MIL lives in Florida in her own condo which she likes, however, it’s on second floor and she has trouble getting up and down the stairs, BUT, she can still do it. She still drives, she can grocery shop, she can make it to church, she reads some, watches TV. Here’s what she can not do due to her mild schizophrenia. She has no friends. She tolerates acquaintances, and the public for short periods of time, like not even an hour. She has disconnected from local nieces, step sisters. She has limited contact with church members, priest. She reads only the bible, or religious pamphlets, and watches religious TV. She has a horrible diet and is 40 lbs overweight. She walks the indoor mall on occasion for exercise. She will not see a doctor, she does not take any medication, and thinks God is her Doctor and will cure everything. So she has not been seen for anything medical in 55 yrs. She will and has gone to the dentist. She regularly says she wants to come live with her only son, my husband, but in past few years travel to Massachusetts where we live, has proved too taxing to fly alone. And once here, she is spent, and after 3 days looks forward to going home. So we’ve taken to going to her. If my husband goes alone to FL he stays with her, but it’s taxing on him because she is extremely frustrating both in lack of conversation, quick to anger, and depression. Hurricane Irma gave her her latest breakdown. Loss of power for 4 days forced her to go - on her own - to her nieces for AC and to power up her cell phone and she stayed there till my husband could arrive. He flew down that day. Her power was back on in 1 day and she moved back into her condo. Once home there was no more talk of moving to MA. She settled back into life.
So the big question is this: We are faced with a few scenario’s
Reasons to uproot her and move her to our town in her own place.
Move her here permanently so emergencies can be handled easier.
Move her here so that she does not become a burden on local family in FL.
Move her here so that we can easier navigate living arrangements, ie: apartments, assisted living, nursing homes
Reason’s to Leave her in Florida
It’s familiar, and the weather is more conducive to allow for mobility outside her condo.
She is difficult to have a relationship with, so having her that far away allows for us to visit her when we want as opposed to her being able to come by at her will.
She is a Florida resident so we’d have easier time in case of emergency getting her services.
IF we moved her here, I would only agree to having her come for a month in the winter, rent her a furnished apt. and have a trial run of what it would be like to for all parties concerned. Seniors are housebound in the winter, she would not take advantage of senior center. She does not know how to drive in snow, she hates cold, etc. And biggest concern is how much of a drain on our life she would be due to her mental illness.
IF we keep her in Florida, we should consider moving her to a first floor apartment to make life easier on her getting in and out. She currently resides in a 55+ community.
If we keep her in Florida, we would hire a Geriatric Care Company to oversee her health, living conditions, etc. Whether she’ll go along with that is iffy.
If we keep her in FL, we would make it a point to travel to check on her at LEAST 4-6 times per year.
Regardless of where she lives, we need to get P.O.A. and Guardianship which we an do I hope.
How old is she? I would leave her where she is. She seems to be functioning fine. Perhaps she’s not living the way you would, but she seems to be satisfied with her life. Moving someone who is older can be very bad for their state of mind. Moving someone who is older with schizophrenia could be disastrous.
If a short visit is taxing on your husband, how will having her around all the time be any better? Moving into your home won’t prevent a breakdown. It very well might increase them.
I’m probably 20 years younger than your MIL, but my conditions are similar. I’m widowed. I’m overweight. I live in a second story walk-up condo in a warm place. I’m not all that social. A few months ago, I visited my kids in the snow and I broke my shoulder by slipping on ice. Although I would love to live with my kids when I’m older, it will probably not be good for our relationship or my health. If they lived in a cold climate. I probably wouldn’t be able to leave the house much in the winter. I’ve actually lost a lot of weight since I moved from the cold climate a year ago. I’m much happier than I ever was when I lived in MA or other cold climates. It’s not the lifestyle that would appeal to a younger person, but I love it.
Have you met her neighbors? If not go introduce yourself next time and ask if it would be alright to call them to check in on her in case you think there’s a problem of some kind. Give them your number to call.
Ask your MIL if she knows her neighbors.
Does H have siblings? If so, do they now or will they possibly in the future help with their mom?
What are MIL finances? Does she own or rent her condo? Does she get monthly pension or just social security? Is she currently living within her means? Do you know if she has racked up credit card debt?
Will she be open to signing documents for POA ? How about wills, and living will medical directIves?
