<p>I know we’re supposed to let go and allow our children to spread their wings, but are any of you missing your kids? Our son is a sophomore and our daughter is a freshman. Our daughter only communicates if she needs or wants something. This “cold turkey” is driving me crazy. We’re thrilled she’s so happy but feel forgotten. Anybody else in the same boat?</p>
<p>it is very normal. I called my parents everyday from school…my youngest brother to this day years out of college almost never calls and almost never returns phone calls. he is not angry, mean, bad…he just has always been that way i guess. it drives my parents nuts.</p>
<p>Yes, I miss my freshman D. We are adjusting to our empty nest, and still looking for things to do in our downsized family.</p>
<p>I also have a step D that is over 30, married with kids. Although she does call from time to time just to say hi, mostly I only hear from her when things are not so good -a kid got sick, fight with MIL etc. I usually have to follow up if I send gifts for her kids - like an email or text - did you get the gifts etc.(She never was in our nest, so to speak so there is a difference there too.) My own D also “forgets” to say she got a package that I sent her. I just keep prodding about those kinds of things, but unless it is waaay too long that I haven’t heard (and of course for these two it is quite different), I wait to hear from them. </p>
<p>See if she can agree to text or call at a regular set time when it won’t take time from her obligations or fun just to keep in touch. Everyone has time to do that.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>I think you set the expectation. We call our son or text, I don’t necessarily wait for him to contact me. And we have conversations about how we love him and want to know about his life. </p>
<p>But yes, I miss him and we’re getting him used to communicating with us so we aren’t strangers a few years down the road.</p>
<p>Every family handles this differently. I knew I was going to have a hard time and we all agreed on a weekly skype date. Sunday afternoon seemed to work best. He’ll text when he’s up and set a time based on his study schedule (and football games). Every once in a while he’ll ask if we can swap to Monday, but rarely. He’s now a second year and this has worked beautifully. I’m never left wondering when I’ll hear from him again and can always look forward to our family Skype dates (he always wants to see the dog who goes nuts!). Rarely, if there is something immediate, I’ll text and ask him to call (family emergency, etc), otherwise I’ve never called him. He’ll call about once a week walking from class, and texts several times a week to tell us about tests or silly things. I don’t initiate contact unless I have a seriously ridiculous picture of his brothers or dad to text. He likes being kept in the family loop.</p>
<p>I feel for you, unfortunately it gets worse before it gets better. S1 is a senior and has only been home for 3 weeks since last april. Summer research, on campus job, search for grad school, friends, … While it stinks to not see him (he does call a couple times a week) its good to watch him growing into the man we had hoped.</p>
<p>Ditto about contact, we let him initiate and its works pretty well.</p>
<p>My husband emails my son every day with a report of what we have been up to or about football or basketball games he watched. It’s only a few lines and he does not expect or ask for a reply. However, he does get a reply about 80% of the time, and then H shares that with me. It’s a nice low pressure way of staying in touch. If we asked him to call once a week, it would not happen since he hates talking on the phone (and we are awkward texters).</p>
<p>My oldest leaves for college this fall. I am horrified over how it will be. I have had a child that died and honestly, this feels a little like I am waiting for my child to die. I have a feeling he will speak to me that much. In fact, I am starting to cry just typing this.</p>
<p>I do miss my child terribly but I try to not show it to him (or the nasty, hateful people I work with). I was very worried I would send him off, he would have the time of his life, and I would be left in the dust.</p>
<p>But…as it turns out, he is not having the time of his life. Due to little situations that have risen, issues he needed/wanted guidance on, etc…I think we have actually become a lot closer. I think we are going to look back on this year as him getting his feet wet and learning some things that will (hopefully) only make next year so much better.</p>
<p>I go back and forth between missing him and feeling sad, to feeling greatful that he is at college and can do this, to jealous that I didn’t go the college route. Wish I would have. Funniest parts for me is he is only 20 minutes away (silly to miss him as much as I do and extremely hard to not go down there when he is having troubles-have not done that) and I work at a school and have actually be getting jealous of the parents who call their kids in absent. </p>
<p>@Imkh70- I am so sorry for the loss of your child. And I am sorry you are having a hard time with your oldest leaving. Crying is good-I may have to do it more often!! :-)</p>
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<p>Mine are 26 and 23, and I’m still waiting for it to get better.</p>
<p>I’m proud of the independent adults they have become and of the careers and lives that they are developing, but I miss them terribly.</p>
<p>Oddly, I even miss them on the rare occasions when I’m with them. This feeling didn’t seem to make sense at first, but now I realize that I’m really missing the children they used to be and the role that I used to play in their lives. Those children no longer exist, and that role is over.</p>
<p>I suspect that the only cure for this problem is grandchildren, but it somehow seems inappropriate to scold my offspring for not having enough unprotected sex. It might be bad for my credibility.</p>
<p>Miss my sweet D terribly! She moved 15 hours away to college this past fall…Lucky for me she texts numerous times throughout the day (but rarely calls) so I still feel very connected to her!
