<p>I sometimes lurk around this section and notice a lot of good advice going around, so I thought I´d ask about a little problem. My issue is that I´m 21 and that my mother still treats me like I´m 8 most of the time. I just came back from studying in Peru, where I took multiple trips to different cities by myself, and yet when I come back home my mother still insists on intervening and controlling how I pack my things for a 4 day trip to Minneapolis! (where I go to college). She seriously must think I´m so incompetent that she needs to plan out my snacks, food, and ask what seem to be a million questions about what I´m bringing. I realize I´m not a perfect packer and am disorganized, but I´d rather make mistakes and do these things entirely on my own like any 21 year old would, then have my mother interfering constantly insisting I´m not doing it right and telling me how it should be done. </p>
<p>This is such a consistent theme in our relationship, and causes many unneccesary tearful arguments. I almost never went out alone when I was a child (unless I lied about where I was going), and to this day she goes out of her way to prevent me going out alone after dark, including threatening to cut me off financially from going to college. This is basically what happened for New Years when I was planning to go Chicago with a friend to see the fireworks at midnight, although in the end she did make a valid point about it being difficult to catch the last train (before she was just throwing any excuse she could think of, including flat-out lies, for why I couldn´t go). Considering I work overnight at my university as a security monitor, I can´t believe she still has this fear. I know I´m not even close to independent due to finances, but isn´t there some middle ground between treating your 21 year old daughter like an adult and a toddler who can´t handle the big, bad world by herself?</p>
<p>Since it sounds as if you are not normally living at home/commuting, but just home for the winter break, my advice is to grin and bear it. Soon enough, you’ll have graduated and be living on your own and supporting yourself. Meanwhile, you just have to put up with your mom for the few weeks between now and the beginning of next semester. Although you’ve done all this stuff on your own, your mother hasn’t been there to see it, so she’s stuck in a mode that was probably appropriate a few years ago. This is easy to do because teenagers and young adults do change so fast–I’m always amazed when my 18-year-old son manages to do something practical and highly competenet, because only a short time ago, he needed a lot more monitoring. </p>
<p>It’s also possible that your mother sees risks where you don’t, just because she’s older. When I look back at myself in my late teens and early twenties, I remember doing a lot of things I wouldn’t do now because I’ve had bad experiences that increased my sense of vulnerability. For instance, as a graduate student, I used to walk home alone from the library, through an urban area, at around 1 in the AM. Nothing ever happened to me. In my forties, however, I was attacked walking home from the bus shortly after dark by somebody who tried to rape me, and though I managed to get away, I was pretty badly beaten up. So I have been a lot more careful since, and I worry about my own daughter a lot more, I think, than she worries about herself.</p>
<p>There was a thread a little while ago by the parents, on how they planned to put up with their kids on the winter break, that you might read for some perspective from the other side.</p>
<p>If I’ve misinterpreted your post and you’re living at home while attending college, then this is more of an ongoing problem and you might need to have a more serious talk with your mom. Otherwise, let it go–I’m in my fifties, and my mom is in her mid-eighties, and she still fusses about me. It can be irritating, but it’s a sign of love.</p>
<p>I would agree with the above poster in that if you are only home for a few short weeks it should not be so hard to deal with your mother trying to tell you how to do things that she obviously does not yet realize you have been doing for yourself. A big part of becoming an adult is to learn how to tactfully and graciously speak your peace. I have three sons who have been able to earn my respect for their decisions but never once have they done so by tears or nasty words…which is why they are treated with the respect that they deserve as adults. They would rather use humor or sweetness to make their point if I over step my concerns regarding their decisions. It works beautifully and there are never any hard feelings just my admiration for the way they handle themselves. Your mom does not see you enough for any disagreement to blow out of proportion IMHO. Is it really a big deal if she suggests what to pack for a trip…if it makes her feel good to know that you have everything with you that she thinks you may need so what…Is it really a big deal. Instead of getting defensive give your mother a hug and say I love you too mom…she will get the message.</p>
<p>I admit its not the end of the world since I´m only here for short periods, but what bugs me is my mother is usually the one introducing the nasty words, not me. If I want do something myself or just my way she starts insulting my intelligence, my planning, and generally adding drama to what should be a simple and utterly undramatic activity. She insists I´m talking to her in a tone, when I feel like the only tone I´m maintaining is the one that says I don´t care that much about this issue and this isn´t worth an argument for me. Then she gets really upset when I finally start fighting back (as in telling her I can do it myself, I never swear at my mom or do anything ridiculous like that… she´d kill me if I ever showed THAT much disrespect).</p>
<p>However, I agree this stuff is not all that important, so I probably should just deal with it. I´m only a year or two from moving out anyhow, if I´m fortunate enough to find work in this economy.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I agree that you should grin and bear it. It sounds like the controlling behavior and your perception of her constant criticism is effecting your relationship.</p>
<p>I wonder if your mom is an anxious person. Maybe her behavior is a misguided way of protecting of you because she cares about you very much. Most parents fall into this trap now and then.</p>
<p>Do you think you could talk to her about your feelings? If you do, make it at a time when you are not fighting. Maybe go out to lunch or dinner and talk. Approach the conversation in a way that acknowledges her good intentions. Keep it about the way that you feel. </p>
<p>“Mom, I know that you love me and i appreciate everything that you do for me, but sometimes I feel like you think I’m still a little girl.”</p>
<p>Perhaps you could try to acknowledge what your mother is attempting to do–pass on her wisdom about how to do things–even though the way she’s doing it isn’t perfect. Let her accomplish that goal, but in a way that recognizes that you’re not 8.</p>
<p>Try saying to her, “Mom, I really appreciate your feedback. I’m working on improving these skills, because in a few years I’ll be an adult and need to do this on my own. Do you think you could let me pack by myself first, and then we can talk about things I might have forgotten or suggestions on how I could have done things differently?”</p>
<p>Not sure if she’ll go for it. You know her much better, of course, so you know how she’ll react. But this worked great for me when I was a teen. Recognizing that you might still have things to learn shows a lot of maturity, and allowing her to still have her say makes her feel important and useful. </p>