My 2nd short essay

<p>Is this essay okay for short answer #2? Please tell me if it will work and if there are any grammar mistakes (I haven't had a teacher proofread it so I really need critical proofreading please!). Thanks!</p>

<p>When I walked into my first physics class in the August of my junior year, I was greeted by a smiling teacher. “PIF,” she told me. I found a seat, wondering what in the world that was supposed to mean, and waited for the class to begin. When everyone had arrived, my teacher said nothing but, instead, pulled out a dusty cassette player and pushed “play.” The song that I heard was unlike any other I had heard in my life; it was the Physics is Fun or PIF song. I knew right away that I was going to like that class.
As time wore on, I became fascinated with physics. Physics allows us to look at the tiniest particle and see how it plays a role in the vastness of the universe. Recently, I read the report Quantum Physics written by a committee chaired by Persis Drell from the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center. The report said that all of the ordinary “stuff” known to us makes up only about five percent of the universe. When I read this, my heart filled up with excitement; there is still so much more to be discovered! I know with every part of my being that I want to be a part of that quest for knowledge.
The universe is like a giant jigsaw puzzle, and the pieces are just now beginning to fit together. I hope that someday I will be able to look at that puzzle and see the picture it creates. In my college years and beyond, I will strive constantly to achieve this goal. After all, physics is fun! PIF!</p>

<p>Very cute! I like the style and it has a really good personal touch to it!</p>

<p>I like the style and I think it's a cute response as well, but I think it could be even more compelling. WHAT EXACTLY about physics is so fun and interesting? And why? You could turn it in as is and it'd be fine. But if you really love physics, then the essay should make even someone who's usually not into science think that physics is really interesting, or some aspect of it is interesting. WHY do you like physics? What are some of the more interesting parts of physics? Using the report sounds a bit like name dropping. Maybe just talk about the report and show that you actually understand a good deal of quantum mechanics or something, but make sure a reasonably intelligent person who never studied much physics can understand what you wrote. Good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks! The biggest problem I'm running into is keeping it under the character limit, which is 1500 characters. There is a lot more I would like to add, but I simply cannot fit it. I'm not trying to add a name when I talk about the report. I really did become really interested in it when I read it. I didn't even know that the person was from Stanford when I read it! But now that you've said that I see what you mean. Should I take out the name of the person who chaired the committe?</p>

<p>I think that if you mention it, you should really discuss it. Maybe make that the idea you find interesting... and just talk about the report? Yeah, making it short is hard. Just make it say what you want to say, make sure you come off as intellectually curious (assuming you are...), and then cut it down from there. That's what I did for the other two essays and it worked out pretty well. My note to my roommate was actually originally my extended essay... Feel free to post new ideas, formats, or drafts. Your #1 concern should be showing that you really do find a certain topic really interesting, and ideally writing in such a way that the reader will be interested too. And I'm still working on that part...</p>

<p>vey good essay, has a personal touch, and mentions something about stanford!</p>