Mourning -- help!

Parent Cafe
1

<p>A very good friend of mine from high school was killed in a car accident this past weekend. There are no words to describe how this is going for me and all the rest of our friends: this is the first time someone so close to us has died outside of family, and she was such a vivacious and gregarious kid – everyone in the small-ish community knew her and loved her.</p>

<p>Most of us who were in the core group of friends are coping by scheduling and planning and keeping ourselves busy, helping her family and putting together donation drives for funeral expenses and memorials. We are incredibly sad and shocked, but we are working through it, together.</p>

<p>The problem I need help with is my boyfriend. While he was not as close to the girl who passed as some of us were, he was still a member of the core group of friends, shares many of them; we were all members of the same graduating class, and though we don’t all live in the same place anymore, we still keep in touch and get together over breaks. He has never had to deal with someone close to him passing before, not even a family member, and he reacts very strongly and emotionally to the deaths of pets and the like.</p>

<p>The issue is that he has very “male” emotional responses; this pretty much means that he refuses to talk about it, won’t admit he’s as hurt as he is, and is even going so far as to put off planning to get home (NorCal to SoCal; both his father and mine have offered to arrange plane tickets for us) in the hopes that maybe he won’t have to.</p>

<p>Neither his family nor I can get him to talk about it. We are worried about him. He feels very deeply, and we know he is very upset by this, but nothing we say or do – or avoid saying or doing – will get him to open up and let himself grieve, and we are worried that he will internalize this pain (which we know from experience tends to be how he deals with sadness; his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a number of months ago and had a mastectomy, and if I didn’t know his family I might never have found out it even happened). He is used to being the one people come to with problems, and I don’t think he knows how to admit that he has his own and needs help sometimes too.</p>

<p>I am used to this, to some extent, from the way my grandfather and father both act. I am also pretty much the same way. I know that I can’t force him to do anything, and I’m not even interested in trying. I just do not want him to be up in Berkeley alone, away from his friends and his family, stewing on his own grief, missing this chance to say goodbye to his friend. I know he will regret it, and I can’t imagine the impact it will have on how he learns to deal in the future with the sadness and the death that comes into everyone’s life. </p>

<p>Is there anything I or his family can do, or do we just need to let him go and trust that he will decide on his own time how to deal with this?</p>

2

<p>Oh, sweetie, I am <em>SO</em> very sorry to hear of the passing of your dear friend from h.s. {{{{{{{Gentle hugs}}}}}}} to you. When such a young and vivacious life is taken in any way, the survivors are left with incredibly intense feelings of deep sadness, regret, and the unshakable “what ifs.”</p>

<p>I can understand your bf’s reaction, even if it’s completely different from my own way of coping with pain and grief. I do think that his reaction is quintessentially “male,” though there are certainly males out there who cope very differently. </p>

<p>Since the passing of your friend is so very recent, I’d give your bf a bit of time before you worry too much about his grieving process. People grieve in all sorts of ways and at different rates, and the initial shock of something like this can cause all sorts of varied reactions in loved ones. I think that you should make yourself available to him, but not pressure him to talk if he is not comfortable doing so. The shock of this tragic event may still have him “emotionally paralyzed.” Your presence alone will bring him peace and comfort in a profound and “soul” way. </p>

<p>I am glad that you and your friends are dealing with your grief in such a proactive and positive way, but I suspect that as this flurry of activity ends, you, too, will be struck with some emotions that have been shoved aside by all of the activity. Perhaps at that time, if you turn to your bf, he will reciprocate by turning to you, and together, you can work through your grief.</p>

<p>Sending thoughts, prayers and much sympathy to the family of this wonderful young girl–and to her beloved friends who will always keep her alive in their collective memory.</p>

<p>love, ~berurah</p>

3

<p>So so sorry, undecided.</p>

<p>A high-school teammate of my son’s committed suicide immediately after graduating. It rocked our small town in just the ways you are experiencing right now. We had the good fortune to have experts from the Center for Grieving Children speak to us - separately focused on the different groups (his classmates, younger students, parents). </p>

