Mother of the Groom-I need to bite my tongue!

Parent Cafe
1

I need words of wisdom from my CC friends before I do or say something I don’t really want said. Apologies in advance for being long winded; I just want to make sure you understand my situation.

Our son will be married next fall in the city where he and his fiancee currently live. We live a few states away which the brides parents live about a 3 hour drive from the couple. We are Jewish, the bride is Christian; believe it or not, this is not the worry. Both are in their early 30’s, the eldest of their siblings, and the first to be married. As the couple have only been in this city for less than two years and most family and friends live elsewhere, this is basically a destination wedding. The brides parents have given each daughter a set amount to spend on their wedding; my understanding if the cost is more, the bride will pay herself.

As best as I can tell, the bride has decided to do everything herself. She might get some opinions from her mother and sisters, but she is trying to do everything alone, with my sons input also. The venue for the wedding has someone full time that assists with the event, so at least she has some professional help. I believe the bride to be not one for details, so while this is not the wedding I would plan, it is her wedding, so I really am keeping my mouth shut. Hopefully the director at the venue will help steer her in the right direction if she goes too far off course.

While the couple had planned for a small wedding with family and their friends, it looks like the parents of the bride have added tons to the guest list, included people the bride has never heard of; people her parents meet on trips. The bride has never wanted to disappoint her parents, and will not tell them the list needs to be smaller. My son sent me a list for our side months again to see if he had included everyone; family alone is over 60 people, but these are all people my son wants. Well there are a few step cousins that we are hoping to cut assuming my MIL doesn’t go ballistic! I did ask my son if I could invite our 3 closest friends/couples, and he said yes; otherwise I have not put anyone on the list. Of course that is easy for me, as I can always say I was only given a small number, so I could not include everyone I would have liked!

The groom’s side of the family, and actually all of our friends, have always hosted/attending weddings, as well as Bar and Bat Mitzvah that were similar. If a wedding were held on a Saturday night, Friday night would be a rehearsal dinner hosted by the grooms parents for immediate family and any out of town guests. On Sunday, a brunch is held, usually hosted by friends and relatives; again this is for immediate family and out of town guests. The thought has been, these people have travel a good distance to be a part of the ceremony, we should provide meals for them; after all, everything Jewish revolves around the food :wink: Because everyone is coming from out of town, the Friday night dinner would be large. The couple does not want a second wedding event, and I agree. I suggested something casual and low key, maybe BBQ or Mexican, so as not to overshadow the wedding on Saturday. My son said they don’t want a dinner; they just want people to stop by and have a few drinks. Their though was people would rather go out to dinner where they want while in town, so we don’t need to feed them. Before I had a chance to say too much, it seems the brides parents and sisters thought it was a stupid idea, so while I told them I felt I needed to feed the guest, they got an ear full from her family.

While the couple has heard our views, they still think a dinner is not needed, but have agreed to some extent. They have found a location that they love and want the Friday night event held there. While I have not spoken to the planner of this location, I gathered from my son that the place is not to my liking. It is possible that we might have 200 people, and this venue is a historic home, so people will be wondering in different rooms, on the balcony or in the courtyard. Food would be set up here and there, no room for table seating, although there can be some, just not enough for everyone. There will not be a large enough area for everyone to congregate; here I was thinking about making toast and such. My son has 3 living grandparents in their 80’s and one is 90. This venue also does not have an elevator, so in order to get to the larger room, there are too many stairs involved. When my son inquired as to if his grandparents could handle the step, I told him today only one could; 10 months from now, maybe none. I told him I was not interested in hosting an event that I know his grandparents would not be comfortable at. The other issue is the hopes that a good part of the event could be held outside in the courtyard; if it rains this place can not handle 200 people inside without people feeling like sardines.

I am not fond of hosting a dinner where people have to juggle a plate of food and a drink while standing for hours. The wedding will also be a buffet dinner without seating for everyone. Also, the wedding is at a venue where everyone will not be in the same room again; the band will be in one location, while the buffet will be placed in different room with some hightop tables scattered around. I have a hard time imagining all our guest having to stand through two night events. While this wedding is about the bride and groom, at what point can I say, I am paying for Friday night, so either it is my way, or no way? That is not something I want to say as I want my son to have what they want, but I think they are clueless here. If they would just find another venue that would accommodate all the guests, with an inside area that everyone can sit comfortably if the weather doesn’t cooperate, the rest will fall into place. They are just set on this location; unless it gets booked from under them, I don’t believe they will be willing to look elsewhere.

