<p>It’s already started…one of us had the idea to celebrate our mother’s upcoming 80th birthday (our father died a few years ago) and I’m already regretting it. I have 4 siblings – 2 brothers, 2 sisters. I try to get along with all of them but I’m pretty sure my 2 sisters haven’t had any contact with my 2 brothers for years. Or they have, but it’s been hostile. So I am dreading the weekend which so far consists of: one brother cooking for everyone, then the next night, we go out to dinner. I’m afraid of a scene in the restaurant; I’m afraid of people spoiling mom’s birthday.</p>
<p>Please tell me I’m not the only one with a family like this. Any tips/suggestions (besides wearing Kevlar?)</p>
<p>Has anything gone wrong so far? If not, that’s good. </p>
<p>Here’s what you need: a decider and an organizer. They cannot be the same person.</p>
<p>First, ask Mom to be the decider. If she declines “because I just want something simple, don’t go to any trouble” or “oh, I don’t care. Just make yourselves happy” then pick a sibling to be the decider. </p>
<p>The decider decides, and the organizer manages the event. The organizer brings questions to the decider and can ask the other siblings to help by being doers. </p>
<p>Here’s the important part: Don’t fight the decisions. Don’t. Just let the decider get the credit and the blame. </p>
<p>Go with the flow. Don’t get emotionally attached to the menu. Or the venue. Or the guest list. Those things are between your mom and the decider. Just help make it happen. </p>
<p>I’ve been through a 50th anniversary (huge BBQ), a 60th anniversary (small dinner party), 70th birthday cruise, and an 80th birthday vacation to Ireland. We are currently planning a 90th birthday on the scale of a wedding reception. (I’m a doer, in charge of centerpieces.)</p>
<p>Good luck. This can be very stressful, but it doesn’t have to be. The key is to identify one decider. Take it or leave it. Like it or lump it. :p</p>
<p>I’ll expand on that. No, your family isn’t the only one like this. My in-laws have plenty of problems, not as bad as two sisters and two brothers who are close to extranged, but problems none the less. My own family has it share of problems but there aren’t enough of us left for it to be much of an issue.</p>
<p>Back to my in-laws, it has been decades since everyone tried to get together in one big group. Everyone gets together in smaller groups and that works out very well. In smaller groups the old dynamics don’t seem to resurface. At this point if everyone tried to get together it would be a disaster.</p>
<p>I understand why you are dreading this weekend.</p>
<p>I would guess that just about every family has “issues”!!!
Sibling rivalry + favoritism + poor parenting + personalities + insecurities + financial inequities + in-laws + miscellaneous = a recipe for conflicts</p>
<p>A family is a “system” whereby each member plays a role. Usually there is dysfunction in the system. And the role-play gets pretty ingrained over the years. So it is hard to change.</p>
<p>Plus, doing ANYthing is a “group” is always hard (think committees, PTA’s…).</p>
<p>Try to play your role, and let others play theirs. Try not to take their actions and decisions personally. Or as a competition. Try to remember that with power comes responsibility (as well as credit LOL).</p>
<p>In my family, the siblings were played against each other by the parents. Without realizing it, my parents thought they were being fair, but the leveling of the playing field did make it feel way too much like a sport (to please them, get their attention and recognition, to win at everything)- how ironic! The BS continues to this day, and is being passed along to some of the grand-children.</p>
<p>Your intentions are the best. Stick with them even if the others do not!
