@CTTC no worries, we stopped feeling guilty a long time ago. She is really just a drain on our expense, I hate to sound cruel. We long ago looked into letting her live off the Gov’t but felt we could afford to keep her in a condo and fed and pay bills. We bought her car.
We will never feel guilty.
We’ve known for sometime that WTSHTF it’s not going to be pretty.
Seems like it would be nice for you and husband to have a few Florida vacations each year – just make time to head over to the nearby beach when you go to check on MIL. Keep her where she wants to be, and don’t worry about burden on other relatives there. It relieves you and your husband of some of the burden, so it is actually better that way. Imagine them coming up to MA to help if needed – won’t happen.
To all who took the time to post! Thank you so very much. All great ideas of things to get started. I replied with your tag name, but then noticed that I should have used the @ symbol before. Sigh it’s going to be a long haul but this has helped so thanks again.
@bouders @gouf78 @powercropper @NEPatsGirl @thumper1 @“Cardinal Fang”
@thumper1 @wis75 @lje62 @SouthFloridaMom9 @royalcroftmom @mathmom @lookingforward @CTTC
thanks for everything, I’ve tried to answer you all, if I did not, agree with much of what you say
@fullmom, best of luck 
If it gets too much, you can look into a care manager. My friend does this. She had a client stay with her during Irma, with 2 aides. She arranged safe places for every client, and 24/7 aides. She made sure everyone had supplies and food. Generally, she provides the care that a family member would.
I’ve had patients who find living alone tough, and they can’t manage upkeep of their homes, self care, and/or finances. It often takes 2 years for them to realize they need to move into an independent or assisted care facility, whether here in FL or near a family member. Helping people sort thru their possessions and prepare for a move has become an industry. That s the easy part.
Gosh, with a woman as difficult as the one OP describes, a voluntary move will probably be most difficult. Like others have mentioned, it will take some crisis that will send her into a rehab facility. If she breaks a hip, for example, she won’t be able to return home since it is a second floor.
Sounds like OP has vented and gotten some good feedback. I am pondering two more potential trouble spots.
One–is there purpose for a will beyond distributing assets? Is a will needed to secure permission to take possession of body for burial? Or some other legality that might crop up? Does Power of Attorney end when person dies? If so, closing bank account might need further Paperwork like a will? Might ease your mind to doublecheck that with a lawyer friend.
Two–MIL drives a car owned and insured by you and your H? Are you sufficiently covered if she causes major accident/injuries/loss of life due to negligence? In our city, an elderly driver ignored a stopped school bus and hit and killed a young child. Not sure if there was jail time, but lawyer fees and court costs could add up.
Sorry to be morbid and blunt, these situations may be very improbable. But covering every base could add some comfort to this stressful situation.
@fullmom, you might want to take NAMI’s Family to Family class. It’s free and 12 weeks long, for anyone with a family member or friend with mental illness. It’s so helpful! I’m teaching a session right now, and we have several people whose loved ones don’t have official diagnoses but who are obviously ill.
Whether you move her or leave her where she is, I urge you to think about when she should stop driving. The plan should not be “She should drive until she crashes into someone, then stop.” Since the car belongs to you, you can take it away when you think she is no longer safe to drive. I’m speaking up here for innocent people, particularly pedestrians and cyclists, who do not deserve to have their bodies be the impediment to a senior’s continued driving. How would you look the survivors in the eye, if your MIL killed their loved one because she was an unsafe driver?
OP- don’t worry about thanking individuals. When the time comes for assisted living or a nursing home I would do it close to home. You can’t keep tabs on a distant one and some are not good according to the Tampa Bay Times (her local paper). When we get old enough we plan to move near son- wherever he ends up 20 years from now. Assuming we live that long.
@MaineLonghorn we did take this class a number of years ago. It was there that we saw many of her issues spelled out. And it helped us immensely. I LOVE NAMI.
@Cardinal Fang yes you raise very much concerns that we’ve had. So far my husband checks on her driving while he’s visiting. She does not drive much at all. She won’t drive forever, but for now seems capable.