<p>My D talked back to me inappropriately/put me down when she was a pre teen. She apparently went through an early adolescence. (My S never did that – different kids, not different parenting. D had low frustration tolerance in addition to the hormonal issues.) But I refused to accept it and responded immediately with a list of the things I would no longer be doing for her. From that point on she did her own laundry, no longer got my hairdressing services to put her hair in French braids, etc. Basics only. If she did not appreciate me, she could manage more on her own. </p>
<p>A parenting group led by the guidance counselors at her middle school helped.</p>
<p>If she missed the school bus she would not automatically get a ride – had to negotiate with me to earn the ride – perhaps agreeing to vacuum the living room when she got home from school.</p>
<p>In that way I avoided being a doormat. She was still difficult for a year or so but this approach helped us get through. By late high school she was very mature, cooperative and appreciative.</p>
<p>Now she is wonderful but we still joke about how difficult she was at that stage. Her fiance cannot believe she was ever difficult. (Hope he always feels that way.) I tell her I am looking forward to sitting in my rocker and quietly smiling when her * future teenage daughter sasses her *some day LOL!</p>
<p>This too shall pass, but do not allow yourself to be mistreated or disrespected.</p>
<p>Oh, Sarabande, I could write pages on this. My sister had just this sort of family atmosphere. It doesn’t work well with a lot of boys. </p>
<p>We also had similar issues with my stepsons. We had them at our house every other weekend plus every school vacation, including the whole summer. My H did not like to discipline them or require them to do much because they were only there part-time. (We did not have respect issues until the older one came to live with us. They were almost always respectful in their speech.)</p>
<p>A family counselor could really help sort this out.</p>
<p>Just a suggestion (and believe me, TOO many have been in your shoes–but still live to tell the tale fortunately!)–examine his peer group closely. At that age, peer groups can have a MUCH greater impact on behavior than parents unfortunately. Any way to curtail any of his activities or steer him towards another crowd? Outside activities (usually sports just because of the constant practices and time schedules) can become a “second parent”. Whatever mindset is in that group travels home to you.</p>
<p>A family counselor would most likely be very helpful in getting your Dh on board with parenting. I’m betting that your husband’s participation would turn the situation around very quickly. He’s probably the one who actually needs the counseling. ;)</p>
<p>Yes, bookiemom, it seems that some boys want their father to show them how to be a man – and reject all parenting from the mother at a certain point. Doesn’t work so well when dad is absent or lax. I would love to talk to a family counselor, actually, but am assuming my DH will have to be present – He’s home only every other weekend, so we’ll have to work hard to find someone.</p>
<p>Gouf, yes, I do feel that the peers are taking over – Most of them seem ok, but the sports team is not as academic as my son has been up to this point, and the coach is what I would call “anti-intellectual.” A nice enough man, but not very bright and openly distrustful of brainy people and time spent with books!</p>
<p>Every family has problems to deal with when their kids become teens. However, despite the upheavals we experienced, disrespectful behavior was not one of them, so I can’t offer you much advice other than to agree with those who have said you absolutely do not let this go. I will ignore certain behaviors (as we all know, you have to choose your battles), but I would NEVER let disrespect, mocking, parroting my words with disdain, being told to “shut up,” etc. go unchallenged. It would receive an immediate consequence every single time. I don’t necessarily agree with fines, though. I think sax’s suggestions would be more effective-just my opinion.</p>
<p>I always made sure to discuss incidents of concern later on when everyone was more calm. Those are the times where you re-iterate your love for them, and give them a chance to RESPECTFULLY discuss their feelings about the situation. I tried hard to be open to my kids during these discussions. Sometimes they stated their case so well that I had to concede the point to them. They were always allowed to be honest with me about disagreements as long as they were calm and showed the respect that I always showed them-no exceptions. </p>
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<p>And therein lies much of the problem. You guys need to get on the same page. Maybe you have too many rules, I don’t know. If so, the two of you need to come to an agreement (will probably require compromises from both of you) and always, always back each other up, at least in front of the child. If you can’t get husband to see the wisdom of this, then you could really benefit from counseling to help the two of you negotiate a plan that you can both be on board with. </p>
