<p>Until the beginning of this year I went to a large state school, but things got financially and academically unsustainable so i was forced to move back home and go to a CC. </p>
<p>i was horrified by this but there wasn’t much I could do to stop it. I wanted to get my own apartment but my parents simply would not allow this. They said I just didn’t have the housekeeping skill or responsibility to be living anywhere besides in a dorm and that they wouldn’t help me pay for an apartment. So I moved back into my house. I’m an only child. I have a part-time job and go to my local CC to help cover my part for groceries as well as spending money. My parents are very strict and conservative and even though I’m a college student I have a strict curfew, so my home life has been awful and I have only a few friends. I’ve also been clinically depressed and cry daily for almost no reason. I live in a small town where there’s very little to do. </p>
<p>This is all background though. Today I was in my room and suddenly my mom bursts in with her laptop in her hand demanding to know if I’ve been smoking pot (which btw, I don’t). Turns out I had been invited on Facebook to some sort of talk on marijuana legalization by one of my friends from university, a clear mass invite probably sent to all of this guy’s FB friends. She had on her screen one of my emails that said something like “You have been invited by x to x event,” the normal Facebook notification. </p>
<p>Well, we yelled at each other for a few minutes and then she revealed her rationale for reading my email, saying her house “her” emails and that if I was going to be living in her house and not paying rent then she had every right to my personal emails. When I asked how she even got my password in the first place she said that a few months ago I stayed logged in on her computer and she was somehow able to recover it by answering a security question (which I think is something like “In what town were you born”, something my mom would obviously know). </p>
<p>Needless to say, I went in and changed passwords immediately. I am just beside myself with absolute FURY. I have never been this angry with either of my parents or really with anyone. I can’t even look at my mom right now and if she tries to apologize (which she won’t) I wouldn’t accept it if she paid me. I know I’m being immature but you’d have to understand our family dynamic to get just how FRUSTRATING it is to live in my house with this woman. They absolutely treat me like a 9 year old and I don’t deserve that. If I leave my phone lying around she’ll read my text messages and interrogate me about them. I DON’T have a history of disobedience to my parents and during high school I was never in any trouble but they treated me like a criminal. </p>
<p>what would you do in this situation: should I go against my parents’ wishes and try to move out or just try to talk things through with them? My life is a living hell and frankly I’m just tired of it.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that this happened to you. You are right to change your passwords. After that, make sure that you have your computer set up that after a minute of non-use another password is needed.</p>
<p>*Until the beginning of this year I went to a large state school, but things got financially and academically unsustainable so i was forced to move back home and go to a CC. i was horrified by this but there wasn’t much I could do to stop it. I wanted to get my own apartment but my parents simply would not allow this. *</p>
<p>Can you clarify. If you had to leave your state school because your parents couldn’t afford it anymore, then why would you then expect to be able to live in an apartment?</p>
<p>BTW…was there really a financial crisis in the family? Or do you think one was invented as a reason to make you come back home?</p>
<p>How could you move out? How would you afford that?</p>
<p>I think that now that you’ve changed your passwords, then your mom will just have to deal with it.</p>
<p>When school starts in the fall, have reasons to be on campus most of the day…study groups, clubs, etc.</p>
<p>You were the idiot for even giving her access to your email in the first place.
