Let me start out by saying that I’ve done everything right when it comes to electronics…i’m not bragging…i’m just stating facts. We had no TV at all for the first 10 years of our kids’ lives (though we loved going to movies), we played lots of card games, we had strict rules on no electronics upstairs at night, no computers in bedrooms, no video game consoles…we were the house that all of the other parents wanted their kids to visit…because we went out and actually did things.
Which is background so you’ll understand why i’m over-the-moon frustrated with the current situation.
The first step (and i’ve seen a big difference in schools just between what my high school senior has experienced vs. my high school sophomore…a world of difference as far as moving away from books at school, etc) was the majority of homework went from being paper-based to screen-based. Whereas in the past, I’d tell my son, “get your homework done first” and he’d go to the kitchen table, now he goes right to the computer when he hits the back door (“mom, do you not want me to do my homework?”) So the screen time starts right away (and he’s like all humans in that he’s doing some homework and some messing around). Then the phone. Oy. He had a regular cell phone that simply made calls…but at Christmas, he received a low-end smart phone. Which is basically a computer that walks around with him all day…he snapchats, he watches videos, he plays games…its endless.
And it’s become a background noise to everything…when we have family movie night at the house, he has his phone in his lap and is watching it while he watches the movie. To get around the no-electronics-upstairs rule, he stays up much later than he used to so he can keep using the phone. When we drive to school, he’s checking his phone non-stop (what could possibly be happening at 7:30 in the morning?")
Anyway, ugh. It’s become a real source of tension…and it happened so quickly! i still have rules in place…no phone at dinner…no phone when eating out…no phone when family friends are visiting…but that still leaves 85% of his day as total phone. And the schools have given up too…When he doesn’t have his phone, he’s frustrated, at loose ends, paces around…
okay, i’ll stop my rant here but would love advice. And i don’t want the advice to be, 'get used to it. it’s the future."
Part of it I think you just have to get past. You have to decide what is “more harm than good”. Be concerned if he can’t leave it alone while driving. Be concerned if he can’t do a portion of homework without being distracted. Family movie watching is free time so hard to put a limit there - cause, what harm is it doing other than annoying you?
You can say no phone at dinnertime. Or while in church. Or other chosen times that are realistic.
Also, realize there is PLENTY going on at 7:30am! Ask him what’s he’s catching up on (in an non-threatening way - just a “I’m Curious” way). At 6:45 am my son is checking not only FB, but Twitter for news, ESPN for sports, email for school/job notices, Instagram for super quick pleasing visuals, etc. It’s not all Snapchat.
Good job limiting screen time early on. That was good for him. Homework is going the way of screens and there is not much we can do about it - so is much of the work world!
In all seriousness, if he’s doing what he is supposed to do, i.e., studying, participating in activities, etc., is it a problem? It’s how kids communicate today. (And many parents too!)
My Ds phone is so many things to her at different times- newspaper, research material, book, TV, texting , music, the thing it is used rarely for is a phone
Anyway I figure If she were walking around with a book or a newspaper or sitting at the desktop computer separately it wouldn’t look so bad it is because she uses it for so many different things that it seems obsessive.
Is he doing poorly in school? Is he just doing time wasting things on it?
What does he think ?-I wonder if the two of you could come up with some kind of compromise that would work for both of you.
My 13yo is addicted to her phone too. H got it for her when we all got smartphones.
We have some groundrules - no electronics at meals, no looking at your phone one hour before bedtime ( because of sleep) but she is allowed to listen to music - often falls asleep with headphones on.
It doesn’t bother me that much anymore because her grades are high, she is careful and responsible, etc.
I try to find educational games/apps so that at least some of her phone time achieves something.
Probably no stopping it. Kudos for dinner time limit. I was amazed to sit behind a 16-year-old at church on Sunday who did not have one. It was great. But so unusual.
yeah, i hear you…okay, here’s the crazy ironic part…I work in technology and content…i’ve been involved in start-ups since the late 90s…my life has been gadgets and getting people to consume content on them…
In any case, i’ve heard from friends as well, “it can’t be stopped so better to accept it and not cause tensions.” But okay, let me tell you guys one more story. 8 months ago, i drove a carload of my son’s friends back from a big debate tournament…it was one hour of (fun) bedlam…the radio blasting (and fighting over what to listen to)…hilarious laughing over mess-ups during the tournaments. Two weekends ago, I drove the same 6 boys home…quiet in the car this time…all 6 of them texting…when they wanted to listen to music, they put on their headphones and chose their own music. It was sad. I’m not kidding.
