<p>My daughter is a freshman and her school is 2 hours away. I don’t think I have ever seen her so miserable and I am powerless to fix anything. Everything is terrible when she calls. The internet is terrible, professors are terrible, she misses her dog. She hates being away from home. When she calls, I can’t seem to ever say the right thing. Hearing her so unhappy breaks my heart. Does anyone have any advice for me?</p>
<p>Maybe a visit is in order to see if this is just normal freshman homesickness or something more. Keep in mind that many kids call Mom to vent and then are fine afterward, while Mom is left an emotional wreck. I heard this referred to as dropping a Mom Bomb. But it is very normal for kids to be homesick for 6 weeks or more. Does she seem to be making friends and getting involved in activities?</p>
<p>I agree … a visit may be in order. Be prepared to listen a lot and promise little. And if it was me, I’d take along a handful of McDonald’s job applications, W4 Forms, rental applications, credit applications, etc. to start filling out whenever tears threaten.</p>
<p>My son was miserable at his first school. He never worked hard in high school so, as a result, got into a third tier state school. His brother loved his college experience and this was nothing like that. Add all of his high school friends who claimed to “love” their school, even after only a few days. From the onset, we knew he would transfer so that made it somewhat bearable for him. He was a four hour drive away so I would visit and stay a few days and then he would drive home often. He made an effort to stay over the weekends but this took time. It was a long school year. But by the end of the year he was starting to acclimate. He also knew he was leaving.
My advice would be to take this approach and allow her to transfer if the need arises. We made it through. Be supportive and help in the transfer search so she sees a way out. She may not need it but having the option may make it easier.</p>
<p>Two hours is close enough that you can visit her a couple times a month.</p>
<p>I was miserable for my first year and a half at school.</p>
<p>Then things got better.</p>
<p>I was in your shoes when D2 was a freshman. Lots of very kind people on CC got me through! It’s so hard to know that your child is so unhappy.</p>
<p>D2 is a senior at the same school where she started. Most of her issues were roommate related but everything is connected. A few weeks ago we talked about her misery back then. It’s still not funny but she can see what she did right and what she did wrong. Hanging in there was right. Not leaving the roommate was wrong. Getting involved in activities was right. Making friends outside of the dorm was right. Letting the roommate have as much control as she did was wrong. Keeping her grades very high was right.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. Go for a visit. Have lunch, buy some shoes, take the dog along if that would help. Be kind, be loving, be supportive and understanding. Then leave, even if she is crying. Even if she runs after the car (D2 did NOT do that but I had a cousin who did).</p>
<p>KDS, your story was my story last year. Everytime S called it was a negative experience - bad food, terrible teacher, stupid kids partying, annoying wireless not working…and on and on. I had never experienced my normally happy, glass half full kid being this down. Things took time…a lot of it! We allowed him to come home enough - maybe once or twice a month - or we went down. That helped him to know a time to “touch base” with home was going to happen. </p>
<p>Second semester improved some - Christmas break did a WORLD of good - to realize he made it through one semester and to give him enough time (more than just a weekend) to get his “old self” back. While I often thought of it, I tried to not bring up the transfer idea at all first semester. And I also learned to tell him that he could vent to me, but sometimes I had to request that we only talk about some positives too - no matter how small! I needed that!</p>
<p>This year is better. Not perfect, but better. He said an interesting thing the other day when he called me. He was referring to a situation last year - can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something that he had to do again this year. It involved interacting with other students. He said, “I remember last year I hated “blank” event - or maybe I just didn’t allow myself to enjoy it”. That was a poignant remark because I honestly think he had himself so dug into the negative hole last year, it was so hard to dig out of it and ALLOW something to do right.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. Find someone to talk to and vent yourself even if it’s just US. :)</p>
<p>When my son was a freshman he was miserable, too. His situation was different- not homesickness since he had been a boarding student in high school. He actually went AWOL from his school (an Ivy) briefly 2nd semester. We told him that was unacceptable, that he could do transfer applications, but that he had to finish the year. He did both, and ultimately stayed at the school, changed some things for himself, and had a good 3 years.</p>
<p>I would assess the situation, tell your daughter that if she is still miserable by February that she can do transfer apps, but that she has to finish 1 year.</p>
<p>a) she can live at home, if that helps</p>
<p>b) has she just started college? it wouldn’t be that strange if this is the case. you’re going to go through some minor culture shock (I would say about a month, but it varies person to person)</p>
<p>How long has she been at school? Has she been home yet?</p>
<p>D1 says her limit without coming home for a recharge visit is 4 weeks. She’s a sophomore now and she’s hitting up on 6 weeks with her first trip home this coming weekend. She wants to sleep in her bed, not be “on” all the time, and see her cat. Plus eat at our local hole in the wall mexican restaurant.</p>
<p>It’s a big adjustment and 2 hours isn’t that far away. Can you spend the weekend there so she can crash in your hotel room or bring her home for two nights?</p>
<p>I think the thing to remember is to do what’s right and helpful for YOUR situation and not what we think or get the impression is the way it should be (for instance, we hear stories of many kids who leave in August and don’t come home till Thanksgiving - that’s not for everyone!). </p>
<p>If bringing her home for a weekend would be welcome by her do it. If you going to visit and pampering her for a day would be helpful do it! </p>
<p>I know this may sound weird, but my kids both have thought that it was a bit of a hard adjustment going from having a whole house (ours) to lounge around and live in and at college to be stuck in a little square room ( or whatever ) - and especially if your child isn’t getting out a lot, they are spending even MORE time in that little room.</p>
<p>Sometimes the most important thing to do is listen. S1 says that after two hours of talking he gets perspective on what is bugging him and figures out ways to look at things more constructively. I try not to "fix’ things for him. He likes to figure out solutions for himself so I hold my tongue with all of my “solutions.” I have experienced the “mom bomb” many times. Sometimes the most serious concerns are expressed in person. I had heard many times that D3 was having roommate issues. She mentioned things like “they don’t like the smells of the foods I cook” and "they don’t clean up the kitchen. " I didn’t realize until we talked in person that there were a series of unfamiliar males sleeping on the couch in the shared living room every weekend when she got up early to go work-out. She needed some help to figure that one out! It was not only hard to study but she was quite scared.</p>