Missing My Child When She Will Be Gone

Parent Cafe
21

OP. my “baby” is in her freshman year, and today is her birthday. I had a nice little cry while putting together a Facebook birthday post with photos of years gone by, but as I said in that post, she is exactly where she needs to be, doing what she needs to be doing. That SHE is happy makes ME happy, even if it’s from a distance.

Here’s how things have played out here-though as always, YMMV. D was very, very busy her senior year, even busier than she might have been, because she skipped her junior year to graduate early. So she was busy the summer before senior year too. Sometimes it seemed like we only saw her in the car driving to or from one thing to another-and that includes weekends. But we took advantage of the time we did have, even if it was in the car, or watching a school activity. And I did a lot of listening as she worked through out loud how she was dealing with the impending changes.

She is happy and thriving at college, though of course we got a teary homesick phone call about 6 weeks in. And when she was actually SICK and called all miserable, that made ME pretty miserable. But she texts daily and calls most days, even if it’s just a walk from one class to another. She will always need me, even though HOW she needs me will change, just as I called my mother when I needed advice when I was 40 and she was 65, and when SHE called HER mother at 65 and 88. It’s just a new normal, as I call it.

As for my husband and I, we met, got married and had our kiddo all within about a year. And I had 2 older kids and an ex to deal with. Then it turned out that our D was one of those always in motion people, so we didn’t get a lot of time alone together. But now we do. We’re enjoying that. We have unstructured weekends for the first time in almost 20 years. We eat what we want, when we want, or we have popcorn for dinner in front of the TV. We go out. We walk. We sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s been fun, even if sometimes I get teary.

In the months just before D left, some days I would just sit there and cry. But when we actually launched her, I was happy for her. It was clear that she was ready, and how can you mourn getting your child to where they belong? That’s my feeling, anyway. As others have said, just going with the flow and it will all work itself out in the end. You will always have a role in your D’s life. It will be different, but no less important.

22

That’s not what parents are mourning. They’re mourning for the end of a stage in their own lives that they found particularly meaningful.

23

Yes, @Marian . #21 hits the nail on the head. Here is what I have discovered, over the last nearly 18 years… You find out you are pregnant, and you start worrying. You have a baby, and you never stop worrying. You just find new and improved things to worry about:-)

24

Echoing @compmom - be glad she can leave the next! I have one with serious health issues and I doubt she will even be able to live away at college. She is very bright but college is not even in the picture now. I cry at least once a week seeing her on the couch just trying to get thru a day. It gives me great pain to think of where I anticipated she would be at this age.

I would give anything to be crying over missing her in college.

25

@surfcity, I’m right there with you. My 24-year-old son was close to getting his college degree, but it looks as if his mental illness won’t permit him to finish. Since he was born on my 30th birthday, I’m always thinking about what I was doing at exactly at his age. At his age, my new husband and I had just gotten our master’s degrees and were about to move cross-country to Maine. We were so excited! It makes me sad that my son is not experiencing that.

26

Yep.

Mine are 30 and 27 and entirely competent and independent, yet I still worry. One of them’s engaged now, so I worry about her future husband, too (even though he has his own parents to do that for him).

My parents got divorced when I was 9 and my sister was 6, but they were reasonably cooperative as co-parents until we were grown. What I didn’t learn until after they died was that they continued to communicate with each other about us for decades after we were adults. I found letters from each of them to the other discussing their concerns about events in our adult lives – our career decisions, health problems, personal relationships, etc. They never stopped worrying, and even though they basically couldn’t stand each other, they never stopped thinking and sharing their thoughts and worries about their adult children.

27

The emotions are so much the same for all of us (with or without the amplification of menopausal hormones!), yet the details are so individual. Dropping your child off next September will probably be as distressing as you anticipate, but there’s no reason for it to make this year distressing as well. Use this is a year to start laying the groundwork for the next phase – transitioning to a parent child relationship between two adults. Make sure your child can bring problems to you and make sure that you are a good listener and someone who can help them figure out what to do (rather than solving problems for them.)

I have been assured that this phase can actually be the best.

And @MaineLonghorn, thank you for that post and hugs to you. You remind me that while leaving a child at college is heartbreaking, it is in fact in accordance with the “plan” that most of us have had for our kids lives. Having the good fortune to stay “on plan” is something for which we should all be grateful.

28

My youngest, D2, left in August for her Freshman year, 12 hours away. She is very independent, and drove there by herself, so I didn’t have the experience of dropping her off, like I did with D1. It’s been very hard, but I’m slowly adjusting. I convinced her to fly home this past weekend, since she had Friday off. She was only home 48 hours, but it was wonderful seeing her. It lifted my spirits so much to have her home, and know that she is adjusting well at school. I think it will continue to get easier as time goes by.

29

For those with kids who have medical or psychiatric issues that affect the leavetaking, I truly believe things tend to work out. I remember posting something similar to Mainelonghorn and Surfcity a few years back and now my kid with medical issues is in a PhD program across the country. I never would have believed it. And it isn’t that she is totally better either. Another one of my kids has a mental health diagnosis that is fairly serious and is doing school slowly but lives on her own and works hard at her job. I am proud of all of them. And whether they are away at school or living nearby or even if they have come home to the proverbial basement, things will never be the same as they were, and that is how it should be.

30

I now realize why people cherish their grandchildren so much. They are little replicas of our babies. My kid is now 20 and a junior. I miss her most days. We talk or text almost everyday. Today for instance she texted to tell me it was snowing. She was home for fall break last week. It was nice to see her, but for those 5 days we ran almost the whole time to doctor’s appointments, hair appointments and shopping for jeans. I was actually glad she got back on train to school. Only 25 days till she’s home for Thanksgiving!! I know she is in her space and is growing into a person in her own right. Just like I talked to my mom every day until her death at 86, my kid wants to talk to me. Usually about just normal day to day stuff. It’s funny, many folk on her said their kids call while they are walking from place to place. What is that about? I guess that is just when they have the free time.

