<p>“Also, do we just want people to agree all the time? If so, just say, I only want people who feel the same way to respond”</p>
<p>I surely don’t. This would be a boring site if we all agreed with each other, and we never had another point of view. May as well just talk in front of the mirror.</p>
<p>“I’m not trying to belittle but to put this in perspective. I am just amazed at how much we worry over what for past generations would have been something parents were not even aware of”</p>
<p>On the other hand, past generations were spending plenty of time worrying about their own problems. In many families, children were purely an afterthought, and they did not pay attention to those issues. Don’t know whether or not it’s right that earlier generations were more concerned with self, and our generation is more concerned with our children.</p>
<p>I can tell you, that people who have the normal social children who are surrounded by friends, may not know one second of the pain and worry that parents have with loner or anti-social children. The things that you take for granted are issues that can torment other parents. Most people have no idea. The fact that my formerly non-social kid is now having to decide between picking what social event he wants to go to is a total source of joy to me.</p>
<p>Depending on the person, not celebrating one’s own birthday isn’t always something worth being sad about. However, if he is the type and has expressed sadness, maybe a birthday card or a care package of some kind would be a good gesture. </p>
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<p>Not only that, but not everyone…including girls/women necessarily wants those types of friends for various reasons. </p>
<p>In my extended family, sharing all of your emotional thoughts was widely frowned upon including from the aunts…especially if it is of a negative nature. </p>
<p>An older female HS classmate who is a more extreme ENTJ than myself feel such sharing of all emotional thoughts is TMI and if it consists of mostly negative emotions/complaints…regards it as “whining” and a “huge waste of time”. She’s even cited this as one reason why she doesn’t have many female friends and prefers hanging out with males fitting the standard stereotypes. </p>
<p>While I’m not as extreme and try to have some empathy for friends who need someone to talk to, I’m not exactly a “therapist type” who can listen to someone go on for hours about all the negative emotions/problems in their life. </p>
<p>If someone has a lot of negative emotions/problems which need lengthy talking out with a sympathetic ear, I tend to refer them to an ESFJ friend who’s a natural at being a therapeutic sympathetic ear.</p>
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<p>Who’s to say that being social and surrounded by friends all of the time is “normal” for everyone? Some folks don’t really care to socialize…especially in large groups or prefer being alone. </p>
<p>Although I prefer being around people, I know enough introverts and respect them enough to realize that one cannot use traits favoring extrovert traits as the standard of “normal”.</p>
<p>This discussion reminds me of a conversation between my mother and grandmother the last year they were both living. My mother was 65, her mother was 87. My mother was a diabetic and was eating something out of Grandma’s fridge. She said, “June, are you SUPPOSED to eat that?” My mother actually rolled her eyes and said, “Mother, I am 65. I think I know what I can eat, thank you.”</p>
<p>The point is t6hat we NEVER get over worrying about our kids. I know-my older ones are 27 and 22 and I still worry. That’s different, though, from trying to manage their lives at 22, 27 or 32. </p>
<p>My D has a ton of friends and always has somewhere to go and something to do. My S, the 27 yo is content with a nice beer, a good movie or video game and the occasional excursion on his boat. Sometimes he goes solo, sometimes with his sister, sometimes with friends. But he’s often alone and did nothing at all on his birthday. He didn’t even want a cake because he wasn’t sure whether he’d be in town long enough to eat all of it (he sometimes travels). </p>
<p>Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and he’d have been mortified if I’d fretted at him about being alone. I know him enough to know he’s FINE with it. Will I always have enough sense to keep my mouth shut? Probably not. But I remember my mother and grandmother and I do try.</p>
<p>Bronnie Ware is female, if that’s the author you were referring to. Not that it really matters, but I’m reading her book now so I thought I’d mention it. </p>
<p>As for the OP, I wouldn’t read too much into, but you obviously know your son better than we do. I’m fairly antisocial myself and it wouldn’t even occur to me that I had spent my birthday alone if that were to happen, but if this kind of social isolation isn’t normal for him then I’d investigate further.</p>
<p>"Who’s to say that being social and surrounded by friends all of the time is “normal” for everyone? Some folks don’t really care to socialize…especially in large groups or prefer being alone.</p>
<p>Although I prefer being around people, I know enough introverts and respect them enough to realize that one cannot use traits favoring extrovert traits as the standard of “normal”."</p>
