IMO, there are some things that are smile and nod worthy, but there are others that aren’t.
I haven’t been pregnant (thankfully!) but when I got engaged the same thing happened- people came out of the woodwork to give “advice” (read: criticize what I did and didn’t do). At first, it was smile and nod but I got quickly fed up with people and decided not to put up with it. Once I did that, they generally didn’t bother me about things anymore.
Unless you’re my MIL who is just as stubborn as me. My partner and I have already decided not to share potential pregnancy news with anyone other than my parents until quite far along in the pregnancy (for personal/health reasons).
Romani: I know you didn’t ask for advice and I thought a long time before posting this. But as a mother of sons I have to chime in. Please consider your MILs feelings and don’t favor one grandma over the other. If you share with one, share with the other. Even if she’s stubborn she’s still the mother of your partner. Just because she doesn’t behave well doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
I have one DIL who treats me exactly the same as her mother. Maybe even better She told us all the same day about the new baby and she shares pictures and progress equally. My other DIL is not as generous. I know she speaks to her mother daily. I know she told her own mother weeks before she told us. I know her mother has visited many more times than we have and it hurts.
I especially give my first DIL credit because her mother has done the opposite. They are extremely close to her mother’s side of the family and rarely see her father’s. Or maybe that’s why she does it. But I have thanked both her and my son many times for being so considerate to us.
When I had my first child I made a lot of choices that were criticized. Was criticized when I sent D to private school and was criticized after we moved and sent the kids to the local public. Sending S to a magnet school, sending both to private colleges, planning a (non inexpensive wedding) for D - criticized for all of it. It never ends…
I watched this a few times again and I don’t see any insults hurled at the formula-feeding mothers. We hear “breastfeeding police” which is clearly code for the more offensive but commonly termed “breastfeeding nazis”. We see the mocking of picking on formula-feeders with the “some women are too lazy to breastfeed” which is clearly over the top.
This is hitting so many of the right buttons to market to women who need to rationalize their use of formula. Breastfeeding didn’t work for you? Don’t let those horrible, judgmental breastfeeders get you down, they’re so extreme with their dolphin assisted pool births and all that. Have some Similac, it’s okay.
I loved our first pediatrician because at my first visit to her, before D1 was born, I told her I wasn’t going to breast feed. She said to me, “If you are happier not breast feed then that’s what you do. A happy mom means happy baby.” I never breast fed my girls. They were very healthy and happy kids. We bonded the moment I held them in my arm.
I don’t remember there was much discussion about breast vs formula when my kids were babies, but there was a lot more controversy about sharing bed and feeding on demand vs on schedule. I was fairly rigid with the kid’s schedule, but I did allow D1 to sleep with us until she was quite old. D1 could only go to sleep if she stroked my hair. D2 wanted no part of sharing our bed.
All of our kids grow up just fine (or messed up) no matter how they were raised.
@3bm103, that’s obviously very hurtful, and I’m sorry you had to wait to hear. Back in ancient times, I would tell my parents when we were expecting, and my husband would tell his parents. That seems to be the way my friends’ kids are telling them the happy news today, and sharing photos, baby updates, etc. If your DIL is reluctant to share equally, maybe she’s expecting her husband to be the one who shares with you?
This statement just brought up a very old memory, so I guess I’ll have to take back my statement earlier that no one ever gave me any trouble.
My DH’s best friend is married to a woman who called to find out the results of my ultrasound. We had a daughter and this was my second pregnancy. This couple had two kids, one girl, one boy. When I told her we would be having another daughter, she said “Oh, I’m sorry. I believe that the best gift a woman can give her husband is a son.”
hmmmm…so I guess my H gave me subpar gifts by not giving me any daughters? lol
I’ve never heard the one about needing at least two children in order to be a “family”…lol…that is also nutty. I have heard couples being told that they’re not really a “family” until they have a child.
“No one should be shamed for bottle feeding but this ad makes me feel marginalized as someone who breastfed.”
Oh good lord. “Marginalized”? Everyone in that ad was being caricaturized.
And really, I’m supposed to say “thank you” for not “shaming me” for bottle feeding? Here’s the cool thing. I don’t have to and didn’t have to justify any of my decisions to anyone who isn’t immediately concerned, which includes every single mommeeeeeee out there. The whole concept of giving a rat’s behind about what other women at the playground might think is foreign to me. I didn’t have the time or the energy to care what they thought. If they thought I was a bad mother because I (insert choice) … it’s like the proverbial tree-falling-in-the-forest that I don’t hear.
Young mothers would do better if they stopped caring what other mommies thought.
