I did not want to derail the other thread with a related question, so starting a new one. We are very close with over 20 married couples – we go on vacations together, stay in each other’s houses, and know each other for at least 10-15 years, sometimes much longer. Most got married very young, 2 or 3 got divorced early and then remarried, almost everyone has kids. Now we are at the age of celebrating 25-30th anniversaries, and all of these marriages are still going strong. Yet I read/hear that midlife divorces became very common. Is this a new thing? Since I don’t have any real life examples, I wonder what is it that makes long married couples come apart after spending half of their lives together? It seems they had enough time to either reconcile their differences, or divorce sooner. After all, this is the time when people become more mature, prudent and financially stable, when stress and hardship of career building and childbearing are supposed to be over. Depression? Empty nest syndrome? Midlife crisis? Financial disparity? Boredom? Looking for a new sense of purpose in life? Acquiring new values and priorities?
I think even among CC the reasons are as varied as each marriage. Several of my friends got divorced as the kids were in HS or left the nest. In one case, the mom would not institutionalize their child who has Down’s Syndrome and the child remains a large part of her life. In one case, the dad found a GF and was putting all the funds into HIS retirement account instead of the kids’ college funds, in one case the couple simply grew apart.
Among family members, we still have intact marriages, 10-30+ years and my folks over 60 years.
In my situation, there were many factors, most of which were not sufficient on their own to persuade me to call it quits. But added together and with a few straws that broke the camel’s (my) back, they were enough.
Things I could have recovered from: 1) Ex-H’s long-term periods of unemployment, during which he didn’t look for work and told me that the problem was not that he was unemployed but that I had the temerity to say it bothered me that he wasn’t looking for work.
2) Huge financial stress because of the long-term unemployment.
Thing I might have adjusted to: 1) Ex-H’s decision to become his parents’ caregiver in a city 150 miles away.
2) Ex-H telling me more than once that he could barely take care of himself (and thus had a reason for not taking care of me and our daughters).
Things I chose not to adjust to: 1) Ex-H’s near-total lack of communication when he was at his parents’ home, which I at first attributed to general problems with communication, until I learned that he was regularly talking on the phone with a woman in another state.
2) Ex-H’s decision to cooperate with his father in shady financial transactions, which put our marital assets and my professional license at risk.
Why I waited until mid-life to file for divorce: 1) I needed to get in a more secure financial situation, which I was able to do with increased hours at my main job and increased income from freelance work.
2) I didn’t trust that ex-H would cooperate in college financial-aid applications if we were no longer married.
Both of us are imperfect and both of us contributed to the marital difficulties, but I found it impossible to fix the marriage on my own when ex-H was almost never with me and almost never communicated with me.
I have a friend who would like to get a divorce, but she and her H are in terrible financial straits and so she can’t afford to. I think that’s probably not uncommon in marriages when the people have money problems.
When my DH was newly retired, he visited his physician for a standard, yearly physical. The MD, male in his 40’s, noted the change in life status and told DH that the practice had several good marriage counselors they could recommend should DH feel the need. Apparently, it was quite common in their patient base for stress, tension and divorce to accompany the retirement of one or both of the marital partners! Happily, DH found this entire suggestion suggestion amusing rather than inviting.
Sadly in most of my friends cases, infidelity was the cause of a mid life divorce.
For a couple in my extended family: differences in opinion of how they wanted to live that were papered over while kids were growing up, plus money problems when the main provider left lucrative work to start a business, resulting in financial and retirement insecurity which the other member felt pulled the rug out of the future. Mainly, just different life goals. Both are wonderful people, just always had different visions of what life would be. Both very committed to their kids, so this didn’t come to a head till the kids were out of college and on their own.
rosered55 - you probably stayed a lot longer than others would have. You had a very tough situation. I hope you are enjoying your life now.
My situation was similar. Always the breadwinner. Somehow he blamed me for his lack of career success. The straw was financial infidelity - out of control spending and lying about it. I knew I’d end up unhappy and broke.
@rosered55, I admire how you put the pieces together and realized what was a better path. And the even-handed way you wrote that.
