<p>It’s commonly stated that prosperity makes friends while adversity tests them. Indeed, many people believe that your true friends are usually those who are there for you during tough times.</p>
<p>My friend and I, however, were having a conversation not long ago, and she stated that such people can often be dangerous. According to her, when you’re facing difficult situations, they will be there and sometimes even pretend to help (by offering you scraps here and there). But when your lot begins to improve, they often get jealous and might even secretely sabotage you in order to maintain the upper hand in the relationship. She then referred to the term, frenemies. </p>
<p>My friend thinks that, even if one’s life is crumbling, generally he/she should act as if things are going well because desperation and adversity can attract malevolent opportunists posing as friends.</p>
<p>What do you think of her ideas? Are you too cautious/wary of people who befriend those going through adversity?</p>
<p>I don’t have a large group of close friends, but the people we are close with would never, and I can say that with complete certainty, do that. And H and I would never do that in return. </p>
<p>If I have to be that vigilant and skeptical about my friends, I don’t want or need them as friends.</p>
<p>If I were to hide my crumbling life to real friends then I don’t see how they can be real friends. I think we all have varying circles of friends/acquaintances and will be selective with whom we share but I have never yet come across a "do gooder " who thrives on others’ bad times.</p>
<p>I think it depends on where these “friends” come from. When I was working in cut-throat offices, I would have definitely agreed with you. Now that I’m not working and my friends are generally people I want to see, I don’t think any of them would behave that way.</p>
<p>First of all, when my life is crumbling, I don’t have the energy to put on a happy face. I work in very small, supportive offices so I wouldn’t need to hide there either (though I try to not bring my problems to work). </p>
<p>Unlike some, I have no problem cutting out “friends” like this from my life. I have had toxic relationships and they’re just not worth the effort.</p>
<p>No, you should not put on a happy face IMO.</p>
<p>I have seen exactly what you friend mentioned. Not my friends but my mom’s circle of friends. They were jealous of each other and it showed in what they did. </p>
<p>I recenlty went through a bad spell. I was talking to a family member about it and I was completely cut off. My problems had nothing to do with her. I was shocked since I had been so supportive of her through the years. You never really know who your real friends are until you experience life in all of it degrees of living.</p>
<p>I have never liked the phrase, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, but in certain situations, it is good advice. People need to be wise enough to know who to share things with. A phrase I do like is, "sorrow shared is halved and joy shared is doubled. And if you have true friends, this phrase is almost always true.</p>
<p>I tell my kids that true friends are the ones who would celebrate with you when you are on top of the world. It is easy to pity someone when he/she is low, it often makes people feel good that it is not happening to them. All you have to do is read CC’s posts.</p>
<p>I think your friend offers some good advice worth considering before you bare your soul. I choose my closest confidants very carefully as I have experienced just what your friend speaks of. We all need someone to confide in when times get tough, but that someone has to truly have your best interests at heart. Not all “friends” fit into this category as jealousy is often a close bed fellow of friendship. It can be very subtle but it is often there.</p>
<p>I learned this lesson the hard way. I confided in someone that I considered worthy about a personal matter only to find out that she then discussed it with other members of our social circle. It was not discussed in a nice way; from my understanding it was presented as “so you all think her life is so perfect well let me tell you…” As far as I was concerned that friendship was forever altered. I won’t make the same mistake again.</p>
<p>“Friends close, enemies closer”–definitely for the work place. It’s one of the only ways to keep on top of office gossip and protect yourself. If it’s your career/livelihood you really don’t have a choice. You need to protect yourself in such situations.
But on a more personal level–I don’t need enemies as friends–they take way too much energy with no redeeming value. And as for jealousy issues, the more you work on yourself and become secure as a person the less jealous you are of others.</p>
<p>There is this term TMI that I think can be relevant for a lot of situations. There are the best of times and the worst of times, and there is discretion as to how much and how one shares with people. What you share with one person may not be appropriate with another. There is a common sense aspect to what one shares, to whom, and how much.</p>
<p>Particle physics has nothing on the complexity of the human psyche. Just my opinion, but strangers are more likely to take advantage when things are good. Family, on the other hand-Flip a coin?</p>
<p>In some circles each person has a role and people do not like change, if the fat girl loses weight, if the girl with acne discovers medicine that clears her face, if the fresh faced girl begins wearing make up, etc. It can be threatening, and I usually think of this being a teen girl thing, if someone changes their role. As if there is only room for one pretty blonde and one smart girl and one sporty girl. </p>
<p>I have also seen this when a new person moves in, or joins a team, it can threaten the status quo.</p>
<p>I have had friends who are not someone with whom I would share down moments, they can cheer lead the good stuff, but are not adept at handling the bad. Oh, and I did have one friend who was a stalwart support during a horrible time in my life. When things improved she slipped away, there were a number of logical reasons at that time, but also, in reviewing her past history, she seemed to always have a sidekick who was less fortunate than she.</p>
<p>Sometimes people are who they are and as long as you don’t expect different behavior, you can have a friend with whom you share the good stuff and know she is not jealous and have a different friend with whom you share the bad stuff.</p>
<p>Sounds like my sister-in-law. I need someone to warn me if shes in town so Im on a vacation somewhere. :D</p>
<p>
It goes both ways. If you have heaps of money some friends/acquaintances/relatives will take advantage of the fact and rip you off. If youre incapacitated, have dementia or down-and-out some vultures will pretend to be your friend to milk money from you because either youre desperate and trusting or you fall for their tricks. Psychopaths exist to take advantage of the wealthy and the poor, the celebrity and the average Joe.</p>
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It depends. I wouldnt. for example, question Pope Franciss motives if hes there to offer words of consolation.</p>
<p>I think how someone handles their crumbling life is largely a personality trait of the crumble-ee. </p>
<p>I have two friends whose marriages both fell apart suddenly and in a rather spectacular and unexpected fashion. One friend just retreated inside herself and literally disappeared, leaving town without letting anyone know what happened or where she was going. No one could reach out to her because she wouldn’t let anyone in. She used to be this highly visible, perfect mother/perfect wife type personality in our community and she has just disappeared. </p>
<p>The other friend with similar community visibility did just the opposite. In an email she sent to 25 friends (not all super close, but friends none the less) she said, “I’d love any and all support anybody cares to give me” this ranged from dinner/coffee/lunch invitations to help with moving, legal advice, re-locating, etc. She accepted everything, and people rallied around her as a result. She has a cadre of people she can call on and the two or three close friends she has don’t feel totally swamped or responsible for her well-being all the time.</p>
<p>People really do want help when stuff like this happens, Friend #2 made it easy for people to help her and as a result she is really doing well despite her crumbled life.</p>