Good luck and take care.</p>
<p>Hopefully, there will not be too many conflicts- the point is to please the birthday girl!!!</p>
<p>I would suggest to do mom’s birthday dinner at a restaurant, whatever you could afford and split the bill. If you guys haven’t been getting along, it is not a good idea to have one person to do all the work or spend too much time together. A dinner at a restaurant could be short and sweet, and it would be less likely for anyone to start fight in public. To be safe, you could get a private room at a restaurant. </p>
<p>I get along with my siblings, but we all have shorts temper, opionated and controlling, so the only kind of family vacations I would go with them are short, inclusive, and prepaid vacations with them. </p>
<p>I have organized many family gatherings for my parents with my siblings. I ask them whether they are in or out, tell them how much it’s going to be, and of they are in or out.</p>
<p>If this were me, I would keep expectations low- for yourself and your mom at least. Maybe talk to your mom about it. Expect the very worst, have a back up plan for what you know may happen (if such a plan is necessary), maybe even try to anticipate it with a bit of humor. When it gets really bad, just imagine you are watching a sitcom. </p>
<p>I have not had a family like this, but i have been in similar icky dynamics and detachment and humor can go a long ways. As can perspective- each part of this birthday that works out (whether it gets as far as execution, whether it only makes it to the appetizer)… each successful, non-conflicting moment is a plus for your mom and your family. And maybe it’s too much to ask or expect it to get all the way to the dessert, so every bit that works is a huge plus. This way it’s not you and mom waiting for the whole thing to be ruined by the ending meltdown, but rather, you collect and enjoy some good interactions for as long as they last.</p>
<p>Breathe. Go with the flow, keep your mom in mind. Take a lot of pictures for your mom…or assign the job to someone. Smile and nod. Step outside, go to the restroom, check on something or another, whatever when you need a break. You can do anything for a weekend. And then it’s over, the pictures make our mom happy and you can relax.</p>
<p>Don’t expect to resolve conflicts, etc. Just happy event for mom.</p>
<p>we did dinner where there was entertainment which lessened the issue of what to talk about and lessened the risk of tempers. And for the most part, we all tolerate each other decently to begin with.</p>
<p>You could flip the order of the planned events: public gathering in restaurant for formal 80th birthday celebration, then informal dinner second night for whoever is left in town and still wants to come. I agree with oldfort that most people behave themselves in public, and most people can handle getting through one dinner for the sake of honoring someone.</p>
<p>I just reread my post and see it was a little harsh. Apologies. One other suggestion, my BF knows that when I am going through particularly trying times with my family it is helpful if she is available for what we call “email therapy”, which is really just a more personal version of the “get it off your chest” thread.</p>
<p>Classof2015, you didn’t really give alot of information such as are all of you living in the same area? Will people be coming from out of town for this or not? If you all live in the same area, then I assume that none of you are staying with one another. Seems to me that when people spend 24/7 together and their relationship has previously been rocky, that sometimes this will just make matters worse so hopefully for your sake, you all have your own homes to retreat to. If not, that can certainly change some things. </p>
<p>Since you are all adults, someone needs to make it clear that you are all coming together for your Mom. You didn’t mention anything about your Mother’s relationship with all of her children. I will assume she has a friendly relationship with all. Honestly, if people can’t put their personal feelings aside for the sake of their Mother for a night or two, then they should just stay home. I would keep that gatherings short and sweet. Too much time together allows time for sniping etc. which will just escalate an undercurrent of bad feelings. I think it is nice that your brother wants to host a dinner but that could make some of your family uneasy if they aren’t speaking. Dinner at a restaurant seems like a better idea and the idea of putting everyone in a neutral setting is a good one. By the age of 40+ I think that most people have the good sense not to cause a scene in a public restaurant (unless you are a Housewife of NJ haha). I agree with siliconvalleymom that you might want to have the dinner out first and then leave it up to everyone if they would like to go to your brother’s house the next evening.</p>
<p>You didn’t mention a thing about in-laws. Sometimes, they are the ones who seem to add fuel to the fire when it comes to siblings dealing with one another. So it is hard to really give any great tips without knowing more about your family dynamics. You seem to be the one who speaks with everyone. Have you spoken with your siblings to feel them out about what they think of the plans for your Mother’s b-day? You will know before you step foot inside your brother’s house/restaurant if there will be a problem if you talk with them before hand. If you think there may be tensions, I would talk with the brother who wants to cook dinner and tell him that it just may be a better idea for all of you to meet once, at a restaurant. </p>
<p>Maybe, just maybe, this could be the beginning of mending some broken family fences, so to speak. I think if everyone comes with the idea of celebrating your Mother, you may all surprise one another and have a really lovely evening. It may be baby steps but maybe everyone will agree to start over and try and heal some old wounds. The focus of it all is, and should be, your Mother. Maybe some of you may not speak again for some time but it is nice to try for her sake. Wishing you the best of luck and you are very lucky that you have had the priviledge of having your Mom in your life all these years.</p>