MIL taking daughter to Paris

fredo · May 4, 2005, 1:52pm

The thread on venting about parents got me thinking about this and seeking some input.

My mother-in-law is basically a well-intentioned person. But every word out of her mouth is advice of some sort telling me (and everyone else) what to do.

She has VERY generously offered to take my 18 year old daughter on her first trip to Europe and has booked a tour for this summer. I got the tour info last week and I am very worried about this trip.

Some background info about MIL: she has emphysema and when she comes to visit our house she has problems handling our stairs to get to the 2nd floor so she limits her up and down trips. She just finished a long, rugged course of treatment for breast cancer (6 months of chemo followed by radiation) and is slowly regaining her strength.

This tour has classified each days outing in terms of walking: light (1-2 miles), moderate (3-5) and strenuous (6-10 miles). Of the 7 days there are 2-3 strenous, a couple of light and a couple of moderate. The brochure says their hotel may not have an elevator (although she has requested a lower floor room) and she has to carry her own bag. There is no way she can handle all that physically.

I have broached the subject very gingerly so far and expressed my concern for her being able to handle that. She admits that some of that will be tough but she’ll work around it e.g. only come down once a day from the room, not do some of the walking, skip some things. But that means my daughter will be doing this stuff all by her self. On a tour with probably no other young people. And this is NOT my daughter’s strength - jumping into new social situations. I am really concerned that my daughter is going to hate this. (To say nothing of the fact that I don’t want her wandering around Paris all by herself - she doesn’t speak any French - but I’m trying to let that concern go).

When I voiced that concern to MIL, she got really defensive and said it would be fine for my daughter. I encouraged her to run this by her so they’re both on the same page but she just dismissed it with “we’ll work it out.” And maybe they will and maybe I"m overreacting and maybe I’m still just trying to protect my daughter from being unhappy but I see this as a setup for disappointment. My daughter really likes her grandma and I don’t want for this to affect their relationship.

I’ve mentioned this to my husband about how difficult this might be physically for his mother and he plans to talk to her. I’m not going to say anything more to MIL but let my husband take it from here. I"ve made my point. But I am worried.

Any thoughts, oh wise parents out there?

katwkittens · May 4, 2005, 2:16pm

I think it is wonderful for your mom-in-law to have so generously offered such a wonderful vacation for your daughter. Mine (my kiddos) could only wish for something so special. My first instinct was that the grandma was right, things will work out between the two of them. While the strenous walking could present a problem based on grandma’s physical limitations, I would think either the rental or purchase of a wheelchair might be in order. Either purchased there or here before leaving. I am assuming your daughter might be capable of pushing her when it becomes physically necessary. Of course, grandma would have to agree to being in a wheelchair for short periods, but if it helps facilitate the walking part of the trip, she might agree.

More importantly than walking on all the tours, or seeing the sights is the time alone your daughter and her grandmother will have. Regardless of spending time in a museum or over a delicious dinner, is the actual time they will have with each other. That alone is absolutely priceless. I would think that with a recent run in with cancer the grandma is truly feeling mortal and wanting to spend as much time as she has with her grandchild.

Wow, sometimes these opportunities never happen and for your daughter a magical time has been set aside for her. One I am sure she will remember for the rest of her life. The gift of time for your mom-in-law will be the best one she has ever received. I would find out the hotels maybe ahead of time and make sure these arrangements would be suitable for her and her physical limitations, money for many cabs, whatever it takes to make this the trip of a lifetime.

For your mom-in-law, with her physical needs it just might be.

Again what a special and wonderful gift. Something to treasure for all time.

Kat

zagat · May 4, 2005, 2:16pm

Fredo, do you watch Gilmore Girls? Grandmother recently took Rory on the grand tour. At 18, unless you feel your daughter is immature, she will be fine. Paris is a very safe city. It is also a hard place not to love under any circumstances! On a tour there will be guides and friendly souls to help.

While my MIL is a replica of the Gilmore Grandmother, not liked by anyone, I let my kids go off with her for perspective on the world at large! They come back with great story, and even their dad appreciates them!

jmmom · May 4, 2005, 2:29pm

When we took a trip away from home a couple years ago, we had my ailing MIL stay at the house to “take care” of S (16 years old at the time). She, like your MIL, is not in robust health, limited re stairs (which we have), forgets to eat, etc. She laughingly said she wasn’t sure “who would be taking care of whom.” Which was exactly the point. S is an only, used to thinking of just his needs. Her being there enabled us to leave him without worrying, but more importantly, allowed them some time together and him the growth experience of considering his grandmother’s needs. We told him to remind her to plan and have dinner etc.