<p>Yes, I agree, nrdsb4. Feeling very tired and doormatted, but I’m going to meditate before I pick up S from school. I might survive this with an abundance of calming music and prayer. And great advice from all of you. :)</p>
<p>Thank you for the encouragement, CC parents!</p>
<p>Yes, it’s a school team, oldmom. The coach is close to retirement and will not be replaced, so I wonder about the value in mentioning my concerns to the school. Still, he actively discourages the boys from picking up a book on the sidelines – which to me is just foolishness. He wants them rooting for their teammates – I want them to get 8-plus hours of sleep at night. I truly don’t know whether I should prohibit team involvement in future years because of this problem.</p>
<p>sarabande, you don’t all have to be there at once to have a family counselor help you. Just find one yourself and go on in and tell your view of things, then your son can go if he will. Then arrangements can be made for your H. The counselor might be willing to do initial assessment with him by phone or perhaps on a weekend. Some sessions with just you and your S would also help. He or she will also help you deal with the whole situation, as is, even if you are the only one who will go. </p>
<p>Counselors are used to dealing with just some family members at first. That is a common situation. With my stepson, I initially went to a psychiatrist by myself to discuss what I considered my stepson’s prescription drug abuse. She confirmed that it was and then saw my H and told him she agreed that it was. Then she referred my stepson to another male psychiatrist who is very good with young adult males (former prison psychiatrist). He got stepson off the drugs altogether.</p>
<p>I am not inferring your son is involved with drugs or alcohol, but do you think it’s possible that might be part of the attitude problem?</p>
<p>I don’t think so, bookiemom, although we are certainly not sanguine about this issue, given the substance-abuse travails of some children of our friends. S’s time is spent at school, with sports team, and studying at home, so there isn’t really a time without adults supervising. He does go over to friends’ houses when I know the parents will be there and are actively supervising, and he does have friends here when I supervise. (By supervise, I just mean walking through the room every so often to be sure all is well.) He plays paintball on occasion with groups of teens and dads. </p>
<p>But we’re keeping a close eye on him because we haven’t seen this attitude before. His grades are high at this point – His teachers have good things to say about him, so he’s not being openly disrespectful to them – only to me.</p>
<p>Why not try some counseling for both of you? Try and have the counselor get at the root of the issue and give you and your husband sound advice to handle it. It may save your relationship and the issue!</p>
<p>This probably isn’t necessarily related to it, but could part of the issue be that he’s feeling like you aren’t supporting something he’s interested in? You say that you worry that he’s becoming more of an athlete than an academic–he wants to spend more time with his athlete friends, he isn’t able to study on the sidelines, etc. Part of being a HS athlete is that you do have to put a lot of focus on it, and it might be more interesting to him in some ways than academics is. You say he’s still getting good grades and is only a sophomore and is at a private school, so perhaps he views athletics as a way to blow off some steam and feels upset that you don’t support it. </p>
<p>As a former varsity athlete and ranked in the top 5 in my class, it’s not always easy to balance. As a parent, you’ll have to support almost segregating the two–I wouldn’t have ever thought to study on the sidelines during a JV game or while I wasn’t playing, that’s just not how things are when you’re in competition mode. When I was at practice or on the field, it was about the athletic competition. But I also had the discipline to know that when practice/games were over, it was time to hit the books. My parents also respected and supported that, however.</p>
<p>Sarabande, from your comments, I am thinking this: Your son, deep down, may be very troubled that his dad is not around much, he really wants him to be able to be home much more, day to day. He misses him, needs him, and resents that Mom is the one around. His friends’ dads are there to play Paintball, they watch the sports events, help supervise the activities. He can’t really take it out on Dad, so Mom gets the brunt of S’s frustration and loneliness for his Dad? Also, you don’t have your husband there to share in your own life, your other son is off to college, so that leaves you unwittingly more focused and/or dependent or interconnected with your S2 than you would be if H were around? In any case, these might be questions to work through in counseling.</p>
