Last night I was so sad, knowing that my BABY will be leaving to live at college in under a year. Is that unhealthy ? My
Older child already graduated from college, and I was in a serious depressed state for a month after she left the house 5 years ago.
Honestly, I want to get an apartment near wherever my child goes to school so I can be near her. My children have been my life for the past 22 plus years. Yes I am married… DH sympathizers but thinks I am going overboard. I agree, but these are my feelings. I will not have any children at home during the week, no o e to pick up after, no one to really shop for, etc. I think it is homesickness in reverse. How do I make the most of the time we h as 've now and not go into depression next year ? I am also in the midst of menopause, so I think that is adding to my emotions.
There is a great book out there called “Letting Go”. Well worth the read.
Do you have a job? If not, can you do some significant volunteer work?
I volunteered at my kids’ high school serving on an advisory committee, and also helping the transition for officers for an organization I was president of for seven years. I weaned myself off of it…because really…current parents needed to be there.
I did miss my kids, but to be honest I did NOT miss the “stuff”…driving lol over kingdom come, and all,the other things you do when your kids live at home.
Not having those responsibilities freed up time for me to do some things I enjoyed…especially in the evenings when I had previously been attending their activities.
So…look for things to do yourself. Find things to put in the time…a job, volunteering, etc.
And please…don’t rent an apartment near your college kiddo. This is a time for that student to spread their wings and fly.
Do you work outside the home? Do volunteer work?
It’s fine to admit to yourself that you would love to live near where your child goes to school, I think a lot of us would love to be a fly on the wall of child’s life, but as long as you know that’s an unrealistic fantasy, it’s okay.
As I am sure you have considered, part of a parent’s job is to make sure their child develops wings and is able to succeed on their own. And while I love my children’s company, I am careful not to let them be the center of my existence.
If you have focused on nothing but your children up till now, I would start now to develop some other relationships and other areas where you feel productive, whether that’s getting paid employment or doing volunteer work that’s meaningful to you or getting more engaged in other areas of your life - meeting friends for lunch or at the gym, date nights with DH, your place of worship or community center, going to arts/music events.
In short, develop a life that you will look forward to engaging in once your baby leaves the next, so you look forward to trying that new restaurant, seeing a play, hiking a new trail or sinking your teeth into a new work project next fall.
Part of life is that your children grow up and move along. Both of mine have already graduated college and in case, grad school but we are very close, speak/text every day for the most part and really enjoy our time spent together. In college although they are away, they are also home alot with breaks and the college year seems to zip by very quickly. In my case, my d’s would call frequently while walking from place to place and there was also the 11 PM, I am going to send you a paper. Please proofread and call so we can discuss. That gets old pretty fast but I was always happy to do it. Both of mine communicated a fair amount about what was going on in their lives, advice, etc. You do get used to all the comings and goings.
I think it would be better for your child if she sees you have a life beyond her, starting right now.
I miss mine fiercely. But do NOT get an apartment near her campus. She has to start her adult life. Give her the space to do that.
I think we all go through this. But it’s a time for us to grow, too. And part of that is setting a good example for them, letting them see the right grounding and balance as individuals and then for their own relationships.
I’ve shared before that the mom of one of D1’s freshman roomies got a job across the street from college, so she could see her daughter lots. The other girls- and the daughter- were horrified. Mom’s dependency distanced the girl from her mother.
Be a wise mom.
Stop and ask yourself what you did BK (before kids). Stop and ask yourself what you did with your husband BK and resume! And no don’t move near your D…it is time for her to start making adult memories of her own.
I was in a similar frame of mind a year ago. Minus the wanting to get an apartment near my kid. Here is something no one tells you, except me. I would get tearful every time I thought of her going, then I was a basket case for the week before she left. I actually made things worse for her, I now realize, by carrying on about her going. The anticipation was FAR worse than once she was actually gone, except for those first couple of days (which sucked, being honest.)
My daughter left for college in August. I was DYING to see her at parents weekend a couple of weeks ago. I was a little tearful saying good bye. Then, she was just home for a short break and left today. I feel sad, but I also feel like it gets a little easier each time. Maybe because I know she will be home in a month. This is hard, but they have to become adults and we can’t stop them. And we don’t want to stop them, do we?
You know, them leaving isn’t just about us, our feelings today. We’re also hoping they develop in the right ways, as they enter young adulthood. We should also be looking at how our relationships with them start to evolve, so that, over the next decades, things are good. Can’t do this with clingy. Or with the picture of mom home weeping or bored. Or dependent on them.
Both of mine stayed in regular contact. They wanted us at Parents Weekend. They brought friends home. I’m not saying it’s all perfect, it’s not. But now, post-college, we have a nice thing going with mutual respect and we like each other for good reasons. More than just our roles in the family. Think about it. Try to find yourself. It’s a good thing.
