showed me she had feelings I did not know she had, even though we freely talked about adoption, adoption loss, and China and Chinese customs, language, and traditions in a positive way. I took the essay to Mrs. G, everyone’s beloved Kindergarden teacher–all my girls had her–she retired after 50 years in the school district. She is the quintessential warm motherly gifted kindergarten teacher with deep understanding of children. She and DD3 alone together in her cozy classroom discussed DD3 thoughts, expressed in the essay, together. I felt it was good that a third party-not a family member–get DD3s perspective, but I did not think the essay called for an intervention of a children’s therapy. Mrs. G and DD3 had a happy talk. Mrs G. and I later talked about the conversation she had with DD3 over the phone. I know some might disagree with this–there is great diversity in addressing the issue–but Mrs. G and both both interpreted DD3s essay as yes, showing that she needed to communicate and expresses the feelings reflected in the essay, but importantly, that the essay was written so openly, and with such careful penmanship and care, combined with the fact that in her behavior there was no sign at all of a troubled child (acting out, moody, kicking things, eating and sleep problems, problems with peers, etc) that DD3s essay reflected that she felt safe and accepted to share her thoughts with a caring world. Mrs. G and I helped her talk about exactly what she wrote about in her essay: her questions of why her birth parents left her; her feelings of loss; he curiosity about her birth family; her sadness. We as a family over the past few years have readdressed these concerns and they have virtually faded away with time. </p>
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<p>LF is exactly right in what I quoted above. I hope I have clarified things in what I have posted above. DD3 is now almost 12 and totally at home with her birth origins, and we share Chinese New Year Parties teeming with Chinese adopted daughters; they evenhave their own newsletter. </p>
<p>I hope this post has been helpful to anyone who has bothered to read it. Please reply if you feel compelled to, but because I think the emphasis in positive criticism should be placed on the word POSITIVE, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I recognize that just plunking down DD3s little essay with no follow up was unwise, but I think my mistake could have been pointed out to me more gently because, obviously, it is a sensitive subject.</p>
<p>So, to come full circle, I think a reading 6th grader will emerge, especially now that she knows how to access books online. Special thanks to acollegetudent for contributing; how nice for a young adult to enter a dissuasion about a Middle School student!</p>
<p>"11 y o should do what she wants as long as it is legal and as long as homework is done. " You’ve got to be kidding. Parents aren’t police, they are parents and they are supposed to be helping their kids make good and healthy life choices. It’s not a matter of legal. </p>
<p>“as far as grades are concerned, all they have to do to get an A is to do their homework on time and correctly.” This was rebutted before, perhaps in this very thread, but you aren’t going to stop saying it are you? It’s really quite insensitive to keep asserting this when there are plenty of families on here with kids who are trying hard and not getting A’s and you’ve already been told as much. If you must keep saying it again and again, I suggest you revise this tired refrain to “All my children had to do to get an A was to do their homework on time and correctly”. What, really, do you know about the struggles other people’s children may face and the grading policies in other schools? Approximately 10-15% of the kids graduating from my daughter’s middle school had straight A’s. They were called up in front of the school at graduation so I know who they were (or did at the time; I can’t remember most now but I do know that some of her friends, who are bright and hardworking kids, were not among them.) </p>