<p>^Exactly! No screaming, no engaging, no nagging. It’s a calm and reasonable way to deal with the situation. </p>
<p>“I explained that when I choose people to be friendly with it is because they treat me well. I may be his mother but it is not acceptable to hurt my feelings. I refused to be nice to someone who wasn’t nice in return.” </p>
<p>^Bravo. This is what I was referring to earlier. You calmly explained your feelings and reasons for the consequence (business Mom as opposed to social Mom). This puts the cards in the hands of the son. It allows him to re-evaluate and change his behavior when he finally “gets it”.</p>
<p>As far as not wanting to drive, I don’t see a reason to punish him. He’s not ready yet. As more of his friends start driving, he’ll probably want to give it a try.</p>
<p>Focus on reinforcing the things you like andwant to see more of, ignore the things you dont like and want to see less of, THEN set consistent limits with a very short list of things you can’t tolerate. Like thou shalt not kill. Use acontract, not a chart, with an exchange for the things YOU like, for the things HE likes. Limit the advice, and avoid lectures. Maybe 10 words to make a point. This is assuming no major psych problems for you or your son.</p>
<p>One more thing; dont compare your kids to collegconfidential kids!</p>
<p>You know it’s funny but I actually got to the point where my feelings were truly hurt. I realized that he should know better from a human perspective. I sometimes wonder if seeing our invincible parent costume for so many years makes them think we are immune to hurt feelings. Sure they know they can push our buttons but I wonder if they overlook the sad part of it. As for holding out, it was very difficult especially when he tried with the jokes or i wanted to share something from my day or say good job on a test etc. I just kept saying to myself this is not neglect, he has food, shelter, safety and so on. This won’t kill him.</p>
<p>I think getting 8 hrs of sleep a night for a teen is a pipe dream.
I would rather my kids choose what activities they are engaged it & be present for them rather than trying to multitask.
I dont think they could retain very much by studying while distracted anyway.</p>
<p>I didn’t have quite the same issues when my kids were teens, although they did have their own challenges.
But I will say that I did not predict that my most difficult child-& I don’t use that phrase lightly, is now @ 22, so centered, so wise, that I cant believe I gave birth to her.
:D</p>
<p>“Still, he actively discourages the boys from picking up a book on the sidelines – which to me is just foolishness. He wants them rooting for their teammates – I want them to get 8-plus hours of sleep at night. I truly don’t know whether I should prohibit team involvement in future years because of this problem.”</p>
<p>^Team members should NOT be reading books on the sideline. They should be engaged in the game----watching the teammates, commenting and observing the play of the game, learning techniques by observation. It is unreasonable to think that athletes should be reading books on the sidelines. </p>
<p>Foolishness is to fathom the idea that it’s appropriate for athletes to read books during competition or athletic practices. </p>
<p>Other than some mouthiness that you’ve mentioned, I don’t understand what the problem is with your son. He sounds like a very normal 16 year old boy. He’s getting terrific grades. He wants to socialize with friends. He’s participating in a sport. </p>
<p>As mentioned earlier in the thread, don’t engage, don’t lecture, don’t nag. Of course, address his mouthiness (try some of the simple and rational ideas posted in the thread). Respect the fact that he is not a clone of your older son. He sounds like a typical 16 year old boy to me.</p>
<p>question-what is this about books on the sideline= that doesn’t even make sense- that the op wants kids to read or study DURING a game? </p>
<p>she parades in and out of the room where a bunch of boys are hanging out- okkaayyy</p>
<p>she wants to dock money for “attitude” from a teen</p>
<p>she says the older boy is great while younger one isn’t- big mistake</p>
<p>he has good grades, is playing a sport, but yet in snotty</p>
<p>here is how it went in my house with a snotty teenage girl- it was stop with the attitude, im not the enemy, and then quiet</p>
<p>i didnt fine her for being a teen, just told her i deserved better and when she was ready to act like an adult, we could talk. Period. if the worse thing you are dealing with is a moody snooty teen count your blessings</p>
<p>“As for holding out, it was very difficult especially when he tried with the jokes or i wanted to share something from my day or say good job on a test etc. I just kept saying to myself this is not neglect, he has food, shelter, safety and so on. This won’t kill him.”</p>
<p>I don’t understand. What are the things you are “holding out”, and what are the explicit behaviors he must exhibit to earn them back? It helps to describe the behavior you see (“mocked me”), rather than make a judgement about it’s meaning (“disrespect”).</p>
<p>Uh oh. This is going to be one of “those” threads.</p>
<p>A colleague once told me God gives you that second one, just when you were patting yourself on tne back, thinking you were the perfect parent. He said it better.</p>
<p>As I stated in my first post, I stopped being friendly. I did the things required for raising a child but extended no pleasantries (to include laundry or those other nice things parents do that often go unnoticed). It was difficult at times because the bratty phase aside I genuinely like my kid as a person. The only requirement for earning them back was to treat me with the same respect he would treat anyone else with. No snarky remarks, no being flippant or snide. Not that he become a compliant zombie, just to treat me the way he would like people to treat him. If he disagrees with me on an issue fine, do it without being a jerk. It’s an important skill to learn how to be respectful even when you can’t relate or agree. His apology was a good way to start down the road of mutual respect.</p>
<p>what glent95 says is spot on. i knew enough to know it wasn’t usually about me, it was about a girl at school, a mean teacher, yet I was the reciepent of the anger. When i would say, dont take it out on me, and would give her the chance to reboot- like i would actually send her outside, and say come back in when you are civil and here is a cookie it was like night and day</p>