<p>As do I. I don’t think you get what I was attempting to say, perhaps I should restate it. How about this? People who are accustomed to seeing their children have a group of friends may take that for granted, and not give it a second thought. Parents of children who have aspergers, or who have been introverted their entire lives, though they desperately would like to reach out, have different worries than those in the other parents. And I believe I know what the OP is feeling.</p>
<p>The OP has a feeling her son is depressed. She knows her son a lot better than we do, so if she does feel he is depressed then she is right to feel concerned. And if someone is depressed, then spending a birthday on their own could add to the depression. All I can suggest is keeping contact so he does not feel alone.</p>
<p>Parents do worry - I was never a worrier till I had kids! My son also moved some distance away on his own for a job. Loves where he lives and has made friends with older work people that he sometimes sees outside of work, but not so much people of his own age. I do get the feeling he is a little lonely at times - and yes I also worry about him. I’m a Mom - I can’t help it. I think maybe we worry more than previous generations when our loved ones move because we have more contact. My Mum moved to Rhodesia on her own and my grandparents did not see her for 3 years there was no phone contact - just letters. They probably worried less than I do about my son and we talk fairly regularly. Probably because of that talking in a way - if he calls and seems cheery and has a lot going on, then I come off the phone happy and not worried. If he seems a bit down and lonely, then I worry. And he is probably back to being happy a lot sooner than I stop worrying!</p>
<p>To tell the truth ,I am a loner and my mom ,at 93 is a loner as well . My son wanted to eat at a pricey restaurant and probably couldn’t or didn’t want to find a dinner companion . To those who feel beaten up or criticized on CC -that’s the chance we take when we share confidential thoughts ! I have felt that way at times ,especially when a thread of mine was closed due to the meanness of some people .It’s the chance we take when we open ourselves up to other’s viewpoints !</p>
<p>Most restaurants will happily prepare any meal “to go.” Why not offer to treat him to the meal he wanted a little belatedly, if he will order it and pick it up “to go.” This could become a traditional birthday gift from you to him, and then he will always know that he will receive at least one special treat on his birthday, whether he is alone or not.</p>
<p>So true. I just hope that everyone here has a “safe thread” - one where everyone there knows and accepts each other. If you don’t, come on over to the College Class of '13 thread, even if you don’t have a '13…we’re nice.</p>
<p>I went to bed last nightnthinking about this and came up with some scenarios for worryng parents to consider if they think their kid is alone</p>
<p>First they may not want to tell you they are seeing someone, for any number of reasons, and no matter how much you and your adult offspring talk, you may never know all you want. </p>
<p>Reasons why an adult “child” may not tell mom they are seeing someone or dating or whatever: its so new they just arent readynto share, it may be someone they think parent won’t approve of, they are gay, they are seeing someone who is married, they are sleeping around, whatever…</p>
<p>They didn’t go out for birthday because they had early work the next day, birthday was on a weekday and celebrating on the weekend seemed silly, there were other things going on that were more interesting, there was a sports event they wanted to watch, they had a bad day at work so did nothing, they did do something, but just didn’t want to tell mom.</p>
<p>Its fine to be alone. It’s fine to be busy. It’s fine to have lots of friends. It’s fine to have just a couple. It’s fine to date. It’s fine to see lots of girls or guys. It’s fine to take a break from dating. It’s fine to do nothing on a bday. </p>
<p>And it’s fine to not know every detail of our adult offsprings lives.</p>
<p>Seahorses, I completely agree, only I’d change your “You MAY never know all you want,” to “You WILL never know all you want.”</p>
<p>I don’t think any adult kids tell their parents EVERYTHING, even if the parents think they do. Why should they, since they are adults with their own lives? Sometimes it just doesn’t occur to them to share, and sometimes they’re just quiet types.</p>
<p>OP, I have passed my last few birthdays (in my 20s!!!) alone. Just like it were any other day. Is he new to this area? or working a lot? I moved to a new area, where I don’t know anyone outside of work. I get along well with my coworkers but not to the extent I would do anything birthday related with them or see them outside of work. Maybe it was by choice? I grew up not really celebrating holidays or birthdays so I do not care much for them now nor would my parents be concerned by my not celebrating a holiday or birthday. I don’t know what you can do or say as I do not know how your son would react. I would probably act as if it were 100% by choice even if it wasn’t. I suspect most people would unless he/she was the one to first bring it up/whine about it. Did he complain to you about this or did you ask him?</p>