Musician kids performing for family and friends

Parent Cafe
1

S has become a decent piano player and plays a number of lovely pieces. After Sunday dinners at the in-laws he will sometimes play and whoever is about gathers to listen or listens as they clean up. This weekend, some of the out-of-town SIL/BIL’s were here and wanted him to play. Most of the 20 persons in attendance last night found spots in the family room. I was cleaning up in the kitchen with BIL’s GF when she said she thought “people only go in to hear him to make him feel special” and that everyone has things they are good at that we have to fuss over to make them feel special.

I thought this was a really strange comment to make to HIS MOTHER. H didn’t agree with her characterization when I mentioned it to him, but we’re the parents and understandably not neutral. S would NEVER want to play if he thought for a moment that such a thing were true.

Do your kids perform for family and friends? Do you have nieces, nephews, etc. who perform? Do you consider it an obligation to indulge them so as to make them feel “special”?

2

Well, this is something that has to be handled carefully, especially if there are kids in the extended family who don’t have a talent that can be displayed in this way.

3

I agree with @Hunt . It doesn’t matter how talented a kid is, performing for family and friends can be an emotional mine field.

4

I agree, that was a WEIRD thing for a girlfriend to say to you. Even if it was true (which I’m not saying it is), why say it to you? Is she trying to stir the pot?

5

Your brother-in-law’s girlfriend is being ridiculous. One of the great joys in life is sitting around a piano or guitar hearing family members play or sing. I love hearing my nieces, nephews, cousins’ kids, my daughter’s friends, my friends’ kids, etc.,perform. And hearing the grown ups perform, too.

I’m a little biased because my daughter is a song writer; but people beg her to play her songs and it really does contribute to a warm and lovely atmosphere to have warm, live music.

Really, at any party, I love, love, love when people bring out the guitars or gather around the piano and start to play and sing. Seriously, who complains about music? I was always taught that the person with musical talent brings something valuable to any gathering!

PS The people I’m talking about aren’t particularly talented; the performances truly are amateur level for warm, close family and friends. More spontaneous music-making than performances to be admired.

6

" Do your kids perform for family and friends? Do you have nieces, nephews, etc. who perform? Do you consider it an obligation to indulge them so as to make them feel “special”? "

Most of us pretty much ignore if my nephew sits down at the piano at a large family gathering. No one stops what they are doing. And he has played at Lincoln Center among other things, and playing and composing music is his career.

That being stated, the comment was really rude to say to you, and I hope your view of that person is adjusted appropriately.

However, in the situation you list, where he was asked to play by a specific subset of people, no issue there and it was nice most people stayed to listen. There is nothing wrong with being polite enough to listen or wanting to make him feel special, and there is nothing wrong to go and continue cleaning up. And there is nothing wrong with actually being impressed with the play of a relative.

My son plays another instrument, and I know that it would be presumptuous if he “happened to bring it” and “happened to play it for the family”. On very rare occasions, he and my other kids have been asked (told) to bring their instrument to play for grandma only, at her house and not on a special occasion other than she lives too far away to attend a concert (we may drive her up to my oldest’s college if he has a concert there).

(I would never play, or encourage my children to play in front of many others at a family gathering. But that is just me. My nephew has experience playing in front of small and large crowds (as does his father), so he likely feels different.)

7

“Seriously, who complains about music?” Oh you would be surprised. My D is a professional singer. With close friends who are also musicians the evening always comes alive with music. And certainly you would think that “if it’s good enough for LA Opera, it’s good enough for the SIL’s living room.” But no. It’s not. Not everyone is wired the same and frequently our enthusiasm for our kids talent blinds us to this.

In short—though we also taught our D that talent brings something special to a gathering. We also taught her not to" cast pearls before swine".

That being said…yes that crack the girlfriend made was down right creepy.

8

My daughter plays the piano horribly, and I can barely pound out a tune any more - but my sister plays really well. As a child she would sometimes be asked (forced?) to play for the family and she hated it. Not everyone liked to hear her play, there was often grumbling and complaining (from the other listeners), and after a few perfunctory songs she’d stop playing. As others have said, not all people are wired the same and not all family dynamics are equal.

That being said - I find BIL’s girlfriend’s comments to be weird! Who says stuff like that to the mother of the pianist?!

9

There is a difference between playing for everyone’s pleasure and enjoyment vs forced playing to show off your kids talent.

I have a problem with parents who parade their young kid out for more than 2 songs. Enough already.

However, to have a young adult sit down and play some awesome music for anyone who wants to hear while people go about their business or come in to enjoy it I say "Hear! Hear!

