Sorry for a long post.
There is one dirty secret I have not revealed to my DS to this day and perhaps never will: Before M10, I prayed God he would get rejected from both PEA and PA. I was hugely relieved and happy when he received rejections from both. To be sure, I could do it because he had receiced some early acceptances. But I was afraid unexpected acceptances from the “Phillipses” would temp him into the prestige game, shifting his focus from “which school is right for me” to which school is more “ah~~~” ones.
We, the been-there-done-that parents, know that, in the long game of marathon called life, after all, a high school is a high school, no matter how difficult to get in, no matter how it is packaged. One has to move so much more beyond from there.
That made me sure of one thing clear: I would not send my kid to a school KNOWING FULL WELL he will end up bottom half rather than the other half - at least academically. There were 2 questions related to reaching this decision.
Is there a situation where one belongs to the bottom half and still considers the experience worthwhile? My answer to this was maybe, but there would be better choices in such case, especially when there are a ton of alternatives and the stage is too early to have your ego crushed. My inquiry was independent of college matriculation, although it would be related in real life, as GPA would be a decisive factor.
Now the more difficult question: how could I know in advance how my son would fare in which school? This was the tougher question of the two. Ranking doesn’t tell. Fame doesn’t. The same student could perform miserably at UChicago while acing at Harvard, and vice versa. This is where the illusive “fit” comes in, or so I thought. And the “luck” of finding the right group for you on campus. My personal experience may shed some light.
I did poorly in college - not because of academic difficulties but because of poor fit. Not getting along socially or being unhappy can have a big negative impact on your performance. Nobody in my college dorm was interested in the kind of topics I was into. I was a “nerd” who should have matriculated to MIT when they gave me an offer rather than coming to a school in which everyone looked like the models out of J Crew catalogue. I came with a vain hope of becoming someone else. It was not my cup. I missed my buddies back home whom I used to hang out playing arcade games munching pizza slices, making computer assemblies, coding in a few languages. I had a terrible home sick throughout my college, cutting classses to sleep in my solitude.
Looking back, on the flip side, most of my college folks would have been miserable at MIT - the nerd heaven - where they would have to deal with hundered of kids like me. When I finally took a computer class in my senior year, I was shocked to find so many fine students there were clueless about computer concepts and sought my help. For the first time in my college I felt useful to others. I had found my group - but 3 years too late and there were too few.
They say the admission game is self selective. Not always. Apparently, my college admission made the wrong choice of accepting me, and I made the wrong choice of enrolling there. They did it for the diversity of including nerds, and I for vague and vain factors such as “prestige and luxury,” the life I did not have. One right decision by either could have prevented it. Two back-to-back wrong decisions completed my misery.
I digressed to make my point clear: You must be careful - when they reject you, not so, when they accept you, so much so. You no longer have the protection of rejection. The school that has just accepted you, righly or wrongly, put the remaining half squarely on your shoulder. If you accept their offer knowing that you will struggle to fit in there, you have only yourself to blame.
In my DS’ case I was reasonably sure from many indicators that he would not fit in there, and the schools acknowleged that too through merciful rejections. The other day, my DS sent me a message: “I cannot believe I was once interested in PA and PEA. I cannot see how I could have gone to any school other than this one, with all my friends and teachers!” Now I am really relieved.
PS I know my college example has nothing to do with PA or PEA as they both boast some of the finest “nerds” among their students in the country as well. I tried to make the complex point of fit - the fit can be irrelevant to ranking and it is very personal in nature. For instance, if you are the type who never speak out in class, a Harkness is not gonna change that aptitude - it might as well make you abominate it more, having met those who chatter meaninglessly and endlessly in class to leave impressions on teachers and earn participation points, for there are kids who prime everything to political ends.