This, in itself, was a gift to S (which he did not gush over with appreciation :rolleyes: ). But which was good for him.

IMHO, it will be a good experience for your D to see Paris, help grandma tailor the trip to her abilities (maybe get some kind of wheelchair to push her around some places - museums, etc.). Others on the tour will “adopt” your D when grandma isn’t on a particular excursion. It will be a different kind of fun from “hanging” with her friends, but it will be a wonderful memory.

Maybe, beforehand, you can get her one of the classics about the Grand Tour - titles escape me at the moment.

citygirlsmom · May 4, 2005, 3:02pm

The trip is only 7 days. And believe me, it gonna go by fast and fun!!

I did Paris last year with my 13 and 15 year old daughters. They would have done just fine without me. (We did Rome as well). Almost everyone speaks English, their are many many many tourists around. When we would do the museums, we split up sometimes because everyone has their interests. There are so many places to just sit and watch. For instance, I did not really want to go up the Eiffel Tour (had a mild panic attack on a giant ferris wheel), so Ds went up alone. It was great. They felt cool. I sat below, relaxed, enjoyed the people while my very enegetic daughters had a blast.

If you D is a little shy, so what? She doesn’t have to miggle all the time. She can watch, learn, and grow. Maybe because she will be with strangers who she knows won’t judge her or she will have do deal with later, she may actually open up.

Remember, no vacation is perfect. It is better to go and have a little bit of inconvience, than to not go at all. When we go places with my MIL, we may not be able to do everything we want, but just being together is enough

We walked alot, we took buses, we sat and had icecream and people watched, we took a boat ride, we ate great food, we talked, we learned about each other, we took some tours and it was too memorable. In Rome, we went everywhere, saw everything. I felt perfectly safe everywhere.

I think the trip helped Ds mature. They saw the world (We had been to Mexico and Ireland before- but with Dad). They flirted a little. Had half a glass of wine. Wondered around the Latin Quarter at 11 at night. They shopped. And shopped.

With grandma being sick before, this is her chance to do something great with GrandDaughter. She feels good. If anything happens over there, your D will be fine. Something my H did was get extra debit cards for each D that were only be used in a MAJOR emergency. They were hidden away, and if God forbid, something happened to me, they could get ready cash.

I say let them do the trip with blessings. Its only a week. They will be back before you know it with stories, and secrets and new clothes.

Your daughter won’t hate it. Paris is AMAZING!!! The people are wonderful. It is so easy to get around in. Can’t get lost. And with so much to do and so much to see, D won’t be bored. After traveling with my Ds for a total of three weeks, we never got bored with each other, maybe a little annoyed, but never bored. Bet you when she gets back, she will be a little bit more grown up, more ready for college, less timid, and ready to go back!!! And if she has to help Grandma once in a while, what harm? Its great for both of them!!!

SplashMom · May 4, 2005, 3:18pm

Fredo, I can certainly understand your concern, but I see this as a fabulous opportunity for your daughter and her grandmother. D’s French class took a trip to Europe last year and D invited her grandmother, a world traveler, to go. They had a fabulous time, and although they were already very close, I think it formed an even stronger bond between them. D and MIL did mention several times that their hotel rooms were on the second or third floor, but one of the boys from the group was always racing to carry my MIL’s bags. I cannot tell you how many times my MIL has mentioned that she was the one who was chaperoned as my D took control, asked directions, and always got them to their destination without a hitch. I know you said your D doesn’t speak French, but as someone else mentioned, there are many English-speaking people in Paris. That was a fabulous experience for my D and my MIL. When D returned, H and I saw quite a change in her … it was as if she had matured so much more in just those two weeks. Let me ask this … since your MIL’s health is a concern, is there possibly a third person who could go along on the trip with them? A cousin, perhaps who would also enjoy the trip?

mominsearch · May 4, 2005, 3:38pm

I agree with everyone else - it is a great opportunity for your daughter. Even though I don’t see my MIL (for many many reasons) I let my kids do whatever she wants with them. In fact she is 85 and several years ago went on a trip for 7-9 days to Portugal, Spain, France, & Italy. She is not in the best of health but managed just fine.

My oldest son (then 17) went to Paris for 9 days last June (with some of his french class students and teacher) and had a fabulous time. It was a trip he will always remember (decided he would like to live there after college tho - bummer!). All the areas he went to were very safe & some of the kids he went with didn’t speak french very well. Most of the tour guides are very good & can help with any language barriers.

