<p>Is it ever ok to look at your teenager’s email, Facebook page and messages, read their diary etc.? Have any of you found out incriminating information this way you might not have had otherwise? Is it ever justified? What do you think are the risks and/or benefits? </p>
<p>What is the line between privacy and safety?</p>
<p>I think it’s justified if you have good reason to believe your kid is in trouble in some way.
Facebook is pretty public and anything posted there really is for anyone to see. One’s personal email and diary are a more private, and I wouldn’t go snooping there unless I had some reason to think they were doing something dangerous, illegal, harmful to self, etc. But believe me, if I thought my kid was into drugs or other dangerous activities, I’d use every means to get them the help they needed- including snooping into their private correspondence.</p>
<p>I agree with moonchild. Random snooping without probable cause is an insult to your teenager, but if you have noticed negative behavior changes that could signal problems, you need to be proactive. If that means a violation of privacy, it’s justified because you are still responsible for your teen’s health and safety.</p>
<p>My sense is that if you have specific reasons to believe their safety or genuine physical or mental wellbeing are at risk and that by investigating you may be able to protect them or help them, then it is ethical. </p>
<p>Or if you have made clear to your kids that all it is open game in your house, that you may view any of their communications, or at least you both have an understanding that everything is and can be out in the open (from the norms of your house, past practice, everyone has everyone’s passwords), then at least they know in advance that nothing is truly private so privacy is not violated. </p>
<p>I think if neither of the above conditions are present, it is unethical, and very disrespectful.</p>
<p>How about asking?</p>
<p>I’m sure I will get some strongly worded arguments on this, but as far as my kiddos are concerned nothing is really private, and they know it. In practice, the only real “snooping” I do is to check my 14YO daughter’s Facebook page and entries and I check my 18YO son’s e-mail because he tends to ignore it for days at a time.</p>
<p>I think it’s way too intrusive to be checking the email of an 18 year old, not to mention that’s not going to teach him how to deal with his own bad habits of not checking his email. </p>
<p>In general, I agree with the posters before hammer, if you have a real reason to suspect your kid is in danger, physically or mentally, it is sometimes appropriate to cross the privacy line. However, privacy is important to teenagers (I remember it being important to me as a teenager at least), even if it’s just the illusion of privacy. As a parent, you CAN do pretty much whatever you want. However, it will make your relationship with your kid a lot smoother if you don’t always do whatever you want just because you can. Kids who think their parents don’t trust them or don’t respect them, may decide that if good behavior gets them treated like bad kids, they might as well not bother being good. I would think that it’s better to talk to your kids if you have concerns about their behavior first, try to communicate with them and try to respect their privacy. I would only use invasion of privacy as a last resort. </p>
<p>Also, it seems like there are simple ways to watch out for your kids’ safety, while still letting them maintain some sense of the privacy that teenagers want so badly. Put the family computer in a central space where it’s visible to you and others, instead of giving them their own in-room computers to use. Talk to them about internet safety, sexting, and other challenges. Be their friend on facebook and monitor their activity. Talk to them about inappropriate posts. You’d be surprised how many kids just don’t understand the reprecussions of things they do on the internet or on their phone. Make it clear that they can come and talk to you about things. That’s probably a better safeguard against bad behavior than watching every step they take.</p>
<p>14 year old? Definitely ok, and the parent’s responsibility to check if s/he feels the need, imo. To do it out of idle curiosity - who’s dating whom? what did he and gf discuss last night?.. I find that inappropriately meddlesome. But to see that your child is not interacting with inappropriate people in inappropriate ways… yes.</p>
<p>Once it’s an 18 year old, my opinion changes. But every case is different.</p>
<p>I took a tip from cc and now my son has a new “college applications only” email address that we both can check on while he is applying to colleges next fall. I wouldn’t check his regular email but he’ll appreciate it if I check the college one occasionally next year.</p>
<p>I’ll quit checking when we know all of his applications are complete. I won’t check it to see if he got IN to colleges.</p>
<p>
Agree with this and especially with the statement that every case is different…and to clarify, the 18YO tends to disengage and not follow up on things like job applications, etc. so that’s why I check his e-mail. He never uses e-mail for personal correspondence and if he started to I’d back off of checking it myself mainly because I’d know that he’s looking at it.</p>
<p>Guess I’d say that each parent has the right to monitor as they feel is necessary, and based on my own kids’ personalities and experience I tend to be a bit on the conservative side. Once the S is off to school in the fall I will be more than happy to send/receive the occasional phone call and just make sure that he’s safe and sound.</p>
<p>Yes I agree for the most part with the other posters. Now, a little anecdotal commentary. My d, headed off to her top choice in the fall, probably reached her low point sophomore year when she was 16 with an edgy boyfriend and a little experimentation, shall we say. It was a really rough time for our family. I began monitoring her computer for incriminating IM messages, and I caught her at a few things. She made me feel pretty guilty for a timeutter snooping, but in retrospect, she was reAlly at a fork in the road in a number of categories, and I have concluded that we nipped some of these behaviors in the bud and steered her back on the right path. Not a perfect kid, don’t get me wrong…but here we are, graduating next month, and things are for the most part good…national honor society, happy with the direction she’s heading.
Fast forward to April 2011. Our 18 year-old neighbor died 3 weeks ago. Apparent suicide, college freshman, while home for the weekend, ended her life. LaSt week a friend referred me to this girl’s blog, linked to on her FB page. 3 years of warnings of tragedies to come. Risky behaviors documented, suicide threats. These parents are devastated. My take is that nobody should ever feel bad monitoring what their kids are writing online. Outwardly this was a very normal, thriving teen. Beloved babysitter to local families. No terrible problems with her parents. The warning signs were there, but her cries for help were all online, possibly unknown to her family…I am still not sure.</p>
<p>If you feel there are warning signs and reason to worry, I would not feel bad getting into your kids’ business online. Let’s not have our heads in the sand. Sorry it’s a sad story.</p>
<p>With kids in HS & under, we had them only use computers in the living room where we all passed by & COULD (but didn’t) look over their shoulders. I have never checked their emails or facebook or other postings–then or now that they’re young adults. To date, they have never given me cause for concern & I hope it remains that way.</p>
<p>If your teenager is involved in risky behavior or appears to be than IMHO it is normal for any parent to snoop. I have four kids and have snooped on one. If I had to do it over again I would. It would be easy if just asking your child gave you the answers or information but sadly kids who are in trouble lie. There is no parent alive who has snooped and found out dangerous information who would ever feel that they regret snooping even if it causes some rift in the relationship. If snooping results in information that is alarming, you need to step back and really decide how you are going to handle it effectively. Good luck with your child.</p>