What a family “should” do and actually does is always an interesting discussion.( Especially when your kid excels in a type of music which is a bit beyond the understanding of most of the family. )
Many of us have just learned to smile and nod. And not take off putting comments seriously. It’s Uncle Bob, not the general director of the Metropolitan Opera. Some things are just beyond the families comprehension and no matter how good your musician kid is ----for some it will always be “just showing off.”
It seems like a strange comment, especially from a GF, who might be wanting to ingratiate herself with the extended family. Has she said things like this in the past? Perhaps she just didn’t express herself well and didn’t mean to be rude? (Trying to be generous here.)
In “olden times” families and guests often retired to the salon after dinner where the young ladies and gentlemen played the piano or other instruments and even sang for entertainment. Now what do we do? Watch sports?
I predict this woman will soon be your BIL’s EX-girlfriend.
I m always captived by someone playing the piano…having that in the background after a lovely faimly dinner (or to be able to listen to it while cleaning up) would be a treat.
While I understand the arguement about sensitive family feelings this GF is not family! I think her statement was incredibly rude after being lucky enough to be included in a family gathering!
I had the same thought as xaniamom - in olden times, it was the norm for someone to play the piano or otherwise produce music at social gatherings. Weren’t young women taught to play the piano so that they could do this? It’s a sad comment if live music is no longer considered appropriate for a gathering. I think that the GF’s comment is bizarre. Of course, there are many kinds of talents and skills. But a performing art is different than a talent for math. I love to hear anyone perform, especially young people. The reason I am on facebook is to see the pictures and videos of babies and children of relatives who live far away. One of my cousins, who was very dear to me, died of breast cancer in her 30’s. I now see videos of her grandchildren (a dancer and a singer, both very talented), and I love seeing her in their faces. I have a large extended family and I love it when people post videos. It’s a substitute (not a great substitute, but better than nothing) for actually attending the performances.
Years ago, I was friendly with a woman whose husband was an opera singer. They had a party and many of the guests were opera singers, mostly semi-professional. They took turns singing, and it was wonderful. Then one of them, wanting to be inclusive, made a suggestion that all the guests join in. I wasn’t the only one who was horrified at the prospect!
Sad here for those whose families don’t appreciate music, as well as cheering on any endeavor in the younger folks. Musica, your D can come to my house and sing any time she likes. But I totally understand regarding many not appreciating the form.
My family of origin is musical, and hearing what someone is practicing or working on is just part of what we do together, whether the 4 year old creaking out her first twinkle on the violin, or my twins or niece working on far more complicated pieces. Not that we had many family gatherings, but early playing for friends and family becomes money making experiences in HS and beyond, and leads to comfort with performance.
But yes, for the non musical, the less creative, it may seem odd, just as sports on TV in the background sends me around the bend.
Before electronics, before radio, a mere 100 years ago, people entertained each other with poetry, music, and the arts. This is still valid, despite much of the population now taking their entertainment via various screens. In my social group, people play guitars, mandolins, fiddles and we sing. I can’t imagine a better way to spend an evening.
To add to my earlier post…
My daughter who is a professional performer is engaged to be married…I am quite certain that she and many of her performer friends will end up performing at some point at the wedding party…in fact, the venue she is considering has a piano which she sees as a plus!
hey @soozievt congrats! We are in the planning stages of a musician wedding as well! (Singer and Conductor) The music portion of the celebration promises to be fabulous.
Lol, atomom. Actually GF has usually seemed very nice, and willing to be involved with the family and with raising BIL’s kids, which are a handful. I guess that’s part of the reason that it seems like such a strange thing to say.
^I have loved weddings or other events where people in the wedding party or family members performed. Come to think of it, this particular BIL has sung at a couple of baptisms/funerals/etc. Before this GF, I guess, though.
The girlfriend’s comments are sad, but not totally surprising. First of all, she is probably jealous as hell that someone has a talent she doesn’t have (when anyone says something like ‘the only reason people listen to that is to be polite’, I always think of someone eating something, ya have one portion, it is polite, 2 or more, you like it:)…if people sit around and listen of their own accord, it is because they like it.
As the parent of a music student, there is an awkwardness with family, some of which I can sort of understand, the other is generally people being catty. In some families, you have the parents where everything the kid does is gold, and with music, they are trotting out their ‘prodigy’ at every gathering of anyone, looking for approbation for their genius kid and so forth. These are the same kids if they are any good, the parents have them playing at local venues, touting some little 9 year old as a ‘prodigy’, with this whole bio that talks about how they made their Carnegie Hall debut at 9 (ie some music school rented out the main stage, or some cultural association held a competition, not exactly playing with the NY Phil)…and people get sensitized to that, and then if a kid genuinely wants to play for them, they assume it is the pushy parent/obnoxious kid syndrome.