And there are a couple of threads on empty nesters.
Our jobs as parents are to raise our kids to want us but not need us. Feeling sad when they leave is a natural emotion.
What happens when she gets married? Enjoy every minute of her high school life. Steer her toward schools in your region where you can visit her a few times at college.
Your feelings are valid. You’re at the end of a long haul that’s been a 24/7 job for umpteen years. It’s like forced retirement. 20 plus years and then…get a new job. And everyone but you is happy you’re done!
You should be thrilled but you’re not.
It’s good you already recognize your feelings. Heck, I cry every time a kid leaves the house! It’s just me.
So go ahead and indulge a bit in the pity party you know you’ll have anyway for a week or so and then buck up. Hang around the “empty nest” thread on CC.
No moving anywhere (though I know the feeling). No long distance helicoptering. The kiddos will fly by if they need you. Next time meet them as young adults rather than “just the kids”
Time to focus on yourself. Big time. Rediscover you.
You aren’t a whole lot different right now than your kids trying to discover what they really want to do in life,
What do you want to major in? Interests? Community service?
Difference is–you will automatically be accepted! And you can change major without drop-add and semester goals.
No grades.
I was VERY sad and depressed when our oldest left home. For months. But after we dropped off our youngest at college this August, DH and I decided to celebrate. We went to an amusement park near our daughter’s college and acted like teenagers. Now we make a habit of watching movies together at night and eating popcorn. We love it that the kitchen is clean when we come down in the morning. We take off on a moment’s notice and don’t have to worry about making plans for the kids. We eat what WE want to, and all the junk food is out of the house. We feel like we’re getting away with something every day! Try to remember what it was like when it was just your husband and yourself. What did you do for fun? How did you stay occupied? That’s really made a big difference for me. 
When you build your life around your children it is hard to let them go even though their independence and happiness are what you want. Acknowledge your feelings but do not act on them.
I didn’t have empty nest syndrome at the start of college because D came home at regular predictable intervals. But now that she has graduated and has moved away and is working, I feel it terribly. I also know that it’s the way it should be, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. The active mothering phase is over.
You’re not unhealthy for being sad about your baby leaving. My baby is leaving next year as well…we can be sad together! I have one other DD who just left for college this year and dropping her off was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But it gets easier with time and knowing how happy she is makes me happy too. Also social media is a blessing. We FaceTime, text or snapchat every day. So I feel Ike I am with her. I am not looking forward to next year and being an empty nester. But i know we are a close family and we will always be close. (I keep telling myself that!) Enjoy every moment, I know I am.
You are mourning the loss of something that you value greatly–daily contact with your daughter. It is okay to mourn. Do not let it ruin your time with her now however. Keep it private and focus with her on all the new and exciting things that will be going on in both of your lives. If you ever wanted a pet, get one after she leaves. Take that trip that was too expense or did not work with her school schedule. Take that class. It does get easier. I have a freshman and it was really hard for a while but he is doing so well and so am I.
Sometimes those whose lives are built around children have an easier time letting go, because they have had all the time they could want with the kids.
No matter what, it is hard. I helps to start preparing mentally for this transition well beforehand.
One of mine has serious health issues. Along with worry, I have to say I am ecstatic that she could leave, no matter how much I miss her.
Oddly, you may be more heavily involved in her life at that point than you have been in years. Wedding planning is often a team sport.
[Full disclosure: My daughter, who has been out of college and on her own for more than five years, is getting married next September.]
OP, the part of your life where being a custodial parent is your core focus only represents at most about a third of your expected lifetime, and for many people a lot less than that. The part of your life that’s beginning now will – I hope – last a long time and bring many joys. You should embrace it.
You also ask (and no one has answered) how you can make the most of the time that’s left when your child is at home. That’s a tricky one, because I think for most kids this year is not really for cherishing the last moments of childhood so much as experimenting with ways to leave childhood behind. If you think you are anxious about your child leaving home, imagine how she feels, whether or not she admits it! Like you, she knows in her heart, and feels in her body, that she won’t be able to cut every tie at once next fall. She has probably already begun to snip them one by one, while she still has lots of support from you, and that process is likely to accelerate over the course of the year. Get in the way of it, and you may find that far from making the most of the time that’s left, you are making it unbearable for yourself and for her.
I don’t think there are any fail-safe methods or instructions for balancing both of your complementary needs for increasing independence and occasional, sweet closeness. (Complementary, but not necessarily coordinated, unfortunately.) You, and everyone else, have to play it by ear. When there’s an opportunity for closeness, take advantage, and savor it, and when it turns out that the opportunity is for independence, take advantage of that, and learn to savor it as well. And be confident that while your relationship with your child is changing in some really significant ways, you aren’t “losing” her at all, and there will be lots of special moments in the years to come.