<p>Urgh. Bad day today. Talked to DS on his 18th birthday. He mentioned that he didn’t go to his classes today because it was his birthday. I commented that he missed the same classes once last week (they meet three times a week) because of travel for Thanksgiving holiday. He mentions that he was up late the night previous doing papers for classes and that even though he missed them he got all his work turned in. One of the classes has 12 students, according to him about 8 regularly attend and he is one of the 8. I sure didn’t want to argue with him when he is 3,000 miles away on a big birthday. BUT (yup Mom’s always have a but) I told him in no uncertain terms that I was disappointed in him. That I am paying a LOT of money for the schooling and I expect him to attend classes. His feeling is that as long as he has all As and Bs at the end of the semester I have nothing to complain about and it is none of my business.<br>
So, dear CCers I ask you…should I butt out? Am I being a “helicopter”? Or am I justified in feeling that he should go to class barring illness? Of course, DH’s comment was “I can’t believe you had a fight with him on his birthday”.<br>
What say you?</p>
<p>You’re the CC expert on DS, his habits and your relatinoship with him; if your gut was saying “tell him he should’ve gone to class” (and you’re thoughtful enough to reflect on it after) don’t second guess yourself any longer; you did exactly the right thing. I think that kids hate it most when they get called on things exactly like this–they know they’re wrong, but are working hard to justify the behavior to themselves. </p>
<p>If you start calling him every other day to check on his attendance, then it’s time to butt out :)</p>
<p>My kid lost a letter grade for being late! I don’t need to berate him - he feels bad already.</p>
<p>MarathonMan, thanks. I am not calling every other day to check on attendance…you are probably right, he just wasn’t happy that I called him out on something he already knew wasn’t right.</p>
<p>Ebeeee, I think your expectations are perfectly reasonable, however, your son’s response is sort of reasonable too - in terms of how it’s packaged. </p>
<p>I have handled these things based on results, specifically, making it clear I expect high grades, I expect that there is a plan and progress that will lead to independence (employment/career/intellectual enrichment), that there is a consistent effort to engage in the culture of the college, etc. I don’t go anywhere near the specificity of how the results get accomplished though. I think it’s not my call - UNLESS I’m asked for help on something. </p>
<p>Of course, if I heard something like “I didn’t go to class because it was my birthday”, I would probably respond along the lines of “that’s an unwise course of action” followed by “we have commitments to each other - mine is to respond to the financial obligations required to support you, and protect our assets; yours is to maximize the opportunities available to you at school, and, neither one of us can afford to ignore or make light of our commitments”, but, I wouldn’t state a specific expectation that my child attend class: she’s supposed to know that. And I’m supposed to be liberated from parenting at the middle school level by now. </p>
<p>I do agree with you that everyone should go to class, unless they’re ill. But I disagree with your husband - I do not believe there should ever be a delay in addressing a concern just because it’s someone’s birthday - if there’s an issue, it needs to be confronted, birthday or not. </p>
<p>Off topic, but, a human resource consultant once told us that we shouldn’t give birthdays off work, saying, “why should someone be rewarded just because they became another year older???”.</p>
<p>Well yeah, kind of. My birthday is next week and I plan on working. I wasn’t asked for help on something but when he mentioned that he didn’t go to class I did not consider it responsible parenting to let that go, birthday or not.</p>
<p>ebeeee, You did exactly what I would have done. I would have said I was disappointed and that I expected him to attend class.</p>
<p>
Well, it depends on the class. I had large lecture classes both as an undergrad and in law school that I rarely attended because the profs were poor lecturers who only managed to make the subject matter more confusing – but those were courses that had a rather set curriculum to cover, and I could keep up with the reading and use supplemental course-outline materials, or participate in study groups to cover the same ground. I know that these days some lectures at large universities are regularly videotaped and available for viewing on the internet. I mean… there may not be much value in getting up to make it to a 9 am class with 600 students in it where the prof. puts the kid right back to sleep, IF there are other ways to cover the same material. </p>
<p>But a class size of 12 is a different matter… I had seminars that size as an undergrad, where it was also typical for only 7 or 8 students to attend regularly – and I thought that was tremendously rude to the prof. I mean, if the class has 250 students and only 190 show up, the prof isn’t going to notice the difference and he will give the same lecture. But its a different matter entirely for a small class.</p>
<p>That being said, I do think that it is the responsibility of the college student to make the decision as to whether class attendance is necessary, and under what circumstances class may be missed. It is no longer the parent’s job to monitor attendance. There is no problem in my mind with a parent commenting or offering an opinion – “I think for what I am paying for tuition you ought to go to class”… (or even doing the math – to figure out roughly what one hour of class time costs) … but I don’t think it is worth arguing about. The student is responsible for the end result – if the student is confident that he can get a satisfactory grade without attending class, it really is not the parent’s concern how he gets it. And if the issue is money – well, my daughter knows the GPA she needs to maintain to keep the mommy-scholarship.</p>
<p>calmom, thanks to you and everyone else who posted. This site is really great for venting this stuff and DH sometimes doesn’t want to deal with the little stuff. </p>
<p>I hear you and DS does know the GPA requirement for both the merit scholarship and the mommy scholarship. I guess I was feeling that when there are 12 kids it is rude not to show up. The other class has 35 and he said normally about 20 show up. To me when you are in the honors program and getting merit money you should be leading by example. That said, I ultimately it is his responsibility. Hard on a mom to let it go especially when he is so far away and to me still so young. Sigh.</p>
