MIT short essay help please!

College Essays
1

<p>I heard that all MIT’s essays and short answers don’t change usually. I really wanted to get a head start on all my college application materials before my senior year in high school starts next week. This is one of the short answers and what I came up with.</p>

<p>“Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)”</p>

<p>Before, my first thought about engineering was that it was strictly limited to constructing machines like cars, developing home appliances, and performing tests on electrical equipment. Then, I became fascinated by what it offers to the medical field. When I discovered various aspects of biomedical engineering in medicine, I was enthusiastic to learn more. The more I learn about research in nanomedicine, the more interesting BME becomes. I believe it’s the solution for the diagnosis and treatment of any medical condition, especially for drug delivery and regenerative medicine. Nanoparticles have improved the pharmaceutical and therapeutic properties of drugs. They also have the practicality and preciseness required to target only malignant cells. This is what captivates my mind: the idea of using specifically engineered particles to cure diseases and solve other medical problems. When I envision my future career, I see myself in a hospital lab working on the next innovations in nanomedicine. I know this could keep me engaged my entire life.</p>

<p>It’s 163 words so I could use some editing help and any other advice.</p>

2

<p>Eliminate adjectives you don’t need and “filler” words like “that”. If what I remember is right, MIT’s application will cut off your text at around 100 words. So you want to make it as short as possible. </p>

<p>Oh, and stop posting your essays on public forums so other people can’t take them for their own and so that it doesn’t show up in a plagiarism search.</p>

3

<p>Agree with the first poster, trim it down. </p>

<p>“Before, my first thought about engineering was that it was strictly limited to constructing machines like cars, developing home appliances, and performing tests on electrical equipment.”</p>

<p>My initial impression of engineering was limited to constructing machines like cars, developing home applicances, and testing electrical equipment. </p>

<p>Some of the ideas expressed in the essay are repetitive, you should be able to whittle this down into a neat 100 words.</p>

<p>From Oliver Strunk:</p>

<p>“Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.”</p>

<p>ple·o·nasm/ˈplēəˌnazəm/Noun: The use of more words than are necessary to convey meaning (e.g., see with one’s eyes), either as a fault of style or for emphasis.</p>