It is really sad but you really can’t blame them. Just look around at the adults in stores and restaurants. No one is talking they are all on their cell phones. I sometimes wish they hadn’t been invented. I do remember when my 20 year old got his first phone in 8th grade. I got the phone bill and we had unlimited txting but it said he had made over 4,000 txts the first month. I got on the phone to the cell phone company . I was sure it was a mistake. She said no that was about right for teenage boys…
Just because YOU are sad about this cultural shift doesn’t mean that your son or his friends are sad. In fact, they may feel more connected to the world around them – and the people in their world – than we ever did at that age.
My mom used to wring her hands because I spent my childhood and adolescence with my nose in a book at all times. Really, if you think about it, that truly did pose a bigger problem with respect to engagement with the world than constant electronic communication poses. I tend to think I turned out okay.
Your son sounds like he is doing just fine. And, be careful if imposing your own fantasy of what you would like your son’s personality to be, as opposed to who he has turned out to be. In my case, I know my mom would have preferred me to be the outgoing cheerleader type rather than the bookish type I turned out to be, and that fantasy of whom she wished I was drove a lot of her frustration over my constant nose-in-a-book.
It sounds like you did everything right. I don’t know, may be cell phones emit some kind of pulse that trigger this type of behavior in people(did you read Stephen King’s “Cell”?) Seriously, I’m with you, how much could be happening at 7:30 in the morning? My son spends a lot of time on his computer. We got used to that when he went to virtual school for a year. Before that he was monitored, now, not so much. He just got his first cell phone today, me too by-the-way(he’ll need it at college, you see). I don’t know what to tell you except fads come and they go. Maybe in ten years cell phones will be so uncool.
I know you think you did everything right, but did you ever consider that by making electronics forbidden fruit for so long, you made that world much more appealing once the restrictions came off? The person I know who is the biggest TV addict didn’t have a set in his house the entire time he was growing up. Years ago the nannies in our area who came from the most restrictive Mormon households were the ones who went the most nuts with their new-found freedom when they came east. Just sayin’. Moderation in all things and all that. But if this really bothers you so much, (and it would bother me, too), there’s absolutely no reason why a 16 year old needs to have a smart phone. I think it’s a bad idea, period.
I hear you @MommaJ but to be honest, his friends who were allowed full technology since babyhood are even more addicted than him. LOL. But i agree with you on the smart phone…i didn’t understand what i had done until it was too late.
My 15.5 yo uses her cell phone for everything BUT talking. The only people she ever calls are me and her dad. At 7 a.m. she listens to music while eating/dressing, and on the way to school sometimes she is checking on something about an assignment or class project with a classmate. Usually that’s our “talk time” and we enjoy it. At school they use their phones, with teacher permission to look things up, as calculators, or as prompts when they’re presenting something and don’t want to open their laptops. At home it’s the way she and her friends communicate.
As for the forbidden fruit, I’ll bet MommaJ is onto something. My ex had very strict rules about food, TV, the kids’ room upkeep, clothes, you name it. When the kids were with me they would clamor for junk food, TV, choosing their own clothes, putting what THEY wanted WHERE they wanted it in their rooms. I went with moderation-my ex never did get a clue as to why they wanted all that “bad” stuff.
I strongly disagree with those who say that he shouldn’t have been provided with a smart phone or that his data plan should be cut off. Texting is one of the PRIMARY way kids communicate these days (with limited exceptions in particular communities only). Cutting off texting would cut him off from a vital means of communication. It would be as if, in our day, a teenager was not permitted to use any phone because the parents preferred their kids to communicate by letter. In fact, I think cutting off texting would be an even greater social impediment now than cutting off all access to a telephone would have been in our day. It is a standard means of communicating. Kids are in constant touch with each other these days, which I actually believe contributes to deeper relationships in many ways. If you have no reason to be concerned with the content of his communications, I really don’t understand the concern.
I totally agree that he should not be permitted to text or otherwise access the phone during meals or face to face social time with you or other folks of the parent generation. But I don’t think it was a mistake to provide him with a phone with texting capabilities.
