<p>Several of my female friends divorced because they were tired of carrying all the parenting load as well as working full-time (among other things). Their spouses DID spend more time & energy with the kids after the divorce. They have all moved on with their lives and all four of them have remained single, while all of the men shortly thereafter got into new relationships and three of them remarried.</p>
<p>Most of the women we know do marry before deciding to start a family and have their spouses actively involved with their kids. Perhaps it’s a cultural & class thing? It is difficult to raise a family on a single paycheck around here.</p>
<p>No it isn’t. I know many engineers that have moved back to India
and China for the better employment opportunities vs cost of living
calculation.</p>
<br>
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<p>Various people have told me that there are Indian women that get
STEM degrees to demonstrate their personal merits to prospective
husbands, not necessarily intending to use them but able to if
need be.</p>
<p>I would assume that the sets of parents doing the arranging have
the idea of “bringing to the table” in mind.</p>
<p>Several of my female friends divorced because they were tired of carrying all the parenting load as well as working full-time (among other things). </p>
<p>Their spouses DID spend more time & energy with the kids after the divorce. </p>
<p>They have all moved on with their lives and all four of them have remained single, while all of the men shortly thereafter got into new relationships and three of them remarried.</p>
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<p>Yep…have seen that as well here and in So Cal. As for these men spending more time with their kids post-divorce AND getting involved in new relationships/marriages, I’m betting that yes, more time is spent between dad and kids, but the new woman is now carrying the burden of the tasks that the exwife used to do during those visits with dad. It’s not just the “spending time” (which of course is very good), it’s the chore obligations that go along with child-rearing. It’s one thing to sit in the stands and watch Junior play soccer, it’s another to spend hours getting those grass stains out of his uniform later.</p>
<p>^or remembering to bring the snack, or filling out the medical forms so he can play in the Travel league. You’re right – there are all these “behind the scenes” chores that aren’t much fun but which have to be done.</p>
<p>Actually, many of these kids are older at the time of the divorce. The kids have very limited interest in retaining their roles with the dads & new partners/spouses but are still very close to their moms.</p>
<p>Have mostly heard and spoke with the moms, so not linked in with the dads. Sad that these kids are pretty distant from the dads. Will see if that changes over time, but doubt it. One of the dads asked grown daughter to describe her ideal wedding (she was describing the wedding SHE was planning with her long-term BF). He went out & HAD exactly that wedding. She was heartbroken & had to change her plan & carried out an entirely different wedding since she felt usurped by her own dad. Another friend has had the new wife & exH tell the kids from marriage 1 that they will NOT be welcome in new household once they turned 18 (both were in late teens). Not surprisingly, they have not had much contact with their dad since then. :(</p>
<p>As for your second person, what woman in their right mind would marry a loser like that? The kids are better off with no father than a father like that.</p>
<p>My friend is a second wife. Her husband has an adult daughter with fairly severe mental challenges. My friend, even though she works full-time, ends up doing a lot to help the young woman. She does so with grace. I don’t think I would be as accepting.</p>
<p>The woman in the next cubicle at work (the subject of the “pathological liar” thread) married a man 8 years ago who had a 4-year old boy and a 9-year old girl. She decided then and there that he wouldn’t see them again even though they live in the same town. He hasn’t.</p>
<p>Just my own limited observation but children, even well into adulthood, are more forgiving of their high earning but absent dad than a high income but not as involved mom.</p>
<p>Actually, many of these kids are older at the time of the divorce. The kids have very limited interest in retaining their roles with the dads & new partners/spouses but are still very close to their moms.</p>
<p>Have mostly heard and spoke with the moms, so not linked in with the dads. Sad that these kids are pretty distant from the dads. Will see if that changes over time, but doubt it. One of the dads asked grown daughter to describe her ideal wedding (she was describing the wedding SHE was planning with her long-term BF). He went out & HAD exactly that wedding. She was heartbroken & had to change her plan & carried out an entirely different wedding since she felt usurped by her own dad. Another friend has had the new wife & exH tell the kids from marriage 1 that they will NOT be welcome in new household once they turned 18 (both were in late teens). Not surprisingly, they have not had much contact with their dad since then. </p>
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<p>Well, when you consider that the wives divorced these types of guys because they weren’t “pulling their weight” in regards to home responsibilities, that also suggests that these guys never strongly bonded to their own kids. Part of the bonding process for parents is doing the “nitty gritty” for kids…making their special meals, caring for them when they’re sick, holding them when they’re upset or scared.</p>
Oh, No. I have never done any of these as a parent. It looks like I am doomed!</p>
<p>However, I have one very special “talent” though. Whenever I open my mouth, I could make the listener (esp. family members because (s)he has listen to the same thing zillions of times in the past) very sleepy very quickly.</p>
<p>One night while DS had to stay in a hotel due to a winter storm on his way to (or from?) school, and he could not fall asleep. We were worried as it was already pretty late and he needed to get up early next morning to catch the last leg of flight. Then we thought putting me to the phone might help. Sure enough, after I started to talk, within 10 minutes, he was sleepy and ready for his sleep.</p>
<p>Since then, whenever DS had a trouble getting into sleep, our first reaction is: “Get the Daddy on the phone.”</p>
<p>Oh…since his early childhood, almost all educational toys (including tradional ones like blocks, but especially for those which have the modern gadget flavor like computers) were introduced by this dad (He and I together wrote a very primitive video game, using a kid-friendly LOGO semi-programming tool called MicroWorlds, as a Christmas gift for me.) Does this count as “bonding” experience? I also hunt down well too many good math/physics problems for him to “enjoy” (most came with my personalized “hint/insight” and detailed solutions) before college. Does this count as well?</p>
<p>See, Dad has some something that Mom does not have.</p>
<p>But overall speaking, I admit the kid is still much closer to the Mom. I have zero chance to compete againt her as she is a stay-at-home mom and spends all the time with him while he was growing up. But the (grown up now) kid knows when to ask dad (instead of mom) when needed. By pure coincidence, I learned about his admittances to college as well as professional school before my wife. My wife really hates this.)</p>
<p>Well, I think most/all of the dads that post here on CC are pretty “hands on” in some way. The fact that they take this kind of interest means that they’re not just Walking Paychecks living in the home.</p>