<p>This question came up - of how to get the “refusers” to open up and talk. My son was one of these; he specifically said to me almost immediately “I don’t want to talk about it.” I remember that they told us that it is not necessary for them to talk. Each person has his own way of dealing. He can grieve without “opening up” to grieve. I am sorry, undecided, that I can’t really remember any of the more specific thoughts they shared on this issue - which helped me at the time and might help you now. Perhaps another poster will have more to add.</p>

<p>I think that you can offer help to your friend if you see signs that he truly needs counseling. But just reassure yourself that his way may be fine. Different from yours and mine, but fine.</p>

4

<p>Thank you berurah and jmmom for your quick and helpful responses.</p>

<p>I’m going to be a little more explicit: My boyfriend and I are in Berkeley. The funeral services are this weekend – Saturday specifically – and are down in Southern California. I am flying down tomorrow night; both his dad and mine have offered to buy both of us tickets, and he is stalling and putting off arranging a flight.</p>

<p>I realize that everyone grieves in their own way. My friends are a lot more expressive with their grief than I am, and in many ways I am just the way my boyfriend is about dealing with it. However, I also know that this is the one chance I have to say “goodbye” to her with her family and our friends. I do not want him to miss this opportunity because he feels better ignoring how he feels, no matter how good an idea it may seem at the moment.</p>

<p>I don’t want to force him to fly down if he truly does not want to go, and I want him to grieve in the way that helps him, even if it’s delayed. I just also don’t want him to hide it, repress it, and regret missing the funeral and wake, even if he doesn’t feel comfortable dealing with his feelings about it so soon. I know that he is there for me when it comes around to the “down” time (my mother and I shared this delayed reaction when my grandmother, her mother, passed in 1997), and I know he knows that I am there for him – I am just not sure he will take advantage of it, not sure that he won’t just continue to repress it and hide it because of his self-proclaimed martyr complex and acknowledged role as the “shoulder to cry on” for others.</p>

5

<p>Gosh, honey, this is <em>really</em> tough. I think that perhaps you should urge your bf to go…and tell him why you think he should. Then, if he decides against it, there isn’t much you can do, to be perfectly honest.</p>

<p>I do share your concern, though. As the result of my having a <em>seriously</em> dysfunctional family, I was not notified of my mother’s death by anyone in my immediate family, and I was “banned” from the funeral. Though this was 5+ years ago, I continue to be haunted by the lack of psychological closure, and it is not unusual for me to experience nightmares around my mother’s death. </p>

<p>Even if your bf flies down, he doesn’t HAVE to attend the funeral. But he will have the OPTION of doing so. Perhaps you can appeal to him to come solely as a support for YOU, without pressuring him NOW to attend the funeral. Then, when he’s there, he may see all of his friends and WANT to go, if only to be part of this group that is so precious to him. </p>

<p>I really hope that he does decide to go, for his sake. If not, there is simply no way for you (or anyone) to force him.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

6

<p>My sincerest and heartfelt sympathies to you, berurah, for the terrible way you had to deal with your mother’s passing. That is exactly what I am afraid will happen to my boyfriend, though it would be self-imposed and she is “just” a friend.</p>

<p>Your advice is very helpful (as it so often is on these boards!) and that sounds like a good approach for me to try. Thank you very much.</p>

7

<p>undecided~</p>

<p>I thank you so much for your sympathies…they mean a lot to me. I was very fortunate in that I had sought the services of a life coach even before my mother’s passing in order to deal with the incredible dysfunction in my birth family. I didn’t realize how “out there” my family really was until my life coach, who is also a marrriage/family psychologist, expressed that even she, in all of her dealings with dysfunctional families, had never come across one that did what my family did. :frowning: I was also denied access to her death bed, so again, there are a good many unresolved feelings that I still deal with from time to time, though less frequently than in the beginning.</p>