Am I being selfish wanted to host an actually dinner Friday night just so my out of town guest will be happy? I truly have never been to a wedding or Bar/Bat Mitzvah that did not include a dinner the night before the actual event. Even my non Jewish friends do this, so I don’t think this is just something we are accustom to in our circle. Being as the bride’s family didn’t like the idea, I assume we are not that different. So my big issue is making sure we serve something that looks like a meal, hopefully with seating for all, and at a venue that can handle the numbers we have with a contingency plan if the weather does cooperate. I also do not want to start a fight with my son or DIL to be, so I am tiptoeing as much as I can; I am just afraid I am going to blow!

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Am I being selfish wanted to host an actually dinner Friday night just so my out of town guest will be happy?>>>>>>

Absolutely not! You are the groom’s parents and these are your understood reponsitbilties. Stick to your guns. I don’t know what the heck they are thinking!!
I would say “Son, dear, we need to have a discussion. Please understand that etiquette requires us to host a rehersal dinner. No ifs, ands or buts. That is the way society operates and we have looked forward to doing this for you and your wedding party for all of your life. Please share with your fiancee that this is what is going to happen and for her not to give another worry about it. We will let you know the details as they emerge. Love you!!”

3

Too many cooks in the kitchen. If you are hosting the dinner on Friday evening which I think is customary then you should handle the details. Maybe the couple is not receptive to the idea because they think they will have to plan and oversee the friday affair as well as the wedding. Simply ask your son if you can handle the Friday night dinner - if they are amenable then it is up to you to find the location and handle all the planning and details. If he says “no” then I would take a step back. Certainly there would be nothing stopping you from hosting a dinner for your family and out of town friends on Friday evening.

4

I think the issue of accessibility for the grandparents is the deal breaker. Honestly, the rest of your concerns wouldn’t concern me at all… you can ask to give a toast at the reception if you want to toast. Also, do you REALLY want to take on all the Friday night planning from a distance, as you are likely to have to do?

5

A rehearsal dinner is a perfectly typical wedding event. I’m not sure why these people think that having other events associated with the wedding is “a stupid idea.” The last out of state wedding I went two included three other events–a very casual dinner and drinks at a local restaurant 2 nights before, a rehearsal dinner type event the night before, the wedding, and brunch the next day. Lots of long distance travel from coasts tote Midwest so some people arrived a couple of days early. Even my very low key wedding (around 80 guests and that’s mostly because I have 30+ local family members) had a rehearsal dinner.

You are not being at all unreasonable to want an event you are hosting to be done according to your liking. The bride and groom can have some say but really if you are hosting (as is traditional) her family should not be that involved.

I wouldn’t necessarily mind if I went to a wedding that didn’t have one. I might well be annoyed if I went to a wedding that had a non-dinner event in the evening. Choosing my own place to eat is one thing. Being in a strange city and having to find dinner and also work in some other party on a Friday night seems kind of inconvenient.

6

It sounds to me like the initial plans of the bride and groom to have a small wedding have simply blown up and they haven’t caught up the the new reality. They seem to like the idea of a small cocktail party with hors d’oeuvres at a historic house. They can try to enforce a smaller guest list or they must accommodate everyone.

The issue of accessibility is very important and that, along with the size of the venue, should be the most important points in choosing a place for the rehearsal dinner. Does it truly need to be 200 people? If the bride’s family is local then their guests would likely not be coming. I’m biased for the rehearsal dinners being for the people who are actually rehearsing but I know that is not always the case, especially as weddings get bigger and bigger! If your number of guests were pared down you would have more flexibility and hopefully, more control of the situation.

7

Why don’t you also do some online research into alternative places for the rehearsal dinner so you can provide more viable choices to them. I bet they don’t know about all the big, weatherproof, fabulous places out there!

Amenities are important. My SisIL had a reception at a wonderful (and large) old house of some type. What I remember most was that the bathroom was so small that I couldn’t maneuver in there with my fancy dress on. My MIL told me to use the big bathroom in the bride’s special suite and that was nice and all but the door didn’t close. I don’t remember the food, I remember the stupid bathrooms! OK, I also remember the martini bar…

8

It’s your party, I say host it as you want, in the venue / style you prefer.

9

I wouldn’t mind a rehearsal-dinner type reception that was more of a cocktail party with heavy appetizers where some people would not be sitting. However, it would need to be accessible to the grandparents.

10

Our son married recently: In one sense it was a mixed marriage. Bride is conservadox, my husband is Episcopalian and I am a secular Jew My son chose the menu for the rehearsal dinner…Texas barbeque. While we paid for much of the wedding…we mutually selected the wedding venue. Bride’s mother went WAY over numbers…I let the restaurant deal with it…and she did pay for that. Bride’s mom wanted benches…she paid for it.

