Lol @busdriver11.
"I suspect that when most of us think of our kids “moving out,” we think of them staying in the same metropolitan area, or at least within easy driving distance of home. But this doesn’t always happen. "
It so happens that one kid is back in our metro area and another is a few hours away by car, but we had no expectations that that would have happened. D wanted to stay in Boston but her job offer came through way too late after she had committed to a job here. S would love to get to DC (he’s in govt/politics) but that hasn’t happened.
S1 lives at home. He is 29 and does not seem eager to move out. He has a propensity to do everything that is the least difficult, whatever it is.
I quess we should give him a deadline to move out. We do charge him rent and he has to pay for his car ( insurance and repair), etc.,health, dental, retirement, vacation, etc. iOW, everything.
So why are we not forcing him out? He obviously is okay living at home. We enjoy having him here.
He has a gf. She lives with her parents. They get together every weekend as they live an hour apart. Have been together for about 3 years. It is currently working for them.
Some parents collect rent from their “kids” and then give it back (or a portion) when they move out. It helps with security deposit, moving expenses, down payment, etc.
My S has a 1-year commitment that is over in July. He is interested in going to grad school which would be fall of 2017. It’s unclear now whether his next job is going to be in his current town, or in our city, but if it’s our city, he would only be here for a year before going off to school and frankly, why go through the hassle of finding a place for a year when he could live with us and save money? It’s up to him, of course. But he’d be totally welcome. And I wouldn’t even bother with charging rent. He’s responsible, frugal and hard-working; I don’t need to “teach him any lesson” and it’s not like he’s clubbing it or anything.
Dd can live me with as long as she wants. I have no issue with that. I would love the company. She can save on her expenses and build her nest egg.
My folks never charged any of my sibs any rent, no matter how much they made or how long they lived with my folks. I’ve never charged my kids rent either and don’t foresee doing so if they were to live with us in the future.
I charged them a pittance, on principle. But family decisions on this are all over the map. My D1 is astounded her hs bff’s parents are buying her and her sister a condo outside Boston. So be it.
Isn’t the show “crowded” supposed to be a sitcom/drama about boomerang kids? Saw bits of it–not my taste–too melodramatic and cliched.
Thing is, our old view of boomerangs was the kid living in the basement, not trying hard to find a job. So many more of us now seem to have kids who do work (or are looking purposefully,) are responsible, can interact as busdriver’s “FOA.” That’s so different.
I’ve even got friends who, for various reasons, share a home with their adult children and grandchildren (usually separate living spaces and none of them doing it out of financial need.) It works for them.
Part of this is probably due to a record number of people attending college. It’s typical for a college student to live with their parents during summers
We covered the cost of college for our children. When they graduate, we tell them they can live with us for a year, totally expense free. We encourage them to save as much money as possible since they have no student loans. However, after a year, it is time for them to move out.
Our first daughter lived with us for the year and then moved out. Our second daughter just graduated and her new job is taking her to another area, so she will not live at home. I do not foresee our son coming home after graduation either.
Everyone has to do what works for them.
Not all parents have homes/apartments large enough for kids to return to.
I’ve never completely understood the seemingly American practice of booting young adults out of the home fairly early in life. I don’t think other cultures necessarily do it that way.
Agree with the point upthread - many of these young people are working very hard to pay off loans, save, etc. If a kid is playing and failing to “launch” that’s something different. Then I think the parents are in the role of enablers.
Americans have historically really valued independence, making one’s own way in the world. That may be changing now, but clearly the remnants of that POV remain.
I would like my D to fully launch once she leaves for college, returning only for breaks and visits, but she will always be welcome to return for longer stays as needed to get herself established. My sibs and I were always able to go home and live with our parents to save money, no matter what age and whether we had a spouse and/or children in tow.
I don’t think our culture did it that way, either, until the last couple of generations. My parents and my father’s sisters are examples:
Except for his three years in the service, my father lived with his parents until he got married at 29. My mother lived with her widowed mother until she got married at 27, except for one year when she had a job in a different city, when she shared an apartment with a friend (the job didn’t work out, so she moved back home). My father’s two sisters never married. One never moved out of her parents’ home (until the parents died and the house was sold). The other moved out to live with a grandparent but then returned to the parents’ home after the grandparent died.
I think this is the way it used to be (except that my relatives tended to get married rather late or not at all). People lived with their parents (or in some instances with other family members) until (1) they got married, (2) they had some need – which was less common than it is now – to move to another geographic area, or (3) the parents died.
@Marian - that’s a good point. I had a great aunt who never married and stayed with her parents all her life.
And what about the old farming families where multiple generations worked the land?
Maybe this is a relatively modern American cultural thing.
It used to be more common for young people to live with their parents until marriage. But don’t forget that young women did not typically have jobs that paid enough for financial independence. There were laws that prevented young single women from signing leases or buying homes. At the same time most young men had no domestic skills.
It is a different world today. People get married later, more young people go to college (especially women) , etc.
I have a friend from another part of the world where it’s very common for multiple generations to live together, and where the American practice is unusual.
I’m sort of in the middle on the issue. If the adult kids are responsible and productive, and don’t expect the Ritz Carlton service level - it can work fine. If they are entitled and unmotivated, it’s a different story.
That being said, when my boys are home I snap into “Mom” mode. But when I go to my mom’s home I do the same thing, and I’m 46. I let her make the coffee, prepare most of the food, etc.
It’s hard to get out of that mode sometimes.