Usually a mean comment tells you more about the insecurities of the person who made the comment.

Play On!

10

Wow, musicamusica, that’s shocking to me that people would not be dying to hear a professional opera singer perform. I would think that people would be shy about asking her to perform because they wouldn’t want to impose but I can’t believe that her talent wouldn’t be welcome at any gathering!

11

@nottelling Two words: family dynamics.

12

The GF has horrible manners

I love my nieces and nephews and have sat through all sorts of “entertainment” to be supportive. Gallery showings with sculptures with raw meat, low quality ice dancing, lacrosse games, piano recitals, etc.

I suppose the context of how and when the impromptu performance occurs indicates whether it is an entertaining family activity or just another opportunity for XYZ to show off while everyone politely listens.

13

Family dynamics can be weird. For example, you can play whatever music you want for my mother, and if it’s not a song (preferably a hymn) that she recognizes, she won’t be impressed, and will show that she isn’t. Once, I called my mother to tell her that my daughter sang in church. “What did she sing?” she asked. I told her. Her response was, “I don’t like that song.” That was it.

14

@Hunt - are you my sibling? :slight_smile:

15

My son is an accomplished jazz clarinetist. Listening to him play is one of my mother’s great joys. He plays for her privately often, but sometimes others will be around. I think the GF was rude and obnoxious.

My entire extended family is going to be a captive audience for my son next hear because he is playing his sister down the aisle at her wedding. At her request.

16

I think that person’s comment was rude, rude, rude!

When my kids were very little, grandparents would want to hear them play piano, etc. for them. Still little, I recall a few times the grandparents asked my D to sing for their friends who got a kick out of that. Still, that was when they were kids and for grandparents mostly.

For my Dad’s 70th birthday surprise party and for my parents’ 50th anniversary party, my parents asked my girls to write lyrics to a song and perform at the parties and they choreographed and performed at the parties. They were kids at the time but both were quite involved in theater, music, and dance.

Fast forward a bit…when my Mom died and my youngest daughter was a senior in college majoring in musical theater, she wanted to sing at the funeral but my brothers said no.

My thoughts…family should be supportive of “performances” among family. They are family, after all. I know I would be happy to hear nieces and nephews perform. (actually, come to think of it, my nephew performed at his college graduation party that his parents hosted…with his band).

HOWEVER…in my observations, having one daughter who is a professional performer now, it is the kind of career that is “out there”…noticeable, observable, has an audience, in the press, etc. It is not any more important or more accomplished than the others in their generation who are doing great things in their respective fields and interest areas. But I think by its nature, it can garner more attention. So, those whose kids are not doing an “out there” sort of thing, may come to not take as kindly to it. I don’t know. Another thing, among family, there are all sorts of feelings that can be under the surface. My two kids are quite accomplished in their respective fields and I think that while aunts/uncles may support them, there is something underlying if they feel that their kids have not achieved as much (yet, anyway). It’s family! It goes with the territory!

17

My oldest played for family and friends. She performed a lot and had a number of friends who did as well. A classmate not only did this but left school at a young age to become a professional jazz musician.

My bottom line on this is that playing for people is part of life, part of family and friends and anyone who doesn’t want to listen can leave the room. This is true even no matter how good the performer.

18

I have firends whose 3 kids were all talented musicians, all professional/preprofessional level. As they also had lots of talented friends, they would periodically host musical evenings where various guests would play/sing/recite poetry. Everyone brought a dessert. Lovely…

19

That is just a strange and rude comment.
My extended family is heavily involved in music- singing, instruments, you name it. I love listening to them and am genuinely captivated. I’d probably at least clap politely for a song or two even if I wasn’t (beyond that, I’d just ignore it.)

As others have said, it’s much different when an adult or near-adult sits down and plays of his/her volition (assuming it’s not an ear sore!) On the other hand, I despise when parents force their kids to perform in front of family/friends… especially when they clearly hate it. Even if that case though, I probably wouldn’t make a comment.

GF sounds a bit unhinged.

20

The vast majority – the vast, vast majority – of singers or musicians --even very accomplished, talented performers – do not become professionals.

The whole point of all of this music training that we are collectively providing for our children is to help them develop skills that will contribute to their own pleasure and the private pleasure of their family and friends.

It is an extreme fluke when someone is actually talented enough to make it as a pro.

It would very depressing indeed if mutual performances for family and friends were to become off limits since that is the milieu that 99.999% of our children are training for!

(And if you are actually lucky enough to have someone in your extended family who is talented enough to make it as a pro, that should be celebrated by everyone!)