And I agree with nrdsb4 - this stuff didn’t happen in my group of friends. No one gave a hoot whether anyone else breast or bottle fed, used disposable or cloth diapers, worked or SAH, etc. We all recognized we were different people with different needs and situations and that these choices were completely trivial in the long run.
“This is hitting so many of the right buttons to market to women who need to rationalize their use of formula. Breastfeeding didn’t work for you? Don’t let those horrible, judgmental breastfeeders get you down, they’re so extreme with their dolphin assisted pool births and all that. Have some Similac, it’s okay.”
Well, it IS OK and perfectly fine to use Similac (or Enfamil or whatever), so I’m not sure what the problem is.
And no one needs to “rationalize” their use of formula (or breastfeeding either) to anyone else. See, here’s the thing. It’s not your business or concern either way; just because we happened to have given birth at roughly the same time and live in the same neighborhood didn’t make it one bit more of your business or concern.
I have a lot of kids spanning close to a generation, and no one cared what moms did about these things… I’m glad i didn’t and don’t know such judgemental folks.
It’s one thing to feel passionately about your own choices, it’s another to not button your lip in the face of the opposite choices. We all have different experiences and life realities and I remind myself of that when I feel the specter of judgementalism rising up in my brain.
Regarding babies there are only a few things that I consider deal breakers: if I had to formula feed or supplement, I would do my best to stay away from any product owned by Nestle due to their evil past. I did have to supplement with my twins and I used Carnation Right Start and found out years later that it was owned by Nestle so I am guilty too. No internet back then but it’s probably somewhere on the can. I can only blame my youthful ignorance and new parent brain fog and it becomes yet another reminder to not judge other people because we are all living in glass houses!
Can’t we all just refuse to feel guilty for doing our best? And then just assume that other women are doing their best, as well? (I was tempted not to click on this thread because I didn’t see how it could possibly go well.)
I never heard criticism of my childraising from friends or neighbors or coworkers. Maybe they offered it,but I never heard it. Except of course from my mother, whose way was the only way in child rearing and everything else. But seriously, I guess I just didn’t hang around with people who judged or criticized. Why would I?
This is successful marketing. Of course it’s okay. Apparently though, today’s new mothers have been feeling like they’ve been given a different message. Similac is tapping into that feeling. Rather than saying Similac is almost but not quite as good as breast milk, they are saying, Similac is OK.
Research the “baby-friendly” initiative. It requires hospitals to counsel every new mother that breastfeeding is the ideal. It also does not allow formula gift bags or any marketing. To play by these rules, many hospitals have eliminated having nurseries altogether and require 24 hour rooming-in. Formula feeding mothers may want to avoid these hospitals.
On the other hand, I was sent home with formula and lots of people (nurses and family members) saying, “just take it in case you need it”. For a first time Mom whose mother and MIL didn’t breast feed (and couldn’t give the best advice) and with premie babies who had “nipple confusion”, it was total sabotage. Only my stubborn nature and throwing out all the remaining formula after one of the babies became constipated got us to successfully establish breastfeeding.
I don’t think that Moms who have already decided to use formula should be brow beaten or shamed in any way at all but formula gift bags and marketing should not be allowed. No marketing should be allowed.
The same hospital that gave me formula had already eliminated nurseries unless the baby needed the NICU or intermediate nursery. Rooming in was required back then too, more than 20 years ago.
I have to second frazzeld1’s post about DIL keeping MIL informed. I think it is the son’s responsibility to keep his family informed about what’s going on with his life. There is no reason why it needs to be the wife’s responsibility to maintain the contact. I have my own relationship with my daughters, the relationship was built over 20+ years. I wouldn’t expect them to have similar relationship with their future MIL, just like I wouldn’t expect to have the same close relationship my future SIL as he has with his mother.
D1 tells me almost everything that’s going on in her life and we speak often. On the other hand, her BF doesn’t speak with his parents as frequently and he doesn’t tell them everything, but nevertheless they are still close, but just different. I don’t see why D1 should need to or want to change the dynamic between her BF and his mother if they should decide to get married someday. Maybe at some point D1 would become closer to her future MIL, but there is no need for her to pretend that she is from day one.
by the time we had #4, i was harried; unconcerned about what others thot; and probably broke every rule on all sides of all camps. But guess what – i tried my best and D#4 is a delightful young cookie now. nurturing your child is the goal; that can be done through so many different means.
She told us all the same day about the new baby and she shares pictures and progress equally. My other DIL is not as generous. I know she speaks to her mother daily. I know she told her own mother weeks before she told us. I know her mother has visited many more times than we have and it hurts.