31

Got calls from both of my kids today when they were walking, one to a class, one to a meeting.

32

Heck, I want to room with my daughter at college. :wink:

Not really, but I absolutely understand your feelings - and my oldest is only a junior. I look at her and think “I can’t imagine the time will come when I can’t hug you every day.”

I don’t have any real advice since I haven’t gone through it yet. I think, however, that you can hear the advice but still have your feelings. Don’t let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong. You need to let yourself feel them, and work through them. I hope that my daughter misses me just enough to call and visit, but not so much that she is miserable and wants to come home every weekend. I’ve done my job if she can fly on her own, but still come back to the nest. :slight_smile:

Now that I am on the brink of that stage of life, I have even more respect for my mother. A year after my father died, I went to college a couple hours away. I was the baby, too. I’m sure she cried a little too but I never saw it.

33

I understand where you are coming from completely. It sucks (REALLY sucks) to have to let them go. I have two college Sophomores and a hs Senior who has his foot half way out the door, as well as one little one.

When we dropped the twins at their respective schools last year for Freshman year (both very far OOS), I held it together for them… and then completely lost it once we got home. I had my cry (big cry…ok several day cry) and then delved into work, increasing social activities with my husband and friends, and spending time with my other two children. That’s what everyone tells you will make it better, right? Well, for me, not so much - that stuff just kept me busy but did not truly make it easier. It just took time.

The countdown to the first parents weekends seemed interminable, and then to the holidays. I constantly knew how many days there were until our visits. And I was sad. A lot! I was not sad for them - they were having the time of their lives. I was sad for me - that I didn’t get to be there to see them through both high times and low and that I felt like I didn’t know as much about their day to day life as I did before. I know, I know - that is supposed to be the goal as a parent, but knowing that didn’t help. It still felt weird. And sad.

And then, sometime towards the Spring of their Freshman year, the fog started to lift. I saw how happy they were and found that I still talked to them (not as much as I want, but more than the once a week that so many books seem to recommend :-p). It just gradually started to feel more normal. The remaining children at home found their new groove and new place in the family and things just seemed less oppressive.

I was lucky to have both of the kids come home for chunks of the summer (about a month each) between other activities. So, drop off Sophomore year was a bit hard again as I had just happily gotten used to having them home. But it wasn’t AS hard and my “blueness” lasted only a couple of weeks. It is becoming normal. (I say that now but my 3rd will be out the door as a freshman next year and my D will be going on back-to-back travel abroads next summer and then fall semester, so we won’t see her for a good 6-7 months).

Hang in there. It can and will get better. I would think getting an apartment near your child will only extend the inevitable. That separation has to come for them to develop into the independent adults that we know they can be and that they want to be. But it isn’t easy (at least is wasn’t for me - some of my friends went through it with smooth sailing). Look for support from other moms who are going through the same thing. It helps to talk. Sending hugs your way!

34

The day I dropped my daughter off at school I was a mess. LOL. I was saying the right things, and being encouraging and supportive, and keeping it brief…but my eyes and nose leaked the whole time. Did that horrible thing where you’re laughing at how ridiculous it is that you’re crying…so I laughed and cried at the same time and hugged the snot out of the kid like a demented mental patient.

Oh My God it SUCKS to drop them off that first time! LOL. Felt like I was selling my child to the gypsies. Pulling the curtains on this huge chapter of my life beyond which uncertainty and sorrow loomed. I was a drama queen. Spent the entire summer before she left grieving her leaving home so much that it sucked the joy out of “our last summer”.

LOL. “Our LAST summer” was almost as grim an occasion as the LAST SUPPER. Everything we did was marked by that hellish realization. OMG, this might be the LAST time we go to the zoo as a family. This might be the LAST time we take a vacation together. This might be the LAST time we get ice cream at the beach. I was truly screwy, and looking back, I feel so bad that I worked myself up like that. I did a good job of keeping these obsessive thoughts internal for the most part, but still…what a waste of emotional energy. What a missed opportunity for joy!

Had to stop for gas right after we dropped her off and the Indian attendant at the gas station asked me if I was ok. I told him I just dropped my daughter off at school for the first time and was being a little silly and emotional. He goes, “This is a good day for your family. The happiest day. You should be so very proud and happy she has such an opportunity. You did a wonderful job, Mama, please don’t cry.” He handed me Kleenex and winked at me. What a nice man, will always remember his kindness.

After driving for a couple hours, we stopped at this dive truck stop restaurant. We’d just ordered, when it became apparent it was Karaoke Night for the locals. The singing was so incredibly bad, I was having the worst time not laughing…and crying. Was just amazingly bad. My husband was fighting to keep a straight face, too. I took a few seconds of video from the worst version of “Stand By Your Man” that I’ve ever heard…and sent it to my kid.

I was sitting in a dim single stall bathroom with a bare lightbulb flickering menacingly when I got her text: OMG…WHERE ARE YOU??? I took a photo of the sign on the establishment that featured a grotesque flea bitten wolf and sent it. Then, sent a picture of my food.

She, in turn, said she was laughing her ass off…and sent a fantastic photo of herself taken with a street performer, and a pic of her newly set up dorm space.

It was right there…in the midst of Karaoke Hell…that I knew we were going to be ok.

It’s funny how that realization hits you…and it will. Not saying it’s always an easy time of transition, but I promise you’ll get there.