I am looking at moving closer to her as soon as possible!</p>
<p>I miss my boys! The only thing that has kept me sane is that their iphones have a feature which allows me to see when they have “read” my text. With this, I know they are alive and I somehow feel that a “communication” has occurred. </p>
<p>My H intentionally keeps their bank account balances low so they are forced to call periodically:p</p>
<p>i miss my boys, too. one son always replies and stays in touch. the other ignores almost all forms of communication. i try not to take it personally, but it really hurts to be ignored until he decides he might “need” something</p>
<p>I still struggle with missing my kids and it’s always worst when they have been here for a break and then go back. The one thing I would say to the OP is that my youngest D totally pushed me away her first year of college and I was pretty crushed since we’d always been close. Looking back, I now think she needed to separate and that she probably missed me too. She gradually became more communicative and now as a recent graduate she calls often and we’re close again. So again, maybe I’m kidding myself but it may be that she does miss you very much and it will get better.</p>
<p>Then again, they say that if you want to hear from your kid at college, send a letter saying you’re enclosing $100 so he or she can take friends out for pizza. And then don’t enclose anything.</p>
<p>lmkh-I’m so sorry. My sister will send her oldest off to school in August also and also lost a child a few years ago. It’s not that I had not considered how she and her family will feel, but your post reminded me that it will be an especially difficult time for them. I’m sending some virtual hugs your way.</p>
<p>As I tell my wife, I know why people screw up their kids: at least then the kids will constantly need them and will stay around. I’m only half joking. Help build an independent person and your reward is independence not constant contact.</p>
<p>Lerg-YES! I think it’s easy to forget that just a generation ago when kids went off to college, daily, even weekly contact wasn’t even possible, never mind something like Skype or texting, unless the kids lived at home. I think my first dorm had one public phone for 120 kids. A few had in-room phones but with the LD rates that were charged back then, you needed to promise your first-born to be allowed to use one. </p>
<p>Today’s parents can be the polar opposite of our parents-instead of giving the kids wings, we flirt with keeping them tethered even well into adulthood. I think it’s a terrible trend and has done a great disservice to our children.</p>
<p>My oldest didn’t go to college-he joined the military and was soon sent to the Persian Gulf. I heard from him “live” exactly once the entire year he was overseas. I got a handful of emails and letters, and was grateful for them. That was actually not far from how my parents and THEIR parents had to deal with kids who left home. </p>
<p>Yes, it was hard, but I was proud that my S could actually live apart from me and take care of himself. That’s our job as parents, IMO. I think a lot of kids today aren’t expected to, and when they DO separate, they either can’t cut the cord or they REALLY separate and leave tethering parents berefit.</p>
<p>My middle kid lives in town, but not at home. I hear from her more often then when she lived away at school. But it’s on a more equal footing, not calls to help her figure things out, solve her problems or tell her how to do something. We talk about our days, her sister, brother, etc.</p>
<p>My youngest plans on going to school far out of state, and likely staying there, or some place like it. She talks often about it, though we’re very close. We talk about whatever technology will be in place by then so that we can stay in touch. But I’m under no illusions-I’ve taught her to seek her own path without feeling tethered to mine. And that’s as it should be.</p>
<p>of course that is how it should be. </p>
<p>and i think that is how i try to act for my children. but isn’t it ok to still say that i miss them?</p>
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<p>Those two things are not mutually exclusive. It depends on the kind of contact. These threads usually devolve into the parents with kids who don’t get in touch very often shaming those with kids who stay in touch. Each of us has a lot of nerve telling another parent how it “should be” with their kids.</p>
<p>Sure-I never said I didn’t MISS them, but that it’s a new expectation that we should be in constant contact with them. I missed my son terribly. I also worried for his safety. I didn’t eat or sleep right for months. But I was ok with him LEAVING because that’s what I brought him up to be able to DO.</p>
<p>FWIW, my two grown kids are very different in communication, whether living at home or not. One is very chatty, the other has little to say unless it’s about work. The youngest never shuts up. I don’t expect that to change when she leaves. I do think too many parents EXPECT kids to be in contact far more often than WE were raised to be, and it has had the effect of limiting their independence.</p>