<p>So lately my mom has been making it clear she does not want me to go so far off to school. I feel a little guilty but this is something I want. I’m considering schools in GA (she’s sort of okay with that), NY and MA. I’m waiting to hear from my first choice (in NY) but regardless I’ll be leaving Texas.
Our roles have always sort of flip-flopped: for example, one day I’ll be the mature one while she acts rude and annoying, and vice versa, but I only act rude and annoying because I’m a moody teenager, what’s her excuse?
Because of this I’m genuinely worried about leaving her alone. Because on her worst days, she’s extremely childish and gullible. A few weeks ago she invited “salesmen” in our house and gave them a lot of information about us and just today I had to talk her out of buying into a Ponzi scheme. I also believe she has a bipolar disorder and I really want her to address it but she gets angry if I mention it.
Before I leave in the fall should I do something? Is there anything I can do? Would asking for a year’s deferral from whatever school I decide to go to be taking it too far? </p>
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<p>Well, if she is bi-polar as you suspect, there’s her “excuse.”</p>
<p>Do you have any trusted family members whom you can confide in for support/advice? Is there someone who SHE trusts who could help her?</p>
<p>You’re right; that was sort of insensitive.
We’re kind of distanced from the rest of my family except when it comes to emergencies (which I guess this may constitute as). And her best friend passed away a year ago, so that makes me feel even worse about leaving her by herself.</p>
<p>Don’t defer your college by a year – especially if you don’t have a particular “plan” to help your mother. Can you speak to her doctor? The doc is prohibited from talking to you about her, but he can listen to you express your concern. That might be one path to stroll.</p>
<p>VeryHappy’s suggestion is good. I would also communicated with her siblings, if she has any and if they are stable individuals, and her parents, if they are also.</p>
<p>Are you an only child? What about your father?</p>
<p>She doesn’t really have a doctor. Or one she sees regularly, at least.
I might get in contact with one of my aunts and uncles but they’re kind of like her; they don’t really like to talk about mental illnesses even though it’s common in our family.
I’m not an only child. I have an older brother but he does not live with us and he moves around quite often because he runs an online clothing shop and he’s always promoting and stuff.
I think she does not like to talk about it because my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and had quite a few episodes, one after the other, in like October 2012 - April 2013.
She is also a single mother so, no, we’re not in contact with my father. I never knew him.
This is why I’m feeling pretty guilty about leaving her alone because when I leave, she really will be alone. And she has a habit of dating terrible dudes (not abusive, just stupid and moochy). That only stopped because I’m incredibly mean and I judge characters as a hobby.</p>
<p>Is your mom close to ANYONE who is stable and that you could speak to honestly about your concerns? Minister or friend from church? Friend? Neighbor? It’s tough if you’re really socially isolated and neither of you have any outside friendships in common. Is there any medical professional that you and she have ANY relationship with?</p>
<p>All I can think of is my aunts and uncles who may or may not be able to help depending on how busy they are. So yeah, it’s basically just us right now and the occasional “are y’all still alive? just checkin’” family member.
What I’m considering doing is having, not an intervention exactly, but a completely serious talk with her and trying to get her to listen to me about at least talking to a doctor or therapist just to humor me before I go off so that I know she’s okay. Maybe she’ll do it if I just continue to insist?</p>
<p>If you do have a serious talk, don’t try to diagnose her. You aren’t qualified and I think it would be really annoying to have someone do that to me. You are only able to ask her to get a diagnosis or check up or whatever and you can go with her. I would try both a MD and a therapist. Maybe you can ask for a family therapy meeting to discuss the situation. The goal is to get her support.</p>
<p>It’s hard to tell if your mother’s recent behavior is a new change or has always been there but you are finally old enough to see it. The fear and stress of the changes to come (you leaving home) could be exacerbating it, however it is the natural course of things for children to grow up and become independent.
She is showing poor judgment and needs medical intervention as a number of physical, mental, emotional reasons could be behind it. It’s not up to you to know exactly what. You can calmly explain your concerns to her (without judging or diagnosing as PB said) and ask her to get medical/theraputic help, but you can’t force her. She may or may not agree.
Regardless of her response- you can get help for yourself to deal with this situation. This might seem counterintuitive- you are the healthy one here, but your family affects you. You can see a therapist who can help you find resources for your mother. Your mother might agree to go with you if you go. A therapist can look at the situation more objectively than you can, and may also help you make the best decision for next year- be it to move on with your life or take a deferral. </p>
<p>Google community mental health and the name of your town. See what comes up.</p>
<p>I think BrownParent’s suggestion is a good one. Don’t stop until you get through to her. It may take several attempts.</p>
<p>Yes. It’s more as if my brother and I have always noticed her odd behavior and just assumed all mothers were irrational.