<p>Does your H have the ability to change this arrangement any time soon? If not, can he do some regular, private Skype sessions with his son (not for “parenting”, just for time together), or play online games with him on a regular basis?</p>
<p>To me, it sounds like your S is really missing his dad, he resents the fact that Dad never sees him play on his team or really share in his day to day life, and he’s taking out on Mom. No way would that excuse his disrespectful behavior, of course!</p>
<p>A little bit of advice from someone who was brought up in a house with 3 brothers and raised 2 sons. </p>
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<li><p>Do not----repeat----do not compare one son to another. You have 2 sons and each one is an individual with different physical, emotional, and personality traits. The worst thing you can do is compare one son to another. For example: saying/implying things like–Why can’t you be more like your brother, your brother never talked to me like this, your brother never disrespected me, your brother blah, blah, blah. </p></li>
<li><p>Deal with one problem at a time and don’t “hit” him up with a list of faults. In other words, don’t start out addressing one problem during a conversation and then add a bunch of other faults/problems into the same conversation. One issue at a time. Otherwise, they fell like you’re criticizing everything about them.</p></li>
<li><p>Compliment him on his ability to currently maintain his strong GPA while participating in a sport. As quick as you are to criticize his mouthiness, be just as quick to compliment him on the positive things he does.</p></li>
<li><p>Respect his feelings too. Speak to him in a calm and reasonable way without making everything sound like a criticism.</p></li>
<li><p>You’re wasting energy by wondering if his crankiness/boldness towards you is because of Dad being away on business. He’s 16 years old and nothing you’ve stated thus far sounds much different than any other 16 year old boy. He’s trying to find his place-----at home, at school, with peers, etc.</p></li>
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<p>In short, compliment him on the positives. Yes, address his rude behavior, but also calmly explain to him exactly why his behavior is rude and how it makes you feel. Tell him that he’s entitled to express himself, but help him develop a better way/choice of words/tone to do so.</p>
<p>I really don’t like the %tuition money penalty. You are choosing to send him to a private school. Don’t penalize him for it.</p>
<p>Find something important to the son and use that as the punishment. Make the expectations reasonable and clear and follow through with everything. For example, if he tells you to “shut up” again, he will not be allowed to participate in his sport for a set length of time. He will have to explain to his coach and to his teammates why he won’t be able to participate. It works, but be sure to explain the expectations/consequences BEFORE throwing the punishment at him. Let him express his feelings about the expectations/consequences.</p>
<p>Pick and choose your battles. He’s 16—with all the emotions that go along it. He’s not perfect, none of us are. He’s a work in progress.</p>
<p>“My older son is a gem, so at least I got it right with one of them.”
^I don’t like this line. Your older son is one person. Your younger son is another. Do not compare one to the other is such a way that you consider one a “gem” and other other not so “gemlike” :).</p>
<p>You mentioned he doesn’t want to drive the car. Why would you want to let him if he is having disciplinary issues? Do you know much about his athletic friends? I had some of this attitude stuff with my son, I tried yelling, talking, lecturing and nothing helped. I finally resorted to turning the tables. I just stopped talking, I said what I needed to to lay out the rules but all other socialization was cut off. I explained that when I choose people to be friendly with it is because they treat me well. I may be his mother but it is not acceptable to hurt my feelings. I refused to be nice to someone who wasn’t nice in return. It may not work for everyone, but seeing that “business only” mom wasn’t fun to live with my son soon realized he missed me. Turns out he liked my morning chit chat, the how was your day and my making sure to have his favorite snacks in. I stopped laundry, cleaning his dishes and picking up his things. It didn’t take long before he was making an effort to be nice. I held fast for another week. Finally, he realized he missed me. He apologized profusely and I haven’t seen the beast since.</p>
<p>glent95, I’m glad you posted this. I’ve heard of this technique before, and it’s interesting to hear about its success. I’ll bet you had to use a lot of self-discipline to do your part. So glad it worked! It makes sense, and it certainly might help in the OP’s case.</p>