What I am saying is: State what you would like…compromise…(gently remind the bride that you are paying for this dinner)…state your needs (the day after brunch is important because…Smile and compromise

11

I do think one has to consider the age of people attending. While I am perfectly happy to attend an event where I might not have a seat or where I have to move from room to room, older people will not feel the same way. If you are inviting guests that are in their 70’s or 80’s then you really should provide a venue for them to sit down for their meal. Especially if they are traveling from out of town. The current wedding venue sounds like a challenge for the elderly, so certainly you should not compound the problem by agreeing to a location for the Friday affair that is equally as challenging.

I am not sure what this family is thinking or if they are thinking at all.

12

Bride and groom are in their thirties, and I think they are on to something. They want something more relaxing than an old-fashioned rehearsal dinner. It sounds like a great idea to me. Why not support their desire for the reception in the historic house, and get together with your friends afterward for dinner? This is, after all, the bride and groom’s weekend. Everything that you can do to support them in their ideas will pay huge dividends in your future relationship with them, even though it is not the way you would do it.

13

We didn’t have a rehersal dinner. Nobody said anything.
I think you can host a dinner for your out of town guests, and couldn’t they stop by the bride and grooms for dessert /drinks, afterwards?

14

Not to “stir the pot” but I also think the family saying that your idea of a rehearsal dinner was “stupid” was pretty classless. Who starts off a relationship with their future in-laws in that manner?

15

I think the bride’s family said that the bride and groom’s idea of the rehearsal dinner - not being a dinner - was stupid. I’m not sure though.

16

Where I come from, the rehearsal dinner is for the members of the wedding party and both sets of parents. Sometimes sibling and who aren’t in the wedding party and grandparents also tag along, but not always. That could be the sort of thing the bride’s family is used to.

I’m still not clear why you feel you have to have all 200 at a sit-down the evening before if only 60 are your own invitees. Could you satisfy your traditional impulse by having a dinner for your guest list, and arrange for the bridal party to stop by?

17

HarvestMoon, no, the brides sisters and parents thought the couples idea for Friday night was stupid according to my son. I am pretty sure they didn’t really say stupid, just that it wasn’t to everyone’s liking. I think the brides parents also think like I do that something other than a stop by for a drink would be best.

Friday night will be the first time the two families meet each other as we all live in different areas. While our family knows the bride, and her family knows my son, the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles have not meet. The couple did not go to school together or live in the same city, so many of their friends do not know the other. I would hate the first time the families got together was at the wedding. My son has promised me they would find a weekend to host both my husband and I along with the bride’s parents so we can meet soon. I spoke to the mother when they got engaged this summer, but have had no need to communicate with her since.

If I have to host my own dinner for my family on Friday, I am not then going to rent a venue where people can come by later for drinks and snacks. If I feed my own family, what about the bride and groom; who do they eat dinner with? I think that would really separate the two families; I want a dinner with both families together to celebrate the couple.

greenwitch, you mentioned bathroom and that was another issue; my son said the bathroom were upstairs. I guess my parents could just wear Depends as they would not be able to make it upstairs!

I have no problems planning this from afar as I have a friend in the city that would help guide me. I was a bit taken aback when the bride told me she found this place as I had no idea she was doing the looking. I was waiting for them to have a better idea of numbers as trying to find a venue not knowing if we were hosting 100 or 300 people was a bit difficult. As the brides mother continues to add people, I am at a lost as to how many will actually be invited. I know most of our side will attend and the couple would like me to include their friends little children to Friday night. I have no problem including the kids of their out of town friend if we are doing something casual as we originally planned, but again, I need so sort of numbers. Venue A may be terrific for 150 people, but not doable for 200.

Also, while I really do like the bride a lot, she is not a detail person, at least when she isn’t at work. She hasn’t thought through any of this, and she doesn’t have any experience planning a large event like this; I have along with my friends and family. I think she and my son just think it will be cool to have a drop by with a guitar player, not thinking though what the immediate family and guest will have to go through to try and find a place to eat dinner while out of town. Is my aunt suppose to eat with her adult children alone or should she had dinner with her siblings? Do I leave my parents to fend for themselves while I might eat with the B&G with her parents and siblings? When you have a destination wedding of up to 300 people, you can not just leave people hanging!

18

“I think you can host a dinner for your out of town guests, and couldn’t they stop by the bride and grooms for dessert /drinks, afterwards?”

Stop by the bride and grooms what, exactly? The B&G are trying to alter an event the OP is paying for to make it into a cocktail party. The OP wants to host a dinner. There is no indication that B&G will host their own cocktail party.

19

I would make sure that they are planning on seating for the grandparents at the wedding reception that don’t include high top tables…

20

Here is a thought. Where are all the out of towners staying? (Including you)

if it is a nice hotel, could you get a hospitality suite and have substantial enough hors d’oeuvres, drinks and desserts so that it becomes a de facto dinner? Could also be easiest on the old folks. Just a thought.