Like little things can set her off: I once dropped a huge bottle of coke when I was a child and I laughed. As I was going to go clean it up, she told me to stop laughing and she slapped me. I think that’s an overreaction.
And a few weeks ago, I locked my keys in my car and I called her to come help. She ranted and raved in front of a lot of people at the gas station for about thirty minutes before she calmed down and remembered our insurance covers that. THEN she started laughing. Stuff like that happens a lot so I try not to make mistakes.
I’m almost guaranteed that something traumatic happened when she was younger but like my grandmother was, my mother is very tight-lipped and it’s as taboo as kissing cousins to speak up about your feelings or secrets in my family.
I think if I insist that I’d feel better if she talked to someone before I go, she may listen. I just don’t want a bunch of repressed memories or something attacking her while I’m away.</p>
<p>And I may take the route of using myself to get into a therapist’s office. There are services around here that are free for people under 18, so I’d be good until May, but they’re the shoddy kind.</p>
<p>How do you know they’re shoddy? Don’t just assume they are, since they are free. My sons’ doctor has an active private practice, but also works at a community counseling center a couple of days a week. One of my sons sees a counselor at a community center, and she is awesome. Better than a private one he went to, previously.</p>
<p>I took advantage of them about a year ago when I was stressed and overwhelmed with my brother’s episodes and school. I only say “shoddy” because the woman they paired me with was like a “just this year!” grad who kept insisting my weight was causing my problems because “that can lead to depression.” Ignoring the fact that my weight yo-yos and I’d be feeling sad regardless. Every time I went to her office she’d ask if I had been working out and try to give me weight loss tips instead of trying to find a solution. X(
I guess if I can find someone with a bit of experience, I’d feel better about going but I can’t really be choosy when I’m getting it for free.</p>
<p>Even if it’s free, you can ask to see a different person. I’d suggest you make the appointment sooner than later, so you (possibly with your mom) can figure out things with the therapist while you still qualify for free services. Counseling is all about having the right counselor that you can work with. Not all counselors are the right fit, and it can be worthwhile to see if you can find one that is a good fit for you (or at least a better fit). </p>
<p>To me, it seems very reasonable to try to get your mom to have a physical and also go to a counselor before you decide whether you’re leaving in the fall or possibly deferring. Much better to make a choice and decision with good information.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I have taken our kids to three different counselors apiece (all of whom I’ve paid for). I have also seen free counselors at when I was a student at the U. I much preferred the counselors I saw at the U that were free over the ones my kids saw. They also didn’t really connect with any of the ones we tried, even though they were supposed to be especially good at working with teens and kids.</p>
<p>It seems your mother has long standing problems and that there is also other family dysfunction ( which is par for the course when there’s disorder in someone in a family). In this situation, most family members play a role that works for the family, but can be dysfunctional in other situations. Families also end up in some equilibrium between members, and when there is a change ( a family member leaves, or gets emotionally healthy and doesn’t “play” the family games) things can go awry. Regardless of what is going on with your mom, your family is in some kind of situation that also involves a role for you.
Therapy will help you understand your family and hopefully help you with the decisions about college. Your mother needs help, but whether or not she accepts it, or if she has to deal with some memories is not something you can control. You can certainly try, but the only decisions you can make are for you.
You would not have a dilemma if you chose to stay and be your mother’s caretaker, but this isn’t what you want, and that may not really be the best thing for you. You want to go to college, and you are also concerned about your mother. That’s understandable, but you also have to pursue your future.
As well as getting help with your family situation now, I would also suggest continuing this at student health in college, because your family situation is ongoing and may continue to be a source of stress. </p>
<p>I think you will be in a better position to help her in the long term if you have your education vs. deferring and hoping that things will be better in a year. That scenario could go on indefinitely if there are any manipulations which make you feel guilty for leaving.</p>
<p>Thank you all very much. I will try to get as much help to her before school begins no matter where I go. I just can’t bear the thought of leaving her, though that’s what’s supposed to happen.
Also, I’ve been trying to convince her to move near me while I live in a dorm. Both of us were born and raised here but while she sticks to what she knows, I’ve always been ready to go elsewhere. She says if I go to GA she’ll think about it but MA is far and NYC (where my first choice is) scares her and is too expensive. I suggested a town about an hour or so away.
I think if I can’t get her into a doctor’s office, or even if I can, I’ll keep trying to get her to come with me.</p>