<p>if she needed to brood fine</p>
<p>and there was always the start over button, knowing we would move past the crankinessk, becuase I was not piece of cake either</p>
<p>what happened at 4pm when she came home was over by 430 with a quick hug and a smile and an lets start again.</p>
<p>So is it a one day contract, or a week, or what? Are you saying the battle you are picking, the behavior you can’t tolerate and will set limits on is pleasantries for pleasantries? Everything else, positive and negative is ignored?</p>
<p>We have five boys, all but four (one is 12) have successfully launched into adulthood without being strangled, beaten or killed by husband or I. Here is the thing. You are in a power struggle with him. This is a NO win situation. It will lead to hurt feelings, (that may never be repaired) bruised egos and strained relationships. Boys are seriously moody creatures. They use anger and insults to mask their hurt and they get really good at the “shut up” and “I hate you” neither being the least bit acceptable in this household.</p>
<p>Currency: What is your son’s currency? Social Media, his phone, his computer, his privacy? Find out what it is and use it as your tool to mold his behavior. The fines are not working. I have a feeling that a child that has that much money to put toward fines is either a saver (and therefore is not wanting to use his money every weekend, therefore lessening its importance to him) or has access to money whether he has his own personal stash or not.</p>
<p>Since most teens live and die by the smartphone, this is where I would start. Most service providers (At & t) for sure have a service where you can go on line and disable the phone. It costs nothing, and there is no drama having to take it from the hands of a “boy” that can probably take you down with a swat of his arm. You simply turn it off. You will get a call from him from a friend’s phone within 10 minutes. Now you have a captive audience.</p>
<p>If he slams his door or shows outward signs of frustration, take it off the hinges. Stop doing is laundry. You have to stop nagging him too. College seems too far away for him. Spend the summer doing college visits to towns that he wants to go do. It is his college future let him guide the ship at this point.</p>
<p>no need at this point for taking doors of hinges, hes a teen boy with, from what i see here, an over bearing mom who wants a boy who is perfect like the older son, which is a HUGE MISTAKE</p>
<p>to the op, step back, go wow, what an amazing son I have!!! sure he is a bit snooty and sassy but that very typical.</p>
<p>Seems you have several main problems at play here - (1) disrespect, (2) stress and anxiety.</p>
<p>(1) Disrespect. The first one I would nip in the butt right away. The best time I find is when my son and I are alone in a quiet confined space - car rides are the best for us. Tell him you love him but do not tolerate disrespect. Get rid of the fine for disrespect and use what others have suggested - take away privileges.</p>
<p>(2) Stress and Anxiety. My son was going through something similar and I saw him pulling away around Christmas time. Being on CC it’s hard not to remind our loved ones to study, take this test, take that test, study this study guide, look at this school, that school, check out this summer program, internship, etc. It just gets too much! </p>
<p>So I decided to back off. No nagging, no school talk, nothing. Just talk to him in a friendly way with pleasant voice about everything and anything, except school.
For a whole week don’t talk about anything school related. The next week, same thing. That alone can bring tremendous relief and reduce the anxiety. Then slowly introduce some minor topics. Only present ONE thing at a time, per week. If it’s looking at school just ask him to look at a list and if he does, fine. If not, just drop it. Give it a break. Next week, talk about something a little more of importance but if he knows you are not going to keep nagging, he might open up and even join in on the conversation. You need to slowly build up the dialogue and try to erase those bad experiences. Show him that you care. Go watch one of his games and support his team. Enjoy your son and what he loves to do and share this experience with him. Your son has been getting good grades so I am sure he knows how to study and get good grades. It is not the end of the world if he gets a B instead of an A or a 4 instead of a 5 on an AP test. What is important is your relationship with him, and him knowing you care about HIM and not the grades he is going to produce or the schools he will get into, or the ROI you will get for sacrificing your job and money for his schooling.</p>
<p>I don’t ever compare my fellows in front of each other. Sometimes, when nursing hurt feelings of late, I comfort myself with my strong relationship with older S. </p>
<p>Is it really overbearing not to accept “shut up” from your sixteen-year-old boy? If so, I am guilty as charged, I suppose! I think respect is one of the foundations of any good relationship – alongside trust – and I want DS to understand this, if he hasn’t already – as I feel it will serve him well beyond the here and now.</p>
<p>The good news is that DS was kind and courteous all afternoon today, starting with asking me how my day was when I picked him up at school (he has his permit, not his license). Leapt up to help with the dishes after dinner, without being asked. Studied for his exams on his own initiative. A thoughtful and considerate person to spend time with. Quite the transformation.</p>
<p>I think he wanted to have the limits very clearly defined. The fines, though perhaps inelegant, seem to have worked. If we go through this again, I will address the phone service first. That said, I hope we will now have a modicum of peace! Thanks, all.</p>
<p>I like the way you’ve separated out the issues, ognopgod. And I completely agree that the respect must be addressed as foundational, very proactively – also that giving him more leeway regarding the academics/testing might alleviate some of the anxiety and avoidance. If he needs some gentle reminders, maybe DH or big brother can offer some guidance on occasion – and allow S and I to recover a healthier equilibrium. Thanks for your thoughts.</p>
I think respect is one of the foundations of any good relationship – alongside trust – and I want DS to understand this, if he hasn’t already – as I feel it will serve him well beyond the here and now.</p>