I know there have been a few threads about retiring and relocating - I would like to hear opinions about how to include my mother in our plans. DH and I plan to semi-retire and relocate to the Carolinas or Florida in 5 years or so. The big question mark is my mother - who - if still living - would be 85 at that time. We feel we need to move her with us, given her vision issues - I would not want to leave her behind. But, I think she will be very resistant. I can see her balking at everything from selling her condo - leaving a familiar area, etc. But the reality is that more and more of her friends have died or moved away and she is already very dependent.
My question is whether to start mentioning this now - or just wait. I don’t think I should just spring this on her, but I don’t want her getting all upset now about something that is a few years away. My mother prefers to live in a state of denial - she would prefer to put on a happy face and ignore any problems. My father is 84 and in very poor health - but other than going over a few financial matters - I am having a hard time getting her to envision life after he passes away and what her options will be.
Just wondering if I should stay silent for now and wait, or gradually start to mention the idea of her moving with us.
It is too far away in time and you do not know what you are really going to do yet or if your Dad will be around then or not. The time to start talking about it is when you start seriously pursuing the change. When you have narrowed down when and where you want to go then you can discuss including her in the plans. Of course including her when you discuss possible living areas without stating she has to go with you might ease the way.
Thanks for your opinion. I just don’t want to feel I am being dishonest by withholding these tentative plans from her - even if they are a few years away.
I tend to think that may be too early for the whole discussion. Any number of things can happen in 5 years, including your plans may change. No reason to raise her anxiety until you know for sure what is happening.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t start raising some of the issues now. Maybe you can discuss with her what she would like to do if your dad predeceases her. Discuss finances, end of life issues, wills, etc. now, to at least get that much out of the way. Maybe a couple of years out you can start to discuss if she would like a retirement home, assisted living, her own place, just get a feel for what she is interested in and what is appropriate for her.
You can investigate those type of living situations in the area you want to move to without her knowing until you are ready to talk particulars with her. You can present her 3-4 choices without overwhelming her with needing to do research herself.
Does she know that you are considering moving? If so, the sooner you start talking about her (or them) moving with you, the better. Even if you think your father will/can never move. You don’t have to make it an ultimatum, just mention it as a possibility, or a preference on your part that she of course can decide on when the time comes.
Seniors often don’t deal well with new ideas, especially when they are under stress. If you start talking about it now, and continue to fill in details as your plans develop, it will give her time to get used to the idea.
I wish we had started talking to MIL/FIL years ago about what they would do as they aged. MIL is gone now, and FIL is alone in the house and in need of more help than he wants to accept. He doesn’t think he’ll ever need help, or ever have to live anywhere else. If he had been planning all along for a change, it might have been easier to say “you know that change we have talked about for years? It is time to make it.”
I would share your plans to relocate. At this point, there is no need to discuss relocating her.
We moved my mom near us at age 76 with some cognitive issues. It was really a most difficult move. She left a very familiar environment for a very strange one. It was not a wise move for her even though she had to be closer to us.
In the next five years, you will have a much better idea of what is up with your mom, and whether this move is absolutely needed.
In the meantime, if you plan any extended trips to the new location, you might want to take her along so she can see it too…and you will get a feel for whether it’s her cup of tea.
It is the unspoken agreement that I will care for my mother after my father passes. She has limited vision and does not drive. She is not able to use public transportation independently to grocery shop, etc. She has very poor depth perception and trips over curbs and steps. I think my parents assume DH and I will live in this area - 10 minutes from them - until they both pass away. After all, that’s what they did - living near their own parents and not relocating until after they had all passed away. I can’t see mentioning our plans to move without including how we plan to incorporate her. I do like the idea of taking her on a trip with us once we really decide on an area. Traveling with her is challenging, but that makes sense.
Personally, I would be ok staying in this area until they have both passed away. But DH is older and wants a semi-concrete plan on moving. I don’t think I will be able to convince him to wait beyond his 62nd b-day, which is now our target date - 5 years from now.
If you start the discussion about you moving in five years, it will open the door for discussion.
I don’t think I’d go any further than that at this point. It’s just too far in the future. It’s not like you are doing this in a year or two. It’s five years…and much could change in that time.
In my experience, elders’ priorities can change as their circumstances and needs evolve. While some will hold onto the familiar past the point it is in their best interest, others will assimilate new options. Five years out is pretty abstract, especially for one who is ignoring the handwriting on today’s wall. I wouldn’t sneak around, but wouldn’t feel any urgency either. In context, might state that you and DH were starting to kick around possibilities for retirement and one thing you look forward to is continuing to be nearby to them. Down the road, being as inclusive as health allows could make sense.
My parents moved 3 hours away from an area they had lived in their entire lives to be nearer to my family when AL was required. Best move we could have done and it worked for all of us. They realized that even if they moved down the road, AL would be a fresh start with new connections. Five years earlier, getting them closer hadn’t occurred to any of us.
I did make a point of sharing all “success” stories of other elders in great care places as I heard them, trying to set the stage for later decisions. All the best to your family.
Have you considered assisted living for her/them, near your new home? Planning on assuming the complete care of an elderly person with visual loss would basically mean having her live with you and providing 24/7 care - which could become very burdensome as she experiences cognitive decline as well as new medical problems. Many good quality assisted living facilities have waiting lists several years long, so it would be wise to begin planning 5 years ahead.
Thinking 5 years ahead, will she qualify for a nursing home, if needed, on Medicaid? Has she has transferred any assets within those 5 years? If so, likely you would be responsible for the 600 dollars a day a nursing home costs (insurance does not cover and an accident or injury could easily mandate discharge there). All transferred assets for the previous 5 years must be repaid to Medicaid. This includes all charitable contributions and gifts. Consider meeting with an elder care attorney to review these matters and possibly set up a trust.
An elderly parent is a potentially huge financial and personal responsibility. I just went through it and needed more help than I could have imagined.
My H and I are planning a move too, in @ 2 years. My youngest will be finished with his junior year of college and we only have to worry about his senior year as far as getting him a plane ticket to come to our new home on break as opposed to hopping in the car. We’ll figure it out as far as storing things for him…my mil lives near us, but thankfully her daughter (who also lives nearby) doesn’t plan to move and will stay here to take care of her. She has always been very ‘young’ and active, but this past summer she had a major car accident, which triggered a quick turn of events in terms of signs of early stages of Alzheimer’s getting much worse. Everyone around us knows that we are planning a move, EXCEPT my mil. No reason to agitate her about something happening in the future. She would concentrate on nothing else, but our move and we don’t want to burden her with that now. So I agree it’s best to do all the research you want for her and give her choices eventually, but just telling her now would agitate her and make her think of nothing else!
Lots to think about. DH and I are trying to break this down into “bite sized chunks” - my favorite approach to a seemingly overwhelming task - with the plan for the next 2-3 years being to fix up and then sell our house - while making a few trips to various areas we are considering. We would then rent in current location while finalizing our move - perhaps building a new home.
We are willing to have her live with us, at least initially, but you are all right that it is so hard to project what her needs might be at 85. So, it makes sense to look at assisted living for her wherever we look for ourselves.