With our son, we almost never asked him to play for others, if he felt he wanted to that would be fine, but some kids simply don’t want to, are shy about it and so forth. Not about performing, but when among people they knew, not wanting to be seen as different or whatnot, and I can understand that. There were times when my son was asked to perform at school (this was grade school, probably he was 8, 9 years old) when they had the school music performances, and i had some jerk of a parent make a comment like “what, did you force him at gunpoint when he was in diapers to start playing?” (this for a kid who loves to perform, is natural on stage and such, big grin on his face, and two of the most laid back parents you could imagine). Some people assume it is showing off, and especially if they feel it is showing off to ‘show up’ their kids, they can be nasty , which is sad. Funny part is, the same parents who are like that, also brag about their own kids, especially if they are athletic, so it is definitely a one way street…
People are right, before recorded music and radio, this kind of music was considered a gift, family members who could play would be asked to play and people enjoyed it, many a family had their own little performing ensemble and such, whether it was fiddling, jazz or classical music. The really sad part is that people somehow think of music as being snooty or snobby and that proficiency in it means snobbery assumed,rather than as a gift to be enjoyed. There is a big difference between the parents who want to trumpet everything their kid does as genius, and another from enioying the skills of someone playing for the fun of it.
I’m quite happy to hear my 2 cousins play piano, and the little ones sing or dance. I think it strange this gf would find it offensive. My sons skills didn’t lie in this area, but so what? I also like going to recitals and plays, where relatives and friends’ kids perform.
My GM was a great audience. I also danced in the Philadelphia Nutcracker many years. My parents were fans.
I,lost editing when fixing dinner. Darn, meant to add that no relatives, but parents, attended the nutcracker.
28--Well, in that case, if the gf is usually polite and you like her otherwise, I would assume that she didn't express herself correctly or maybe you interpreted her point in a way she hadn't intended. Or there is some previous experience she had with living room performances in her own family that you don't know about.
Was she saying that “Isn’t it nice that everyone goes in to listen to him play, to make your son feel special, because everyone likes to feel special/appreciated for his/her talents, whatever they are.” Or did she mean, “His playing is so terrible that I’d rather wash dishes than listen to it–everyone else is just going in to humor the untalented kid, so he can feel ‘special.’”
I love traditional “parlor entertainment”–I will smile and clap for any effort no matter how far from professional it is. I don’t like it when parents try to force an unwilling or shy kid to perform, but if the kid is willing, even if he/she is way off key, I am happy to hear it.
I guess I would hope that’s what she meant to say, even if it didn’t come out sounding quite like that! She didn’t say it in a mean tone.
Kind of hard not to hear it in the kitchen, as the piano is in the room next door, but no one thinks S is untalented, except maybe virtuosos. To my knowledge she is not one.
GF’s comments were rude, no doubt about it. I say - if grandparents (or other family members) have requested to hear your child perform, and your child is comfortable doing so - then who cares what anyone else thinks?
You said the GF helped raise BILs kids, who are a handful. Maybe she has heard from them, and from BIL, that they are tired of hearing your son praised for his musical accomplishments. It hurts, but families can be that way. If one kid is always being praised, others will resent it.
That doesn’t mean your son is a spoiled show-off, but it may be a hint that you need to find ways to publicly (at least publicly within the family) recognize the other cousins.
This isn’t about the music. It’s about unequal attention to the grandkids. No matter how talented your son is, you all need make sure the other family members don’t feel left out, or don’t feel your son is hogging the spotlight.
GF may have done you a favor by alerting you to this situation. Other ILS were too polite.
That’s interesting, MomofJandL. Maybe the solution is for OP to draw the cousins out in group conversation to give them an opportunity to brag about what they are up to. It doesn’t mean the son has to stop playing; it may be that the cousins need a bit more attention. Maybe the grandma has been prattling on abt your son’s talent (for good reason) and the cousins felt left out.
My MIL was a very polite sort with lots of interesting friends. Over the years, all sorts of after-dinner attendance was expected of us- from hours of someone’s travelogue, to hours of someone’s mushroom slides, to baby this and that, parlor games, and yes music. It’s nice when someone has a talent and is willing. But I do think it’s important to realize that just because “most” went to listen doesn’t mean all wanted to. Sometimes, it’s good to offer the others an option and the freedom to choose otherwise.
The mushroom slides were very interesting, the guy was an expert. But family routines can turn into obligations. Just be sensitive to it and things should be fine.