Yes, abuse is a tough role model. It’s hard also to know how to help a loved one going through a difficult time in their marriage, especially if only one of them is willing to notice it’s a tough time.
I admire all those who have done their best and rebuilt their lives after a divorce–I know that the road is tough. The women I know that have divorced have maintained close relationships with their kids and cherish those bonds.
I’m sure the reasons for most divorces are quite complex, but miscommunication and different values and goals likely are part of the fraying of many of the relationships.
Listening, listening is one of the best things to do for anyone going through divorce. It is easy to be a broken record on the injustices and pain experienced. The listening is not always pleasant, and the litany of complaints can certainly be repetitive. But the kindness of the listener is appreciated and invaluable.
Well said, Great Lakes mom. DD already said she thinks communication is the key to a relationship. I know with my fiancé it is worlds apart anything I experienced (even in the happy early years). We can discuss everything calmly without anger or criticism. He is a true grown up. And wonderful man.
Yeah, GoNoles, you had me with the “two sides” and lost me with the sexist blame on her weight. Then the guy-bonding free for alls. His infidelity was his choice. I’d say that gets some blame. He may have been a frustrating a** for all you know. If something else had happened to mar her younger attractiveness (say, an accident or illness,) would that make it her fault, too?
Sure, sometimes people have to go their separate ways. I have a good friend now who is contemplating divorce. She and her H did a great job raising their kids together, getting her through a health crisis (or two), and now that the kids are launched and her health is stable, they seem to be growing apart. He has his career, she is at loose ends, trying to figure out what to do next. Some of her ideas involve moving somewhere else by herself. Their sex life has tanked over the last year (and it used to be enviably hot). No abuse, no alcoholism, no affairs, nobody got fat (jk). They are in a rough patch and not sure how they got there. I listen to her. It does make me sad because they were doing so well and I expected them to sail into their golden years together. There were so many things they enjoyed doing together.
Some states aren’t very kind to the SAHM who gets divorced mid-life. Suddenly being w/o health insurance (I think HI policy rules should change in that regard), and then getting very limited support while being expected to come up with a well-paid career in one’s 50s and 60s. Often the guy departs with his $100k+ job, while the newly employed wife is scraping by with a minimum-wage job and measly support that ends in 2 years. How is that fair? It’s not. The likelihood that she’ll ever come close to reaching his salary-level is rare. And, the same goes for the wife who family-tracked herself job-wise and had a lowish salary thru-out the marriage.
Sure, sometimes the ex-H is ordered to pay for health insurance for a couple of years, but really…that just means she gets less money paid directly to her for support. I think that if someone has been on a spouse’s health policy for 10+ years (even if policies changed), then the insurance companies should be req’d to keep that now-ex-spouse on the policy until THAT ex-spouse remarries (not the policy holder remarrying, but the ex-spouse left w/o insurance)
Of course the issues with divorce go beyond ‘platitudes’. It’s not a platitude to point to infidelity. When we note that infidelity ruined a marriage we know that there are myriad issues to go along with that. Ugh.
And yes, SAHMs divorcing after a long marriage can really get hurt financially.
Sometimes I wonder if the couple might find it worthwhile to put some real energy into couples counseling. Divorce is hard and painful for everyone and generally the lower paid person suffers a substantial decrease in standard of living after the divorce. Perhaps sometimes it could help if both are willing to invest the time and energy.
We know a woman whose ex-H is alcoholic. They divorced and now he has basically hidden all his assets, tho he is a dentist with a busy practice and his dad bought him a car. She is housing their 2 kids and put them thru college alone, spending all the divorce settlement to do so. She now runs a food truck and lives in a rented modest small apartment and will likely have to work for the rest of her life. The ex has since fathered 2 kids with different women. Neither kid from his 1st marriage has any relationship with the dad or grandparents.
It has nothing to do with sexism. What about the mid-40’s housewife and mom of two kids who has a career and who makes it to the gym or walks or bikes twice a week and does pilates at home on the weekend who is married to the guy who has spent the 20-years since marriage growing hair on his back and developing a beer belly? Are YOU going to blame the housewife mom for being attracted to other people? I am not.
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Those middle aged divorces make me sad. Seems like they made it through all the hard stuff, raising kids, making money, and then don’t get to enjoy the good part. They don’t get to sit back and enjoy what they built.
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I agree. Unless there’s been abuse, etc, these mid-life divorces are sad…and when it’s because of infidelity, it’s just for short-term thrills that don’t last.
I’m particularly sickened by guys who “trade in” their lovely-seasoned wives for young arm-candy. Do these guys really want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who has no clue about their history, their generation’s fave stuff, and their kids? These new Barbies aren’t going to love and care for their kids.
When I see some middle-aged guy driving around in a 2-seater convertible, I admit that I immediately think, “hmmm…mid-life crisis…either cheating already or soon-to-be.” (I admit, that’s not fair since some married couples enjoy those cars, too).
What I would say in that situation @GoNoles85 is that when you love someone you help them when they encounter difficulties. So the spouse who has stayed in shape might encourage the other to get to the gym or suggests activities they could do that might help. Running off to have an affair just seems to me an indication that you didn’t care much in the first place.
I agree about encouraging your partner to stay in shape–for their health and well-being and also for you as a couple. Working out as a couple is something our friends have started doing and we do to a more limited extent.
I think similar ideas about health and exercise are very important and it is not always the woman who lets her health go and face it, obesity is a huge health risk and can be an obstacle if one in the couple is very active. It is one thing when you are talking about people in their 70s and 80s and quite another thing about 30s , 40s and 50s. I wouldn’t discount that as a reason coupled breAkup in midlife. I also would not assume that the weight issue was never an issue in that marriage before the affaire.
I know a couple who divorced mid-life. The guy has not seen his college aged children in years, did not contribute a penny to their education and has moved on with a younger woman. HIs wife, my friend, has had to spend years taking him to court to collect money he owes her.
I think in some cases no fault divorce is not equitable. The wronged party, the one who has been cheated on or whose assets have been ‘stolen’ should get more out of the divorce than simply half of community property. My friend who was blameless and her children are the ones who are suffering financially, more than the husband who caused the whole debacle. This after decades of marriage. And I simply don’t understand a man who would give up a relationship with his children for sex with a younger woman.
I can’t imagine losing my relationship with my kids–it is one of my great joys and H’s. I really don’t understand people who would just chuck their kids out of their lives.
Personally think it may be better to have some counseling before marriage. There are so many traps that when young you don’t think about–having kids, how you handle money, where you want to live even. How you handle arguments even (learn to fight fair). Knowing that you can’t “change” someone to fit your needs. Sometimes it’s better to call it quits before you even start.
Before we married we did a group-type counseling with some people already married. I remember listening to their stories and concerns thinking “we’d NEVER be that way!” And then when it did happen (even to us) it was easier to realize that some problems are universal and you can work through them.
You’re tough, GoNoles85. People get older and they get wrinkles, grey hair, arthritis and more. In their 50s, they aren’t the same attractive, fun-loving folks they were in their 20s. Not sure the above (or weight gain) justify adultery, if that’s what you were suggesting. (Apologies if I misinterpreted your comments.)
I think pre-marital counseling and pre-divorce counseling are both very valuable. The Catholic church does require some counseling and/or a retreat if you’re marrying in the church. It was probably too short for some folks but I liked it.
In our state, I believe there is some
mandatory counseling if you’re getting divorced and have kids on how to make it better for the kids.