Good luck!

florus · May 4, 2005, 4:18pm

I also agree that it is a terrific opportunity for you daughter and her grandmother. Paris is a very safe city and I don’t think there is any reason to worry about an 18-year old moving about the city on her own, should her grandmother not be ‘up’ to it at all times. Many - perhaps most- people speak at least some English. Perhaps she and her grandmother could each take cell phones so they could stay connected when they are apart.

As well, please be aware that many of the larger museums have wheelchairs available for use within the museum. I didn’t look closely, but I imagine they are available for a (probably) small rental fee. Your daughter and her grandmother should have a wonderful time.

speckledegg · May 4, 2005, 4:23pm

Fredo, Clearly your MIL will struggle physically on even the least strenuous days. You are looking at this trip very practically. A cruise might have been a better choice. BUT- the trip is booked! You’ve expressed your concerns. Now it’s time to change your perspective on the trip.

Your MIL sounds like a character with a strong personality and many opinions. This will serve your daugher well on such a trip. And the social skills of the older generation will go a long way in helping your daughter warm up to the tour group. If your daughter is in fact the only young person, she may be a sought-after companion. (And- there may in fact be other young people, but to avoid over-expectation, it’s probably best to prepare for a week with much older people.) My hunch is that your MIL is perfectly aware of her limitations. She booked a trip that offers a suitable hotel at which she may spend considerable time and an itinerary that will provide your daughter with the opportunity to see what your MIL thinks is significant.

You probably envisioned that your daughter and her grandmother would be exploring together 24/7. You MIL may envision a last fling in Paris with a beloved granddaughter who is old enough to operate independently (with the rest of the tour group, and unlike a middle schooler) in case she (MIL) has to take it easy. She may even stay at the hotel all the time and relish hearing your daughter relate the day’s events at dinner.

On some days, your daughter may need to choose between staying with your MIL at the hotel or going out with the tour group.Talk to your daughter about her expectations. Rather than “a week in Paris, with Grandma”, it may be “a week with Grandma, that happens to be in Paris”. Either way, it could be wonderful.

Ya gotta hand it to Grandma: 6 months of treatment for breast cancer and fiesty enough to handle a big trip! That’s good medicine. Your daughter will be safe and it will be memorable for both.

Northstarmom · May 4, 2005, 4:52pm

I think the trip sounds like a wonderful experience for both. One warning: Paris is very difficult for people with any kinds of mobility problems. One has to walk a lot. While much of the terrain is flat, there are areas with steep hills. The Metro is safe, easy to navigate and convenient, but lacks elevators and may not even have up escalators.

In addition, jet lag is exhausting and the air quality is not good. My concern is mainly for your MIL’s health. She also should make sure that her hotel has air conditioning. Many – even expensive ones – do not, and sometimes the temps can be extremely hot. Two summers ago, hundreds of people, mainly elderly Parisians, died due to a heat wave.

Whether or not your daughter enjoys every minute, I think it will be a trip she’ll remember forever and that will allow her to grow in character, sophistication and in appreciation of her family.

fredo · May 4, 2005, 5:13pm

Well, I was right: there are wise parents out there! OK, I guess I was focusing too much on the potential negatives and didn’t see all the positives (hmmm, something my husband may have mentioned to me a time or two before!). I really appreciate you all helping me see this from a different perspective. And I love the idea of maybe renting a wheelchair in a museum. I’m not sure that she’d go for it but maybe if my daughter positions it right i.e. I really want to walk around with you grandma and this is the best way for both of us to see what we want, my MIL might just buy it.

I also never really thought about it from a character building standpoint for my daughter but it truly will be.

Okay, you all have convinced me, let her go happily (if somewhat naively!) and learn a lot and have a good time.

Thanks!

citygirlsmom · May 4, 2005, 5:15pm

We were in Paris last summer, August…while it was warm, it was not overbearing. After Rome, it was heavenily. And with the cabs, buses, lots and lots and lots of places to sit, it should be fine. It is true that many hotels do not have elevators, the good ones do. We did get stuck in a couple of afternoon showers…so we did what any self respecting Parisian did, we shopped! And contrary to what we had heard, Paris was very clean and friendly, and safe. I felt very comfortable letting my Ds explore.

We saw plenty of seniors in Paris and Rome. Both of course are not ADA compliant, but with cabs everywhere, no problem.

Jet lag is interesting to me. The young can take it really while, its us middle aged folks who get cranky!!