There are some things that shouldn’t be available to parents, and email is one of them.</p>
<p>And don’t get mad if she reads your texts–your fault for not putting a passcode.</p>
<p>You need to set boundaries. You are a grown man…or woman. Regardless, you are your own person. It is in fact a felony to access someone’s personal email account without the account holder’s express permission. It is just like if you went through someone else’s mail. It’s a felony. Your parents are clearly overbearing. Don’t be reactive–be proactive. Be the change you want in your life. If you don’t challenge your current situation with ACTION, you’ll have many more days of crying in your room. Remember, “faith, without works, is dead.”</p>
<p>Agree that you and your parents should set up some rules and boundaries while you are living at home–but in a calm and reasoned manner, not yelling and screaming at each other. But let’s get real–until you become financially independent, your parents hold all the cards. Your job is to negotiate the best living conditions that you can while living off their largesse, all the while gaining their trust by being trustworthy and thereby gaining more freedom.</p>
<p>Why would you expect to be able to move out when you didn’t have enough money to stay in school? How would you pay to move out? The fact that you don’t seem to think of these things means you might not be as ready as you think…</p>
<p>I’m just not sure how having your mother read your emails would really matter? No one emails things that are that important, especially not as college students. My mother would read my emails and be like, oh you telling your boss you can come in next Friday is fascinating…you mean your professor cancelled class for snow even though the university didn’t close?..Those college list serves are like award winning novels. I truly feel like I have a window into your life…By the way you have five hundred facebook notifications, and your friends might be alcoholics.</p>
<p>Just because you live in your parents house does not mean that you are not entitled to your own privacy. What her mom did was a HUGE invasion of privacy. Her mom essentially hacked her e-mail account to spy on her.</p>
<p>You need to stand up to your parents now because if you don’t, they will just continue with the harassment.</p>
<p>Actually it wasn’t hacking. It was the equivalent to walking into a family member’s unlocked apartment and glancing around. Not right, but not some horrible criminal act. If the email account really matters to the OP (like I said it wouldn’t to me) then she needs to do something about it. Like I said she wants to move out, but she didn’t have the money to stay in school, so she’s only throwing out illogical options to the problem.</p>
<p>Having enough money to have your own place to live AND continue your education may be much more than can be accomplished with a part-time job, even if you just take a room in a house or share a place with someone. Until you are able to earn sufficient resources to live on your own, you need to do your best to CALMLY work out some mutually acceptable rules with your folks. Angry shouting matches, threats and poor academic performance do not improve the situation. Getting excellent grades are part of your ticket to more freedom and independence, as is getting to know instructors (especially in any field you’re interested in pursuing). They can help write letters of recommendation to help you transfer and possibly get some merit aid. There are also scholarships for CC students who transfer to 4-year Us.</p>
<p>I’m saying there are different degrees of privacy, and your email is normally not at a very high one. It was still wrong, but it could be worse.</p>
<p>Actually, it is against the law. In fact, a guy read his ex-wife’s email and got charged with some crime like id theft. It was a felony. It was a strange situation where they were living in the same house due to financial strain despite being divorced, and he either figured out her password or it was left lying around. It was highly controversial and dominated the news for a week.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting turning the OP’s mom in, but my point is that it is a violation of privacy and is even technically breaking the law.</p>
explain to your mom that people spam invites to all their facebook friends and the “invitation” doesn’t mean you are a drug user.
Explain that their behavior is inappropriate, unwarranted, and above and beyond the nosiness of other parents. Your original post is pretty good and very reasonable.
<p>Just change your password, log out your email acct whenever you are done, problem solved. Your parents are not going to apologize, and there is no point in talking to them about it because they will not get it. It is silly to talk about moving out, because you can’t afford it.</p>
<p>Considering how much your post ****ed me off, I can only imagine how you felt. I think you should change all your passwords and do your best to move out. Clearly, that’s not the right environment for you.</p>
<p>To the OP-
I’m a parent of a young adult, recent college grad, who is living home with us while job searching. We would never think to intentionally hack into his email account (by guessing a security question). That is invasion of privacy. I will admit that it would be tempting to browse if he had left his mail open on our PC, but I hope I would control my curiosity!!</p>
<p>Your mom is over the line. But as others have posted, you need to make your situation work, you don’t have the resources to move out.
Obviously, password all your accounts online.
We actually had a formal family meeting when son came back home to lay out ‘house rules’ so that we ALL could live in peace. Basic things to ensure we all respect each others lives. Is it possible to approach your mom in a calm and non-confrontational manner? Is she always over the top? </p>
<p>I suppose you could try to find a room to rent that you could afford but it sounds like it would be difficult. Please try to work it out with your mother…she probably is worried about you and is showing it in inappropriate overly controlling ways.</p>
<p>Ha, ha. I’m a parent, and yes, if my kid left his Facebook or e-mail open, yes, I 'd read it. i’d also read any letters and stuff lying around. I’ve made that clear to them. They’ve had issues that make it so they are not trustworthy, and it was a condition I made when I bailed them out and for paying for my ADULT children’s expenses. The day they are not dependent on me, is the day I will stop snooping. But if you leave your facebook page right on MY computer, you are asking for it to be read regardless of who you are. If you are not a party of interest or not dependent on me, it’s likely I won’t read it, but if you are, yes, you stand a good chance that I’ll look at it.</p>
<p>Your mom loves you and wants to protect you. She will have to learn to let go, just as you will have to learn to grow up. A word of advice: Don’t write anything in an email that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the New York Times.</p>