I am in the midst of this kind of situation myself, and have lots of thoughts to share. If you can give a little more info, I can respond more specifically.
Big Picture answer is to do some research for multiple options in both locations. Find out if there are first floor units for sale at her current condo complex. If not, see if you can get on a waiting list. Also scope out other condo complexes nearby for first floor units.
Is there a condo where she could easily transfer directly into assisted living in the same facility in Florida? A move now with a plan in place for easier transfers later would make life easier for you and H from a distance.
Maybe I didn’t read closely enough, but I am wondering how you move someone who doesn’t want to move. It sounds like she is happy enough in FL. I don’t think you can make her move unless she is declared incompetent and your husband is named her guardian. Otherwise this is not your decision. You could, of course, try to persuade her to do what you want, but she is an adult and is in charge of herself.
I’d consider leaving her in Florida with scheduled assistance. How old is she? You should contact the Elder Services in her community and ask what services are available to her and the cost. Although many seniors balk at Meals on Wheels, it is also a daily safety check (with the exception of weekends in most locals). It is also based on donations, although $10/week is suggested. You could also insist on a daily home health aide (again, more of a safety check). Ask her in what ways she would consider help? Can the HHA help cook meals, provide transportation, do grocery shopping or laundry, maybe supervise her bathing/showering? Consider a Life Alert. I am presently working as a geriatric social worker and my experience is that you MUST engage her in the planning of everything. Do not let her know you are trying to put together a plan, have her be involved from the beginning once you fine-tune what is available and what you think she would need and want. First step: get her into a first floor apartment. Good luck.
This is so difficult. From what you’ve shared, I think she probably stays for now, but you will constantly have to reevaluate. In my experience if there is any sort of dementia involved it becomes almost impossible to deal with elderly parents without someone local, and eventually someone who can be with the parent 24/7.
My mother moved from VA to NH when she and my Dad were in their late 70s. (Dad had a fairly mild case of Alzheimer’s and once he got sobered up, which was actually helped by the move, he was very easy to deal with.) They lived in the same town as my brother. After my Dad died, my mother went downhill and moved in with my brother. (He had a huge house and they renovated a downstairs bedroom for my mother.) DH’s parents lived at home, (MIL insisted as long as she could still talk and no one wanted to move her knowing she would hate it even when she could no longer communicate), with DH’s sister in the same town. It was a HUGE stress for her even when they had people looking after them in the house. After her Mom died, Dad went to assisted living, which was much easier for her.
Yes, along the lines of what gouf78 said, try to set up a system with someone who works there and/or neighbors to keep an eye on your Mother-in-law. My MIL has her neighbors check on her if she doesn’t raise the blinds each day. Your husband could ask neighbors to call him if she doesn’t pick up her mail, or some other sign that something is wrong. As for moving downstairs, great idea if she agrees to it.
We moved my mother near us for some of the same reasons…I have to say…it was VERY hard on her in retrospect…but it had to happen. She lived 900 miles away…and I was actually getting calls from her doctor suggesting she be moved.
Still it was hard…and the issues of social isolation didn’t go away. Neither did her mental health issues.
BUT…the benefit was we were closeby to help,her…and visit…and have her here for dinner or just an afternoon.
How old is your mother? Mine was 75 when we moved her…she died 7 months later…but her health wasn’t terrific to begin with.
When you make the decision, consider where she will be, as far as health and medical function, six months from now, one year from now, two years from now. Is she relatively stable now, or is she deteriorating? How long will she be able to safely live on her own?
I am curious: if she hasn’t been to a doctor in 55 years, how do you know that she is suffering from schizophrenia?
You have my sympathies: it sounds like a difficult situation indeed. I would say, though, that for her the negatives of a move outweigh the positives. I think it would be better to explore the various supports you can find for her–and that she would accept.
How do you move someone if they don’t want to go? At least she is a familiar place. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to force a move on someone like that, the anger and resentment. Are you really going to be able to change any of her issues?
We were in this situation. We had hired folks to help my mom in her place far from here. We had drivers who took her to the doctor, grocery store, hairdresser, etc.
BUT we couldn’t be there everytime she needed help…and she really didn’t have friends…and no relatives nearby.
The move took her out of her familiar place…the issues she had did NOT get better. BUT at least she had us nearby.