People change over time and not necessarily in ways that make them more compatible with their spouses. Sometimes quite the opposite. My H has a couple of interests now, that hold absolutely no appeal for me. There are interests I’ve developed over time that don’t appeal to him. What those interests are and the time and money spent on them, can really drive a wedge between spouses. I know of several couples who are similar to @garland 's relative in that differences were not addressed while kids were at home and when they were gone, became glaringly apparent. Add in a job loss, stress of caring for elderly parents or any number of other bumps in the road and a marriage that started strong can founder…
@Momofadult, sounds like your H has a great internist who is realistic about many of the life stages patients go thru.
The straw for my SIL was when her H didn’t support her at all through a health scare (tumor at the top of her spine). I went down to help out at one point while she was in the hospital. As her son and I cleaned the apartment (which was a mess due to some interior construction), the H was in the other room, napping. I did many, many loads of laundry that week. The ONE time he helped, he moved a load of wash from the apartment building’s washer to dryer in order to wash a few of his things. Oops, he moved something that was supposed to hang dry. The owner was ripped and yelled at ME. Ugh. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, too. I was happy for SIL when she finally left him. She moved from Boston to Florida and is so happy now. 
Yes, it is tough when loved ones do not provide expected support during health crises. 
Glad you could be there for your SIL, @MaineLonghorn.
@MaineLonghorn - you’re a kind sister in law and I’m sure she is grateful for your support.
One of my friends finally divorced after years of living with an alcoholic. The final straw for her was when she had several health scares and he wasn’t able to step up to the plate and be there for her.
Several other cases have been due to infidelities that I think arose from them growing in different directions as the kids moved out. I know several couples who divorced due to one partner acknowledging they were attracted to a partner of the same sex.
I’ve often wondered about this too. We honestly don’t know many couples in our circle that have been divorced. Not only us but our parents had long marriages also (60-70 years).
Maybe we had good role models about sticking things out and working through problems? Richer or poorer, for better or for worse? Just like routine? Deciding marriage was team work and not a tug-of-war?
The reasons for divorces I DO know about: death of a child, control issues, infidelity, and “mid-life crisis” (we can call that “personality change”).
I do think kids can be such a big focus that when they leave a void is created. If you’ve spent all your time talking about kids, taking care of kids, worrying about kids then all of a sudden you’d be left sitting there with nothing to talk about. Hopefully you’ve worked on yourselves a bit over that last 20 years.
Or perhaps the kids were the only glue to begin with and then it’s time to split.
Separate hobbies and interests I think are great if partners mutually support them for each other. I think each person needs to fulfill themselves in their own way. I love a happy spouse even if I don’t love their hobby all the time.
“Maybe we had good role models about sticking things out and working through problems? Richer or poorer, for better or for worse? Just like routine? Deciding marriage was team work and not a tug-of-war?”
As I like to say, it takes two to tango but only one to trip the other one and cause both to fall to the floor.
My ex-H’s parents have been married almost 69 years. Ex-H learned many things from his dad, but apparently either he wasn’t taught or the lesson didn’t sink in that one should prioritize the marriage.
Yes, many of these reasons make perfect sense, and I would not put up with those either. In fact, I would likely divorce much sooner if I could, but patience was never amongst my virtues. @rosered55 you clearly put a lot of thought into this situation, and I really admire you for being so open-minded, staying so strong, and showing so much dignity. Please, accept my deep sympathy.
Rosenred --Your Ex-H DID role model his dad by following him into shady financial deals.
. Unfortunately he learned very wrong lessons as you say that compromised you also in the long run.
I think a good marriage is based on both parties having common values as well as goals.
“I think a good marriage is based on both parties having common values as well as goals.”
This.
I’ve known quite a few that have had mid-life divorces. In many cases, it’s been no surprise and more of a “What took you so long?” as there were incompatibilities for awhile. I think the kids and not wanting to shuttle them between two households made them hold out as long as they did. They had grown apart long ago and the only thing holding them together was family life.
Mycupoftea, for some reason I found your post profoundly depressing. You live on planet normalcy, that’s all I can say. Not everyone does. And there are things that hold a terrible marriage together: money issues, family health challenges, even fear. Not everyone is happy in the first place.
I wonder what happens to your group of 20 couples when someone does divorce: which spouse continues on the vacations?
We don’t have many friends who divorced and the very few who did, stuck it out until their kids went to college and amicably divorced. But in all cases both spouses worked and supported during the kid years and the divvy up was not a huge deal and both spouses were very emotionally stable, they just had bad marriages. The irony is one of the couples each partner remarried fairly quickly and to people that we’ve grown to enjoy and we all get together on occasion. We’ve all been very, very blessed.