<p>I was thinking about this thread today and wondered if anyone’s feelings have changed now that we’re (at least at my son’s school) ending the 2nd term and moving into the third. I realized that I’ve had an enormous change of heart. My son told me just a week ago that he was not attending any of the lectures for one of his classes and it didn’t even phase me. Then I thought of this thread and realized the first term I would have told him I expected him to go to class. Maybe the difference is one set of grades (passed all his classes - his school is pass/fail the first two terms so there are no grades yet). Or maybe I’m just moving on with my life in appropriate ways and I trust him more now that I know he’s settled in to college life.</p>
<p>oaklandmom,
I guess mine have changed a bit but not completely. What’s that about the old dog and new tricks?<br>
DS ended up on the Dean’s List first semester so I do feel he is able to manage and make his own decisions about class attendance. On the other hand, if he is only taking four classes and he were to tell me he wasn’t attending any of the lectures for one of the four I would be unhappy with that. College is expensive and a privilege and whether attendance affects the grade I do expect some attendance in every class.</p>
<p>“So, dear CCers I ask you…should I butt out?”</p>
<p>Yes.</p>
<p>As far as I am concerned, my kids’ grades are their own business. If they want to share them, they can, but I never ask. I do want to know all about what they’ve learned, 'cause I am a curious sort of person, and would ask the same of a friend of mine if she was in school. </p>
<p>But you have to understand that my d. never set foot inside a high school classroom, and college classes that she took before heading off to greener (Italian) pastures, she did by choice.</p>
<p>Mini, you’re WAY too understanding!! If I’m paying the bills, hell, yes, the grades are my business. If my kids are putting themselves through school, they’re on their own. It never occurred to me to skip a class in college, really. My father was paying a fortune for a private womens college and there was a tacit understanding that I would take full advantage of what was being offered there which meant. “get out of bed and sit in that class!” I expect no less of my own kids. If classes aren’t worth going to, what kind of college is that, anyway?</p>
<p>“If classes aren’t worth going to, what kind of college is that, anyway?”</p>
<p>Like 99.99% at some time or another. College kids cut class. Like saying the sun comes up in the east. I’m so glad I paid my own way so I had no parents harping on my every move.</p>
<p>I feel like I should also add that the class my son is not going to this term is a class/subject he took at UCB as a high school senior in which he got an A, but his school allows no credit for college course work taken in high school and the course is part of core and is required so he’s stuck taking it. So he knows the stuff I’m sure. I remain frustrated he didn’t get any credit for the courses taken in high school at UCB. But as for not attending lectures at this point I actually think I’d feel the same if he was skipping a humanities lecture, though I doubt he’d skipped a humanities lecture as its a weaker area for him. I’ve heard again and again that the professors don’t teach what is on exams at his school. (Something that might be a subject for debate as well). I know at parent orientation when the physics teacher talked about how he didn’t teach what was on exams or on homework/problem sets I was dumb struck. But it hasn’t seemed to be a problem for my kid, he seems to be learning the material that is on the homework & is tested and that is what matters.</p>
<p>I think my classes are worth going to, and I very rarely skip. I’ve skipped twice this year, once when I wasn’t feeling well and once to get in some more studying for an exam later that day. Then again, two of my classes are small and have mandatory attendance with sometimes dire consequences for skipping without a very good excuse. Besides my math class last quarter, I do feel that all of my classes and lectures are very valuable. In the vast majority of cases, that one or 1.5 hours would be much better spent in class (even if it’s not a difficult class or a big lecture where the prof wouldn’t care or notice) than whatever else you’d be doing, like sleeping or playing video games or just fooling around. </p>
<p>I do feel that since my parents are paying, they have the right to monitor my grades and studies. I share my grades and problems with my classes with my parents, in part because they act as my most major support network when I’m struggling. My school makes grades available to the student and whoever’s name is on the bill (such as the parents or grandparents).</p>
<p>interesting topic to pop back up at the same time as a thread on sharing details of your college experience with your kids started. I will be results based in not ask about class attendence. </p>
<p>Among many other reasons I missed lectures because I was studying for exams, finishing papers, was falling in love and had better things to do, to tired from playing midnight touch football, not at school because my friend and I were making a few bucks driving a van load of kids to NYC for break, was basically flunking out for awhile, hated my prof, was focussed on other subject to mention … and about 25 more reasons.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’m in position to get on my kids about attending classes.</p>
<p>Just to add some more stress to the angst here, at the school I work at, students can be withdrawn for missing more than two weeks of class. For a normal twice a week class, that means they miss more than 4 classes, and the instructor can withdraw them. If it’s past the deadline for withdrawal without penalty, that means they get a WF in the class, which goes into their GPA as an F. </p>
<p>My kids say there’s no cut and dried rule like that at their schools, but they also say they rarely miss for any reason, perhaps from growing up hearing me talk about that!</p>
<p>Next time he wont be stupid enough to tell you he was skipping. Whenever my mom gets on me over something I think is unreasonable (I dont think youre being unreasonable here, just saying) because I TOLD her what I did, i simply just dont tell her the next time I do it.</p>
<p>It is just so mature to miss your classes because its your birthday…</p>