The year before we moved her, I spent seven trips of a week or longer duration with her. I was working, and had two HS kids as well.
Really…the choice had to be to move her…and she did go along with it.
BUT again I say…it did not change any of her issues…mental,health or health.
In Tampa the past five years- not very far from Clearwater, btw. Father (mother died decades ago) in WI where rest of family is- he is a solitary, stubborn…couldn’t get him to a senior apartment after his last major fall a couple of years ago. 91 now and he’ll either die at home or be put in a nursing home someday. There is NO WAY any of the three kids could tolerate him more than a day or two. My MIL, on the other hand, is welcome anytime for however long. She’s now in India for a few months- extended family of her deceased H’s there. Her kids, both in the US, do worry but we all know she should enjoy her life as she sees fit, even if she dies doing it.
Florida is designed for seniors. Plenty of services (and activities). From what you state you shouldn’t try to have her live with you. You need a life. Do not try to relocate her for a month or two. It should be fairly easy to check on Pinellas County senior services for her. Until she needs a nursing home (or perhaps assisted living) I would let her live her life as she sees fit. I would also not bring misery upon myself trying to be a good child.
You don’t know what her mental health diagnosis is unless she has recently been evaluated by a physician. Many disorders have similar behaviors. We’ll assume she takes no medications since she won’t see a doctor. Depression seems logical, schizophrenia does not. It sounds like she is able to function so far. I would let things be.
Have no guilt about her and her problems. Do not add having her close by to your problems and workload. A visit every few months works. If you notice deterioration in her hygiene or other signs of doing poorly (not just her current baseline) then moving her to a nursing home/assisted living is in order. Whatever you do, do not let her live with you. My poor aunt had her father come temporarily- he was there for around two decades and I know where my father got his personality from.
This topic came up , oddly with my ex-husband and his mother who lives alone in Florida.
He is one of 6 ( now 5 ) adult children and the one who seems to step up the most when it comes to his parents. It became a dilemma with Irma and her refusal to leave . She was in the high impact area and despite efforts , she wouldn’t budge until spending multiple days without power. I have always assured my mom that no matter what, she will never have to worry about being left in a nursing home. I would sacrifice everything to take care of her and so would my husband. I was a sickly child and she did everything for me while the drs figured out my issues. She didn’t leave me in the lurch, and I wouldn’t do that to her if/ when it comes down to it…
that being said , I realize not all people can do this or would want to , particularly when it comes to spouses who aren’t willing to care for an in-law
We moved my mom to her OWN apartment in a senior building…and pre arranged all sorts of services for her here. There was NO way she could,have lived with us…and she wouldn’t have wanted that at all.
We had sort of hoped that her new building…with lots of senior activities, and services…would help,her. But it didn’t.
TBH, she might have been better off if we had NOT forced that move. But for US, having her nearer was easier than having her far away.
It’s all well and good to leave them doing their own thing with some support in place . . . until the SHTF and it falls in your lap in the least opportune moment possible
At least that is what I have seen with friends/family.
We happened to live pretty close to my MIL, and at times it felt like (and still feels like) it takes a team of people full time to manage everything she needs. She has a terrible condition unfortunately, that went downhill - pretty fast. Prior to that she was the last person on the planet I ever imagined being this dependent.
I can see the draw to Florida for your mom, and for you. But if anything ever deteriorates, and then stalls, you could be making many trips back and forth. And once they get to a certain point it can become extremely difficult to move them, especially from one state to another. We’re struggling to change counties within Florida.
My heart goes out to you - it is not easy and nobody really hands us a manual on how to do all this. My grandparents, with the exception of one who had cancer and lived with my aunt at the end, all passed from home.
In many ways it is easier when there is no decision to make. Nature will eventually force your hand, and then you will have to deal with the available options at the time. You might want to investigate assisted living and nursing homes in both locations so you know what is available on short notice. Investigate grocery delivery services, maid and laundry services, and home health care aides promptly so they can be deployed as necessary. Get the papers executed and check if her license is still current. Discuss end of life care preferences if she has any and get those papers signed too.
Many assisted living places have waiting lists. When my parents moved north my mother had identified an assisted living place she didn’t detest, but there was a long waiting list. By the time they got to the top of the list they were comfortable with the arrangements they had, but it was a couple of years.