PS- My MIL is 90. She is in great shape. When she was traveling with family at 80, her son INSISTED she get a wheel chair at the airport. Well, they got to ride around in those little carts, go to the front of security lines, the whole bit. At first MIL was a bit embarrassed, but now she is happy to rest and be moved around. And what is great about the museums, is so many places to sit and jsut watch, She may not see the Mono Lisa (no biggie in MHO) but she will see enough to take home great memories!!

calmom · May 4, 2005, 5:51pm

Fredo, I was in Paris last fall and I don’t speak any French. It is a very safe place for a woman to wander around alone, and very easy to get one’s bearings – assuming your daughter has basic common sense and keeps reasonable hours. (I wasn’t doing very much wandering in dark alleys after midnight – but if your d. agrees to reasonable curfew with her grandmother, it should be fine).

I also went on a tour with my mom when I was 16 – we were the two youngest people on the tour - even my mom, who was then about 40, was younger than everyone else. We got along fine with the others on the tour – so I don’t think your daughter will be “alone” anyway. She will probably get invited to go on outings by some of the other people on the tour.

My kids have traveled with their grandparents, and even when my daughter was very young, she made lots of “grownup” friends during the travels. In fact, neither of my kids had any interest in participating in the kids-only activities arranged, or in meeting other youngsters – the adults they met were far more interesting.

zagat · May 4, 2005, 6:35pm

About getting around, if money is not a major issue, car services abound. The hotel can arrange door to door and even further service.

SBmom · May 5, 2005, 1:12am

FYI skimmed the thread,did not see this–

In France typically the 1st floor is one flight up. Entry level is “0.” So if you make special requests take this into account.

Paris = best city in the world!!! Bon Voyage to your D!

ariesathena · May 5, 2005, 5:08pm

From the non-parent on the board:

If MIL and your D have a good relationship (which it sounds like they do), then go for it. Your D knows how well she gets around (or doesn’t) and won’t expect miracles come this trip to Paris. If D doesn’t go, then MIL might not be able to go. I can tell you that, as a kid, I would happily accompany my grandparents places so that they could do things they couldn’t do otherwise.

Are the people on the tour required to take the walking trips, or can they venture off by themselves? If so, then Grandma and D could have a great time, just exploring Paris (Metro takes a lot of walking, be aware) at their own pace. Someone here might know if the museums and sights over there are good for the handicapped - do they have wheelchairs and such? This is just my perspective, but I would be happy to go to the Louvre with my grandparents, even if that meant pushing them around in a wheelchair.

Paris is lovely and gorgeous - and hard to get lost in. Depending on where they are staying, some sights might be within walking distance and D could go off by herself for them. There are also the cheesy river cruises down the Seine - perfect for grandma, and D could see Paris from there.

carolyn · May 5, 2005, 10:29pm

Paris is wonderful. Your daughter will be fine there, even if she must be on her own. The first time I went to Paris I was by myself and I walked and walked for hours and had a wonderful time. Two years ago, we took our children there. My then-14-year-old daughter and then-12-year-old son had fun exploring a bit on their own and I did not worry too much (well, a bit).

unsoccer-mom · May 5, 2005, 11:36pm

I guess I will be the lone voice echoing your doubt. My daughter went to Paris for a month last summer at the age of 17. She speaks French fluently and had visited Paris with her French class two years before this trip. She is a very used to city environments and was familiar with the mass transit system in Paris. She, also, has always been independent and a seeker of new experiences. I am afraid she when came back she was no longer as enamored as she had been the first time. She was pretty much on her own and felt that she had to keep her wits about her to avoid pick-pockets and aggressive male attention. Looking and speaking french helped her blend in. I am not suggesting that your daughter not go, but that she should be aware and be street-wise. One thing mine talked about is that while traveling through Paris, she felt a lack of connection. She said that the french tended not to look around or share eye contact. She said it made her feel very strange.

midwesterner · May 6, 2005, 12:21pm

Fredo -

I applaud your mother-in-law for wanting to take this trip with your daughter, but the schedule is not a good match for someone with health problems. If I were you, I would talk to someone in charge of the tour and let them know about MIL’s extensive problems. She is going to slow down the group to the point where it will be a source of conflict with the other paid guests. (Ex-tourguide in me speaking!)

Would it be possible to find another group to go with? At the very least, if she is set on this tour, she should come to an agreement with the tour leader on what she will do if she can’t keep up, and whether she will receive any refund for days when she can’t do the set itinerary. I would also look into other tours - Elderhostel comes to mind, or a tour offered through a museum’s education program - that have a slower pace.

anisky · May 6, 2005, 12:27pm

I haven’t read everything on the board, but I really think that you shouldn’t have to worry about your 18 year old daughter doing Paris by herself some of the time. I’m 18 and I’m doing all of Europe by myself for two months!! Most of it is really very safe, even for those who don’t speak the language.

MIL taking daughter to Paris

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