<p>I think that if your bf decides to go with you to SoCal, it would be a great thing for BOTH of you, even if he ultimately decides that he cannot handle the funeral or wake. At least he will be able to take comfort from being with you, and you can receive the same comfort from him. If he doesn’t, don’t be convinced that there will be huge problems down the line. There may not be. It just may be his own private and personal way of dealing with his grief.</p>

<p>I wish both you and your bf the best with this decision.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

8

<p>I don’t like funerals. I can understand not going all that distance during the school year for one- especially if it is a friend from one’s past, not present. He’s also had very few days to deal with this. Do not be upset with him for not going to this event, do not hold it against him. I can’t blame him for being reluctant to make a long weekend trip for this. It won’t be like the movie, The Big Chill(?). Like I told a childhood neighbor, I don’t do funerals when I can avoid them- and I’m a middle-aged physician. Go easy on him.</p>

9

<p>However, I also know that this is the one chance I have to say “goodbye” to her with her family and our friends. I do not want him to miss this opportunity because he feels better ignoring how he feels, no matter how good an idea it may seem at the moment.</p>

<p>First
I am very saddened to hear of your loss
My heart goes out to you
However- and I say this with experience from being almost 50
this is not the only time that he has to say goodbye
My father for instance- died very suddenly, when I was 17.
The memorial service was meaningless to me.
I didn’t think of, or was asked to speak- I didn’t even really stay the whole time, but wandered off for a while and came back- because I just could not stomach all these old ladies ( friends of my grandmothers) hugging me when I had never seen them before in my life.
I didn’ t even really think about his death, until several months had passed.
I just didn’t feel the need to- I imagine it is a coping mechanism.</p>

<p>A couple years later, a very good friend of mine, also died suddenly. While I did attend his service- which was draining as some members of his family were practically hysterical, it didn’t leave me with any closure.
Its now about 30 year later, and I still feel pain at his death, but I can also still process it, and use that in a positive way or at least I try to.
Sometimes I am just sad.
But we can’t rush someone elses “way”, we don’t grieve the same way, and I think we need to honor, that we each do things differently.
We must honor, others finding their own way.
I think it is more meaningful, myself, to find my own way- perhaps writing a letter to the friend, and planting it with a tree in their honor.</p>

<p>But I really hate, anyone trying to make me respond the way that will make * them* feel comfortable.
I know that you are concerned about your boyfriend, but he may just need his own time line.</p>

10

<p>I like berurah’s ideas in #5. But some people just do not want to attend the funeral of someone to whom they were very close. And it is okay; they do not necessarily live to regret it. Me? I find the funeral very soothing, a wonderful way to remember the person, a way to join with others who love and miss him/her. My husband, though, decided years ago - as a young adult - not to attend his beloved grandmother’s funeral. It was just going to hurt too much. Years later, he still feels that was the right thing for him. </p>

<p>The funeral is <em>your</em> last chance to say good-bye with family and friends. That is important to you, as it would be for me. But it is not <em>his</em> last chance to say good-bye, in his own way. Many of us continue to “say good-bye” (or not good-bye, if you know what I mean) over and over and over again; and it gives us solace. Some just don’t want or need to say a final good-bye.</p>

<p>It is all okay.</p>

11

<p>Sweetie, how did things go this weekend? Update us if you feel like it. I’ve been thinking about you and hoping that you gained some peace and comfort from attending your beloved friend’s funeral. </p>

<p>love, ~berurah</p>

12

<p>Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support, especially you, berurah. </p>

<p>Basically, my boyfriend did end up deciding to go. The service was beautiful, and the reception was touching, and the party her friends held afterward was a great release. </p>

<p>I will post a more detailed version later, but right now I’m emotionally and physically exhausted and need to be prepping for a presentation I have this evening.</p>

13

<p>Awwwwwww, sweetie, I’m really glad that your bf decided to accompany you. I hope that he was able to find some closure in the beautiful service and that you two were able to bring each other some comfort. Take care of yourself, honey, and good luck with your presentation. Post as you find the time/energy. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you…</p>

<p>love, ~berurah</p>